The Midnight News 08.12.04

I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News Omega.

Off we go…

BUT, PLUGS

Read this message from Widro explaining how YOU douchebag broke asses can maybve pocket one thousand dollars. Oh, and I’ll be doing a trivia question of my own here in Monday’s SUMMERSLAM MOP-UP… and yeah, I will BURY the mother… so you’ll have to read EVERY WORD in order to find the trivia question. Ask anyone alive and online in the late 90’s… the Mop-Ups used to go on FOREVER!

Let me further say that I fear only one man, and he is the Scotsman. That’s one scary mother… for a VARIETY of reasons.

And finally… this site is… 4 days old, and Widro ordered me to check out Alexa.com. So I did. Here are the ranking from just yesterday (which are pretty much the same for the entire week)

411: ranked 17,975

PWInsider: ranked 20,818

INSIDE PULSE: ranked 30,371

Live Audio Wrestling (aka the Observer): ranked 34,002

1wrestling: ranked 41,315

and Wrestleline which made it’s TRIUMPHANT RETURN MONTHS AGO to show ALL OF US HOW A WEB SITE SHOULD BE RUN: they’re ranked: 1,185,789… that’s one MILLION! Heh, so much for banking it all on Scaia and some hillbilly bitch named “Jeb”… heh… HA!!

That’s after FOUR DAYS and we’re ALREADY beating Melzer, Ryder, and Keller… and Scherer will NOT stay ahead for long.

ALL ON NOTHING BUT MY PLUGS!!! ME AND SCOOTER!! THAT’S ALL WHO PLUGGED THIS SITE….andjustaboutevery411writer… thanks guys!). NEVER DOUBT MY DRAWING POWER, YOU MISERABLE, JEALOUS C-SUCKS!!! NEVER DOUBT GOD DAMN HYATTE!!! YOU FAGGOTS!!!

You ever really wonder why Widro keeps me around, there’s your reason. Right there.

IN-DEPTH SMACKDOWN AND TNA REPORT

All reports say that Smackdown kept things simple and business-like this week… a by the numbers telecast.

However, DO tune in to see how edited the Chavo Jr/ Nunzio botch-fest was. From all reports, this may be the single worst piece of crap cruiserweight match in wrestling history.

And you MUST tune in to see WHITE JBL RESCUE proud “Chief of Staff” (*ahemstep’n’fetchitCOUGH) AFRICAN Orlando Jones from the hands of the
HARDCORE WHITE Undertaker dead in the middle of Detroit… which is America’s version of a Third World country…now THAT, my friends, takes balls.

You wanna know how America keeps Canada in line? We have Detroit on the front lines, BEGGING those tundra-ass mooseblowers to start some shit. If YOU had Detroit as your next door neighbor, YOU’D be meeker than a frickin’ churchmouse too.

Yo, I know New York BLACK MEN who won’t step foot in Detroit. I know Hispanics from Miami who would rather swim back to Africa than go to Motown… t

Meanwhile, TNA continues to be the Dusty Rhodes, Jeff Jarrett, Vince Russo show… with a guest starring role for AJ Styles. And Raven has spent… something like 10 months in a feud with Sabu that, from what I can see, NO ONE has yet to invest an ounce of interest in.

BENWHO? BENWHERE? BENHOW? BENWHY? BENWHAA?

Chris Benoit was recently interviewed by pro-wrestling… umm, journalist (?) Joltin’ Joe… yes, Joltin’ Joe…

Joltin’ f-ing Joe…

WHO ARE THESE MORONS???/ USE A REAL NAME PLEASE, YOU ASSHOLES!!!! WHO THE CRAP IS GONNA TAKE ANYONE NAMED “JOLTIN JOE” SERIOUSLY????

Anyway… Benoit said he was looking forward to wrestling 3rd generation superstar Randy Orton, “Acting like this kid isn’t getting bumrushed to a title reign after only a couple of years in the business and pissing on my eighteen year career by putting him over without f*ckin’ sobbing like a hoser will be the greatest sell I’ve ever done

Benoit said he’ll be paying close attention to the three-way IC title match, “I need to see who I’ll be working with in the mid-card before I’m shipped back to Smackdown to put over Heindereich

Benoit said that he sorted through every match he ever worked for his DVD and decided that there is enough crap for a second DVD! “If you assholes thought I cried a lot in the first DVD, you haven’t seen NOTHING yet, eh!

