The Midnight News 08.19.04

I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News Omega.

I’m tired and grouchy. So this will be a quick edition.

Off we go…

BUT, PLUGS

See, Widro didn’t hijack EVERYONE from the old place.

There are still PLENTY of slots available for any ambitious writer looking to join this all-star, hellzapoppin’ site.

And, maybe, juuuust maybe the Mighty Hyatte will have a few precious moments of free time and give your submission a looksee.

Take away the “Mighty Hyatte” part and replace it with “Scott Keith” and that too.

You’ve got nothing to lose except your self-esteem.

WHO WROTE THIS CRAP?

This SERIOUSLY needs pointing out…

The following recap is of the last few minutes of Raw:

Orton’s hand remained raised. It started to shake. Canada’s brightest son was about to become Raw’s heavyweight champion again. The building was just inches away from shaking itself into dust. The camera had a money shot on both men: Benoit on top with a mask of strained agony on his face as he pulled back, Orton on the bottom, his face concealed by Benoit’s arms, his one free hand, about to come down for the first time in his career.

No one could take their eyes off the match until Evolution charged in. Benoit had to release the hold and knock Batista, Flair, and HHH off. Orton got up and nailed the RKO. He got the three count and retained his title. Benoit was picked up, thrown out of the ring, then thrown into the steel steps by Batista.

Orton stood triumphant in the ring and celebrated with his team until HHH directed a massive surprise beatdown. The final shot of the night was Evolution standing triumphant over Orton. All three had a sick smile on their faces. Chris Benoit was all but forgotten.

Hmm… am I crazy or does all this SOUND FAMILIAR??

Goldberg’s hand remained raised. It started to shake. Canada’s brightest son was about to become Raw’s heavyweight champion. The building was just inches away from shaking itself into dust. The camera had a money shot on both men: Benoit on top with a mask of strained agony on his face as he pulled back, Goldberg on the bottom, his face concealed by Benoit’s arms, his one free hand, about to come down for the first time in his career.

The audience was so riveted that they didn’t see him show up until he entered the ring and dropped an elbow on Benoit, forcing him to break the Crossface. Benoit was picked up and tossed out of the ring.

Then Kevin Nash picked up Goldberg, put his head between his legs, gave the Wolfpack sign to the audience, and Jackknife Powerbombed Goldberg hard to the mat. He laughed at the boos and did it again, this time looking directly into the camera as he did it.

The final shot of the night was of Kevin Nash, standing triumphant over Golberg with a sick smile on his face. Jim Ross shouted: “KEVIN NASH HAS THROWN DOWN THE GAUNTLET TO GOLDBERG!!! DAMN HIM, DAMN HIM ALL TO HELL!!!” Chris Benoit was all but forgotten.

A-HEM!!!

But no one reads me… oh no… no one. Uh uh… not a chance.

This is why I get to make fun of all the other web writers… and even scary-ass MELTZER with his 29 thousand connections.

Assholes… yeah, YOU!

IN-DEPTH SMACKDOWN AND TNA REPORT

Smackdown featured what might be the single longest JBL/Orlando Jones/UT promo/angle in the history of the show, and certainly the longest in Bradshaw’s career. Chances are they will cut it to a more reasonable length

And color me CWAZY, but while he probably isn’t going to fill a single seat as champion, JBL has made himself into a solid, entertaining maybe even main event level heel.

And who is that big mothafukk who’s making his return? With him back and Angle looking good and playing it safe, the show is one big name away from being not-so boring anymore! I say, Bring Back BENOIT! He had his championship run, now let him scuttle back to hang with his friends and let Orton, HBK, and Jericho be the top Raw faces.

The worst kept secret in the bizness is how TNA will be dropping the weekly PPV horror-show and banking it ALL on a 3 in the afternoon Friday slot on Fox Sports. They DO plan on telling the wrestlers… eventually…. meanwhile Jeff Jarrett is backstage screaming, “DON’T LISTEN TO THE NET, LISTEN TO ME!! WE AIN’T GOIN’ NOWHERE!!” And Bob Ryder is right there backing him up with, “Yeah!! The Net don’t know SHEEIT!

