The Saturday Swindle Sheet #56

Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by the Late Night with Conan O’Brien: The Best of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog DVD.

What’s with this country? I haven’t seen so many Bush-haters since Ricky Martin’s loft party”¦
—Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, to some guy in Quebec City

Buy it now.

Thanks for tuning in to my first column to be officially written for InsidePulse. It will be a completely different format that you were used to at 411mania, and by “a completely different format that you were used to at 411mania,” I mean, “with a black background.”


My defecting to InsidePulse was contingent on a package deal that included That_Bootleg_Guy as the Friday yin to my Saturday yang (Or is that yang to my yin? Which one is the black one, and can a substitute the white one for a brown one?). Aaron also looks like Ken Griffey Jr. with a case of gigantism. So does 50 Cent, except replace “Ken Griffey Jr.” with “the Hamburglar,” and “a case of gigantism” with “a large condom on his head.” Also included in the package deal was the inimitable Mathan Erhardt as a signing bonus, which may end up being the best inter-company deal since the Bulls traded Will Purdue to San Antonio for Dennis Rodman. Mathan tells a tale of his musical journey, which has inevitably found him at the point of liking Quasimoto and hating Lil Jon. I still owe Mathan an Al Green t-shirt, which may or may not make the transition from my file cabinet to the post office this week.

Blotto will usually be joined by D’Estroyer in their weekly debate piece, Opposing Elements, but this week featured Elliot Smilowitz in a supporting role. Next, Elliot Smilowitz will make an appearance at a McDonald’s in Hell’s Kitchen, although the eyewitness will be a very non-trustworthy midget who sees ghosts in the bathtub. You guessed it”¦ Frank Stallone.

Gloomchen is here every Tuesday, which is very awesome”¦ even more awesome than a bottle of Bacardi 151° in church. This week she expounds on a certain popular Styx song that is not “Come Sail Away”, “The Grand Illusion”, “Blue Collar Man”, “Babe”, or “Renegade.”

Our co-editor/Monday columnist, Jeremy Botter, kicked off the music section with his interlude to InsidePulse Music and the listing of our illustrious staff, which now includes TREVOR. Could a Minority Report reunion be in the works?


An L.A.-based paparazzo is suing Christina Aguilera after an altercation occurred outside of a swanky Hollywood nightclub in late May. Photographer David Keeler said that he had taken the singe’s picture whilst she was walking to her car with a bodyguard. After Aguilera had gotten into the car, the bodyguard returned and reportedly punched him and then spat on him. Aguilera’s management released a statement on Wednesday, which says, Christina has no reason to believe that such an incident did occur, nor did she witness such an incident. After all, she was really drunk, and was just looking forward to getting home so that she could sex up her boy toy, Jeff Fernandez. Hey, I’ll take drunk sex. Think about it, all the conventional rules usually go out the window after they’ve had a few drinks! wOOt!

Following up on a story from late last year, funk producer George Clinton pleaded no contest to misdemeanor charges of drug paraphernalia, in a hearing this past Wednesday. The musician received 200 hours of community service, along with two years of probation, and a $372 fine for court costs. An accompanying felony drug possession charge had been dropped prior to the hearing. He was arrested last December after being found near Tallahassee with crack and a pipe, and had actually pleaded not guilty in a hearing soon thereafter, saying that the police report had been inaccurate and that he had been unlawfully arrested. 50 Cent looks like an atomic dog.

Hilary Duff’s performance at Gwinett Arena in Atlanta was temporarily postponed after one of the venue’s overhead speakers caught on fire. The speaker apparently short-circuited halfway into the sixth song of Duff’s set and burst into flames. The show was stopped for nearly an hour while Duff’s crew (as well as some of the audience) took refuge as the fire department extinguished the fire. Nobody was hurt during the fire, and after it was put out, Duff continued the second half of her set, kicking it off with an excellent cover of “Once Bitten, Twice Shy.” Boy oh boy, am I going to Hell for that one”¦

After having suffered a stroke in June whilst promoting his latest solo album, The Kinks’ Dave Davies is said to have sustained partial paralysis on the right hand side of his body. However, according to the guitarist’s doctors, it is very possible that he can fully recover with the aid of physiotherapy. Davies’ spokesman told reporters that he “can still hold a guitar plectrum “¦ These small things mean a hell of a lot. They’re small but very important. As far this whole unfortunate situation, Dave blames Lil Jon, who he hears is responsible for everyone’s misfortune, and should be consequently frozen in a block of carbonite or beaten over the head with that stupid goblet that he always carries around.”

The Black Eyed Peas lost about $500,000 in recording equipment when their studio caught fire. The cause of the blaze was found to be candles that the band members had lit during their recording session, which they had forgotten to blow out afterwards. In an EXCLUSIVE interview, rapper Will.I.Am told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, “Guitars, drums, drum kits, keyboards, microphones, classic instruments that we’ve collected with our worldly travels are now destroyed, all because of some strawberry daiquiri-scented candles that got lit during the recording session. We all secretly blame the white chick.”

