Slayer's Sports And Stuff

Mistress: Get off your ass! It’s Sunday afternoon, and you are taking me OUT!

Me: Ok, honey. Nothing on but this stupid golf anyway.

Mistress: Where should we go? I was thinking maybe a walk in the par-

Me: Oh my god! A Playoff! Quick, order a pizza!

Hi Everybody! Welcome to another edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! No more pretending to be a history professor and playing russian roulette by talking about people I shouldn’t be talking about! We’re back to format. In this issue, I will give you an exclusive mid-season baseball report on every major league baseball team! We will also take a look at one of boxing’s brightest young stars as well as reading two fairy tales: One happy….one sad……..

BUT, FIRST!
REMEMBER TUESDAY AFTERNOONS!
You know what makes this column special? Two reasons. Because my Mommy says I’m special and the other reason being it premiered on EVERY day of the week! Really. All seven days. But now this column will be and do I dare say it…formulated in the official 411 Black rotation. Tuesday afternoons to be exact. So, there you have it. This column is off its ‘probation period’ and now part of the family….
….like a red headed step child.

GOLF
Congratulations to 38 year old ‘rookie’ Todd Hamilton for winning The British Open! Or as the British simply call it, The Open. Don’t let that old money wasp name fool you, his tale is one for the ages…in Golf terms anyway. Sit around kids, it’s time for a story. Once upon a time, a man was born in Oquawaka, IL. A small town with a population of around 1,500. As a small mid-western child, his hero was Jack Nicklaus and the boy spent many hours watching the man chasing a little ball around and he wanted to do that too when he grew up. His greatest teacher was not a retired professional or even an expert, it was his father who used to take him to the public county 9 hole golf course where little Todd honed his skills and craft. If this story isn’t sappy enough, fear not because it gets even sappier. He received an athletic scholarship for golf at the University of Oklahoma where he became a three time NCAA all-American in his respective sport. After college, he went back home to marry Tyler, his high school sweetheart.
In 1988, he went in as a professional and participated in the Canadian Tour, a sort of rookie league. After some mild success, he went into the ‘minor leagues’ and became a member of the 1991 Nationwide Tour. He placed 72nd. For the next 12 years, Hamilton would try to qualify for the PGA tour bout would fail the qualification tournament, 7 times to be exact. He made his money by being part of the Asian Tour, and became a perennial contender in the Far East, even winning it back in 1992. But like most white people, he wanted to be part of the PGA. Finally in 2003 he tied for 16th on the qualifying tour and was allowed entry. It took 8 tries, but he finally got in. He surprised everybody by winning the Honda Classic back in March. But between then and The Open, he rarely even made the weekend cut and never finished in the Top 20. But at the Open, he did make the cut. Then in the 3rd round he played masterfully and all of a sudden the question was being asked, ‘who was this guy’? He played almost as well in the Final round but it wasn’t enough. He had to compete in a four hole playoff with the #2 ranked golfer in the world, Ernie Els. Hamilton shot par on all four and won the Open. By winning a major and earning a certain threshold of prize money, he has secured his place in the PGA tour for the next five years.
The End.
See? Wasn’t that a pretty story?

Speaking of the British Open, that course sure wasn’t pretty. Don’t they have lawnmowers? Yeah, yeah, I know it had personality. But as the 1995 ghetto counter-culture music star Gillete once sang, “They call you Mr. Personality because you’re so ugly!” And how about those announcers? Awful……

BASEBALL
The BIG story in the MLB this week is Randy Johnson! Should he stay or should he go? This is what I wrote about in the situation wayyyyy back in my 5/21 issue: The “teams being in order of probability of receiving him are the Yankees, Braves, Red Sox, Dodgers, Angels, and White Sox.” Absolutely nothing has changed since then. This can mean….
1) My knowledge and wisdom of Baseball is of the utmost superior.
2) I’m a keen observer of the painfully obvious.
3) I completely made it up and got lucky.
Which one is it? You Decide!

Now, as promised. It’s time for THE COMPLETE MID-SEASON TEAM BY TEAM REPORT.

The New York Yankees are rolling along, minor New York drama aside.

The Boston Red Sox are halfway through another bust of a season. See last column for further details.

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are dead but still spunky. Like Frankenhooker!

The Baltimore Orioles think they’re better then their record and are already blaming it all on Mazilli.

The Toronto Blue Jays really really really want to trade Delgado. But he said NO!

The Chicago White Sox have secured their contention for the division the old fashioned way, money.

The Minnesota Twins are not secure at all and truly are putting too many chips on the table with too few markers.

Detroit Tigers are a fun team but they’re still dead despite their efforts. No pitching.

The Cleveland Indians are a fun team too and they have some nice pitching but they’re still dead. No bullpen.

The Kansas City Royals are dead and got nothing.