So what I’m trying to say is… I’m writing this on Tuesday night and I STILL know that the TNA WEDNESDAY PPV sucked.

Update: TNA just made it official. Where will YOU be on Friday afternoon at three? Well, hopefully working so you can afford the new monthly PPV…. which you won’t be interested is seeing bewcause you never watch Impact because you’re working. The damn company just created a sweet little vicious circle for itself!

Let’s hope they get a Monday night timeslot… because Jarrett CAN take down Vince once and for all!!

Back to Smackdown, let’s see who beat whom to the punch…

TUESDAY August 17, 2004: 11:42 PM: Master Joel Bates (HEH HEH HEH HEH!!) delivers the FIRST spoiler update to none other than THE TORCH!!

TUESDAY August 17, 2004: (no time given): Ashish promptly steals the results from the Torch and posts it on 411. Keller should just get on his knees and SUCKLE Ashish’s HELMET for being nice enough to credit him.

WEDNESDAY August 18, 2004: 1:03 AM: Kyle Downing pulls Scherer’s fat ass out of the fire by sending results to PW Insider

WEDNESDAY August 18, 2004: 1:24 AM: It took two guys – Joel Ingram and Devin Cutting – to keep Meltzer from doing the UNTHINKABLE and stealing the results form Scherer and co. Oh, what am I saying? Meltzer could just call Vince himself for the results!

1wrestling.com? Doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Smackdown… no spoilers. Joey Styles personally told me to tell you people to “go f*ck yourselves”

Inside Pulse. No spoilers as of this writing. Hey, Widro needs to sleep SOMETIMES, damn you!

ON A TENTATIVE SCHEDULE

He isn’t a fish, fish don’t get lung cancer.

John Tenta has announced that he’s been given at best, a year and a half to live. He’s got tumors and lymph nodes and, just because God is a vindictive sumbitch, STILL no hair on his head.

Poor guy, My heart goes out to his family. Did he have a wife? If he did, heart goes out to her too. Children? Them too.

No, really. I’m not gonna lay out some empty platitudes. Death is what it is. The guy didn’t exactly take care of himself. I hear he smoked like a chimney too and his version of health food was eating the creamy inside of an oreo and tossing out the cookie.

Here, personal message to Golga. Take your remaining time and eat, smoke, bang, travel, fart around, ride a chopper. Just have FUN. Scratch your balls in public. Fart in church. Skip out on the bartab. Find Vince McMahon and japsmack him for every one of your buddies he’s f-ed over.

But one thing is bugging me… why, in the name of all that is HOLY, is he making these announcements on WRESTLECRAP??? The HELL? Make them on the Inside Pulse forums. We can use the rub.

Fare thee well – you clown prince of bellysplashes.

AUSTIN CITY FIGHTS

I don’t want to get into the Austin situation until more of the story comes out.

However… in case you didn’t know, the emotionally STABLE Miss Tess Broussard’s resume looks a little like this:

Carnal Confessions (Diana), Wicked Temptations (Mary), Sinful Temptations (Karyn), Survivors Exposed (Dallas ), Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise (Beautiful Girl), Hollywood Sins (Debbie), aka Love’s Hidden Talent (Asia), Luck of the Draw (Zippo’s Boudoir Girl), Secret Agent 420 (some naked broad) and of course Andromina: The Pleasure Planet (Trina).

Not exactly a Julia Roberts-level resume… but it ain’t exactly something Steve (Jake Cage) Austin, who once spent a two hour show beating up Booker T in a supermarket can scoff at!

I believe this, this, and this is is the girl who isn’t getting dumped without a gosh darn FIGHT. (Generally safe for all ages)

And I believe this, this, and this is Tess Broussard in “action”. (if you have bosses or parents or underage kids around you right now, you’d best save this for when you’re alone.)

With fake knockers like those, I ain’t sure she should be playing with knives, yo.