Snoop Dogg was served with papers for a $1 million lawsuit this past Wednesday following a performance in Virginia Beach. The plaintiff is a music promoter who claims that Snoop had tricked her into picking up some packages at a motel which ended up containing large amounts of marijuana. After being stopped by police, she was searched, handcuffed, and questioned at a nearby police station, claiming that she sustained psychological damage. The incident occurred back in 1997, but Snoop was just recently served because he rarely makes appearances in Virginia, and the concert on Wednesday was his first highly publicized appearance in several years.


Liam Howlett, the producer/mastermind behind The Prodigy, recently expressed his disdain for the band’s 2002 single, “Baby’s Got a Temper.” “It was a f*cking load of shit,” Howlett said. “I didn’t think it was shit at the time and I wanted to put something out to show people we were still around. I pulled on Keith [Flint] too much on that. Keit’s lyrics are very introverted and that’s not what we’re about. The Prodigy are about fist-in-the-air shit, real simple, but it was important because it showed me exactly where I shouldn’t go.”

A bunch of filthy hippies were told by Vermont State Police to turn their cars around on Friday while trying to get to the Phish farewell concert that starts Saturday. Heavy rains in the area produced a mass influx of mud, which made the roads virtually impassible to motorists. Any of the 70,000 ticket holders who were denied entry were offered refunds, but hundreds decided to try and walk the near 12 miles to get to the concert venue, occasionally stopping to play hacky sack or put more beeswax in their dreadlocks.

Amen drummer Luke Johnson has left the band, no replacement has yet been named.

My Chemical Romance has also had their drummer, Matt Pelissier, leave the band. Anybody who gives a shit shouldn’t. In related news, opening up for Face to Face will not make My Chemical Romance suck any less.

Randy Meisner, the former bassist for The Eagles, was admitted to Providence St. Josep’s Medical Center in Burbank last Friday after having experienced severe chest pains. He is said to be recovering well, and is no longer in pain. Doctors have not released the cause of the pains, but a Limp Bizkit CD was found in Meisne’s rec room.

A Gloria Estefan concert in Dallas was canceled this past Monday due to problems with the computer system which operates the special effects and other production for the show. Ticket holders in Dallas will be refunded. In a related story, 50 Cent looks like a kangaroo rat.

For her upcoming album, Britney Spears will cover Bobby Brown’s “My Prerogative.” Bobby Brown is said to be flattered by this, and reportedly beat Whitney Houston in an apparent act of joy.

There will be a new Broadway musical opening in December, having nothing to do with The Beach Boys but featuring their music. Good Vibrations will tell the story of “a group of small-town teenagers who come to Southern California,” and will more than likely feature multiple gay men. Sorry, Mitch”¦

Frank Black will release two different albums in the next year; the first of which will drop in fall, and is called, Frank Black Francis. It will feature demos recorded before the formation of Pixies, as well as new versions of classic Pixies tracks. The other album is a brand new solo effort by Black and will be released sometime next spring.

Some guy in Statesboro, Georgia, keeps getting calls from idiot fans trying to reach Alicia Keys. In her song, “Diary,” she mentions the number “489-4608,” which was her actual number when she lived in New York. The New York number, which is a 347 area code, is still active, and contains a pre-recorded message, which says, “50 Cent looks like you”¦ YOU”¦ you big loser.”


[EDITOR’S NOTE: When I decided to make the jump from 411mania to InsidePulse, my full intention was to take the Late Night Jukebox with me. Of course, having started my contributors’ queue back when I was still at 411mania, a large majority of the Jukeboxes that you will see for the next several weeks may feature writers that are still at 411mania. For those of them that still want to partake in this feature despite its departure, I will still run all of them.]

This week’s featured contributor is a resident of 411mania’s Movies Zone, Joe Reid“¦

When I think of the “late night jukebox” idea – that music that you throw on after a long night out – I find it brilliantly evocative. We all know that state of mind, and we all know the kind of music we’re talking about. Something that you can melt away into. Something that in your inebriated state you’ll want to sing along to a little bit and let the words have a little bit more meaning than they were intended to. These are those songs for me.

Lowest of the Low – “Black Monday”
We start out with my very favorite band in the world. And, no, this isn’t me being an esoteric phony. This is a band that’s semi-local that just happens to play the best music I’ve ever heard. Picking only one song was hard, but “Black Monday” has always been a standout of theirs, and it’s the one that has always provoked that reaction – that eyes-closed, deep sigh kind of reaction.

