InsidePULSE’s WWE Smackdown Report

Widro: if youd like
Widro: it would be super fantastic
PulseMM: i’m NOT doing play by play
PulseMM: i’m writing a f*cking FRIDAY DAILY PULSE!
Widro: just quick rundown of entrance/keymoment/finish is plenty
PulseMM: but I’ll do you a favor so you can get high and eat whitecastles
Widro: i will be back tonight late for more work!

You heard the man! That’s Widro – my BOSS – and I’m Matthew Michael… Welcome to Smackdown, taped live from Detroit, Michigan, home of… Michael Moore or Rhyno or Brian J. Blottie or someone.

Woo!

JBL comes out to open the show, and he explains that not only is he not a midget, he’s also “not politically correct, bitches.” He’s not Bret Hart, Hulk Hogan, “the great HHH” or a number of others that The Undertaker, his opponent at SummerSlam, has beaten in the past… he’s the WWE Champion, and he’s not afraid. Oh, and thank you to his new Chief-of-Staff, Orlando Jordan!

Orlando’s sick of waiting for a break, for a hand-out, so he’s stepping up and using Sean Morley’s gimmick since it’s a sure-fire way to get a big push and become a superstar! JBL agrees, and announcse that tonight it’s Orlando Jordan vs. The Undertaker…

^^^^^

Spike Dudley, Cruiserweight Champion, vs. Paul London, Tag Team Champion (non-title match)
Storyline: Cole and Tazz wonder why Spike had a change of heart after refusing help from his brothers for so long, and comment on how he ordered Bubba and D-von to get the tables last week – something they’ve never seen before. This match is a warm-up – with Billy Kidman, D-von and Bubba at ringside – to the 6-man tag match at SummerSlam, and Rey Mysterio is not at the arena due to doctors’ orders.

Wrestling: Pretty even match, with London being sent to the outside early, and amazingly avoiding getting his ass kicked. Cool spot where Spike went to the top rope and came down to London’s raised boots. What? That’s not a cool spot, you say? People go to the top rope all the time to set up “no particular move” and hit boot, you say? Yeah, but at least SPIKE has a top-rope STOMP move that makes sense for him to go to there. Match ends after London misses an impressive-looking (for a miss) 450 Splash, and Spike rolls him up. Beat-down ensues.
Winner – Spike Dudley

Entertainment: Fun, quick match that clocked in at around 5 minutes, give or take, and did a good job keeping Spike’s new ruthless side over, and making the three cruisers look like underdogs going into the PPV.

^^^^^

Cole and Tazz explain the main event — a “Summer Games Relay match” between Team Cena (Cena, RVD, Haas) and Team Booker (Booker, Luther, Dupree), where opponents get tagged in after five-minute intervals, until one team gets a fall.

^^^^^

After a commercial break, including a Heidenreich promo, the Dudleyz bump into Scotty 2 Hotty, who accuses Spike of change. Spike didn’t change — “this is my home.” The only thing that’s changed about him is the CW Title, and he doesn’t need friends like him or Rey Myserio *SLAP* — whoa. That’s how Widro got me to write up this coverage. “What are you gonna do?! Nothing! Just like every… body… else.” (as Funaki, Moore, Doug and Danny Basham stand in the background… doing nothing…)

^^^^^

Kurt Angle goes into GM Long’s office — which has a nice pic of Dr. King and Mr. McMahon o nthe walls — to complain about not getting a cut of the merch sales on auction.wwe.com. Long tells him if you have complaints, go out into the ring and complain, if you’re man enough. Kurt’s worried about Eddie jumping him, but he’s man enough, so he gets tah steppin’.

