Well, well, well. Last week’s column was probably my best ever, in terms of reader response, as not only did my Mom give me some feedback wondering why I gotta hate on Cannibal Corpse, but I also garnered a whole whopping three e-mails! I do believe I now qualify as an Internet Celebrity now, especially since 2 of those e-mails consisted of HATE MAIL!
Yeah, it seems talking trash about Cannibal Corpse has annoyed some people, and it would seem that some people didn’t seem to get what I was saying last week, so I’ll post a clarification here: I am not a fan of Cannibal Corpse at all, nor do I find much use for their music or ‘art’. Amusing how my numerous slams against the Bitch Queen of MTV and Courtney Love are ignored week in and week out…I guess expressing your opinion is only bad when it deviates from the norm, no? I was hoping someone could explain to me why CC should be considered art, as, to me, it’s no better than say, Insane Clown Posse, which are essentially glorified Adam Sandler CDs. Funny? Sure. A huge ass marketing gimmick to get kids interested in music that, by itself, would be marginally good? I personally believe so. If anyone wishes to argue this point or explain to me what sort of contribution Cannibal Corpse or, hell, ICP for that matter, bring to society I’m all ears. If you’re going to e-mail me calling me a fag, well, that works too, as I believe Eric S. has stated that ‘You’re A Moron’ is free use for any 411 Writer. Speaking of Eric, it would seem that he’s had some technical difficulties this week, as there’s been nothing posted by him, so, here’s a quick linkage for anti-Spyware material, to fill the void:
– A link to the Spyware Warrior Forum, describing the rather unethical behavior of Enigma Software, a group of turds who are advertising here on 411. Yes, we bite the hand that feeds here, folks!
– Spybot, one of two programs I use to keep this crap off my system. AdAware being the other one.
– Spyware Blaster. Eric cites this one, but I’ve personally never used it. Ditto for SpywareGuard & IE-SpyAd.
Head over to one of Eric’s columns for further information and resources in dealing with Spyware, and to shoot him an e-mail if you’re needing help with something. You can send me one as well, although I don’t know how helpful I’ll be, as I admit to being somewhat clueless with the nuts & bolts of computers. Finally, get the google toolbar if you’re having problems with pop-ups, or would like a reputable pop up blocker. It helps in cutting down on those annoying pop ups that refuse to go away, and also gives you the google search engine at the top of your browser.
With that, I think it’s time to put this Cannibal Corpse debacle behind us and move onto bigger and better things. Namely that of one Jeffrey Fernandez, who celebrated his 1 year anniversary on 411. If you check out his column from yesterday, you’ll note that there were a number of testimonials given to one Jeffrey Fernandez, giving him the props he so richly deserves. You’ll also note that I, Minority Report member and all, was conspicuously absent from the Jeff Love-In. Mainly because I’m a lazy bastard who doesn’t read everything on the 411 Staff Writers Hall Of Justice. Erm, I mean because I’m a busy man, with busy priorities, and the whole testimonial thing just slipped right on by. Yes, yes, that’d be it!
Honestly, I’d like to congratulate Jeff on hitting the one year marker for the Swindle Sheet, and hope that there’ll be many more columns to come from him. Jeff, you’ve been one of the nicer people that’s on 411, who has had nice things to say about me and my writing, so I’d also like to thank you for that. Keep the 50 Cent references, and good work, coming!
The Hockey News
Well, the Canucks resigned Brendan Morrison and Dan ‘the Sieve’ Cloutier this week, which is great news for the former, but horrible news for the latter. Dan Cloutier, who has flubbed in the playoffs every year he’s been with the Canucks in some form or another, got a $500,000 pay raise and another lease on life in the NHL, while Brendan Morrison, who has contributed far more to the team and stepped up when we were in turmoil (see: Bertuzzi, Todd) received very little in compensation.
