InsidePULSE’s WWE Smackdown Report

I’ll have match by match coverage of WWE Smackdown tonight, complete with guest commentary of your favorite IP writers!

I should be updating every 10 minutes or so.

A limo pulls out and the driver lets out Orlando Jordan. He then helps JBL out of the limo. JBL has a massive neck/upper torso brace with huge black metal thick wires attached to the sides of his head. Orlando puts JBL’s hat on his head and they slowly make their way to the ring. JBL cuts a long promo going through still shots of the match at Summerslam and runs down the Undertaker. This promo is so long I started doing the wave myself in my apartment. He begins to nearly cry as he describes hot the hood of the limo was still hot and then the chokeslam. After a lengthy promo, the gongs blare and the Undertaker come out. JBL and Orlando escape through the crowd, the Undertaker does the “only whites” eye thing and we fade to commercial.

Commercial Break

WWE Cruserweight Title
Spike Dudley (c) vs. Scotty 2 Hotty
Match goes on for a bit with Scotty controlling. He goes for the WORM and gets tripped up by Bubba Ray, who pulls him to the floor for some Dudleyville-style beatings. They send him abck in and Spike works on Scotty for a couple minutes until the Dudley Dawg finishes it.
Winner and STILL champ: Spike

Commercial Break

Raw Rebound. I missed the second half of Raw seeing The Killers at the Bowery (killer show, har har). Jeeze that turn was vicious. I love seeing Randy’s mouth as HHH thumbs down. f*ckdon’t do it…

Tazz and Cole SELL THE RAW ANGLE. I hate when JR and King don’t even mention the Smackdown rewind, like after Big Show supposedly murdered Kurt Angle.

Josh Matthews backstage with John Cena, wearing a cool new throwback shirt with Word Life written out like the original Wrestlemania logo. He is fairly confident in his match with Booker T. Spike comes over and jaws with Cena until the Dudleyz come in for some 3 on 1 beatings.

Matthew Michael: cena completely deserves that
Matthew Michael: for being the aggressor

Non-Title Match
Kidman and London (c) vs. Jamie Noble and Chavo
Are they turning the tag titles on Smackdown into the Cruiserweight Tag Titles? That would certainly be cool. Heels take control and work over London for a bit. Finally a hot tag to Kidman, whos houseafire style offense is highlighted by a cool DVD into a backbreaker on Noble. Double team commences, and Long comes in with a spin kick to send Noble out of the ring. Goes up top, and Chavo pushes him off the top. Chavo tries a powerbomb on Kidman, but, well, you know. Kidman reverses with a powerbomb, and drags Chavo to the corner. Goes up for Shooting Star Press, down to the apron, then goes for a sunset flip on Chavo. Noble pulls Chavo back onto Kidman and Chavo grabs the ropes, and gets the pin.
Winners: Chavo and Noble

Theoretically that earns them a title shot.

Theodore Long talks to some ref and tells him Theodore R. Long’s House Rules #1: If you’re gonna fight backstage, then playa, ya gotta be ready to take it to the ring. Makes a handicap match Dudleyz vs. Cena.

Commercial Break

Matthew Michael: If you missed it, commercial: “$1,000,000 Tough Enough, coming this Fall to Smackdown!”

Eddie Guerrero comes out for a promo and calls out Kurt Angle for a rematch. Kurt comes out and doesnt want to fight again. They go back and forth a bit, Eddie finally says he respects Kurt and just wants to shake his hand. After a while, Kurt relents and comes into the ring to shake his hand and of course Eddie turns on him and attacks. Eddie grabs the mic after Angle clears to the floor with Luther, and runs down Angle.

Commercial Break

Matthew Michael: US Champ Booker T comes down to the announce table to commentate on the Cena vs. The Dudley match.

John Cena vs. The Dudley
Cena comes down to the ring, holding up one of the fans’ signs about him, as they replay the backstage Cena/Spike incident. Cole asks Booker if he had anything to do with the beatdown, and he claims ignorance. D-Von is “The Dudley” for this match, and he pounds Cena into the corner as Booker tells us to “bring our broomsticks” ’cause his Best of Five is gonna be a sweep. Cole reminds him that he lost the first match, so he can’t sweep. Some generic “back and forth” action, and Cena takes control with a clothesline, flying shoulderblock, D-Von misses a splash into a Cena bodydrop and World’s Strongest Slam, Five Knuckle Shuffle, but D-Von kicks out! Cena pumps ’em up, holds off an interfering Bubba, FU, 1-2-3, pinned.
Winner: Cena

Cena grabs a mike and tells Booker that “you’ve been holding onto my jewelry for way too long” and that he means BIG business and “the champ is HERE.”