The Pogues – “Fairytale of New York”
First time I heard this song, someone sent it to me as an “Irish Christmas Carol.” I thought it was the funniest, most refreshing Christmas carol I’d ever heard. Then I put the puzzle pieces together, with goofy things like the actual title of the song, and I still thought it was one of the funniest, most refreshing songs I’d heard. The whole thing drips of the drunkard’s lament, but it’s more wistfully reminiscent than it is mournful. Plus, it’s got that unmistakably Irish lilt to it which could easily fool you into thinking it’s going to be St. Paddy’s Day all year round.

Sarah McLachlan – “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy”
“Fumbling Towards Ecstasy” – the album – is one of the most underrated of the last fifteen years, and Fumbling Towards Ecstasy – the song – is the unrecognized heart and soul of that album. Before Sarah became synonymous with words like “Lilith” and “Angel” and “Paula Cole,” she was something of a best-kept secret. This song brings me back to those days, even if it marked the end of them.

REM – “Nightswimming”
The piano in this song is maybe the most perfect mood setting piano I’ve ever heard. Gives me chills every time. And as much as you’d think a slower song like this would bring out the Mighty Stipe Whine, it’s actually one his more straightforward deliveries.

All-American Rejects – “The Last Song”
This one is the newest song on my list, but it burrowed its way into my heart very quickly. It’s that first line that grabs you. “This may be the last thing that I write for long.” It’s an anthem of doors closing and chapters ending. And it’s declarative instead of interrogative, if that makes sense. It’s matter-of-fact. Plus, it’s got a little strings interlude. Who doesn’t love a strings interlude?

Poe – “Hey Pretty”
I was introduced to this song while reading a book by Poe’s brother, Mark Danieliewski. There’s a backhanded kind of synergy between the two, and since the book – “House of Leaves” for those who are curious – was creeping me out at the time, this song had always given me shivers a little bit. It’s maybe the scariest come-on I’ve heard in music.

Ryan Adams – “Come Pick Me Up”
I’m don’t come by Ryan Adams as naturally as most of his fans. He’s okay, but just not up my alley. This song, however, is another story. The first time I ever heard it (being covered by the Lowest of the Low, incidentally), the one line just popped out at me. It’s this melodic little song of love lost, and then comes this “Fuck me up, Steal my records” line and it snaps your head to attention. Listening to Adams sing his own song, you can feel those words as they’re coming out of his mouth. He’s cutting to the quick. “Screw all my friends, they’re all full of shit.” It’s beautiful. Bitter, yet beautiful.

Tori Amos – “Tear in Your Hand”
I plead happily guilty. I’m a Tori fan. She touched a nerve somewhere in me way back when and she’s stuck with me ever since. “Tear in Your Hand” was off of her first album – my first exposure to Tori – and has always been my favorite. Like all of her best work, it’s ethereal and yet universal as well. We might not understand every metaphor, but we get the sentiment. Bonus? She name-drops Neil Gaiman.

Tragically Hip – “Nautical Disaster”
Canada’s finest brings what is, hands down, my favorite song about a sinking ship and not having enough rowboats for the survivors. Gordon Downie’s typical frantic vocalizations and pointed lyrics seem to stalk you. My favorite song from one of my favorite bands.

The Cure – “Lovesong”
Ahhh, 80s goth rock. Gotta love it. This has got such a cool vibe to it, unmistakably 80s in every way. It’s not exactly one of those songs I’d play while pining over loves lost, but I can see where other people would do just that.

Annie Lennox – “Why”
There is more soul in this song than in a lifetime of lesser, more typical crooners. Annie Lennox has one of the best voices in music, and it was cool to hear her going for something so outside her pop/synth Eurythmics roots.

Tom Waits – “Time”
Tom Waits is maybe the best lyricist I’ve ever come across. Case in point – this song, which doesn’t tell a story, or even make literal sense, but it conveys every emotion it shoots for, with some of the best turns of phrase I’ve had the pleasure to hear. Plus, the gravel-voiced delivery brushes it all with some local color, roughing up the rather beautful words.

Leonard Cohen – “Famous Blue Raincoat”
Yet another amazing lyricist, and yet another atypical singing voice. In more ways than one, it’s a great counterpart to “Time.” This song does tell a story, in fact the song has a very literary quality to it, like it was based upon one of those books you’d read in your Early 20th Century American Lit class. As a story goes, it’s compelling and universal. Moreover, it’s sung with a personal sense of nostalgia by Cohen, who sounds a bit like Dylan in his . . . well, his inability to sing. It’s still great, though.

Fiona Apple – “Shadowboxer”
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s a Fiona Apple song. It’s also f*cking amazing. Her voice smolders on through one of the better modern day torch songs. For a rather tiny little person, it’s amazing to hear her voice come from some deep places.

U2 – “Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses”
This is a personal selection, as it brings fairly distinct memories – the last days of college and all that. It’s got a great opening line (“you’re dangerous, cuz you’re honest”) and a great almost last line (“who’s gonna taste your saltwater kisses? who’s gonna take the place of me?”), and has managed to become my favorite U2 song out of a long list of contenders.

