Junk News, Huzzah!

Before I begin, some really quick plugs for my friend Zach. Zach is proving to me that you don’t have to sell penis drugs or screw with people’s mortgages in order to make money on the Internet. He is currently involved in several clever and cool businesses that I’d like to share with you. I am not receiving a penny for this, I truly just enjoy the businesses.

AbsoluteFragrances.com is just awesome for birthdays, anniversaries, even just to tell that special succubus that you love them. Great colognes and perfumes at cheap prices, I honestly don’t see how you can go wrong. If you need cologne or perfume, I recommend that you check out AbsoluteFragrances.com before you head over to Macy’s and pay a lot more.

Heroesofthepast.com. I love this site. It’s one of the new sports memorabilia sites on the net. Zach went to some event at the Baseball Hall of Fame and he came back talking so big. “We interviewed Yogi Berra! We interviewed Don Zimmer! Blah blah blah!” You know how annoying it is when a friend talks about business, and Zach usually exaggerates a lot so I was taking it with a grain of salt. Then I went to the interviews page. He wasn’t lying, he has the interviews with some of the greatest players of all time. There’s one with Yogi where he doesn’t even realize he’s being interviewed until halfway through. Anyway, if you’re a collector or a baseball fan check the site out. It’s got a lot of good stuff.

Plugged friend? Check. Explained rust? Check. On to the”¦

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Insidepulse.com was launched this week with Scott Keith, Chris Hyatte, Eric S, Flea, and Joshua Grutman! Widro was able to retain their services after threatening to release pictures of the orgy we all had. In all honesty, it was worth it. Scott Keith has such smooth skin.

Register for the insidepulse.com forums and you’ll be entered into the Summerslam Thousand Dollar sweepstakes! I entered, but it’ll be a cold day in hell before Widro cuts me a check for anything. I’m not angry or anything, you know? Just saying. God I hate Widro.

By the way, from now on I’d like to be referred to as “Pulsing Insider.” HAHAHA! Get it? No? Crap.

According to the ad currently at the top of the site (it changes constantly), AIDS is preventable and apathy is lethal. Of course death by ape attack is lethal! What are we, morons? Seriously though, click on the link. We gotta make a thousand bucks quick.

Okay, wrestling news.

WWE.com has started a jukebox service where for only 40 dollars a year you can watch classic match ups from ECW, WCW and WWE history! This service offers such great matches as RVD vs. Rhyno for the ECW TV title! WOW! Ric Flair vs. Eddie Guererro! AWESOME! Stevie Ray vs. Chris Jericho! OKAY I GUESS!. Brock Lesnar vs. Hulk Hogan. Yeah. Sting and Ernest Miller vs. The Great Muta and Vampiro. Hmm. Lex Luger vs. Stephen Regal. Ugh. Come on! Like 80 billion hours of matches and we get Luger vs. Regal? Give me a break. ORDER IT NOW!

Look for a full review of every match on the list from some dickwad on some site.

John Cena will star in the first project from WWE films entitled “The Soldier.” Cena plays a really gay guy who is kicked out of the army for being too gay. He then cries for two hours. Looks like fun.

World Wrestling Entertainment (does anyone mind if I just write The WWE? I know it’s not grammatically correct, but still”¦) has implemented a dress code. You see this Rosey? This is what happens when you refuse to go to the Laundromat! Everyone else went! Helms even offered to take your clothes with his! But NOOOOOOO! “I’ll clean them when I get home. I gotta free washing machine there. Don’t worry about it.” And everybody got so sick of your filthy shirts and your disgusting jeans and now everyone has to wear slacks! You think The Big Show enjoys wearing slacks? You think The Undertaker wanted to throw his leather pants away? You think Paul London is going to forgive you? This is the same Paul London who was so happy wearing his silk komodo from town to town! He deserves happiness too Rosey! YOU RUINED IT FOR EVERYONE!

The dress code is mandatory for everyone except Triple H, who is encouraged to wear and do whatever he wants when he wants.

Also odd, the code stipulates that Chris Benoit wear orange face paint and a green wig and run back and forth while Hunter throws chocolate at him. ABUSE OF POWER!

Bob Holly has been complaining about the dress code. I think he’s just upset because it’s something new that he can’t beat the hell out of. ZING ON HOLLY! GRUTMAN 1: HOLLY 0!