That was basically it… Joltin’ Joe didn’t have too much time with the Wolverine… he must’ve been late for his “Gay Wrestling Reporters With Loser Nicknames” meeting. (Membership includes: “Joltin’ Joe”, “Crazy Chris”, “Ballistic Bill”, “Whacky Wally”, and “Buck Woodward”)

AN ATTACK FROM THE MCMAC

Nope, he didn’t get anything in this week, but he IS AWARE of the switch and he promised to try to get something in after SummerSlam

I called his office and left the message that I’m leaving. Hopefully he’ll send in something for Monday.

In the meantime, Drop him a line!

HOWEVER, in order to fill some very valuable space here, I thought I’d use this opportunity to list some of the tag-lines that Widro had made up for Inside Pulse. Luckily, he ran them by me first because if any of them saw print… I… I… I’d probably be back at 411 kissing Ashish’s ass faster than you can say Who’s Coach Coogan?

Inside Pulse: It’s already inside you

Inside Pulse: At least we’re not 1insidepulse.com!

Inside Pulse: We’re Scooter-riffic!

Inside Pulse: Come see Hyatte reach new levels of suckness

Inside Pulse: All the writers that no one respects

Inside Pulse: We still ain’t paying anyone for this

Inside Pulse: Meltzer swallows semen

Inside Pulse: We’ve got Flea!

Inside Pulse: The IWC’s Version of a Nursing Home

Inside Pulse: We’ve got the beat

Inside Pulse: The Official home of Gloomchen!

Inside Pulse: it’s like 411, except with 30% more Jews!

Just… thank your lucky stars Widro has me to reign in his brilliance!

MADDEN AMERICA

His name is Mark Madden. He’s a radio host, journalist, former Nitro color man, and all around loud-mouth.

He’s also on the New York Times Best Seller List, not for anything he WROTE, but for his editing skills. He is editor of To Be The Man by Ric Flair.

That’s a dignified honor, being on the NY Times BSL. Really. Not too many people get on this list.

AND SO WHAT if it’s for a “rasslin’ book? It’s for a biography of a man who led an interesting life!

Books like these, serious treatments of sports entertainers, are crucial to Vince McMahon’s on-going plan to make wrestling more accepted in the mainstream. He doesn’t like it when “real sports” fans turn their nose up at the business anymore than you do.

So, how do you think the editor of the book, who finally has an opportunity to show how good he really is without having to be his “obnoxious” character, should conduct himself when talking about his book? With grace? With dignity? Maybe stay quiet and let his work speak for himself? Let the book stand as a representation of RIC FLAIR’S life?

Yeah, not Madden. Madden has to go to the Torch VIP message boards and make a general spectacle of himself.

I knew this was coming. I knew the moment Wade Keller, DESPERATE to get some interest going in his VIP section (there are like, only 15 people – including Torch writers – who post there. I haven’t seen a new poster in MONTHS) trumpeted the fact that Madden, who acted like he not only wrote the book, but LIVED it, will be answering questions regarding it. Anyone who knows the imbecile could see what was coming.

But I HOPED that MAYBE Madden would see this as an oppourtunity to act professional for the first time in his life and… maybe BREAK KAYFABE…

Now it’s true, the VIPers all baited him (including one ASSHOLE named “JDW” who seems intent on turning every threrad that Madden is on into a personal battle – ignoring the fact that no one else on the forum gives a shit about him or his personal history with Madden), but if he was truly as “above” everyone as he says (and YES, he lists his entire resume in one of those posts… like he ALWAYS does), he could have ignored it. He could have blown off the insults and just answered the serious questions.

Nah… he had to go play heel.