Denis Gauthier looks to be going to arbitration with the Flames, to which I have to wonder what the heck is going on with Sutter. Also, to the joy of most Calgary Flames bandwagoners out there, Mike Commodore has been signed, although it seems he has left his afro in Saskatchewan. While Commodore is a decent defensemen, he seems rather slow for the Flames style of play and can’t keep up. Still, at $500,000 you get a ‘marketable’ player for the team and a guy who has a very solid work ethic. Can’t go wrong with that.
Petr Nedved looks to be signing with the Oilers, although I would not be surprised to see the Canucks or Phoenix pick him up. Here’s hoping he gets snagged by Edmonchuk, as he seemed to fit in real well with the club when the Oilers were attempting their desperate attempt at securing a playoff berth last season.
– In a major flub by yrs. truly, I completely missed a chance to do some local coverage on one of the bigger bands that has kids eating right out of the palm of their hands. Claudio from Coheed and Cambria was performing for the Vans Warped Tour about 2 weeks ago and was also very, very drunk. He started mouthing off Canada and Canadians as a whole, while encouraging the crowd to throw shit at him. Now, I will admit to never having performed onstage in a musical group once in my life, but I know people who have, and asking people to throw things at you when you’re at a goddamned punk rock show, is like asking a bunch of Alabama guys in bedsheets to throw a house warming party for the black guy that just moved in. Needless to say, Claudio was in no way or shape to perform:
Now, that really isn’t all that bad. Certainly, it sucks for the fans who paid money specifically to see Coheed & Cambria. What made this story all that more amusing was all the 15 year olds storming onto the band’s message board and bitching about how Claudio’s behavior made them cry. I shit you not, in an excrept from the Calgary thread, I bring you halighhaligh:
In case you care, I cried when you performed (NOTE: Something that’s usually only reserved for Courtney Love performances….ZING!) That is how upset you made me. You have lost yourself a true fan.
I shudder to think what these kids would be saying if say, Iggy Pop, Led Zeppelin, Hendrix, Sabbath, Bowie or, hell, anyone from the 60s or 70s performed while ripped to the gills. Certainly lots of ‘fans would be lost’. Look, in the immortal words of the Rolling Stones, ‘it’s only Rock ‘n Roll, but I like it, like it, YES I DO!’. C&C (and boy, what is with me and the letter ‘C’ lately?) had a ‘rock and roll moment’, something of which there is very little of these days, due to the very nature of the beast that is known as the music industry. The band is going to come back to perform a make-up gig, so it’s not like you’re not going to eventually get what you’re paying for. This also happened on a festival show, and Vans Warped at that, so it’s not like your entire day was ruined. Now go down to Hot Topic and buy yourself some black on black stickers and get back to being a hardcore little rebel, k?
To make this whole incident even worse, Claudio decided to grace the messageboard-ites with his presence, apologizing and kowtowing as though he himself was Canadian! Sigh. Well, I’m sure Courtney Love will have to carry the banner for what rock ‘n roll is all about. Wait, not only is she in rehab, but she’s also an untalented little pimple on the backside of Rock, so we’re going to have to keep waiting for someone to pull us out of this mire of crappy music we’ve sunk into.
– Which, surprisingly enough, brings me to the MTV Music Awards. Note to MTV: ‘Hey Ya!’ officially became overplayed sometime last October, and it has more than worn out it’s welcome by now. Other than that, the only other real surprise was seeing Yellowcard get the nod for an MTV2 Award. Isn’t MTV2 the channel where the REAL musicians are found?
I kid, I kid. I’ve heard one song total from the Yellowcard boys, so I can’t go really making any judgements, now can I?
Look for a Roundtable on the MTV Awards. My prediction as to what will happen this year, to top off ‘the Kiss’ from last year’s Awards? Jessica and Ashlee Simpson will step onstage and have sister/sister lesbian sex with each other while their dad jerks off onto them, whilst wearing a George W. Bush mask. Creepy, surreal and utterly f*cked up. Why am I channeling Stanley Kubrick, exactly?
