Welcome to the Daily Pulse, Scotsmanality style. I am your host Scotsman, and I’m the perfect choice for this job. I’m unreliable, I don’t watch wrestling and I like to say stuff that pisses off the advertising companies.
Some people write to put themselves over with the readers; others write to try and spark a reaction, or just to get their name mentioned on a random internet forum. As for me? I write because I want to entertain you guys, no matter how much humiliation I have to go through in the process.
For the record, this will probably not be the daily slot for me; I’m just filling in for the day while Widro sorts the schedule out. My column will consist of some of my best stuff from Scotsmanality(oh f*ck you, there’s lots of good stuff there), as well as my views on wrestling, as despite even watching it I’ll still rip it to shreds because really, it’s just so FUN.
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As I’m stressed for time and not really caught up on wrestling at the moment we’ll keep this short, however one thing I’m well known for around the internet is feuds, as one Jay Bower can surely attest. Actually, I’ve been getting to the point lately where I’ve considered myself untouchable. You ever have that feeling? I feel that no matter what I do, there’s no-one out there who can match me. I remember in the good old days when I was in a feud with an opponent, it was as if I was playing a game of chess with him. I was always calculating his next move, trying to figure out where he would move next, and how to counter that. However, can you blame me for getting lazy? After the demolition job I did on one Jay Bower, we had Ronald Charon in the e-bay/Degrassi battle. It was a little tough going, but in the end I walked all over him. There was also David from PHPWebhosting who was no match for me, plus another ebay battle which Janise got into, something I’ll write about in the next week.
Let’s be honest though; it’s because of Detective Hamrick. Without him, I would never be so confident. Whether it be a feud, a legal battle or someone showing up at my door yelling “REVIEW WCW THUNDER”, Hamrick’s always there to bail me out. Really, this is a bad thing because I know how entertaining feuds are for you all, however despite numerous attempts with various people, no-one will go any further than sparring with me, knowing the ammunition I’ll have against them.
Yes, no-one was stupid enough to ever consider f*cking with the Scotsman…..
Subject: our name
TeamWhiskers is a copyrighted logo and you need to do more research on it before putting this on your site.
Get our name off your website as we will not tolerate it being used in such a slanderous, demeaning fashion associated with this type of filth.
Shit. I am f*cked.
You see, at the beginning of this year I had a contest between my forum visitors at Scotsmanality, entitled Scotsmanality Survivor All-Stars. Originality is not my strong point. The teams were titled based on Scotsmanality-related topics, for example my dog Abba, my stalker Risto, and the cat that has caused all these problems for me, Whiskers.
I mean seriously, it was all my own fault. When I was announcing the teams for Scotsmanality Survivor All-Stars, the first thing on my list to do was Check the internet and make sure those team names are not copyrighted. It’s the first thing anyone could do, yet I somehow manage to get distracted by other important matters like scratching my testicles….then smelling my fingers afterwards. Who would have thought that six months after choosing the names, the rightful owners to the name TeamWhiskers would hunt me down and inform me that they would not “tolerate” my use of the name. And you know, I think I knew I was walking into a trap when I used the name in a “slanderous, demeaning fashion.” SILLY SCOTSMAN. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
So with my tail between my legs, I went walking to Detective Hamricks office, and consulted him for some advice. I could see the sweat dripping off his wrinkled forehead as he studied the e-mail, then he looked at me with a grave expression and said the words that will haunt me for the rest of my lifetime:
“We are f*cked.”
Thanks for pulling no punches Hamrick. We discussed the matter a bit more, and then decided that we should send out the following e-mail:
Subject: RE: Our Name
Many thanks for your e-mail of this morning Friday August 6th 2004, which I read at 10:39am. I have browsed the e-mail, printed it off, sent a copy to my legal team, and they have advised me to e-mail you back, and I quote here, a “profanity laced e-mail, telling those faggots to go suck a dick”.