The following series of Madden posts show just WHY no one will EVER take the business seriously… how can they? Even when they do something legit, like publish a serious biography, the EDITOR has to go be an asshole:

– [If the Flair book] turns out to be the best wrestling book ever (which it is) and gets on the NYtimes best-seller list (which it will) and it turns out that i had a lot to do w/the quality of the book (which i did), can all of you then kiss my ass in hell? this is sort of a rhetorical question. by the way, please don’t talk about how great lou thesz’ book is. everyone’s already forgotten who he ever was, but they’ll still be “wooo!”-ing when a wrestler gets chopped in the chest 50 years from now. “hooker” is a book that got read in the forest. it didn’t really make a sound.

so, how has everybody been?

it’s true, the legend of ric flair could not POSSIBLY be contained in one book. which means…BIG MONEY FOR ME TO DO THE SEQUEL, BABY!!! two trips to the NYtimes best-seller list, more girls, more cars, more limo ridin’, more jet flyin’!!! WOOOOOO!!! as for me being “just” the editor, i was a lot more than “just” the editor, but i’ll let someone else…like ric…talk about that. or bruce could enlighten you, if he wants.

and just how would you know that unless you stalk me like a bitch, bitch? or maybe i just frequent high-class joints w/the snobs while you party in the gutter w/the slobs. feel free to introduce yourself sometime. because you will cower before the strength and majesty of a super genius w/a spot on the NYtimes best-seller list.

it’s my understanding you are attempting to work in my profession. you better hope that i never get a chance to influence any decision made about your career, because i will crush you like a bug. then again, i’m sure your incompetence does a fine job w/that. if the intelligence shown on your meager posts is reflective of your “journalistic” ability, well…there’s always barber college.

as for the lou thesz stuff, i met mr. thesz on a number of occasions. i liked him a great deal. i came under fire from the wrestlingclassics.com nitwits when i talked about his legacy of “beating women” on a nitro broadcast, but that was just an off-the-cuff remark and i don’t think there were any hard feelings w/mr. thesz. point is, there is no comparison b/w thesz and flair. not as an in-ring performer, and not as a star. flair far eclipses him (and everybody else) on both accounts. even if thesz’ book was great — and it IS pretty good — it doesn’t matter, cos mainstream wrestling fans have long since forgotten him (or never heard of him in the first place).

i do not have a “boner” for mr. thesz, by the way. necrophelia is NOT my perversion. a “boner”? christ, just when you thought it couldn’t get any more juvenile.

it’s also a reminder that bluster AND talent combined are pretty much unbeatable. let’s review:
*9 years working for wcw, one on TV.
*one of the highest-rated sports radio talk shows in the country.
*BIG money.
*coming next, a spot on the NYtimes best-seller list.
*if you read the torch back issues, it’s clear i am the 2nd-best wrestling columnist of all time (besides bruce, natch), so i’ve proven i can work THAT side of the street with aplomb, too.

let’s face it, everything you wanna do, i’ve done. look upon my works and despair. and yeah, i’ve even gotten laid now and again. not as much as you guys, i’m sure. i’m sure you guys are pitt, dicaprio and tt boy rolled up into one sexy package. but we can’t all be blessed w/looks. i just have to settle for brains, success and $$$. oh well.

if i were a fanboy, i never would have made it in wrestling. if you look at my body of work and certain other bodies of, er, “work”, it’s pretty evident who the fanboys are and aren’t. but if anybody wants to say that posting a million self-important msgs on a thousand wrestling websites is a life well lived, that’s fine. keep telling yourself that.

read the book. make me rich. i’m done w/questions.

you know, i am a damn fine writer…

this f’ing board is amazing, and i don’t mean that in a good way. my offer to answer questions is the closest i’ve ever been to having hat in hand when it comes to the internet community, and in fairly short order my friend is accused of using recreational drugs and the accuracy of the book i worked on is nit-picked to death. it’s also suggested that i host an eating competition on espn. i’m asked who’s penis is bigger, flair’s or bruno’s. then, of course, there’s the usual flurry of jokes about being fat (which i am) and gay (which i’m not). it’s just not worth it. i’m extremely successful, as the record (and bruce) will verify. i come on here, i try to be nice, and i get made to feel like s**t. again: not worth it.

it’s the fault of a few morons, true, but the rest of you play along. do i go overboard sometimes? yes. but so would you if you got treated like this WHEN YOU WERE TRYING TO BE NICE!!!

if you would rather hear the jumbled droolings of people who have gleaned ALL their knowledge of wrestling from watching it and/or reading meltzer/keller, fine. because that’s certainly the path that’s been chosen. i don’t deserve to be treated with kid gloves. but i certainly deserve to be treated better.

wow…you really have my ass kicked. all i have are money and fame. i bow before your superiority.

you bought this book. you’ll buy the next one, too. thanks for your patronage.