Oh, and didn’t we see this movie a few years ago? The Phil Hartman Story?

Since when does Austin like Asian chicks?

I’d do her… but Jesus, the way I carry on it’s rather obvious I’d do any hole that’s at least room temperature

Oh, and if any of those pics look familar its because Josh Grut linked them first.…. oh well, this is what happens when you have a limited pool of news to swim in
.

AN ATTACK FROM THE MCMAC

Not only did He show up… but He handed in a good sized segment!

I KNOW THIS IS NOT ENTIRELY PLAUSIBLE! I KNOW THIS REEKS OF SCAMNATION! I KNOW the Man has a million other things to do and I’m just a poor sap for falling for this… but I’m telling you, it’s HIM!

Yes… Vincent Kennedy McMahon contributes to the Midnight News. Is this SO unbelievable??

Well guess what, he talks about just how unbelievable it is… and also turns it into a little look into the WWE Creative process, gives yours truly some mind blowing praise, and slams a few big name in the world of Dirt Sheets. It’s really AMAZING.

AN ATTACK FROM THE MCMAC

Finger on the Pulse

Greetings my little piggy banks,

Well, of course I would eventually follow Mr. Hyatte to this new internet web page. Why wouldn’t I? As I have said repeatedly already, the irony of having THE Vince McMahon here and willing to entertain some interaction with you – my loudest yet most insipid critics – under circumstances so abhorrent that you refuse to even consider them as authentic, is much too delicious to pass up.

I have told Mr. Hyatte in private (as with all weak men, he is easily coddled with a few bare strokes to his ego), and now repeated for your consumption, his “act” as it were, serves as a suitable tonic to the heavy-handed, journalistically tragic, astoundingly sophomoric scribbling that passes for internet (and dirt sheet) reporting. As crude as he is, Mr. Hyatte understands what these allegedly grown men do not. He gets it. Yet no one can bring themselves to even consider that Vince McMahon would appreciate this enough to contribute to his work.

Why? Because Dave Meltzer didn’t authorize it? Children, let me assure you with a profound confidence that the sum total of what Dave Meltzer does not know – in regards to my business which he has “covered” for over twenty years now – could fill an entire ocean readily. For years, Mr. Meltzer has been akin to a dazed squirrel hiding in my bushes, hopelessly trying to peak into the window of my world without getting caught. I wonder if it has occured to him that perhaps I have watched him attempt to monitor me, and have amused myself by feeding him the occasional peanut of a story, perhaps one of his fantastically more absurd stories that he has seen fit to print in his spell-check deficient news rag. I sometimes wonder if he is aware that Triple H isn’t the only one who is the master at playing games.

But enough about the California Gym Rat and his ilk (the rest of whom are too far below my esteem to even mention). The only fact that is of any importance is two-fold: that I am here and that you refuse to believe it as truth. And you wonder why our storylines must unfold with the bluntness of a sledgehammer to the grapefruits. You soggy orangutans refuse to respond to sublety.

Frankly, your idiocy makes our job that much easier. I have lost count of the number of times one of my writers has confessed to me just how lucky they have it here in the WWE. Now naturally, I demand them to put in hours that would make a auto dealer weep, but the people I hire come from a world where they are asked to craft layered, nuanced, slow-building serialized storylines for soap operas. With me – and catering to an audience filled with slack-jawed, intellectually cancerous knuckle-draggers – all the layers, all the nuance, hell, the entire process of snowball storytelling is thrown out of the window. Your eyes tend to glaze over and your brains tend to lock up tight should we ever prolong a climax any longer than a few weeks.

Case in point: Evolution’s turn on Randy Orton.

Now, dullards sniff that it was a rushed move. A fevered attempt on my part to stop the current ratings bleed-out. Had these experts checked their history, they may have noticed how the end of August always features a lull in the ratings, but they didn’t, or they just refuse to acknowledge it. I’m not surprised, I’ve growned accustomed to the idea that the spirit of Chicken Little resides in the hearts of many who would loudly preach from their self-made pulpits.

