Do you ever regret being right so many times? – 411 writer Will Helm to me
Not at all. Well, some of the time I do, but I take satisfaction in knowing my Cassandra-like powers are still active and going well.
What a wonderful Monday I had. After spending virtually the entire weekend in bed because I was so trashed, I woke up nice and early at 4AM, ready for another day at the cow mines (and still suffering the last remnants of the Head Cold From Hell from last week). One slight problem: I spend the next four weeks on evening shift, which means I don’t have to be at work until about 2:15PM. Fortunately, I had this planned. Put on some coffee, start the column, set the VCR to record Raw while I’m at work, and try to figure out exactly how much I’m being paid for the next four weeks.
This one’s more of a struggle than it sounds. You see, I have to be at work 45 minutes earlier than everyone else because it’s my responsibility over the next four weeks to actually look at live cows in addition to dead ones. It’s called an “antemortem inspection”, and like most aspects of this job, I’ve done them before, just never on cows. The principle is simple: you cull the obviously sick ones out before they’re killed. In order to do that, you have to observe them to see if they’re staggering, their face is swollen, they’ve got lumps on their body, or if they’re just laying down and won’t get up. In other words, if they’re looking or behaving like Hyatte on a typical Saturday night, they get segregated from the main body headed to the kill floor, and the veterinarian we have on staff makes the decision on whether and when they get killed (very often, they get killed at the end of a shift or right before a break, so we can keep them segregated).
Now, the pay stuff…this is a little complicated because there are two ways to calculate this. You see, at 6PM, I start getting a 10% goose in my hourly pay. If the 45 minutes I spend before my shift counts as a separate overtime period (bizarre to think of working OT before working actual hours, but this is the federal gummint), that produces one final figure for a day. If the clock starts the moment I start, and the OT comes at the end of the day, that’s another. The difference? About a buck a day. But you know how precise I can get with match and how neurotic I am about it. Screw it. I won’t know for three weeks anyway, and won’t really care until then. However, it does mean that I fill out my time sheet (aka the T&A…I’m serious, that’s what it’s called) two different ways depending on which is valid, and meat inspectors follow the same rule as any ugly chick: if you don’t fill out the T&A right, you don’t get any. And money, as I can inform all of you teenagers, is far more important than sex.
Ah, I should just stop worrying, get some caffeine and nicotine into me, and start pontificating about the PPV on Sunday. Should I start that now? Well, after the Pimp Section and anti-spyware notice, of course…
THE PIMP SECTION
GRUT!
Nute discusses the move whose name I didn’t know. And, like one of my correspondents, I thought it should have been called “Piece de Resistance”.
Obal‘s in Heat, while Fried has Epilepsy.
Hazard still hasn’t admitted it’s Greg Gagne. Although it could be the surviving Von Erich.
Chick discusses Hogan and Savage. As if that hasn’t been discussed enough, but, hell, this is a new twist.
This week, it’s Gagnon/Huckaby. Next week, it’s the main event, Gagnon and myself.
Yayo is all over the place. And you think I’m bad about that.
Urciuolo refuses to take an All-Star Break.
Fernandez will have me on the Jukebox next month. But he’s the Mexican that’s the exception to the rule.
Presiloski, unfortunately, isn’t the Canadian that’s the exception to the rule. Hockey, indeed.
Hayhurst answers a whole bunch of questions and, frankly, stuns me with his knowledge every week.
VENGEANCE IS MINE, SPYWARE COMPANIES
(Memo to Hyatte: I could have saved you $200, you know, if you’d have just, like, mailed me before it got too bad. And HijackThis! doesn’t let in spyware, it just shows the registry entries that are characteristic of spyware and provides a diganosis tool for elimination. It’s like arthroscopy for spyware, if you catch my drift.)
Remember, this all started because the slugs at Enigma Software dared to advertise their piece of shit SpyHunter here at 411. So I’m responding every single column with proper anti-spyware information. And guess what? People are actually taking this to heart. They’re asking me for help if they’re infested, or they’re writing me telling me that their browsing experience is less annoying thanks to the stuff I’ve been putting up here three times a week for a couple months now.