– Sarah Slean has a new disc coming out in September! This news will probably excite about a whopping FOUR of you (if that!) But this is HUGE news for someone like myself, who is completely enamored with the lovely Ms. Slean. And for once, I don’t mean in a completely hedonistic, lustful way, although I will admit that she is VERY easy on the eyes. If I could marry Ms. Slean’s passion for music, art and life, I damn well WOULD. Keep an eye out for it, folks, and pick up Night Bugs, her first full length.
– Mushroomhead have been dropped from their label. Expect them to get picked up by Roadrunner in about another week or so.
– Time for some tidbits, real quick: Beck has tapped Jack White for help on his new record, still supposedly due out by the end of the year. Judas Priest fans can look for new material in the near future, as completion of a new Priest disc is just about done, according to an interview done with Rob Halford. Limp Bizkit are hard at work in London, while a new Mars Volta disc should be out in November. The Music one of the best groups that came out last year, have a new disc due out at the end of September. Interpol have named their new CD Antics, which a release date at the end of the month. Finally, Iced Earth have a greatest hits due out in just over a week’s time.
– For you fans of the =W=, Rivers Cuomo, frontman for the band, decided to post his admissions essay to Harvard up on his weblog earlier in the week. Click here to revel in the sledgehammer job Rivers does to his status as Demi-God of Emo. You’ve incurred a penalty to your THAC0, Mr. Cuomos, and failed your saving throw vs. normalcy. Roll a d20 and we’ll switch back to language that more than about 10 people’ll be able to understand, considering just about no one plays 2e Dungeons & Dragons anymore.
Yes, I realize I’m dating myself and yes, I realize that I’ve just completely eliminated any and all chance at snagging some booty for the next 10-15 years. The sacrifices I make to churn out interesting columns for you ratf*ckers!
– Quote of the week goes to Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue, on AJ from the Backstreet Boys:
â€I cover her eyes and she’s like, â€˜Dad’. And I was like â€˜Oh my God, I must have put parents through hell.’ Because I would actually pull mine out. That’s the difference. That’s why I covered her eyes â€“ I was f*cking embarrassed because he’s a wimp.â€
Anti-Pop: Mr. Brightside
– Jeff gets the top spot, with a cherry on top this week, for reasons mentioned earlier on in the column. Send the fellow some praise, would ya? Oh, and to clear some things up, Jeff, the Anti-Pop reference comes from Flair’s book, and is one of the last lines read.
– Aaron answers my question, showing that even the 411 MUSIC STAFF WRITER OF THE YEAR will associate with the common folk every once in a while. He rags on Lauryn Hill as well, in a particularly interesting little segment this week.
– Filling the shoes of the Mighty Evocator Manes may seem to be a daunting task to some writers, but Phil doesn’t seem to be bothered at all. Will the pressure get to him as time goes on? Will Melchor seek to re-ignite his feud with those of Thursday? Do I ask too many f*cking questions in these pimps? Probably, so let’s all welcome Phil to the 411 Music Family and rejoice in the fact that I am no longer the lowest rung on the ladder for the weekly music writers. Yay!
– Elliot is in his Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday slot. He’s got some Anna, some 411 site feuds of his own, plus some DEVASTATING news on Ozma; information of which I wasn’t aware of myself until finding out about it in his column. All’s I have to say about that is that it really f*cking sucks.
– Melchor’s Column is the latest in a series of books being sent out by Time Life. Call now and we’ll send you a free book for you to sample! Every week thereafter we’ll send you a new book for you to check out, chock full of music news goodness. Order now! Dial, 1-800-WIDRO-LUVS-$ and be ready with a Visa, American Express or Mastercard. Operators are standing by!
The End Is The Beginning Is The End
I’m really reaching for a closer here this week, so I’m gonna keep this short and sweet. Check out Melchor tomorrow, and stay honest with one another. I know I made promises to a big ‘surprise’ this week, but scheduling conflicts created problems for this particular surprise. Check back next week for some goodies, which I *promise* will be ready to roll by then. I’m Trevor, and this has been yet anothe Sunday.