Of course it was a rushed storyline. Of course we disemboweled the intitial strategy to tell a long, sweeping, epic tale of betrayal, double-crosses, redemption, and ultimately a good old-fashioned face-off between the Hero and the Villain and went directly to the climax. Yes we did.

Or did we? Did we really?

I urge to you focus now. Focus like you have never focused before. Perhaps we’ve decided to spin this tale in a startingly new direction? Perhaps, rather than tell the story of a young champion’s slow rise to manhood, we thought a more unique presentation would be to thrust young Orton into the deep end of the pool with the spotlight shining directly on him as he fought to stay afloat while the Game gleefully keeps pushing his head underwater. Is it conceivable? Is it possible?

Rushed or inspired? Desperate or creative? Frantic or bold? Panicked or daring? Forgive me, but seeing how a shiny quarter on the street usually mesmorizes the lot of you for hours on end, I’ll go ahead and assume the worst from you. It’s the safest bet.

Now allow me to make this final allegory which I have little doubt will soar high over your amusing little heads: I woke up this morning read nothing but praise and excitement concerning the ambush of the WWE’s newest and youngest world heavyweight champion. I looked out of my window, the sky was bright and blue and stable – nothing was falling. It was a beautiful morning and a promising start to the day ahead – and to the future – ahead. I looked at my shrubbery just underneath my window. There, almost hidden in the green, was a quivering, pathetic little squirrel. He is trying his mightiest to peak into my room. He doesn’t know that I am watching him try to watch me.

What a pitiable little thing. I decide to toss him a small handful of nuts. And just for fun, I’ll soak them in my own urine. I have no doubt that he’ll devour every last one of them and come back starving for more.

He always does.

And that’s my Attack.

Holy god!

Thank you Mr. McMahon, for the warm words for me, for this column… for everything.

How can you NOT drop him a line? How many more opportunities do you think you’ll get to talk to him?? Jesus, people.

WHAT’S THE 411, YO?

Last week I ran down some Inside Pulse tag lines that Widro was considering.

THIS week, I thought to ask Ashish if HE had any ideas for new 411 tags! Remarkably, he said he did! Amazingly, he ran a few by me!

(Note: Now don’t get all pissy… this is all in the HIGHEST of good spirits and honest fun)

411MANIA: Now asshole free

411MANIA: The Exclusive Home of Asteroid Boy

411MANIA: Because nobodies do it better

411MANIA: Still featuring the gayest forum anywhere!

411MMANIA: Wrestling columns now featuring Wrestling

411MANIA: Who reads comic books anyway?

411MANIA: Miss the Jews? Well then check out Andrew Blumberg, every Friday.

411MANIA: Let’s face it, Hyatte has been dead weight for years

411MANIA: Matt Hardy sez we’re da bomb, yo!

411MANIA: No one here thinks Triple H is better than you

411MANIA: We still got Nemesis!

411MANIA: Ashish: The ORIGINAL Willie the Worker

411MANIA: We don’t want Dave Gagnon either

411MANIA: Gamble on Ron Gamble

411MANIA: We didn’t understand what Flea was yammering about anymore than you did

411MANIA: We got rid of the Netcop just as he was getting unreliable

411MANIA: Home of Jacob “F-Off Widro, I’m staying” Ziegler

411MANIA: Still better than the Lords of Pain

411MANIA: None of us are going to fall for a fake Tammy Sytch or a fake Vince McMahon

411MANIA: Praying that you don’t remember to update and clean-out your bookmarks!

Ohhh, lighten up! It’s all in good fun!

God Bless Ashish!

A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

*The five most stolen items in a drugstore are batteries, cosmetics, film, sunglasses, and Preparation H.*

And just like that, you’re already a little smarter than you were 3 seconds ago!

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:

WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON…

Axl Rose.

I’m gonna punch that cocksucker in the face for doublecrossing me.

Flea: a man who has no problems hollerin’ “YEAH BABY” followed by “YEEEHAAAW” when downloading obscure songs.