I must add that my legal team consists of a man with a handlebar moustache, and his way of thinking is a little bit in the dark ages. Did you know that he still forces his children to wash their mouths out with soap if they say a naughty word? Once he didn’t have soap, and he washed the childs mouth out with some twenty-year old Scotch Whiskey, “the finest Grouse” he added with a smile on his face. His wife wasn’t smiling though, when she realized that he’d put alcohol in a three week olds mouth, causing it to swallow some and die. Quite the sad tale.
In closing, go f*ck yourself.
As of 12:30pm Sunday however, there has still been no response. I pulled Hamrick away from his regular Sunday afternoon activities of raping and pillaging nuns to assist me in this battle. Hamrick, semen-dribbling penis still hanging out of his bathing suit, wrote the following e-mail to TeamWhiskers which I will now share with you:
Subject: LIMP BIZKiT 4 LiFe!!!!!
HEY U FUCKHEADS,
I AM SCOTSMANS LAWYER. FUCK U MOTHERSUCKERCOCKFUCKERS.
Ten minutes later and with his penis now tucked back inside his pants, he sat down and wrote a follow-up e-mail:
Subject: Re: Team Whiskers Copyright.
Dear Copyright Owners of TeamWhiskers,
First of all, I would like to apologize for the previous mail. I guess that was a lesson for us all: never write e-mails while on a cocaine high. Now I am less flustered, I am prepared to sit down and talk with you calmly.
I have reviewed the correspondence you sent my client this morning, and the correspondence he sent to you and feel that we should deal with each other directly. It will cause less aggravation for Scotsman, plus perhaps you can throw me some money on the side to f*ck him over. Just a hint. *wink wink*
Unfortunately, I have some bad news. In researching some old records, I discovered that the TeamWhiskers name is actually trademarked by a Ms. Anne Reynolds from Ohio, dating back to 1653. She had registered it due to reasons that are currently unknown, however the records did add that she is a dirty, dirty whore, although I’m not sure what relevance that has.
While involved in my research however I came across another startling discovery: apparently your mother is solely responsible for the aids virus which causes so many deaths in the world today. Apparently she was so much of a slut, that God(May he rest in peace) decided that he had to punish her by giving her the aids virus. Rumours that he also punished her by providing her with you as a child have gone unfounded as of this writing.
Unless we receive a reply within fifteen days of this letter, stating that you are very sorry for your dirty, dirty whore of a mother, and pictures of you inserting a pair of scissors into your rectum, we will have no choice but to proceed with legal action where we will be suing you for $10.37(the price of a Philly Cheesesteak sub at Quiznos) and for the antidote for the dreadful aids virus.
Detective James T. Hamrick.
And we did receive a response within fifteen days…24 hours to be exact.
Subject: Re: LIMP BIZKIT 4 LiFe!!!
*HEY U FUCKHEADS,
*I AM SCOTSMANS LAWYER. FUCK U MOTHERSUCKERCOCKFUCKERS.
We do not appreciate this type of language nor will we deal with such vulgar in any means or fashion. This is an absolute insult to your so called profession as being a legal representive.
Did you hear that? They will not deal with “such vulgar” in “any means or fashion”….except by SENDING AN E-MAIL IN RESPONSE. Doesn’t that mean they’re dealing with it? However I have to agree with the last sentence…I’ve had eight phone calls today from lawyers complaining that Hamrick is giving them a bad name. One lawyer even lost a multi-million dollar case over it. “Now how am I going to buy that third boat?” he wailed on the phone, before drowning in his own vomit. To his credit, Hamrick DID respond with a more serious, less drug-induced e-mail, however teamwhiskers did not like that either:
Subject: Re: TeamWhiskers Copyright
Do you really expect us to take this serious?
I think my favourite part of that almost grammatically correct sentence is the mention of “us”. You know what that means, right? There’s more than one of them….there’s probably a whole GANG, with at least eight warrants spread over thirteen states each, and they’re letting Hamrick know that if he messes them around, they’ll be punching him in the face, kicking him in the groin and worse…..growing handlebar moustaches just so they can mock him.
And of course, they still weren’t finished…..
