The Weekend Pulse: The Ross Report 14th August 2004

The music channels in the UK seem to be having Anastacia day, so Iâ??m going to pass on it, settle down with the first song that comes on my PC jukebox and bash something out here. Letâ??s seeâ?¦ Road to Hell by Chris Rea? Thatâ??ll do, pig. Thatâ??ll do.

Newsbit: Michaels potentially to show at SummerSlam:

Word has it that Shawn Michaelsâ?? woman dropped their second sprog this last week. Less of rumour is that they decided to call it Shawn Vince Hunter Kev Hickenbottom. Either way, many of the boneheads on the internet have decided that, since heâ??s a Dad over again and was there for the birth, Michaels has now fulfilled his duty as a husband, so he might be able to show up at SummerSlam and interfere in the Kane/Hardy match. At the risk of making myself look like an utter berk, what a load of toss this is. If Iâ??d just had a kid in the last fortnight, Iâ??d be right there by my wifeâ??s side, making sure all was well. I wouldnâ??t be going â??yay, itâ??s out, Iâ??ve got a plane to catchâ??.

People are so stupid.

Van Halen!!!! YES!!!

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CAN *YOU* HANDLE THE TRUTH?

Anyone who voted for Nadia to win Big Brother 5 in the UK is a f*cking bender â?? FACT.

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Newsbit: Matt Hardy to go under the knife:

Aside from throwing a wobbler about some writings made by some shitty writer over the last week, Hardy is looking set to be out of action for somewhere between 6 to 8 months due to some rather unpleasing leg injuries, the least of which is an apparently dissolved ACL. Write as he may about being in the best position of his singles career, I tend to disagree â?? being a feud where he is not even a sporting underdog AND about to disappear from the screen for the better part of a year is not a promising spot to be in. It wouldnâ??t be so bad if heâ??d had exposure for the last year, but he wasnâ??t even at WrestleMania XX (may I point out that he was the only player of a decent rep on the main roster to not be put on the card). He also didnâ??t rate in Iain and my top 50 this year â?? after finishing FIFTH in 2002/2003. Stick â??em all together and youâ??ve got a guy who has dropped a long way. Donâ??t get me wrong, I think Matt is great and Iâ??d love to see him get the respect he deserves. Iâ??d far prefer to see him in the main event than Randy the Wonder Dog.

What to do with Matt Hardy now? It looks like theyâ??re going to have Kane absolutely twat him at SummerSlam, which is the complete wrong move. The right move? Keep reading and check out my SummerSlam thoughts.

True Faith by New Order? Why the smeg not?

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PAUSE FOR THOUGHT

Ric Flair reports that he was party to seeing Andre the Giant down 107 beers in a 7 hour period. That works out at about 15 beers an hour. If *I* have 15 beers in an evening, Iâ??ll probably die. Size different aside, Iâ??m still alive and Andre is dead â?? Williams 1, Russimoff 0. Itâ??s all about knowing your limits, people.

Ah, Teardrop by Massive Attackâ?¦ donâ??t mind if I do.

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SUMMERSLAM PREVIEW:

Right then, here are some thoughts about SummerSlam. Sorry to harp on about this wrestling lark and not spend my whole article banging on about things of no relevance. Iâ??ll do better next week.

JBL vs The Undertaker:

Should win: JBL

Will win: JBL

Comments: I canâ??t say I think this match will be brilliant, but JBL has become a fast favourite of mine, so Iâ??m totally backing him. A â??Taker win helps nobody and makes no sense. Also, his chokeslamming the midget a week ago killed the crowd. People MUST learn that the midget is ALWAYS the face, itâ??s the Oompa Loompa Rule.

IAIN BURNSIDE SPEAKS: ORLANDO JORDAN! SUCH A TROOPER! MAIN EVENT PUSH! LITTLE JOHNNY! SEICH HEIL HEIDENREICH! WORLD TITLE MID CARD PURGATORY! BUSH LEAGUES! JEFF HARDY! MONTY BROWN! FASTER PUSSYCAT, POUNCE, POUNCE! JAYDOG! I’m tired.

Eddie Guerrero vs Kurt Angle

Should win: Eddie Guerrero

Will win: Eddie Guerrero

Comments: You know, as much as they vaunt this as a big deal, I find myself underwhelmed. This should have been Angle vs Cena, where someone would stand to gain from the match. As it stands, I find myself lukewarm towards Guerrero for the first time in about 18 months and Angle just doesnâ??t do it for me right now. Back up there, Iâ??ve got some things to say about Eddie Guerrero. To the sound of Prefab Sprout no less.