A LIVE MIC = DANGER

I still need submissions… all the SUBMISSIONS IN THE UNIVERSE!! or something…

10 fast ones this week, with four of them focusing on the last Raw… in fact, four of them focused on the last few MINUTES of Raw

Clearly, I LOVED those last few minutes. Just… great television. Oh, right… it was HORRIBLE TV because it just showed how PETTY AND GREEDY AND PARANOID TRIPLE H IS! That’s right… I forgot… HHH is trying to destroy the WWE, how DARE I go against what such friggin’ Wrestling Einsteins like Dave Scherer and Jason Powell (I get to these two clowns in Monday’s column)

01): What a bad break for a courageous…

Oh don’t worry about Benoit, let’s talk about the celebration, let’s start the women coming down. the wine’ll start flowing, the women’ll start flowin’ – where are the women?– Ross and Lawler: on the last Raw

02): Wahoo, I put 47 stitches in your head because IT WAS MEANT TO BE!!!!!– Ric Flair: a CLASSIC promo from the Mid-Atlantic era – mid-70’s

03): You’re SICK!!– Steven Richards (during his RTC phase) to Matt Hardy after being hiptossed: Raw ’01

04): He has a calcium deposit on the medulla oblongota of his brain, but he is a brilliant man. This man has a BA, an MA from Harvard, and a PHD from Oxford. He’s a brilliant man I tell you, Mean Gene.– Capt. Lou Albano on Buzz Sawyer: WWF TV, mid-80’s

05): You’ll find sympathy in the dictionary between shit and suicide. – Roddy Piper

06): If the Gods could build me a ladder to the heavens, I’d climb up the ladder and drop a big elbow on the world.– Cactus Jack: WCW TV

7) Each night I come out here and offer my services to be your sports hero. But tonight, I’m not gonna do that. Instead, I would like to talk about my opponent, Mark Henry. You see, Mark may think that we’re a lot alike because we were both Olympians. But that’s where the similarity ends. As I won Olympic gold, came to the WWF, and embarked on an incredible undefeated streak that shocked the whole entire world, Mark Henry’s greatest accomplishment was impregnating an 82-year-old woman. Congratulations, Mark. And although that may have required a lot of intensity – I don’t even like to think about it – it definitely lacked integrity and intelligence, if you know what I mean. And while impregnating elderly women and living in sin may be acceptable to Dallas Texas, it is NOT acceptable to your Olympic champion! It is not!– Kurt Angle

08): f*ck…– Randy Orton, upon realizing that he was about to get f-ed up by Evolution: last Raw

09): DUUHSH DUUHSH DUUHSH DUUHSH DUUHSH DUUHSH DUUHSH DUUHSH DUUHSH .– Triple H – while punching Orton’s head: last Raw

10): (holding the belt) THIS…ISH MEEEUGH…. THISH….. ISH EVOLOOSHIION…. ROOOOORFGH… OOOOUUUURRRAG– Triple H – garbling like a jacked up gorilla: last Raw

The hilarous thing is, I’ve seen grown men groan and scream like that after doing a particularly brutal benchpress at many many gyms over these many, many years. ROOOOORFGH…. OOOOUUUURRRRAG. Heh, welcome to the world of the ROID, baby!

Dave Scherer took steroids once, but it just made his bitch tits get bigger. Which is a natural side-effect of taking juice… BUT NOT ONLY AFTER THE FIRST WEEK!!

Scherer… I’ll quit the net forever if he’s as healthy as he says. Guaranteed he’s still the human bowling pin.

Guide to Life business next. So if that doesn’t interest you, our time is over. Next week… READING MATERIAL!! Damn straight!

This is Hyatte

Now, for the rest of you clueless imbeciles…

HYATTE’S GUIDE TO LIFE

Hey! I got two of them last week! Plenty!

And NONE of them are about asking out women. One of them, in fact, is pretty much as opposite a dilemma as it gets

The questions will be plain text, my answers in bold.

Greetings Mr Hyatte

hope things are well your side. just a quick question for you. I’m just wondering what you do to try and get through writers block?