Big, big Kudos to the guys at the Spyware Warrior Forum for pointing out to everyone the extent of criminal activity participated in by Enigma Software, makers of the bane of advertising on this site, SpyHunter. Slimeballs extraordinare, aren’t they? And in case you need more info about what flaming bags of shit they are, try here. Suzi’s Blog has a great list of other flaming bags of shit that promote anti-spyware programs that are spyware themselves. Consult it if you have questions.
(On a side note, those SpyHunter ads started over at Reality News Online, and BFM, a contributor there, spotted them. He told the webmaster, gave him those links that I cited above, the webmaster read them, the blood drained out of his face, and he contacted his ad provider. No more ads for Enigma products on RNO, thank you. So guess what? If you provide the info, there are sites who will listen.)
One of the leading vectors for spyware is so-called free programs that contain this shit in order to “pay the bills”. No one deserves that kind of treatment. If you’ve got a question about whether or not a certain program contains spyware, head over here. It’s a nice alphabetized list of programs that do contain spyware and should be avoided at all costs.
Here’s a list of the programs you really need to help you get rid of menaces, and, more importantly, prevent them from occurring in the first place:
Spybot and AdAware. The ONLY two spyware removal tools to trust. Do NOT buy any spyware removal tools, because none of them work better than these two, and all of them except these two are suspect.
SpywareBlaster. Will nuke thousands of different potentially malicious ActiveX controls, and now has the ability to prevent a number of non-ActiveX methods of installing spyware for people who use Mozilla/Firefox.
SpywareGuard. From Javacool, like SpywareBlaster. It’s a real-time scanner for spyware. A decent first line of defense.
IE-SpyAd. Throws numerous ad-related URLs into IE’s Restricted Zone, where they won’t display or affect your system. Bookmark this one, since it’s the only one that doesn’t have an in-program update.
A few people have recommended also installing the Sun Java Virtual Machine, since it’s Windows’ buggy, half-assed implementation of the JVM that allows a lot of spyware to install (less so within the past month and a half than before). I’ve resisted putting it here because of a couple things: 1) The MS JVM was removed in XP SP1a due to the Sun court case and replaced with a Sun JVM, and I’m not sure how many people have actually patched. 2) The link above is an automatic download, and that does scare some people. Don’t worry, it’s perfectly safe. I wouldn’t have put it here if it wasn’t. But I STRONGLY recommend that you visit here and update your version of Java.
So many people have asked about a free anti-virus program that I’m also going to recommend AVG. Totally free, and works really, really well, as well as commercial anti-virus programs. Frequent database updates, good heuristic detection, everything you want in an anti-virus package.
Another program that I’d like to add here is a little tough to work with for noobs if it goes buggy (you need to know a little something about your Networking settings in order to debug if something should go wrong). Protowall is a supplement to your firewall or NAT system. It hooks directly into XP’s networking system to block any and all traffic that comes from URLs on a list maintained by the program (all protocols, not just TCP/UDP). It’s mainly designed for anti-P2P purposes (which will appeal to a great many of my readers), but it contains lists to block spyware and ads. Its blocklist can easily be updated using its supplementary program, Blocklist Manager. I have Protowall running and a Blocklist Manager icon on my desktop, and I use Blocklist Manager to update the blocklist every couple of days. You will have problems getting to some sites unless you shut down Protowall temporarily, like ESPN or Sports Illustrated, but it does have a tray icon you can right-click and shut down in a few seconds. It’s the third layer of anti-ad material for me, with IE-SpyAd and AdSubtract running alongside it. Warning, though: it only works with XP. I’d recommend its predecessor, Peer Guardian, for other MS OSes, but it isn’t being developed anymore, and there were still bugs in it when development stopped. You can get Protowall and the Blocklist Manager (which will also work with Peer Guardian) at Bluetack’s site.
Of course, only download them from the links provided above.