What a boob. What white trash.

And you wonder why “normal” people sneer that this business. Even when they try to do something legit, like publish a serious book, you have douchebags like THE EDITOR running around acting like he’s cutting heel promos.

Way to go Madden, good job. Way to take the high road. Way to be a PROFESSIONAL.

F*ckin’ slob.

A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

*Each square inch of human skin consists of twenty feet of blood vessels.*

And just like that, youâ??re already a little smarter than you were 3 seconds ago!

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:

WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON…

God.

God? He ain’t still around, is he? I’ve traveled on the road a lot, and ended up reading the Bible cover to cover. Had to, they stick a Bible in every room just to f*ck with the assholes.

GIDEONS: nice enough book. The only parts to pay attention to is Genesis and the Gospels. Everything else is horseshit. Job, he was up to no good. Now, Revelations, those are theirs to get: Manson, the Beatles. Hell, Christ comes back Front to back, good shit.

Flea: a man who ignores Widro’s e-mails to contribute, then gripes about what Widro posted.

LADIES LOVE COOL HY (JAILBAIT EDITION)

So there I was, online and minding my own beeswax when a girl said hello.

Keep an eye on the timestamps and try to pinpoint exactly when I said, “F**k morality and f**k the law.”

SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:37:08 PM): Hi
Hyatte1com (10:37:40 PM): Hi
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:37:57 PM): ur funny
Hyatte1com (10:38:18 PM): I’m Chris, actually
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:38:39 PM): LOL

SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:39:10 PM): im (her name)
Hyatte1com (10:39:11 PM): hello
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:39:20 PM): hi my brother loves wrestling so thats how I notived you

Hyatte1com (10:39:25 AM): cool… so what are you wearing?
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:43:28 PM): LOL
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:45:51 PM): how old are you?
Hyatte1com (10:45:44 PM): u first
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:45:49 PM): LOL
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:48:01 PM): im 16 yo
Hyatte1com (10:48:08 PM): I see
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:52:05 PM): u?
Hyatte1com (10:52:23 PM): how ’bout that Justin huh? Man, he HOTT

SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:52:32 PM): eww gay
Hyatte1com (10:53:16 PM): no way man!
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:54:28 PM): LOL
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:59:51 PM): im still waiting
Hyatte1com(11:00:44 PM): for?
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (11:01:49 PM): how old are you lol
Hyatte1com(11:04:03 PM): 34 yo!
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (11:04:25 PM): no way
Hyatte1com (11:04:29 PM): way

SeXxieLiLrEe04 (11:04:38 PM): thought ude be younger yo
Hyatte1com (11:04:45 PM): I get that a lot.
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (11:04:52 PM): LOL well ure still funny

Hyatte1com (11:05:03 PM): thanks
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (11:05:08 PM): 🙂

Hyatte1com (11:10:03 PM): so ure 16?
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (11:11:05 PM): fraid so

Hyatte1com (11:11:34 PM): what are you wearing?
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (11:11:41 PM): lol pjs u nerd

Hyatte1com (11:12:48 PM): ever have sex before?
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (11:12:52 PM): ugh… thats none of ure business and f*ck u

and then she logged off…

There wasn’t a single time during this chat where I wasn’t fully aroused.

This is something I am not proud of

I… I might need some help.

HE’S GOT A FEINSTEIN, BUT HIS ASS IS STILL FLABBY

And now, part two of the Pedofile section of the Midnight News:

He has yet to be CHARGED with anything, yet in the court of public opinion, Rob Feinstein is guiltier than OJ…

Yet lots of people… some of them actually WHITE, think OJ is innocent!