^^^^^

Tazz sings Rush singing badly…

Ross and Lawler run down the RAW side of the SummerSlam card:

HHH vs. Eugene

Triple Threat IC Title Match: Edge vs. Batista vs. Chris Jericho

Till Death Do Us Part Match: Kane vs. Matt Hardy (man, I hope HBK’s kid is born before SummerSlam so he can run-in and save this… abortion of a match)

World Heavyweight Championship: Chris Benoit vs. Randy Orton

Cole and Tazz run down the SD side:

Eddie Guerrero vs. Kurt Angle

6-Man Tag: Rey Mysterio, Paul London and Billy Kidman vs. Bubba Ray, D-Von and Spike Dudley

Best of 5 Series for the Undisputed WWE United States Championship, Match 1: Booker T vs. John Cena

WWE Championship: JBL vs. The Undertaker

^^^^^

Torrie Wilson competes in “Women’s Springboard” complete with cannonball and lots of bouncing, losing her top, getting all 10s in a SummerSlam commercial.

^^^^^

Chavo Guerrero vs. Nunzio
Storylines: Uh. Is there a storyline reason for this match? The FBI has been working as babyfaces lately, and been pretty damn funny, but this match means nothing to me. If you watch Velocity and there IS a reason for this (outside of the winner moving “up the cruiserweight ranks”), let me know.

Wrestling: Not bad cruiserweight action, albeit short, with Nunzio winning with some Stamboli-ference after a gorybomb attempt.
Winner – Nunzio

Entertainment: Too short to tell, but quick and harmless.

^^^^^

Undertaker vs. Orlando Jordan
Storylines: This one’s rather simple. Orlando Jordan – who got a nice handshake from Biker Taker (and a “good job”) a year or so ago after he challenged John Cena, and lost – is now JBL’s lackey, trying to make a statement heading into the JBL/Taker SummerSlam title match. Good luck.

Wrestling: Starts off with Jordan TAKIN’ IT TO THE UNDERTAKER! “Under-seller” my ass! Oops. Choke-slam! Old-school! The stroke? LOW BLOW JORDAN! It’s gonna be an upset! But the low blow was with Jordan’s bad hand, previously slammed into the steps by Undertaker… wow, what psychology! Taker takes control after some O-ffense, and brings it outside, but Taker goes knee-first into the steps. Back in, and Taker takers over with a right, a flying lariat, splashes into the corner, and is about to lose… when JBL comes in, clothesline from hells Taker for the DQ ending and the proverbial upper hand. JBL celebrates, but Taker sits up and turns blue and smokey.
Winner – Undertaker by DQ

Entertainment: Fun match, which could have by all means been a squash, but allowed Jordan to get in some offense, while keeping a good pace, and ending with the champ happy one minute, scared shitless the next. Crowd doesn’t believe in Jordan, but you have to start somewhere.

^^^^^

Teddy Long comes out to the ring to pimp SummerSlam and introduce Kurt Angle for an in-ring interview. Eddie follows Kurt in a lowrider, wondering where (a) the wheelchair and (b) Luther are.

Eddie: Talk to my face
Kurt: Do you know how it feels to have everything taken away from you?
Eddie: Like when you screwed me out of my title in the cage match?
Kurt: You’re accusing ME of stealing? Well if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black. Wasn’t it you who stole my memorabilia?
Eddie: That was for charity!
Kurt: What about you winning with your foot on the ropes at WrestleMania, after faking an injury? I take it as a compliment, ’cause you know deep down inside you can’t beat me, you have to cheat to beat me.
Eddie: Oh, make no mistake about it holmes, I’ll do whatever it takes to win. I lie, I cheat, I steal, odelay! Maybe you’re right, maybe I can’t beat you without cheating, esse. But what if I can? That’s the question that burns inside of both of us, esse. As a matter of fact, that’s what I believe is behind all of your hiding – hiding behind the GM position, behind the fake injury, making my life a living hell, ’cause way deep down deep down inside(pulse) you don’t know if you can beat me, who the better wrestler is.

You get the point, right?

Eddie can’t wait to find out, neither can Teddy Long, and neither can the people… and frankly, neither can I! Great promo, and VERY good selling of the PPV match, which I wasn’t convinced about (outside of inring-work of course) before tonight’s episode.