With AdAware and Spybot, check for updates using their internal update function at least once a week. Run them at least once a week or whenever you think you might have problems. Remember, the new version of Spybot has browser protection capabilities, so have that run at startup and leave it running. Check for updates to SpywareBlaster once a week. It only needs to be run once initially in order to establish protection. Then, after it downloads updates, just click on the line that says “Enable Protection For All Unprotected Items” and kill it. It doesn’t need to be active. For IE-SpyAd, bookmark the site and check for updates twice a week, since it has no kind of internal updater. Run the Blocklist Manager every couple of days to make sure that you keep up on the latest banned URLs. Since all it does is add Registry entries, it doesn’t eat up anything.
If you’re having trouble with spyware or a browser hijacker, or think that you do, head over to the SpywareInfo Forums, where the pros there can help you diagnose and get rid of stuff. I was promoted to Full Helper status there and ended up joining ASAP, the Alliance of Security Analysis Professionals. Look for their symbol, which I’m not going to try to link to anymore because someone at the other end keeps munging it.
AND VENGEANCE IS ALSO VINCE’S, BUT HE’S NOT AS IMPORTANT
Dinsmore got involved in the title match. Therefore, “creative” dies, one by one. They won’t know when, they won’t know how. I can be very creative when it comes to causing death and dismemberment. No, I will not allow them to become meat products. That’s because we’d have to declare on the label that it’s human meat in the whatever we make out of it, and I’m not going to violate label laws. I’m not that type of inspector.
Speaking of meat, let’s get to the meat of my complaint. I don’t like the fact that Batista went over Jericho. That ruined the whole “Evolution Loses Night” theme that I expressed in the Round Table. The fact that Evolution lost every match they participated in could have been used as a catalyst for a breakup or a bitch promo by Trip, giving Raw an overriding theme for the night about Evo getting a little redemption. But with Batista winning, all of that’s blown. Does the soon-to-be-late “creative” even think about stuff like this? Or are they just booking on the spot? Idiots, idiots, idiots.
The Retard doing Flex’s moves…you know, sometimes the Goddess of Irony slaps everyone in the face so hard that it not only leaves a mark, but it has the force to drive the mark out of anyone, if you know what I mean. It’s just so…indicative of what I’ve been saying for almost five years now that I don’t need to comment any further. And if you marked out, you should be sterilized as quickly as possible before you breed. Idiots redux.
I’ll agree with KC Evers. Victoria is now Victoria Ferrari until she stops this dance shit at the entrance. Give us back the Victoria we all fell in love with. Psycho or not psycho, I don’t care. Just give us back TATU and ass-kicking in the ring with no shimmy in sight.
I picked Edge, most people in the Round Table didn’t. So allow me to wave my dick in every significant direction. Unfortunately, I have to put it away when I realize that I, like most people, picked Kane. At least they could see my dick for a bit. I’m a bit of an exhibitionist, as if you couldn’t tell from this column.
I’ve got nothing else to say because I’m still downloading it and I’m running up against deadline to finish it. I’ll probably have more comments in the Short Form later this week, along with some of your more piquant ones concerning the Raw brand.
EX POST FACTO
According to Da Meltz in the dead-tree Observer, Flair’s ghostwriter, Keith Greenberg, attempted to tone down Flair’s comments about Mick Foley and Bret Hart before the book went to press, but failed in his efforts thanks to three people: Mark Madden (who edited the book), Ric Flair (who had final cut), and Vince McMahon (who had final approval). The comments that remain in there are devastating, but the bitching that’s been delivered toward Flair’s end, as Da Meltz says repeatedly, is undeserved. This is simply delayed payback, Foley for his comment in Have A Nice Day about Flair being a lousy booker and Hart for his comments in his Calgary Sun column. Plus, Flair doesn’t say very nice things about too many people in the book. His slams on Foley and Hart are characteristic of his criticisms of other people in the book (now I haven’t read it yet, but I trust Meltz on this one; he usually doesn’t get shit like this wrong, and it’s easily verified by anyone who has read it). So why the brouhaha over this?
Because Foley and Hart are sacred cows to the IWC, who comprises the core audience for this book. They, like Flair, are at the summit of Mount Perpetually Over. The unthinking members of the IWC are reacting to people saying bad things about Foley and Hart. Boy, can I commisserate. I could publish one of the most venomous books of all time regarding the mail I’ve received about my criticisms of Flex over the years and of Wife-Beater over the past year. Go after someone whom the IWC loves, loves, loves, and you’re in for shit. I even got it when I said that Eddy Guerrero shouldn’t be rehired by WWE because he was a repeat f*ck-up and would recede back into that behavior again because, hell, that’s what addicts do (credit to Eddy that he didn’t, which still surprises me).