Perhaps the biggest problem was in Corpus Christi where the wrestler had to wear dress shirts and slacks in 100 degree weather. Well, everyone except for Triple H in his Hawaiian shirt and thong.

The big question going around is whether or not the Diva Search contest is fixed. The answer of course is no, it is still broken. Very, very broken.

Shelton Benjamin is back bitch! He said he looks forward to picking up where he left off, losing to Batista.

A stolen X-Box led to a murder spree. On the other hand, at least I got my X-Box back.

Bam Bam Bigelow is opening up two delis! Come buy pastrami from an ex-wrestler with flames tattooed on his head. Kidding Bam Bam! Mr. Bigelow was one of my favorites growing up, and I’ll put his meat in my mouth if I ever get the chance.

JJ Dillion said he would rather flip burgers for a living than ever work for Vince McMahon again. Medium with bacon Mr. Dillion. Medium with bacon.

Sean O’Haire was arrested for allegedly beating two girls in a nightclub. O’Haire says the two girls started the fight with him and beat him within an inch of his life. It was only through the grace of Christ that O’Haire was able to grab the bitch sluts by the hair and bang their heads together. Being Samoan, the two ladies no-sold it.

I hate to be a downer, but could we have a moment of silence in memory of Katie Vick? As many of you remember, Katie Vick died in a tragic automobile accident in which Kane was driving the car. Either before or after she died, Kane made love to her dead body. Triple H reenacted this horrible act on Raw. A moment of silence, please.

coff
shut up
sorry
both of you be quiet
sorry
sorry

This just in! Rikishi, recently fired by the WWE for being gigantic and stale, has eaten Bam Bam Bigelow’s Delis out of business. Both of them! DAMN YOU KISH!

Wow, what a Raw! Hunter beat up Eugene. Eugene beat up Randy. Randy beat up Benoit. Benoit beat up Flair. Flair beat up no one. Flair loses!

Also on Raw, the seven WWE divas challenged the seven contest challengers to a Summerslam game of dodge ball. I swear to God, if the contestants don’t pull out the victory I’m just going to put the gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. What the hell will be left to live for?

Rhyno and Tajiri were unable to win their two minute challenge against jobbers 1 & 2. As a result they were sent back to the salt mines of Bolivia. We here at insidepulse wish nothing but the best for Rhyno and Tajiri and the other poor workers of the salt mine in Bolivia. No one deserves that fate. No one”¦. SAVE FOR WIDRO!

My EX-website, 411mania.com, has 80 Raw reports up now. There is one in particular that seems to combine the snootiness of Keith with the vulgarity of Hyatte”¦ it could become the quite the hit. The only problem is that there were 14 reports and I forgot the name of the good one. But if you feel like a treasure hunt, seek it out. It’s worth it. Just found it! Rawtopsy. Funny stuff. No link but read it.

And don’t miss PK’s Raw report right here at insidepulse! Someone had to do it!

Summerslam is a surprisingly packed card this year, featuring Kurt Angle vs. Eddie in a rematch from their okay match at Wrestlemania! John Cena vs. Booker T again! Undertaker vs. JBL! Hunter vs. Eugene! Edge vs. Jericho vs. Batista! I’m so excited about it I might even order it! Unless Widro will have me over. I love you Widro. Remember Gridro? Grutman and Widro? It was during my kissing up period.

Hey, why does Daniels refuse to debate me? Is it because he sucks ass? You can ask him at this address here.

And now for something serious.

Kurt Angle recently did an interview with the Pittsburg Post-Gazette. The following is quoted from the article.

“Angle can no longer hear with his left ear, drained of fluid 80 times. He has nerve damage in his face. He’s had six knee surgeries and a broken neck. He’s dislocated his shoulder and ripped ligaments in his ankle. In every way, he has followed the vagaries of an intractable desire — it’s lifted him up and broken him down, sometimes all at once.”

It’s completely his fault. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge Kurt Angle fan. I wish he was the healthiest guy on the planet. He’s amazing on the mike, amazing in the ring, and from what I hear about him he’s amazing out of the ring. But when you sign on to be a professional wrestler you’d better be willing to accept the fact that you’re going to be in pain for a good portion of your life. Although I am not certain of this, from what I understand the health plan (if there is one) is lousy and the pain is constant. Even protecting yourself just try falling down on your back three times in a row. You get used to it, but just because the pain isn’t as great doesn’t mean that the body doesn’t suffer the same effects.

