Junk News, Huzzah!

That wacky Steve Austin is back in the news again. He claims his his ex-girlfriend Tess Broussard was none too pleased when Austin tried to break off his relationship with her and end all legal actions with a 1.5 million dollar payoff so she tried to stab him with a steak knife. Instead Tess Broussard accidentally stabbed Austin’s body guard, who handcuffed her to a chair. Tess Broussard meanwhile claims that Austin was trying to set her up to make it appear as though she was crazy, suggesting that Austin’s body guard stabbed himself. So who is telling the truth, Tess Broussard or Steve Austin? Only time will tell.

In an article in the LA Times, Steve Austin said, “I’m not a rocket scientist. But I knew I had to get out of this relationship….The plan was to go out, have a nice steak, hand [Broussard] a check and get on with my life.” Yes Steve, dump a psycho chick at a steak house where they have steak knives. JESUS PEOPLE! For the last time, if you need to dump a chick and you’re hungry you take her out for lobster. She can’t do anything with that shell cracker and her tiny little fork.

Austin also commented that he felt like a pawn on a chessboard, too trusting and too nice, stuck in love with Broussard. Austin then chugged a beer, flipped double birds at the reporter and had himself a good long cry.

All of this clears the way for Austin’s new catch phrase, “Stone Cold 3:16 says I am but a pawn on the chessboard of life.”

Toronto reacted oddly to the wrestlers during Summerslam, at points booing the faces and cheering the heels. Perhaps oddest of all was when at the 8 minute mark of the Edge-Jericho-Batista match the crowd said in unity, “HA! WE’RE IRONIC, EH?”

The Undertaker was particularly upset that the crowd did the wave and chanted “Spanish Table” during his match with JBL. As a result of this the Undertaker ordered all Spanish tables destroyed. Demolition crews are on their way to Seattle.

Edge was upset that he was booed in his hometown. He said he couldn’t understand why his hometown hated him. He said this while on the phone with his wife who was in their home in Florida.

Hey Edge, this is from me and the guys. We don’t hate you Edge.

Vince McMahon has really taken a shine to his son-in-law Triple H. It has gotten to the point that the joke going around is that if Stephanie and Triple H got a divorce, Vince would really miss Stephanie. Stephanie laughed at this, accidentally grazing Triple H’s cock with her teeth. Triple H cursed but from behind the video camera Vince told him to calm down. What a family!

Bret Hart was in Toronto on Sunday, but reports are conflicting on whether he was there to meet with WWE officials or to soak up the city’s oil reserve in his hair.

WWE is very interested in releasing a best of Bret Hart DVD, but thus far the two sides cannot agree on terms. Meanwhile, Koko B. Ware has made it very clear that he is no longer holding out and WWE can released a DVD of his best matches and he also wants to know if you have any spare change? Pennies, whatever.

On Monday Night Raw, Diva contestant Carmella DeCesare was buried by the other contestants in a segment clearly designed to punish her for not competing in the Diva Dodgeball thingy. Carmella reacted with charm and grace to the comments of the other contestants saying, “Wrestling is retarded.”

Randy Orton has become the youngest WWE champion of all time! He’d like to thank his dad, his grandfather and the chinlock.

Triple H was the first guy to congratulate Randy Orton backstage at Summerslam, somehow managing to pull himself away from Vince’s cock for a few minutes.

Triple H was the first guy to congratulate Randy Orton backstage at Summerslam. In the process of rushing to the curtain he accidentally stepped on Chris Benoit.

Don’t you guys worry about Chris Benoit! He’ll be back on top in no time, feuding with Rhyno over a cup of coffee or something.

Evolution turned on Randy Orton on Monday Night, viciously beating the world champion after a faux celebration. On the same night, Edge hinted towards a heel turn by walking out while Jericho was getting killed and doing nothing. Could this signify a double switch? Does it matter? Isn’t it ridiculous that we get all worked up about this crap? Find out next week on Raw!

Congratulations to Nunzio on the birth of his beautiful baby boy or girl. I don’t know the sex, only that it’s half Samoan and his wife is pure Italian. Who knew Nunzio was part Samoan? I am so happy for him.