Here’s the truth: Foley is a freak show, a stunt man in disguise, and a probable masochist (but even he would never admit that he gets wood whenever he does one of those sick little bumps). Hart never did draw anything resembling money for the WWF at his height. But the IWC gives them a pass on this shit because Foley sacrifices his body every time he goes out there and “retired” for good reason (namely to be able to play with his kids while he still had some ability left to do so) and because Hart was forced to retire due to a Goldberg blunder and was sadly mishandled by WCW, not to mention Montreal and the sympathetic portrayal of him in Wrestling With Shadows.
Hey, f*ck them. Foley knew what he was getting into, and he was a glorified stuntman. He knew that he couldn’t get over on in-ring talent, so he went for the gore and violence. Credit to him for making money through asses in seats and merch, and credit to him for being talented enough to get the Mankind gimmick over enough that he didn’t get one of Vince’s standard depushes after his initial program. But he doesn’t deserve anything else. Whatever legacy he might have left has been pissed on heavily by his repeated returns, no matter how carefully he’s crafted those angles and played them. Randy Orton isn’t any more over today than he was before the program with Foley. Foley just provided a hook for Orton to latch on to as a “legend-killer”, but that doesn’t mean that he still isn’t the same old Dorkboy (tm Randle). And now Foley’s getting pissy because Vince allowed those comments in order to give some heat to an expected Flair/Foley confrontation in September, when Foley’s probably coming back to push his new kids’ book. Big f*cking deal.
As for Bret, it was his ego that caused Montreal to happen in the first place. If he didn’t refuse to do the right thing, Vince wouldn’t have had to do it for him. You would also think he had enough stroke in WCW to have stopped or at least modified the asinine ending to the Starrcade ’97 Hogan/Sting match. Someone of Bret’s rep saying, “This is bullshit. It won’t lead to anything, and it’ll piss off the audience who have been waiting a year and a half for Sting to go over Hogan.” might have made a difference in the ultimate fate of WCW. The downfall of that fed can be directly traced to the audience reaction to the ending of that match. And Bret should have had enough stroke to impose some of his views on his booking after this. He could have stopped the downfall of WCW, but he just sat there with his nose up in the air, too good for the room, instead of doing something positive. As for the whole Goldberg kick, gee, sorry, but accidents happen. Ask Kurt Angle. Angle isn’t pissed off that his career might have been completely altered thanks to long-term effects from Lesnar’s f*ck-up, because he knows that those are the risks you take when you get into the ring or get into the arena (in these days of violent SE activities). If not Angle in regard to Lesnar, then ask Shawn Michaels if he has anything against the Undertaker for that bump that cost him four years of in-ring activity.
The IWC needs to look at things more rationally. Emotional investment in a wrestler is still seen by too many people as being part of defining one’s self as a fan. The problem is that the emotional investment causes one to not be able to look at something dispassionately and to cause rejection of a viewpoint out of hand, instead of listening to what someone has to say and attempting to understand why someone says that about the wrestler in question. That not only applies to Flair, but to IWC commentators as well. So next time I go off on Flex, have a listen. I wouldn’t be saying this shit for almost five years with no reason.
TORYU-WHO?
Da Meltz is reporting that the world of Jap wrestling had a bit of a shakeup. Toryumon, Ultimo Dragon’s promotion, has done a reorg. They’re now known as Dragon Gate (which is simply the English translation of Toryumon). However, Ultimo’s not involved. When he gets healthy, he’s heading back to WWE full-time. This is scheduled for November, just in time for Survivor Series (hope that Vince gives him a push to go along with having to give up his whole goddamn promotion for this chance). Head booker will be Tokyo Magnum, who’s been the major star of Toryumon for a while. Good for him. I liked the guy back in WCW.
The Toryumon name will still be used outside of Japan, though. In his free time from being a WWE wrestler, Dragon will still be booking shows in Mexico using the name and Japanese wrestlers. The shows have proven popular enough to continue.