To: firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com
Subject: Re: TeamWhiskers Copyright
[Attached – Both e-mails Detective Hamrick sent]
Graeme McGaw and Derek Drummond:
This is certainly not a very good representation of an employee of yours trying to impersonate a lawyer as noted below of web design business. Now let’s get this issue cleaned up very quickly before the proper authorities are notified concerning this type of behavior.
Dear god, where do I begin? Or dare I start? First of all they tried to use their OWN sleuthing skills by checking the domain registration of Scotsmanality.com and finding that it was registered in the name of Derek Drummond, who may or may not be a figment of my own imagination. They then decide to send the e-mails to every e-mail address they can find on my web design company site. You know why they did that, right? They hoped that perhaps I was hosted by GDWebmedia or work for GDWebmedia, along with Hamrick, and our managers would see this and FIRE US~!!!! I think it’s time to really be concerned…we’re dealing with a team of GENIUSES here.
I await more e-mails from them as I love how they visit thesaurus.com before writing an e-mail, and try and come across all “lawyer-like”, yet they still can’t write an actual grammatically correct sentence. Due to Detective Hamrick taking an asswhipping from this team, I decided to try and save some face and take the matter into my own hands:
Subject: Re: TeamWhiskers Copyright
Thank you for your e-mail today, which you sent to every @gdwebmedia.com address you could find. Unfortunately our web design company consists of just one member which is me, so I ended up receiving multiple copies of the e-mail. It worked out good though, as it was an enjoyable read, and something I could enjoy again and again. I brought up all the e-mails in one window, so I could read them all at once, as shown in attached image entitled “little kids penis.jpg”.
I then convinced my fiancee that it was a “spot the difference” contest and if she won, she got $5000. She then spent two hours trying to spot the difference before taking off all her clothes and making mad, passionate love to me. For this, I thank you and have attached a picture of a donkey as my gratitude.
However I am quite disturbed as to your accusation that Detective James T. Hamrick is not a lawyer. Is it because of his handlebar moustache? I can see how this could cause you doubt, however I assure you that Detective James T. Hamrick is a legitimate lawyer…and is not the only lawyer in his profession with a handlebar moustache. I refer you to Donald Findlay Q.C., one of Scotland’s highest ranked lawyers who also has a handlebar moustache. The major difference between them however is that Mr. Findlay defends paedophiles, murderers and rapists while Detective James T. Hamrick only defends me, and I’m not a paedophile, nor a murder, and pending a lack of evidence dropped court case, will not be classed as a rapist either.
I do agree however that we must get this issue cleaned up very quickly. As a matter of fact I made a mistake today when I let the IMproper authorities know about the situation. I was having lunch today with my friend Cliff, who unfortunately doesn’t have a handlebar moustache. He does have lice in his public hair however, which as you can imagine is not very pleasant. We were discussing this case, when some Navy Seals who were sitting at the next table overheard us, and promised “quick, stiff action” then proceeded to load their guns with bullets, and dive out the window, spraying glass everywhere. So be warned that if you see any navy seals in your vicinity, I do not recommend talking to them, nor wearing shirts with giant bullseye images on the front or back.
I have thankfully discussed things with my legal team, and Detective Hamrick has came up with an amicable solution for us all. He will be e-mailing us all in a few minutes, as soon as he is finished his current activity, which is feeding rice krispies to one of his many slaves.
I bid you farewell, and hope we can correspond again soon.
And Detective James T. Hamrick then fired off this e-mail:
After discussion with my client, I believe I have came up with the solution to all our problems. I present to you the attached image, which will be the new logo for Scotsmanality.com. I assume that this solves any problems. I await your acceptance, you grotty little faggot.
So unless they choose not to accept this offer, and really who in their right mind wouldn’t, we’ll be seeing a whole new era as of tomorrow evening….
*Copyrighted by us.
And a special bonus, just for you wonderful 411man….Inside Pulse readers….
A PICTURE OF THE MAN I AM FEUDING WITH:
If he involves the fish, I don’t see this ending well for me.