Eddie, please donâ??t give up â?? youâ??ve had a stellar couple of years, donâ??t throw it all away. Your last month on Smackdown has smacked of a guy who has given up. Youâ??re unshaven, youâ??re shabby and youâ??re not putting any effort or enthusiasm into your work. Itâ??s obvious that you blame yourself for the drop in Smackdown ratings even though nobody else does. Not being the champion is bothering you. Youâ??ve got to let go of this state of mind. You are STILL the most popular wrestler in the US. Donâ??t let the lack of World Title bother you. Donâ??t let the ratings affect you. Theyâ??ve dropped even further with JBL in the driver seat. Heck, the worst WWE ratings I can remember happened when Shawn Michaels was the top guy, but look at his legend status now! I give you an example â?? Bret Hart in 1993. He lost the World Title at WrestleMania IX and ended up winning King of the Ring, spent the Summer and Autumn working against Lawler, Doink and slowly building a feud with Owen Hart but he was so totally the man by Mania X that the original plan for Luger to be the World Champ had to be scrapped. Chin up, Eddie â?? get back on that horse and ride it.

IAIN BURNSIDE SPEAKS: Strange fact – this is the second year in a row Kurt has wrestled the same person at WM and SS. Strange fact – WrestleMania XIX was the last co-PPV to be headlined by Smackdown. Ever since then its been Raw. If Kurt wants to turn face he should team up with X-Pac. Sucking less suck by proxy is still less suck to be sucked by you. Suck. What?

Chris Benoit vs Randy Orton

Should win: Chris Benoit

Will win: Uncertain

Comments: Everyone and their Mother is predicting a victory for Orton here and Iâ??m going to stick my neck out and tentatively say that Benoit is going to bring it home. I suspect the WWE of having tried to play the IWC. Orton is clearly not in the same league at Benoit. I genuinely believe that the mark will be going into SummerSlam thinking that Benoit will absolutely waste Orton. So, the WWE puts the word out to all of us Smarks that Orton will be bagging the big one at the August show. After all, they all saw â??Mania and know how much the Smark audience can affect things following the Lesnar/Grizzly Bill party. Leaking a dead-cert Orton win in advance the way they did will get us all telling the marks that Orton has a chance. As a nice twist to everything, they have Benoit keep the belt.

Donâ??t get me wrong, Orton WILL hold the belt (sadly). Heâ??ll hold it before year end. But not yet, my friends â?? not yet.

Unless heâ??s given Vince a REALLY good hummer.

IAIN BURNSIDE SPEAKS: If Chris Benoit is for real then why did the machines not destroy Zion at the end of Revolutions? And what was up with that little Indian girl? And did Oracle 1 die because she revealed the deadly secret ingredients of the Architect’s fried chicken? Orton knows the secret ingredients but he has found a way to make them undeadly because he is TOO FUCKING COOL AND WILL WIN THE TITLE AND ROSS IS UNHAPPY ABOUT THIS AND I AM NOT BECAUSE I AM MORE CONCERNED ABOUT THE WHEREABOUTS OF MY CAPS LOCk key oh there you go, nevermind.

Triple H vs Eugene

Should win: Triple H

Will win: Eugene

Comments: Yeah, Iâ??m not interested in this one. Thereâ??s no good that can come of it, the fun has been in William Regalâ??s performance. Iâ??d personally prefer 20 minutes of Regal mouthing off this Sunday. Instead we have to watch and wait for them to decide when to pull the trigger on Eugeneâ??s heel turn and it seems to not be coming any time soon. I worry about Dinsmoreâ??s career the more this Eugene thing is drawn out.

IAIN BURNSIDE SPEAKS: I think Eugene has jumped several sharks now, plus there is no way to turn him heel properly without invalidating all H’s hard work, but at least Regal is kicking more ass than he has done in a while. But let’s just kill Eugene for his own sake now. H wins with help from a surprise run in by The Rock, who turns heel and boots H out of Evolution and takes it over, only to job to the returning Ultimate Warrior, who looks in the mirror and cries, and is then defeating by Rhyno, who takes off his mask to reveal that is was actually the Riddler all along. Hush sucked.

Paul London/Kidman/Mysterio vs The Dudley Clan

Should win: London/Mysterio/Kidman

Will win: The Dudley Clan

Comments: I find myself liking Paul London. I like Mysterio. Iâ??m ambivalent to Kidman. Seeing Spike as a heel doesnâ??t feel right. I still contend that we should feed D-Von 10 quadruple espressos before his match and see what happens.