SOME people think Rob Feinstein is innocent too!!!

Well, if YOU are one of those people… allow the man who CHATTED with Feinstein as “ParddayBrand” to ease your confusion… yes, it’s none other than perverted-justice.com’s own JAY ALTERNATIVE to lay down the FACTS!!

Okay, enough of this chit chat from those defending Rob.

1. At no point did I alter any chat log with Rob.

2. My only goal at PJ is to protect children. I have no interest in the fact Rob is a big name in wrestling for I do not follow wrestling or have ever. As in the case of Rob, and many of my other busts, I have attempted contact afterwards to assist them in seeking professional help. Rob and I have had very civil conversations post bust yet he does not feel he had any wrong doing in this situation. He also feels there is no need for professional help. Therefore my I have done what I can do and would like this matter closed on my end.

For those questioning and dissecting the chat log and chain of events, that is up to your own free will. In the immediate future, my hard drive is going to be examined by LE forensics for two other cases they need chat logs for. If they are willing, I will ask them to extract the original logs from Rob’s bust. At which time, they will clearly be able to give a legal answer to if they were altered. As myself and Rob already know, the answer will be NO. I have the name and address of Rob’s lawyer, given to me by Rob himself, and if the LE forensic officers do this for me, Rob’s lawyer will be the first to receive a notarized copy from LE.

Yes, so if you can’t believe someone named JAY ALTERNATIVE, who CAN you believe?

For the actual article, go read this piece from Sean McCaffrey, who is the Dave Meltzer of Independent Wrestling

I called Rob Feinstein for his comments on this… Feinstein made the following retorts:

It’s a sad day when you can’t have a normal chat with a pre-teen without it turning into a huge hullaballo!

I said it once and I’ll say it again, the kid told me he was SEVENTEEN!!!

He was, like, totally hot, yo!

Wait! Jay Alternative? The Alternative of “J” is “K”… as in “Kennedy”, as in “Vincent Kennedy McMahon”! DO I NEED TO SPELL OUT THIS CONSIRACY, PEOPLE???

Wait! Jay Alternative?? The Alternative of “J” COULD ALSO be “JJ”… as in “Jeff Jarrett”… as in “Jerry Jarrett”… and doesn’t “Jay” rhyme with “TNA”? HOW CAN YOU DECENT PEOPLE ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO ME???

You know, I’m used to getting buttf*cked, BUT NOT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!!!

You know what the irony is? Here I am getting blackballed and I’M NOT EVEN ATTRACTED TO BLACK BOYS!!!!!

In all fairness… I’m not 100% sure it was THE Rob Feinstein who answered my questions… I’m not even 10% sure. Or even .01% sure

The guy is having a bad year… I don’t need lawyers on MY ass.

And he isn’t exactly guilty of anything.

NEITHER AM I!! I had a moment of weakness… that’s all! Leave me alone. I’m harmless! And what 16 year old is up after 11 pm anyway? Gimmee a break!

Jeeze.

A LIVE MIC = DANGER

I DEFINITELY need more of these… lots more!

Nice mix ‘n match set of 15 this week… with a few cool extended promos tossed in for the hell of it! And #2 is one from XPW…. so I KNOW you probably never saw that one before!

01): And I’m very cognizant of what I’m doing, ladies and gentlemen. Before the end of that match, I defeated Bret the Hitman Hart 1, 2, 3. And as far as my standards, McMahon, my standards are higher than they ever have been in my life. My standards are too high for the plebeians in this world! You can’t live up to my standards! And I’ll fight for those standards! Society today is corrupt! Society today has teachers that help kids cheat on tests! They got principals that go driving around dressed like women! Do you think I want to be a member of that society? I’m appalled! I’m disgraced! To think…and you people…I used to love you! And you changed! You destroyed the world around you! And if you could live under my standards, we would have…a Utopian! A Perfect world! And I put the chicken wing on Bret the Hitman Hart for one reason. Because, when I did that, I had the opportunity to put it on each and every one of you people (long pause) plebeians! I’m not one of you anymore! I walk tall! I don’t have to cheat and I hope that each and every one of you felt the pain of the greatest hold in professional wrestling..the chicken wing! You know, when I came back, McMahon, I didn’t use the chicken wing because I wanted to make these people happy. Well, these people could drag anybody down. Because they’re not successful! They’re manipulators, and they manipulate themselves!– Bob Backlund: Raw ’94