It is the price you pay for being a movie star without having to go to a million acting classes. It is the price you pay for being an athlete without having to compete, only to perform. And in Kurt Angle’s case, it is the price you pay to be the best.

Kurt Angle is the best in the WWE. One day we will talk about Kurt Angle and Ric Flair in the same breath if Kurt wrestles for another three years as he says he wants to. He might leave barely able to walk, unable to hear, his back broken and knee useless, but he will leave as one of the best professional wrestlers of all time. He will be cherished in our hearts and near the top on our lists.

But that is it. His legacy will rest with us. He is not Hulk Hogan. He will not be a Trivial Pursuit answer. He is not Chris Jericho. He will not be a part of The Best Week Ever. He’ll be remembered as a gold medal winning Olympian, but can you tell me who won the medal for the closest weight class to his in 2000? Saghid Mourtasaliyev of Russia. Never heard of him? Of course you didn’t. He’s Saghid Mourtasaliyev of Russia. Had Kurt Angle not been so banged up he could have come out of retirement as he had planned to and entered the Olympics again. Winning a gold medal while a WWE wrestler would have been legendary.

At the height of both of their popularity, Margaret Carlson confused The Rock with Stone Cold Steve Austin, and she did so in calling The Rock a skinhead. These were two of the most popular and marketed wrestlers of all time, one black and one white, and Carlson couldn’t tell the difference. These men who trade their futures away, who trade their bodies away so they can entertain us are indistinguishable to most of America.

The Rock is a movie star now, having left the business before he felt a sharp pain in his back whenever he took a step. Steve Austin wasn’t so lucky. He’s at home now. I don’t know if he can move without hurting. Kurt Angle is on the same path.

That is why Brock Lesnar is a genius. Before he became a big ball of injuries he took off to achieve glory. Maybe he’ll be a great football player, maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll suffer even more pain in his new profession, maybe it’ll feel like an erotic massage compared to what he’s used to. Whatever the result of his choice, he has given himself a chance to make a name for himself with the rest of America. Make no mistake, a football player is much more respected than a professional wrestler. Not by us maybe, but definitely by the rest of America.

The practice squad on The Vikings after being a world champion wrestler means endorsement offers for Lesnar that Angle will never be able to get. A union that will look out for Lesnar’s best interests that Angle will never be a part of. Sports columnists who would never deign to mentioning Kurt Angle’s name in regards to professional wrestling will praise the effort of Lesnar in surpassing everyone’s expectations.

Most importantly, Angle will be in pain and will be remembered by us. Lesnar will be in less pain and be remembered by America.

Thanks Kurt. I sincerely hope we can make it worth it for you.

PLUGS!

Gloomchen has a new music column! Here is a fuzzy picture of her from the webcam I hid in her room while she was out.

Excellent, eh? I honestly have no idea what happens if you click on the picture. I am brand new at this. I think you wind up at imageshack.

Scottsman checked in with a daily pulse! It was both pulsing and daily.

I LOVE RANDLE! I know we’re not supposed to be plugging the competition or whatever, but that kid is stepping up for 411 big time! I feel like the proud poppa of a skinny Canadian. I just want the world to know that I didn’t teach him anything.

On this side of the fence, Scott Keith and Eric S do what they do best.

Big announcement coming from me in the next few weeks! Okay, not so much a big announcement as the fact that I got a live journal. I just need to start updating it. Right now I’m using it as a testing board for my column’s html. When it’s up and funny I’ll let you guys know. But look out for the big announcement! Again, a live journal. HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT! HUGE!

Quick contest announcement! Widro said we should develop a logo for ourselves. This is what I have so far. I don’t think it’s very good, but it’s not”¦ well, it’s pretty awful.

So if you can design a better logo, design one up and let me see it! If I like it, it will become my new thing and stuff! Awesome, eh?

And that’s that. Smackdown spoilers should be up. I bet Spike gets all evil and JBL is all scared and Booker T is still black. Should be awesome!

Goodbye! Always be a fiend!