The Smackdown Short Form 07.22.04

Archive

Okay, to satisfy the complainers, let’s try something different.  No anti-spyware section, no Mailbag!, no additional shit, just the Short Form itself.  This’ll be for one week only, just to shut them up.  Next week, it’s back to normal.  Besides, I want to save on the typing because there’s some problems with my hands (could be some ruptured bursae, could be stress fractures) that I’m seeing my doctor about on Tuesday.  I could have also aggravated the condition by having to fill out my time sheet again last night.  “Use this code for these hours, use that code for those hours, and you can only use this code if you found the secret decoder ring we hid in one of the carcasses…”  The feds never make anything easy.  So here goes…

THE SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Spike Dudley over Jamie Noble and Chavito, Triple Threat Number One Contender’s Match (Pinfall, Spike pins Chavito, Acid Drop):  Well, it’s Philly, which automatically means Spike was the crowd favorite.  He was also the only face in there.  He’s been given prominence in the angle involving the Dudleys lately.  So, the result is no surprise (and should lead to a great match next week against Rey-Rey).  I love how they broke away from the standard Triple Threat formula, though.  Most of the time, all three guys were involved in the action instead of breaking things down to a one-on-one by having someone knocked out (viz. WM20’s main event, just to cite one example).  Damn nice.  They’re finally learning something about how to work with cruisers, I think.  It’s taken them long enough.

Buh Buh Ray Dudley over Billy Kidman (Pinfall, Buh Buh Bomb):  It’s shocking to see someone as professional as Buh Buh Ray half-ass it in the ring in Philly.  But that’s exactly what happened.  Dull, dull, dull.  But that’s what you have to expect from any Dudleys match these days.  It’s not 1999 anymore, and this isn’t the Bingo Hall.

High-Quality Speaker Boy over a Jobber (Pinfall, Clothesline From Hell):  Nice to see a jobber match, and nice to see Bradshaw start reverting back to his Stan Hansen impersonator days for a moment.  Bleh and a waste a time.

Rey-Rey over D-Von Dudley (Pinfall, springboard cross-body):  Another bleh match.  Rey-Rey doing his spotfest stuff, and now D-Von half-assing it while Buh Buh Ray somehow becomes animated…I have no idea what’s going on in the Dudleys’ minds these days.  They were dead, came to life when they had Heyman during the whole UT angle, then the moment that ended, they decided to lay down and die again.  If they’re that apathetic…maybe they should have been on Angle’s list.

John Cena over Luther Reigns (Pinfall, Booker-ference):  A decent power match overshadowed by the stupid cliche touches (ref bump, wacky heel miscommunication).  Too bad.  Both deserve better.

Angle Developments:

The Passion of the Chimel:  The opening vignette points out one of the main weaknesses of Smackdown as compared to Raw.  All that could be done with Chubby Chimel on his knees is have him beg for his job.  Now, on the other hand, I’m sure that we can all think of a large number of things to do with Lilian Garcia on her knees, and “begging for job” is pretty damn low on that list, if I may say so.  Usual great job by Angle, but Chimel was totally unconvincing.  The guy had one facial expression throughout the entire thing, and it helped kill the realism.  This leads only to one of two things:  either it’s totally forgotten next week, or there will be a Chimel/Matthews match in the near future.  Give credit to Finkel and Garcia; they know how to sell this shit.  Chimel doesn’t.

The Passion of the Funaki:  You kinda knew what was going to happen the moment that Funaki started to introduce the whole Angle/Booker segment (and good choice for a US champ, by the way, although I would have preferred Rene Dupree).  Let’s hope this one’s forgotten by next week.  I love Funaki, and the fact that I once took a piss next to him at Hartsfield has nothing to do with that.

The Passion of the High-Quality Speaker Boy:  Which experts called last week’s cage match the greatest in history?  Some twelve-year-old retard on some whiteboard somewhere?  Someone in the 411 Forums, perhaps?  WWE will troll the Internet for bullshit if it serves their purpose.  And was he actually a semblance of funny during his promo with UT?  Now that’s a real shock.  If they bring up the past history between the two at some point during this whole demi-feud, I’ll mark out.  Honest.

The Passion of Little Johnny:  I’m sorry, but I can’t take seriously a guy whose promos are designed like 80s perfume commercials.

The Passion of the Tits:  Actually, Angle’s right.  All four of them are totally useless, with the possible exception of Jackie, who at least is a valet to a pair of decent mid-carders.  If this stuff stands, good riddance.  Smackdown can live without T&A, unlike me (see the intro paragraph and remember that our time sheets are called T&As).

The Passion of the Cena:  I normally don’t comment about Cena’s retros, but the Jerome Brown jersey was a wonderful touch and a great tribute to a great player who was taken from us long before his time.  Very nice and very appropriate.

The Passion of the Angle:  And all those good works were undone.  However, no one does abject humiliation quite like Vince does.  It’s always a pleasure to see him in situations like this.  And it’s always nice to see a ballshot like the one Angle gave to Vince.  If you didn’t expect it, you were an idiot.

The Passion of the Audience:  So now the general manager slot is open.  Does this mean the return of the Bitch of the Baskervilles?  Unknown at this point.  They may go without a general manager until SummerSlam, since Angle played out the situation quite well leading up to this week.  However, I expect to see her again, since Vince always turns to family or competitors when it comes to filling the slot with a power-mad maniac, and Heyman’s busy with Heidenreich.  What I’d love to see them do is stay inside the UPN family.  Randy Oglesby got totally screwed by Berman and Braga by having his character unnecessarily killed off on Enterprise, and if he can do someone as psychologically complex as Degra, this would be a piece of cake for him.

So, is this better for you, critics?  Or should I keep doing what I have been doing in the past?  I leave it up to you, the audience.  You know how to get a hold of me.  Just write to thespie@cableone.net (just in case the link at the bottom is still going to my neb.rr account, which is dead, Daniels) and tell me what you like better.  Until next week, have a good one.