Main Event is announced as Rey/Eddie vs. Kurt/Luther.

Commercial Break

FLIPS to Olympics: Someone’s swimming. Her name is Beard, and she won! Who?!

Apparently Amanda Beard’s the only person to get gold, silver and bronze in the same Olympic event… which means this is her third Olympics… and I still don’t know who she is.

They show a “SmackDown! Throwback” as the 5th anniversary of the debut is coming up. Rock vs. HHH for the WWF Title, Shawn Michaels as special guest ref in short-shorts, WHAM! Superkick (out of the womb?) to the Rock to give HHH the victory during the premiere edition of The Rock’s Show!

Cole and Tazz announce that the September 23 episode of SD will be the “official 5th anniversary special” and season premiere.

Rene Dupree vs. Rob Van Dam in a Heat re-match
Some chain wrestling, lots of reversals and near falls to start, followed by several misses, a stand-off, and a big round of applause from the mixed Canadien crowd! RVD misses a charge and hits ringpost into his shoulder, and then promptly stops selling it, so Dupree works the shoulder even more. Rene turns the crowd against him by cheering for Quebec, and saying something along the lines of “Owen Sucks!” then goes back to the left shoulder. Van Dam squirms out, flurry of offense, kick to the chin by Van Dam, cartwheel, TWO! Tazz corrects me — it was a cartwheel into a splash “I used to do them all the time.” Rolling Thunder hits knees, RVD recovers and goes top, but hits testicles… Dupree hits top rope superplex! 1-2-kickout by Van Dam. Kick to the face, five-star frogsplash, it’s over.
Winner: RVD

BUT NO IT’S NOT OVER! Kenzo attacks RVD from behind for no apparent reason! Suzuki looks more energetic than he has since joining WWE, four bodyslams, THE CLAW/LEGSWEEP, and RVD’s down for the count as Hiroko looks on, and Rene Dupree goes to the back to ask Jindrak if he needs a tag partner.

Theodore Long brings a tape to the production truck to play when he goes out to the ring. He teaches her the art of playa-bonics and calls her the Video Queen!

Commercial Break

Murtz: Amanda Beard posed in like FHM or something

Cena and Tazz come out of a Tough Enough Rewind moment replaying Maven beating Josh and Chris for Tough Enough 1, to announce the $1,000,000 Tough Enough. To enter send a ONE-MINUTE TAPE to: P.O. Box 1395, Stamford, CT 06904. Ladies can send a one-minute tape of you having sex with Joshua Grutman.

Long goes to the ring and shows a video of his big resigning. Oh yay its the Big Show.
Long announces the main event, which is coming up next, and starts dancing.

Rey comes out.

Commercial Break

Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio vs. Kurt Angle and Luther Raines
Double teams on Luther for a bit. Tag to Angle and he does some work on Rey. Tag to Eddie and he goes right to work on Kurt in the corner. Rake to the eyes by Kurt, tag to Luther and the Eddie Beatdown begins. Eddie falls to the floor, and Rey comes over to console him.

Commercial Break

We are back and Kurt is working on Eddie’s ankle in the ring. Tags back and forth with Luther for double team and single team work on the ankle.

Grutman: Sorry to use quotes.
Grutman: I mean caps

Angle tosses a few suplexes in for good measure. Rey comes in, they all brawl, breaks down to Rey and Luther with the ref knocked down. Rey does a modified 619 around the ringpost on Kurt, then does a top rope legdrop across the back of Luther’s neck. Drop kick sets up the 619 in the ring, but en-route to 619 Angle smacks Rey with the chair. Angle back in, and gets the ankle lock on Rey, but the ref is still out. Luther is in and goes to work on Rey, but Eddie returns to the ring and does a low blow on Luther. Angle had gone to the back. Eddie does multiple rolling vertical suplexes to the oohs and ahhs of this crowd. Rey hits 619 and Eddie hits a frogsplash and Luther is pinned. Where did Kurt go?
Winners: Eddie and Rey

Angle comes back out with a bucket of paint and spills it all over Eddie’s car. Eddie is very mad his car is painted. Tazz: That’s an expensive paint job I gotta tell ya. What an absolute outrage indeed, Michael Cole.