Wrestling is one of the greatest of all the modern art forms featuring some of the most dedicated, committed and hard-working athletes in all of sports (-entertainment). These men are the masters of such skills as grappling, striking, weight lifting, reversals and the application of baby-oil. They inspire a passionate response in their audience with such emotions as pride, joy, hatred, fear and sympathy being in evident when they knuckle up in the ring. These bronzed, oiled up modern-day Anodises also inspire in certain members of the audience an all-together different emotion, a certain tingling sensation beneath the waistline. Join me Will Cooling as will delve into an area that the vast majority of the wrestling fanbase wish remained undelved, namely who out of the legions of buff young men, usually clothed in nothing more than their underwear and a generous layer of baby-oil is the “tippy-top” guy in terms of looks. We start with those who just missed out on the Top 10.
The Also Rans
The Rock is undoubtedly still sexy, alas there’s more doubt as to whether he’s still a wrestler so no placement alas the same cannot be said for HHH who went from a mouth-watering gay man’s parody of masculinity to Greg “The Hammer” Valentine in a few short years also in the gone and forgotten column is Shawn Michaels who whilst still easy on the eyes is relying on a lot of residual sex-heat from the mid-nineties i.e. theme music, types, attitudes all that rings false also chalk up Scott Steiner in that column, those muscles may have been neat but when your skin is the same colour as Hulk Hogan’s your on the way out the Test Award for generic blonde muscle-head is shared between Mark Jindark and Renee Dupree who whilst both have great bodies lack the extra ingredient needed to be truly sexy-its called a personality lastly there’s Spanky who whilst a favourite of mine (glorious hair) just misses the cut.
Okay now that the rejects (and Spanky) are out the way we now move onto the Top 10. We start with number 10
10. Chris Jericho
Until recently Jericho was lost in the crowd of young, cute blondes that seem to be popular in the WWE (strange that) with his slightly generic looks made worse by his Tom Cruise esque habit of ugly-fying himself all the time. However, where as the original vanilla midget picks gory yet manly (snigger) scars, Jericho picked something far more sinister and unappealing facial hair. How we stared in dumbstruck horror as his youthful face was hidden behind the types of beards and side-burns that are usually reserved in the answers to Al’ Qaeda application forms. Thankfully his recent face turn has saved his face as he’s started shaving again regularly. Another hideous aspect of him was his wardrobe, which just screamed “Fab Five, Save Him Quick!!!” with a garish collection of 70s and 80s rejects that confirmed the truism that hipsters don’t work on men even cruiserweights. Thankfully, he’s slowly moving away from this with some of his outfits being somewhat normal this year. What’s more his recent storyline with Trish (before her predictable, yawn-induicing and sadly sensible turn) showed a new side to him, a sensitive side. You see whilst most of the guys on this list are either let’s say loose sorts or ape-men Jericho’s a New Man. He’ll be willing to take things slow, he’ll give you a rose, he’ll stand up for you in a fight and if his initial reaction to Trish costing him the match with Christian is anything to go by he’ll be a compliant little thing too boot. Now that’s sexy! *** ¾
9. Charlie Haas
With the brand extension Charlie Haas cease to be just the jock of the WWE locker-room with quintessential football-field good looks with his short blond hair that just begged to have fingers run through it, his tasteful goatee, a handsome face and a body that was realistically well muscled into something a bit more exciting. You see whilst he was a man that in everyday life would have plenty queuing to have a ride on space mountain he was a bit boring with traditional ring attire and a generic tough guy image. However, after the brand extension this all change with the one-piece amateur-wrestling outfit being replaced with tight, red latex pants that showed of the previously unnoticed fact that our boy Charlie has a hot ass. His generic tough guy image was replaced by a frustrated bi-curious image as he constantly bit his lip as Rico put the moves on him sender shivers of anticipation down the spines of gay wrestling fans as they all knew; if the gay putting the moves on him didn’t look like a human Gremlin he’d join the club. ****
8. Billy Kidman
There was a time when Billy Kidman would challenge for the top spot with his tight denim shorts, white vests and long greasy hair giving the sort of appeal of mock-rock boy-band member. Sadly, Vince the Genius got his hands on him (oo-er) and boy have things gone wrong. Firstly the hair, yes we all know that Kidman has horrible hair and it was as greasy a German sausage but it framed Kidman’s face really well, gave you something other to focus on when looking at his face than his nose (Nicole Kidman won an Oscar for putting up with a nose like that) and it totally suited him. Then there were the clothes; not the most original or flamboyant but they did two things. First if you have a great ass get it in tight denim, jeans are brilliant at exposing how great (or how bad sadly) an ass really is and boy does Kidman have a great ass. Secondly the vest gave some texture to what is a relatively flat chest and made the viewer focus in more on his kinda cute biceps. Now while he’s still great, and yes there’s nothing bad per se with having one of the top five asses in wrestling adorned in spandex the overall package is just not as satisfying as before. A shame. ****
7. Edge
Edge is one of the most naturally good looking wrestlers in recent years with truly rock star looks including long flowing blond locks, a great body and most of all some incredible teeth. His body was the most interesting (naturally) as it was somewhere between a cruiserweight and a heavyweight with the lack of copious, freakish muscle that often makes cruiserweights so popular but with a simply delicious pair of long legs that no cruiserweight could ever have. Edge has however been hulking up (in more ways than one-wink, wink) for quite a while and the result are debatable with the extra muscle mass sometimes working (his return to lay out Jericho and aid Hogan two years ago springs to mind) and sometimes not (his recent return). More importantly is the fact that Edge has lost one of the things that was most important to his sexiness, his personality (and you thought this column was going to be shallow). In recent months in addition to an unsightly ginger beard he has adopted a hard man attitude that’s just laughable as it simply doesn’t suit him, he’s far too good looking and lanky to be a tough guy. Plus tough guys are prestige players meaning that they give a damn robbing Edge of his cocky, surfer-boy disregard for whatever anyone else thinks that he had in 2000/2001. However, in all probability he’s the male version of Trish so a quick nonsensical heel turn (without the tonsil tennis with Christian though) will result in him becoming instantly hotter. **** ¼