Texas Rangers continue to be the ‘Suprise Team’ of the year. If they don’t keep on their toes, there is some definite tailspin potential.

The Oakland A’s continue to roll along the way they know how, by the skin of their teeth. Expect them to part with one of their pitchers for another bat.

If the Anaheim Angels want to stay in this thing, they better straighten out Bartolo Colon, or shoot him.

Congratulations to the Seattle Mariners for completely dismantling their team and having a cozy spot in the division cellar for the next five years.

Philadelphia, Atlanta, The Mets, and Florida are all fighting it out for what most likely will be only one spot. Four men enter, one man leave!

Will the Expos freaking move already!!!!

A few weeks ago, I said St. Louis was a mediocre team. They’ve gotten really good since then.

It’s not even August, and the Cubs are out of the division and have to fight for a Wild Card slot.

The Milwaukee Brewers are a benefactor of the worst division in baseball.

I’m bored with Ken Griffey, Jr and The Cincinnati Reds. Use him or lose him but stop whining.

Well, well, well..Houston is in a bit of a hole. The government clamps down on steroids and all of a sudden no one can hit HRs anymore.

I have nothing to say about the Pittsburgh Pirates.

For the LA Dodgers to do this thing, they need to make a trade.

The San Francisco Giants are officially ‘in it’. That means no one gets Jason Schmidt.

Remember when the Colorado Rockies were a novelty?

Seriously…to all the neutral based MLB fans. Did the Arizona Diamondbacks really win the 2001 World Series or did the Yankees lose the 2001 World Series?

And that’s my Mid-Season team by team report!!!!!!!!!

BOXING
Juan Diaz. For those of you that watched the Boxing on HBO, you know who he is. For the rest of ya, learn the name and know it. He just won the WBA lightweight title from the ‘Mongolian Bull’ Lavka Sim at the age of 20. This guy just may be the next big thing in boxing. If he ever wants to jump into the Welter and Middleweight divisions, he’s going to have to increase the velocity of his power punch but until then, of the new crop of championship boxers to appear in the past couple years, he’s the most exciting and skillfully the best. It’s simply a joy watching him fight. Not only is he a great boxer, but he seems like a good guy as well. When not training at the gym, he’s a full time student at the University of Houston where he is majoring in Pre-Law and is also going to Carpenter School because one of his life long dreams is to build his own house.

Let’s think about this for a moment. Many of you reading are around 20 right now. Most of you were once 20. Now tell me, what is/was your life long dream at 20? Be a music star? The next great filmmaker? A Politician who will finally set things straight? Master the art of drinking tequila? Have sex with the girl next door? His is to build a house. And how did you fill up your free time at 20? Mmmmm hmmmmmm. This guy is either an absolutely amazing specimen of humanity or is evil and full of shit. One or the other.

CHESS
Congratulations to Bobby Fischer for officially becoming an Enemy of the State! Gather around again, children. It’s time for another story. Once upon a time, there was once a little genius named Bobby Fischer. By the age of 15, he already had become a grandmaster in the game of Chess, the game of kings! In the 1970s, there was this little thing called the Cold War. Now a cold war isn’t like a real war. In a cold war, instead of using guns and bombs, battles are decided through immaterial and trivial pissing contests. These contests could be hockey, basketball, satellites, trips to the moon, penis sizes, etc. One of these contests happened to be chess. And those bad evil Rooskies always beat the Americans. Then, in 1972 a young Bobby Fischer defeated world champion Boris Spassky from the USSR. America rejoiced and Fischer became a cultural icon. In 1975, he forfeited the title for unknown reasons and in 1978, his wife was kidnapped by North Korea. Fischer then disappeared…..
In 1992, he reappeared in Yugoslavia to once again win the world championships. If he didn’t have problems before, he certainly did now. The US Government issued a warrant for his arrest for violating UN sanctions against Yugoslavia. At the time, we were a little upset at the Yugos because they were enabling genocide over in Bosnia. After that, Fischer went and disappeared again. Since then, he spent most of his time in Japan and the Philippines hanging out at underground chess and game clubs (I’m not kidding) and every now and then, do an interview with a certain Philippine radio station. In these interviews, he lectured on the values and harmonies of self hating anti-semitism calling Jews ‘lying bastards’ despite the fact he was Jewish. He also praised the 9/11 attacks claiming America should be wiped out. He also made a new game! Well sort of, basically its chess for the exception that a computer randomly shuffles the back row eliminating cheats and seven move checkmates. He claims and I quote “It will bring the fun back into the game”! (That’s actually a very cool idea). His wife was returned to him a couple years ago but alas, there is not happy ending. Something or somebody invalidated his passport and he was recently arrested at a Tokyo airport where he may be extradited to the United States if the States decides to pursue it.
The End
I would think the States has better things to do then prosecute what is obviously a tormented soul, but there is a terrorist element in the Philippines so it may be worth talking to him.