02): My name is Preston Ascott the third. That’s ‘Ascott’ with TWO ‘t’s! I’m sick of you dirty Mexicans mispronouncing my name! It is not Ass-cock, it is Ascott! Learn how to speak English! This is America!– Preston Ascott III, XPW’s “Genocide”, April 27, 2002

03): You don’t know me well enough to be sticking anything up my ass!–Bubba Ray Dudley to the Acolytes: Raw ’99

04): Quite disturbing, isn’t it? Y’know, people are very passionate about things in their lives – some people are very passionate about religion; others about politics. It grieves me to say that there’s an alarming group of people that are passionate about Hulk Hogan. These so-called Hulkamaniacs – they’re the lowest form of the low, they’re quite pathetic; I mean, why would you worship a man, I mean, who ponces around like a fifty pence tart in these feather boas? It’s – it’s disgusting. It was bad enough eighteen years ago when Hulk – Hulk Hogan and his Hulkamaniacs were running wild, but now in the year 2002, it’s just quite sad. People buy this crap, you know – I mean, look at it. Look. I mean, they hang this on their walls. I mean, look, look, look, look at this, look, look, (puts cap on) ooh look at me, look at me, I’m a – I’m a Hulkamaniac, and I’ve got my silly little Hulk Hogan cup any my hat and my silly little doll and I look a complete bloody pillock! Why…I just don’t understand, it’s a travesty, that you people can’t respect and follow someone like myself. I wish I could say it was just you pathetic Americans, but it’s not – it’s a worldwide phenomenon. I mean, you could…I mean, worship someone like me, someone with pride and dignity. Someone who speaks the Queen’s English, someone who can finish a sentence without saying ‘brother’ at the end of it.– William Regal: Raw 2002

05): Does the tounge hanging out help his balance?– Roddy Piper on Jim Duggan

06): If the Gods could build me a ladder to the heavens, I’d climb up the ladder and drop a big elbow on the world.– Cactus Jack: WCW TV

7) If I pop one of them..if I take him in and stretch the goof, then I would be at war with the entire New World Order……and that’s going to wreck my golf game.– Larry Zbyszko

08): And Ric Flair, you don’t wanna be comin’ out talkin’ ’bout me, you need to be talkin’ ’bout everybody else – you don’t wanna be TALKIN’ ’bout the American Dream! Now you been for weeks not sayin’ nothin’ about Dusty Rhodes, that’s fine. I been able to drive my cars – MY Mercedes, MY Rolls Royces – my maids come in regularly every morning, jack. You don’t wanna be talkin’ about me on this SuperStation – when you do, you gon’ be gittin’ yo’self in a mess, and that mess is at the wrong address, because it belongs to Dusty Rhodes, the American Dream, and by the way – I heard him tellin’ all these ladies out here about Space Mountain – well I’ve talked to a few of ’em and I heard that they HAVE rode Space Mountain, but the RIDE…ain’t too long, daddy, you understand what I’m sayin’?– Dusty Rhodes: NWA TV ’83

09): People like Sunny are only good for one thing and they can’t show that on national TV. And a best friend of mine says she’s not any good at that either.– Triple H at the Slammy Awards: mid-90’s

10): $5,000 means nothing to me! I did about $5,000 worth of damage to that nose of his!! – Greg Valentine after being fined for attacking Ric Flair: Mid Atlantic region, ’70s

11): One of the classic confrontations in Wrestlemania four, ohh a big one at Trump Plaza in Atlantic City on March the 27 involved The Ultimate Warrior and The Mighty Hercules and I know promoters all over the country right now vying to sign that match. The Ultimate Warrior to meet this man, he’s Hercules…– Gene Okerlund