Ani Difranco – “Little Plastic Castle”
Ani Difranco has an amazing way with words, and since words are where I stake my own claim, it’s no surprise that she’d show up on my list. Plus, she’s a hometown girl, which earns her bonus points. I think we can all relate to the “in a coffee shop in a city which is every coffee shop in every city” sentiment, and she meanders on from there to hit some choice turns of phrase. My favorite could be the ridiculous new team uniform in a ridiculous new sport, but thankfully there’s lots to choose from.

In the course of writing this edition of the Late Night Jukebox, I seem to have gotten lost and wound up on the wrong website. I trust Jeff will point me back to the main highway so I can make my way home. It’s a nice place to visit, though. Thanks, Jeff.


The lovely Aisha Bell from EMI Music Marketing has some info pertaining to Janet Jackson rumor that’s been floating around out there”¦

I’ve received a few inquires on [the] rumor and thought it best to send a message to clarify any confusion that may exist. We are not re-issuing Damita Jo with 6 bonus tracks. We have the From Janet to Damita Jo DVD coming on 9/7. Apparently a music network out there miscommunicated this info.

Also, here’s some info on a few artists that EMI is promoting”¦

Unity “The Official Athens 2004 Olympic Games Album”
Macy Gray will perform her track from the
UNITY Olympics album on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno (Tonight Show‘s special Summer Outdoor Concert Series) on Thursday, August 12. The Olympics begin on Friday, August 13. Unity is available now and features an eclectic mix of top international artists hailing from 15 different countries. Contributors include: Lenny Kravitz, Sting, Destiny’s Child & Avril Lavigne.

Houston‘s It’s Already Written arrives in stores on August 10th. His single “I Like That” features Chingy, I-20 and Nate Dogg and is the #3 single in the country. Houston’s single has been part of a $50 million McDonald’s ad campaign, is a smash at three radio formats and currently #3 on BET.

Lenny Kravitz is the headliner on the NFL Kickoff Event on 9/09 in Boston. “California” will be featured during the NFL Kickoff Event. ESPN X-Games will use “California” in tv promos and televise the live performance on August 7th. Lenny Kravitz’s “Lady” will be featured in the Gap Commercial Campaign running from Mid-August through October.

Upcoming Key Releases:
8/10 Houston –
It’s Already Written, Richard Marx – My Own Best Enemy, Alice Cooper – A Fistful of Alice, Paul Thorn – Are You With Me?, Maze Featuring Frankie Beverly – Greatest Hits
8/17 Twelve Girls Band –
Eastern Energy
8/24 Finn Brothers –
Everyone is Here, Rolling Stones – Jump Back: The Best Of, Further Seems Forever – Hide Nothing, West Indian Girl – West Indian Girl, S.O.S Band – Greatest Hits, Alexander O’Neal – Greatest Hits


Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.


Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up in the CD carousel as I wrote this week’s column”¦

Berlin, “Sex (I’m a”¦)”
Violent Femmes, “Kiss Off”
Innerzone Orchestra, “Architecture”
The Smiths, “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now”
The Reverend Horton Heat, “Marijuana”
Stephen Malkmus, “Church on White”
Tosca, “Chocolate Elvis” (Boozoo Bajou Soul Sufferer Version)
Consolidated, “You Suck”
D’Angelo, “Feel Like Makin’ Love”
Golden Earring, “Twilight Zone”
White Zombie, “Black Sunshine”
At the Drive-In, “Invalid Litter Dept.”
Fugazi, “Rend It”
Cab Calloway, “Margie”
Nine Inch Nails, “Dead Souls”


Brian Teasley, a member of the 25-member cult-cum-band The Polyphonic Spree, inadvertently caused a bit of a rhubarb at Dallas Fort Worth-International Airport last Thursday when he brought a custom-made microphone into the building. Teasley, a percussionist for the band, was coming from a performance on a television taping of Austin City Limits, and was planning on doing some recording when he got to his home in Birmingham, Alabama. However, the suitcase got flagged by baggage screeners because of several wires and threading caps that were contained within the microphone. It caused the closing of five gates, as well as a bomb disposal robot being brought in. When he got to the airport in Birmingham, Teasley had thought that his case was misplaced by luggage handlers, and just filled out some paperwork with the airline. When he got home, though, he was greeted by federal agents who had no doubt figured out that Teasley was part of the cult known as The Polyphonic Spree, and that his bomb disguised as a microphone could had to potential to cause catastrophic damage that only the likes of Lil Jon could dream of causing. The Polyphonic Spree MUST BE STOPPED. Sorry, Elliot”¦

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for possibly Trevor Presiloski tomorrow. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’m easy like Sunday morning.