6. Kurt Angle
A strange yet unavoidable choice this as Angle certainly has a bizarre sex appeal. Angle’s body is not really the norm for a WWE Heavyweight with a meaty ass and thighs that whilst shown off brilliantly in his wrestling attire come across as strangely untoned, a chest that’s somewhere between the steroid muscles of Brock or HHH (in his prime) and the less cartoonish chests of Austin and The Rock and a jaw-line and face reminiscent of gay British singer-songwriter Will Young. Yet Angle has always been sexy and always had a devoted female/gay fanbase that at one time included Steph McMahon herself. My theory was that he had four things going for him that elevated past what is a relatively good but not great body. Number 1 is his intelligence; whereas other wrestlers could barely put a sentence together you know that Kurt can hold an interesting conversation. Number 2 is his integrity, it may sound weird in these days of people being totally fixated with things like sex but to some of us the traditional values and morals that we grew up with still mean something to us. Some of us want an honest, law abiding and decent man to snuggle up next to and raise children with. Number 3 is his intensity because integrity’s all well and good but you don’t want a limp flop in the bedroom; with Angle you know you’ll be in for a rough ride. Finally there’s his bald head, I mean come on it looks like a giant penis what’s not to love? **** ½
5. Rob Van Dam
In many ways Rob Van Dam is the Jennifer Lopez (I am the only who couldn’t see why she’d be such a terrible choice for Wonder Woman?) of the wrestling world with a frankly massive ass that just literally sticks out from his back and yet is still drop dead gorgeous. What’s more like The Artist Formerly Known As J Lo his clothing is centred on the ass, designed with the prime intention of making the ass stand out. What’s more as any biologist or man-eater will tell you a great ass is the result of a great set of thighs and my god has RVD got a delicious pair, which he sensibly places in the spotlight as much as possible by monkeying around with his wrestling style. I couldn’t care less about the rest of the body but my god those thighs and that ass are juicy. **** ½
4. John Cena
John Cena does underneath all the Vanilla Ice cast me downs have an excellent body as those of us who remember his previous wrestling tights will testify. He’s got a great chest and biceps and what’s largely been forgotten after two years of wearing baggy pants and ass that’s almost as prominent as Rob Van Dam’s. Yet that is not the reason why he’s been selected, oh no. You see there is a lot to be said for ugly people being sexy and the ugly people who are the most attractive are often hard boy rappers with their “machismo,” slack-jawed approach to life and er ruthless aggression things that elevate them above normal people with the same looks as them. What’s great about John Cena is he gives you the ugly guy shtick without actually being ugly, which really is the best of both worlds. **** ½
3. A.J. Styles
A.J. Styles is a mutant cross between Lex Luger and Billy Kidman with a cruiserweight frame topped off with some excellent muscles. Whilst he’s next to no personality he doesn’t need one with a great body with a terrific set of latex wrestling tights that just bring out his ass perfectly. And er, well that’s really all you can say about him. **** ¾
2. Batista
One of the fixtures of wrestling is the monster. These men are seething mounds of muscle, with an intense, brutish disposition and an angry, maniacal look in their eyes. There not often all that attractive not matter how tight their trunks with any sex-heat they gain more the result of the power fantasies of the viewer than there own attractiveness. Batista is different for a number of reasons, one of which is the fact that he’s quite attractive. Unlike other monsters such as Brock Lesnar and Goldberg Batista isn’t cursed with skin the same colour as Casper with anodyne features to match instead he has a dark, almost Mediterranean look to him. This gives him a better context for the things that all monsters have-MUSCLES. Very nice they are too with some great biceps and a very, very nice chest that place him way above the likes of Lesnar and Sapp for body. With his dark, brooding looks they allow him to play the dominant male far better than other recent monsters (especially Brock with his mama’s boy voice. I mean for Christ’s sake I sound more butch than that). However there’s one final thing that makes Batista sexy and that’s the fact that he wants to be sexy. Very few wrestlers actually play up to the lust of the audience no doubt aware and slightly embarrassed by the homoerotic nature of what they do. Not so Batista, he has no problem with flexing those muscles, slapping the baby-oil and in general acting like the winner of his local gay pride’s bodybuilding championship. What a guy! **** ¾
1. Randy Orton
And here we are, the man who in my humble opinion is not only the sexiest wrestler of today but the sexiest man of today. Randy has the type of film star looks that straight men just can’t see. They see him as smarmy, greasy and effeminate. Well their wrong! He actually has the total package, with a beautiful face, picturesque chest that looks like a freaking eight-pack, cute biceps, gorgeously long legs and a nice ass. Randy is hot in a way that wrestlers usually aren’t, indeed he doesn’t look anything like a main-event wrestler with a body definition that’s miles away from the likes of HHH and Hulk Hogan and a degree of love from the camera that only Shawn Michaels rivals. Randy is in short completely hot and a deserving number one. *****
Well that’s our Top 10 and as I leave pondering why HHH has surrounded himself with the two sexiest men in the WWE I hope you’ve enjoyed our trip down those sports entertainers that when need only walk down the aisle or bend over to pick something up to entertain their more dedicated fans. I’ve been Will Cooling and I think that after spending this time together we should all go and have a cold shower.
All feedback appreciated.