(Cut to Hercules and Bobby Heenan)

What is an Ultimate Warrior? Is it a guy that beats on his chest? Is it some punk that paints his face and pretends he’s a big strong powerful person? Or is he really powerful? You see we have to ask questions about you. This man’s powerful…– Heenan

Ultimate Warror, yes. This time when you step in the ring ask afew questions look at yourself in that mirror when your painting that paint on that you hide behind. Ask your self if you really want this beating. If you really want to be HURT THAT BAD!!!– Hercules

(Cut to The Ultimate Warrior)

AAAHHHH Hercules Nothing has been accomplished you know that as well as I. No water has been put on the fire, only bigger logs and bigger trees that me and you have the power to rip out of the ground or to send back to the forest and the flames, the flames of the fire Hercules that only me and you can put out or continue to make them rise Hercules we can turn it up or we can raise the heat up but either way Hercules you and I are the ones to deci-i-i-i-i-de.– The Ultimate Warrior’s retort WWF TV, ’88

The Warrior…. he’ll never realize just WHY he is so entertaining.

We’re done. Nothing else to see here. Oh no, you well-adjusted fans are just TOO FULL OF ESTEEM to pay attention to the Advice section… so you can log off now. Monday is the SummerSlam Mop-Up and I have no clue if it’ll be funny or not, it’ll just be as old school as a guy 5 years older than he was when he was doing Mop-Ups full time can get. No promises, other than it’ll be long and there will be trivia questions… lots of them…. or maybe one. Who knows.

GO, you bastards… go.. shoo.

This is Hyatte

Now, for the rest of you dysfunctional morons…

HYATTE’S GUIDE TO LIFE

I have 2 of them… these are the only two I have in my hard-drive. The lesson here is… DO NOT GET OPEN OFFICE! The shit will burn you harder than a co-ed from Florida.

The questions will be plain text, my answers in bold… how annoying this will be with the Pulse’s black/white layout remians to be seen…

Hyatte, I don’t know if this’ll get in in time for one last “Guide to Life,” but I’ve got something I’ve wanted to ask you and never gotten around to sending. If nothing else, it’ll be a break from all those “how do I talk to girls” questions.

In brief: I’m a temp. I don’t particularly like my job, but it generates cash income so that’s good. (I work in a big law firm, but my career interest is in theater.) I’ve worked at this one place for almost 1 1/2 years and have never gotten a raise – but I’ve never asked for one either. I’ve never worked anywhere long enough to get a raise where raises weren’t automatic based on number of hours worked or something.

I realize I need to talk to my agency, not the place I work. My boss-person at the place where I work tells me I should ask for a raise. The one other person I know who works the same plaice I do for the same agency has been here for about a year longer than I have. He makes 75 cents more an hour than I do, but he’s never had a raise since he started here either – and he’s never asked; on the other hand (again) he got a raise from his last temp job to this one when he started.

All that being said, since I have no experience I turn to you: how do I ask for a raise?

You know, bosses can tell when you’re gearing up to ask the big question. They have that sense, at least the good ones do. So, when your boss starts bitching at you for little mistakes here and there, you KNOW he’s just pre-emptively c-blocking you from gathering the balls to ask.

How do you get along with your boss? He might be a cool guy who respects hard workers. If you just ask him up front, he might just say yes!

But it usually doesn’t work like that. The best you can hope for, most of the time, is the old “Ask again in a couple of months” blow off answer. That’ll give you hope and him excuses to point out how you don’t deserve it.

What you need to do is have a back-up plan. What are you going to do? March in and ask for a cost of living bump? He says no, then what? You slink back to your desk and weep like a bitch.

Prepare! Go interview for similar jobs that pays the samne as your current one, or slightly more. If you land one, THEN go into your bosses office and say, “Mr. Scrooge, I got this job offer from so and so that has a better upfront salary. However, I really enjoy it here. Is there anyway you can match what they are offering so I can tell them to screw? He’ll either say yes or he’ll say adios. It’s a bluff, only you’re bluffing with a decent hand. Go in there with NO back-up and you’re trying to get him to drop his boat with three of a kind. Have a real back-up and suddenly, you’ve got a flush. It can’t beat his boat but he might think you’re holding four eights and just cave on that extra dollar an hour.