Unfortunately, Teddy challenges their menhood with a handshake proposal, and they do so, and almost kiss, then get angry at Rush’s shitty rendition of “Summertime Blues.”

^^^^^

Big Show dives, polkadot shorts and all, and soaks the crowd (and actually looks in pretty good shape), in another SummerSlam commercial. Too bad he “quit” SD a few months ago.

^^^^^

Cole and Tazz explain the rules to the Summer Games Relay Match:

1. One fall to finish
2. RVD vs. Booker T will be the first five minute period
3. If there is no winner in the first period the team who on the coin toss will relay a member of his team (Team Booker T won the untelevised coin toss)

etc.

Team Cena is introduced first, with Miss Jackie accompanying Charlie, and Cena raps about how Booker’s team would rather have a three-way than a relay; how Mr. Thursday Night flies high with five stars getting higher than a kite; Charlie Haas, to no one’s surprise is on the team ’cause of Jackie and her real big eyes; etc. (NO POOPY RAPS! YAY!)

Team Cena vs. Team Booker – Summer Games Relay Match
Storylines: This is actually pretty easy. All competitors are contenders for the US Title, except maybe Haas, although he’s on the cusp. Plus, Haas and Luther, Booker and Cena, and RVD and Dupree have been feuding for over a month now on both SD and Velocity… and Booker and RVD are former buddies/RAW World Tag Champs. Oh, and the “Summer Games” connection is pretty obvious, I’d think.

Wrestling: Match starts with about a half-hour left in the broadcast, and RVD going against Booker T, with a five-minute time limit. Decent action with typical spots for both men, and things speeding up with 1:00 left in the round. Five-star frog splash with 10 seconds left, and — yet again — the splash hurt RVD more than it hurt his competitor. TIME’S UP and Luther’s in, going on the attack vs. RVD, as they go to commercial… and come back with a minute left, and RVD on the comeback! Time runs out and RVD is replacd by Charlie Haas, who works the knee with a vengeance. Luther comes back and hooks Haas into a camel-clutch-with-a-knee-in-the-back type move as we go to commercial… and when we come back, there’s 2:30 on the clock with Haas and Dupree in the ring. Tazz and Cole argue about making mistakes on national TV, etc., and I scream at Cole for OOOH a series of supli by Haas, but Dupree’s a French STALLION, and hooks Haas into an STF after a Booker T Belt Shot, but Haas won’t tap! 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-CENA! But a couple of minutes go buy, and Dupree locks in the pure camel clutch, but Cena gets out of it at 2:20 left in the round. Choke hold by Dupree slows it down, but French Tickler at :46… Cena gets up and Five-Knuckle Shuffle adds two *s to match ratings all over the IWC. Series of reversals, and Rene hangs on to the top rope during an FU attempt as the clock ticks down and Booker enters the match! Booker’s the fresh man, and does the “you can’t see me” before a knee drop, into the chinlock on the tired ex-US Champ, but Cena makes a comeback and EEKS out a win over a shocked Booker! The faces clear the ring as the show ends and Cole and Tazz get in a final plug for the PPV.
Winner – Team Cena with Cena pin over Booker T

Entertainment: Very entertaining match, with a cool, new stipulation — and I didn’t think new stipulations were possible in WWE! (I kid!) I liked the flow of the match, despite commercials of course, and I think it did a lot to keep people strong without jobbing any of the, let’s face it, very fragile Smackdown Midcard. Plus, it ended on a high note and sold the PPV, so it did the trick.

^^^^^

Intangibles: Overall, the wrestling was above-average, the storylines made sense, and the non-in-ring segments didn’t take away from the show, which is a good thing. In fact, the promos and vignettes actually fit INTO the storylines, were entertaining, and pushed the Pay Per View, which was this show’s ultimate goal (and in my opinion, it did better than RAW, for the most part). Now it’s up to Sunday night to deliever….

Read more of Matthew Michael’s wrestling commentary at TWB, and don’t forget to check out the Smackdown Short Form from Eric S. tomorrow afternoon, ONLY on InsidePulse!