IAIN BURNSIDE SPEAKS: I had an idea for this one. If the Dudleys win then Bubba and D-Von get the tag titles. If the Midgets win then Rey gets the CW title. This would lead to a Double DQ and cause Dusty Rhodes to choke on Orton’s chicken. Rides up the crotch.

John Cena vs Booker T

Should win: Booker T

Will win: John Cena

Comments: Booker should win since itâ??ll increase Cenaâ??s need to win in the best of 5 series. Cena will win because they donâ??t know how to book. This sentiment is borne out by their having booked the OPENING bout of a best of 5 series at a Pay Per View! The FINAL should happen on PPV! Not the opener. Although being honest, I donâ??t think a shoddy wrestler and a wrestler who just doesnâ??t care any more should be having more than a quickie. Benoit vs Hunter in best of 5 is fine. Likewise Angle vs Guerrero. Iâ??m not unconvinced that f*cking Mo Mowlam is unpreferable to the Booker vs Cena best of 5 ideaâ?¦

IAIN BURNSIDE SPEAKS: I want to see Cena wrestling because I am a complete f*cking gimp with absolutely no desire to be entertained in the slightest. Ditto for Booker but add a racist tilt because I am a complete f*cking gimp. GIMP! Cena wins. Booker keeps the title after the entire series because Cena has to take his chin to Hollywood. Or at least the back alleyway they’re filming that shite. CHIN. GIMP. BORED.

Chris Jericho vs DAVE vs Blunt

Should win: DAVE

Will win: Edge

Comments: Edge is probably the big disappointment story of 2004. Jericho is great but heâ??s not IC title stuff, because itâ??s below him. As such, DAVE should bring it home and benefit from the belt because heâ??s FUCKING DAVE and heâ??s FUCKING GREAT. But theyâ??ll persist on the Edge with IC belt thing, send Jericho after new World Champ Orton to be a jobber and DAVE will wander around going GRRRRR which is great, but would be greater with the IC belt in tow.

IAIN BURNSIDE SPEAKS: Top 10 DAVE Poses:

01) The Goon
02) The Caterpillar
03) The Cactus
04) The Fluffy
05) The Berzerker
06) The Dan Castallenata
07) The Sopranos
08) The Brock
09) The Glorified Stuntman
10) The Monty Burns

Matt Hardy vs Kane

Should win: Kane

Will win: Kane

Comments: I have a feeling that theyâ??ll have Kane squish Matt and send him to hospital to conveniently coincide with his operations. What they *should* do is to have Hardy go mental, beat the shit out of Kane, leave him laying, point at Lita and THEN lay down to allow Kane to pin him. Result? Hardy as super heel, Kane gets the story line with Lita, Lita can hire some guy to take Hardy out and we all move on. If Kane truly is the spawn of Satan, why not have his sprog grow fast and Lita give birth in about a month? Then the kid can grow at like 10 times the normal rate and become a wrestler for the 2006/7 season?

No more beer for me, I feel.

IAIN BURNSIDE SPEAKS: Matt > 411. Kane > Matt. Matt > Lita. Kane > Lita.

DODGEBALL!!!!

Should win: WHO GIVES A TOSS?

Will win: WHO GIVES A TOSS?

Comments: Jeff Hardy enjoys caber tossing. He wrote a poem about it but we had legal issues with 411 that prevents him from â??expressingâ?? himself in my article. Perhaps next week, eh?

IAIN BURNSIDE SPEAKS: If you masturbate in public, can you just claim Parkinson’s?

Wouldnâ??t it be good? Only if itâ??s NIK KERSHAW babyâ?¦

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COMING TO A CINEMA NEAR YOUâ?¦

After consuming the entire cocaine market of the World, Tammy Sytch fervently invents a space ship and flies off into the unknown to get her hands on whatever she can snort. Upon arrival on the moon, she finds some form of dust that looks like it needs snorting. So she does. And it turns her blue. With extra ears. She soon crashed to earth and ties up with some oddbod lumpkin who takes her surfing but Tammy doesnâ??t care as long as she has her moonrockâ?¦ with a special guest appearance by Kona Crush in there somewhere as Peasant 3.

Andy Campellâ??s woman made a very wise move.

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Thatâ??s it. Iâ??ve got to go and pick my wife up from the station. Not sure I should have had those 5 beers, if I donâ??t write next Saturday, itâ??s because I died on the road. Cheerio!!!