Hey Hyatte, I have been reading you and several writers at 411mania for an awhile now and this is only the second time I have written one of you. I always read your life advice and ask why on earth everyone feels the need to tell you that they read your columns, now that I am doing it I realize that it is about the only way to politely start an email to someone you’ve never talked to before. Alas enough on random stranger etiquette. I am 90% sure I know the answer to my question but its one of those things where it’s nice to get reaffirmed.

So here’s the deal: I know a girl who has been crazy about me for about 10 years and I was not interested back. About 2 1/2 years ago I went through a nasty break up and decided it was time to get to know me because I had spent so much energy making as many people like me as I could for as long as I could remember.

So for 2 1/2 years I did not date, kiss or do anything else along the lines of male/female intimacy with anyone. A rough stretch you would think but I really mentally just had no desire to do so. So about 2 months ago this girl I was talking about suddenly plants one on me at a party one night and it was like a part of my brain that had been disengaged for the past 2 years suddenly clicked back on. In my head it was: Hey we can have some fun nothing serious even thought I knew she was way into me. So fun we had. The problem is 2 months have gone by and I look at things the same way as I did 2 months ago…hey haven’t been sexually active in a while good to get going again…but there is no emotional attachment for me.

Now she is pulling typical girlfriend type stuff you know calling all the time assuming my days off are there for me to spend time with her, she has pulled out the L bomb a couple times which is what sent the red flag waiving something fierce, and I am just having a good time. I am not getting tired of her or anything which is odd cause no other relationship besides the one that sent me on my 2 year dry spell has lasted more than two months cause I do get tired of people and even the long one was more of an one again off again deal so while it lasted years overall there were breaks.

What makes this even worse in my head and makes me feel like a Grade A A$$hole is that I am her first and I knew it I was and did it anyway even knowing I had no emotional attachment. So my question is this, do I continue having a good time knowing she is looking for WAY more than I am, or do I walk away knowing that she wants more from me than I am willing to give?

Morally Confused,

Phatpatt

Are you SURE you’ll never get feelings for her? It may be worth hanging around, just to see if something finally clicks.

I DO admire your morals. You have a heart and don’t want to hurt the girl too badly. That’s nice of ya’. Lots of guys would just string her along.

Consider this: if you are her first real love, then you are providing her with a VITAL service. You will be the first one show show her what a broken heart feels like. Yeah, it sucks, but SOMEONE has to do it. It’ll help her develop and grow. We ALL had to go through it.

But that might be too much responsibility for you. Who wants to be the asshole who breaks someone’s heart? So, here’s a unique, crazy plan… start acting like an asshole now. Treat her like shit a bit. Nothing physical, but start showing her your worst aspects. Be annoying, be irritating, fart in her face when she’s rimming you a few times. Return her phone calls a day later. Forget to flush, forget to leave the seat down, leave razor stubble in your sink. Be a slob. be a GUY.

You made her fall in love with you (and did you REALLY, or does she just THINK it’s love because she’s never felt this way towards a guy before? See if you can’t make her fall OUT of love with you… make her break up with YOU.

It sounds crazy, but it might just work! And, you get off scott free!

And now, the well is dry!

Everything I said up top is applied here. Monday is Summerslam and I’ll do a Mop-Up and have trivia questions and you can win a grand and you will want to blow me if you win!

Next Thursday… I dunno… I never know what I’ll do a week from now. Usually, I don’t know what will be in ANY edition of the Midnight News until sometime after 1 am that day. So why do I call it the Midnight News? Well, why does Keller call his rag “The Torch”? He isn’t BURNING anything! Why does Scherer call it the PW Insider? The only thing inside P and W is Q, R, S, T, U, and V… HARDLY woth naming a site after! Why does Scaia call his site the Online Onslaught? What is he onslaughting? NOTHING!!!

Why do we call this site the Inside Pulse? Because 411This doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue!

Yeah, I’m done.

This is Hyatte