I write as a hobby and I’ve gotten stuck midway through a story piece I was working on. I have got the storyline written down but cant seem to
find the words to flesh it out, I’ve tried listening to different music and walking away for a feww weeks/couple months to see if I got the urge back. But it hasnt helped. I see the story in my head, but getting it down on paper is proving to be harder than the first couple stories ive written were.

any pointers would be appreciated

cheers

Brett

You need to read more. See how the pros do it.

And don’t read just one type of genre. Someone who reads nothing but Stephen King will not be able to write a deep story about ghetto survival. Someone who reads nothing but John Grisham will have problems writing an authentic Western.

I would also drop the piece and write another shorter story that is completely different from the one you’re doing.

And with each story, focus on different styles. Do a story in the first person, then do one in the third person. Do a story that’s heavy with prose, then do one that is dialougue heavy, almost like a screenplay.

In other words, kick-start your creative flow by channeling it in a new direction.

Also, the first draft of any story is called a first draft for one simple reason… IT’S THE STORY YOU HAD IN YOUR HEAD FINALLY ON PAPER. Do NOT start writing as if this will be the only draft you’ll do. Write just to get the story from your head to the paper. Get that mother DOWN. Beginning, middle, and end. get it down. Then the second draft is when you tighten all the screws and create the flow. The third draft, and every draft afterwards, is just cleaning up and final polishes. If you’re any good, you’ll have an editor who will tell you where the clean-ups are needed.

Okay Chris, this isnt something i want advice on but I definatly wouldnt mind hearing another perspective on it.

Okay, My brother is bi-sexual. I’m the only one who knows, but he doesnt even know that I know. I’m a bit ashamed that I do know because of how I found out. When I was a younger little asshole, I read a few of his emails and found out that way. I used to go through his crap looking for porn and I found a dildo, transvestite porn and a catalogue of womens clothing, but for men to wear. So I’m definatly sure that he’s bi rather than gay, cuz he still f*cks women (as far as I still know).

I dont care about his sexual preferences, honestly it doesnt bother me. But, see, we rag on each other all the time. And every so often, he tries to question my manhood, calls me a faggot, and everytime I feel like yelling back “YOu got no right to talk dildo owner!” y’know, just to really burn him. But I dont wanna blow up his spot like that. As far as I’m concerned, when he’s ready to come out about it, he’ll come out. But whenever he tries to pull that “you sure you arent gay?” crap, I feel like, well, blowing up his spot (excuse my hood slang, I wont even insult you by trying to explain what that means, I’m sure you know)

So what I’m wondering is, what would you do? I just let it be, cuz it doesnt honestly bother me enough that I’d truly just lash out like that back, just something that crosses my mind and, like I said, I’m interesting in hearing another perspective.

Thanks homeboy, you’re the man.

Sanchez

Well, first of all, good for you for loving your brother enough to respect the shit he’s dealing with. I dion’t care what anyone says, in the closet gays are dealing with a LOT of personal trauma.

However, he’s cocky and feels safe enough to rag you and call you a fag. Maybe he’s just hoping you are so he can have someone to talk to? Someone in the family.

You have two easy choices here: 1) Continue to ignore his chides and just smile. He doesn’t mean it. It’s just regular brother stuff. And if and when he finally comes out to you, tell him you knew all along. He’ll be blown away.

Or 2) if you can’t take it anymore. Start calling HIM a fag in the same tone he uses. It’ll have a MUCH deeper impact and I’m quite sure he’ll stop saying it. he might even say, “Why would you say that to me?” and get all paranoid. Then you can either let the cat out of the bag or just blow it off.

Is there any chance the… equipment you found belonged to an ex-girlfriend of his with a HARD-CORE sense of kinkiness?

And we’re DONE! Yah!

And I’m blown out. The Mop-Up killed me… I’m on total fumes, big daddy!

But I’ll be around on Monday. Will you? WILL YOU???

Ahhhh, I’m going to bed.

This is Hyatte