In addition, they got a new deal with Fuji TV, best known in this part of the world for Iron Chef. Starting this week, they’ll be doing two-a-day tapings for a month and a half at a traditional summer festival. Plans are for Fuji to broadcast them in afternoon slots in order to attract women and kids to wrestling (weird attempt at a demographic, but the demos in Japan are different).
After all of the scares of the past few years, it’s great to see at least one minor Japanese promotion succeed and flourish. Congrats to them, and here’s to a long life.
MORE OF THAT FUN FOREIGN STUFF
This time it’s from the world of Lucha, and again through Da Meltz and the dead-tree Observer. Last month, there was a bit of a flare-up between everyone’s favorite real Mexican wrestler, Hector Garza (as in, a wrestler from Mexico and not a Mexican wrestler who happens to be from the US like Rey-Rey and Eddy), and Antonio Pena, his AAA boss. Turns out that there was a bit of a contract dispute and that Garza had given notice to AAA. Pena wanted one more meeting to get things worked out and get one of his major stars back under contract. Pena no-showed the meeting after Garza flew in to Mexico City for it. Seeing as how Pena was being a pisshead, Garza went over to Arena Mexico, where there was a card that night, to see friends as to not waste the trip. Well, Vampiro no-showed due to injury, the promoters needed a name guy to headline, so Garza worked the match, giving a big f*ck-you to Pena.
Well, Pena is saying a few things, like the fact that he has Garza under contract and that his lawyer cancelled the meeting, which sounds like complete bullshit in both directions, really. He’ll sue anyone who uses Garza without permission. In return, Garza’s saying that any agreement he has with Pena is strictly verbal, and that he’s owed back pay. Given Pena’s rep, I’m taking Garza’s side.
Memo to Hector Garza: Diga Pena coger apagado. Después llame encima del Jarretts y vea cuánto paga de they’d usted a ir a TNA a tiempo completo. Cada uno en la CLI le ama y desearÃÂa verle allÃÂ. Usted necesidad de no esta mierda. Y estancia con el bigote solamente. Ese goatee le hace parecer una concha.
WORKING UNDER PRESSURE
I didn’t see anyone report this, but Da Meltz did. A couple of weeks ago, A.J. Styles’ brother committed suicide, and A.J. and the rest of the locker room found out about it during an Orlando taping. A.J. still went out and wrestled, though. David Young, who’s very close to the Styles family, was also in bad shape, but he went out and did the job as well. Our belated condolences to the Styles family and to all the friends in TNA.
More TNA News? Rumors have been floating around regarding the proposed full-time move to Orlando for a while now, and it looked like it was going to be a reality at the end of this month. But not so fast, says Da Meltz. The Carter family are the ones who want the move, in order to spare travel expenses. However, everyone on the creative side doesn’t. Jeff Jarrett thinks that the move would create a rapid burnout in Orlando and would show disloyalty to the Nashville crowds, who have been showing signs of life lately (something that Fleabag and I have both noticed). Don West doesn’t want it because he’d have to give up his radio gig. Bob Ryder sure as hell doesn’t want it, because he’s making a mint off of his commissions from arranging said travel. There’s a major struggle going on here, and we won’t have to wait long to see who wins this. If they do end up moving to Orlando, it means that the Jarretts have lost the business end of the promotion completely and the Carters and Panda have a stranglehold over the company’s cash flow. If so, how long will it be before Dixie Carter starts sticking her nose in booking decisions?
AW, TOO BAD
1bullshit Junior is confirming that another WWE superstar will require neck surgery. This time it’s Test. He’s going to be out for a year. The question is, will anyone notice or care? No and No are the answers that I’m anticipating.
And here’s something I’m also not anticipating: Raw…
THE SHORT FORM
And my VCR buggered it up. Fuck me. Just read Scooter, I guess.
That’s it for this one. Stay tuned to Haley’s replacement tomorrow, and I’ll be over in Black at the same time (yes, it’ll actually get posted Wednesday because I’ll be doing it on Tuesday night after I get home from work, before I catch some sleep prior to a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday morning). Until that time, adieu.
About Eric Szulczewski