And where there is new life there must be new death. John Tenta, known as Earthquake in the WWF and the Shark in WCW, has been given 13-18 months to live due to cancer. He swears he’ll beat it. Now that I’m older and wiser I know he sucked, but back when I was a kid Earthquake entertained the hell out of me. Maybe it was that I loved his entrance during the push up contest, maybe it was that he killed Jake’s snake. Whatever it was, I just want to thank him for the years of entertainment and let him know that I’m rooting for him to beat this thing.

Hey Flea, anyone pick Tenta in the dead pool? Get that prize ready.

And Now For Something Serious.

It is time for a change in professional wrestling. I’m not talking about new wrestlers, I’m not talking about a six sided ring, I’m not even talking about a new fed rising up to compete against WWE. As far as I’m concerned, World Wrestling Entertainment is professional wrestling. I’m talking about the WWE changing the presentation of their shows. How do I know what change needs to be made? Why am I an expert? Because I am the 24 year old fan the WWE has to cater to.

I am the fan the WWF first hooked in the 1980’s as a child. When me and my friends hit puberty the WWF stopped being cool because it was still a show for children. The WWF refused to change as they lost us as viewers, probably figuring that a new generation of children would start watching. They didn’t. The WWF lost more and more viewers, and the few faithful who had stuck around for nostalgia’s sake deserted the WWF to watch their childhood heroes now in WCW.

The WWF realized that they were not getting any more new children and began appealing to me again during my late teens with shock tv. Boobs, beer and middle fingers replaced vitamins, prayers and pythons. Childish angles were replaced by backstage politics brought to the forefront. The censors were shivering whenever someone had a mike. It was an over the top office soap opera. It might not have been the most mature programming on the planet, but it appealed as cool as hell to me at the time.

But Springer stopped being cool and so did WWFE. Vince tried to recapture the magic by going over the top with the shock factor (gay marriage, HHH has sex with corpse). Just as when we hit puberty, we once again matured to the point that it wasn’t fun to watch wrestling anymore but Vince decided he’d win us back by giving us more of what we grew sick of. It did not work.

So Vince rolled out the nostalgia machine. Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, Ric Flair and The Undertaker from our childhoods. Shawn Michaels, Mick Foley and The Undertaker from our teenage years. Even Eric Bischoff and Paul Heyman and The Undertaker got high profile shots in case we were former ECW or WCW fans. Nostalgia works in small doses, but it can not be sustained as a money maker. Remembering the past is fine if we are reminded of it, not if we are forced to relive it. That is why DVDs of a wrestler’s greatest matches will sell but a two year tour of the same wrestler in new matches will not.

Vince McMahon has told the wrestlers not to expect any time off for awhile because they all have to work hard and every day to turn business around. That’s not true. They don’t have to work hard at all. What they need is a new central idea.

The demographic changed from children to teens when Stone Cold Steve Austin took over the show. Nudity and cursing replaced snakes and flags. Backstage politics were presented front and center as the main angles. It was the rebel worker versus the boss and his stable of evil of yes men. My God did Vince hammer this into the ground, so much so that it is still being presented today. Those angles still get us fans sort of on the side of the hero but they will not bring back the fans who stopped watching because it is the same story the already saw but repackaged. So enough with the evil GMs and bosses.

The soap opera stuff has to be scrapped too. I’m not talking about scrapping all of the storylines and plot twists, but you need to stop assuming that you’re writing for idiots. The time has come to turn to sitcom and tv drama writers. If you are trying to bring back the 1980’s children demographic into the fold, you need to appeal to males in their mid-twenties. Shock tv won’t work anymore and you have pretty much blown your nostalgia load. We are now at the age where we can’t just mindlessly accept drivel because it is all that is presented.

We won’t tell our friends they need to see the programs because of how cool some angle is. But if we can tell them the show as a whole is funny, it’s smart, it’s well written, we would do that. As much as I like Matt Hardy, I can’t see a single new viewer intrigued by a cheesy wedding between Kane and Lita. If Kane and Lita were in skits in which they were humorously reaching domestic compromise, I might tell my friends about that.

But I could be very wrong. And this report is very late. Enjoy.