WENDY’S
I must have just walked in after they all ‘went out to the back’. I ordered my usual, a Double with fries and a sprite, weird sauces for the fries. It was a bizarre scene. Everyone was moving real slow, and the cashier kept making syntax errors. Example:
Me: I’ll have it to go.
Cashier: Go Where?
The cooks in the back would not stop giggling and the manager on drive-thru had a big smile on his face and seemed to just love his job too much. The total came to $6.77 and I gave her $7.02. She starred at the two pennies for a good 30 seconds having no clue why I just did that. She then proceeded to give the pennies BACK! So then, I gave it back to her and she screamed “Yo, are you shittin’ me?” She did the math on the register and you would think she got it. Nope, she gave me back my two pennies, three pennies more, and two dimes.
Finally, I asked one of the guys in the back for some Honey Mustard. He understood the order but couldn’t proceed with the function. He seemed to have trouble picking up just one. So he just grabbed about 15 and put it in my bag. I now have a 3 month’s supply of honey mustard sauce.

ESPN.COM
So I slide on over to ESPN.Com, and what do I see? “Randy Johnson: Should he stay or should he go?” What the-? That’s MY line. Well I’m not changing it! So There!

WHITE RUSSIANS
It’s mid-summer which means it’s the season for cold and frosty white russians. Yum! One can only drink so much though, or else you start to get that ‘muddy’ feeling. What’s it like to feel muddy? Drink five white russians and you’ll know.

BLACK RUSSIANS
That’s minus the milk for all you who are lactose intolerant. Those are good too, a little bitter for some though.

SOMBRERO
These are fun! Take a BIG pint glass. Fill with Ice. ½ Milk and ½ Kaluha. Shake. Insert an Oreo Cookie. Drink SLOWLY! If you drink it too fast you will get sick….or die. Drink it slowly and by the last gulp…voila! What’s voila mean? Drink a sombrero and you’ll know.

DISCLAIMER
Just in case…… drinking alcoholic beverages is ILLEGAL FOR THOSE UNDER 21!!!!!!!!!
Yes, you can die in Iraq but you can’t have a Sombrero.

SPORTS ON 411BLACK!
Mark Urciuolo shows no love for the college football BCS system and offers an alternative that does not involve a playoff.

Mike Husle shares his take on the Shaquille O’Neal trade.

Paul Carmon states his opinion on the Shaquille O’Neal trade.

Yayo wonders about the Shaquille O’Neal trade.

And Dave Gagnon interviews Eric S. on his thoughts about the Shaquille O’Neal trade.

SPORTS ON NATIONAL TV (7/20—7/26)
NEW AND IMPROVED!
All times EST

MLB
Wed/2:15-ESPN: Cincinnati Reds vs. Chicago Cubs (sbo)
Wed/7:00-ESPN: Anaheim Angels vs. Texas Rangers (sbo)
Wed/10:00-ESPN2: San Diego Padres vs. San Fran Giants (sbo)

Sat/3:00-FOX: New York Yankees vs. Boston Red Sox (regional)
Sat/3:00-FOX: Chicago Cubs vs. Philadelphia Phillies (regional)
Sat/3:00-FOX: San Fran Giants vs. St. Louis Cardinals (regional)

Sun/8:00-ESPN: New York Yankees vs. Boston Red Sox (national)

NASCAR
Sun/1:30-TNT: Siemens 300 at the New Hampshire International Speedway

OTHER RACING
Sat/7:00-ESPN2: NHRA Mopar Mile High
Sun/3:30-ABC: IRL Indy 225 at The Milwaukee Mile

PGA
US Bank Championship at Milwaukee, WI.
Thurs/4:00-USA
Fri/4:00-USA
Sat/3:00-CBS
Sun/3:00-CBS

TOUR DE FRANCE
Sun/2:00-CBS

BOXING
Tue/9:00-ESPN2: Check out Jorge Lacierva
Fri/9:00-ESPN2: Heavyweight prospects
Sat/9:30-HBO: Gatti vs. Dorin/Bojado vs. Leija

ATP
Sat/2:30-NBC: RCA-Semis
Sun/2:30-NBC: RCA-Finals

WTA
Sat/10:00-ESPN2: JPMorgan-Semis
Sun/4:00-ESPN2: JPMorgan-Finals

BEACH VOLLEYBALL
Sat/4:30-NBC: AVP Hermosa Beach Open
Sun/4:30-NBC: AVP Hermosa Beach Open

OTHER SPORTS STUFF
Tue/10:00-HBO: Real Sports-Profile on ex-nfl lineman Bob Sapp who is know a K-1 Champion and Japanese icon. Stuff on the Balco scandal and an update on the Miracle League.

NEXT WEEK
A weekend at Hellfest!
How to make a James Bond Martini!!!
And all the latest sports news and views!!!!!

Have a great week…and please….be excellent to each other.
www.nyslayer.com