Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by the new Mountain Dew Baja Blast, which is only available at Taco Bell. Actually, it kind of tastes like shit. Don’t try it. No, really, you’ll be better off never having tasted Mountain Dew Baja Blast.
Oh boy, it’s been one of those f*cking days. Luckily, I got the meat and potatoes of the column done on Wednesday and Thursday, because it is Friday night as I’m finishing this up and I feel like killing somebody. If I’m still working in retail by the start of next year, I may just haul off and kick the shit out of somebody. Having to deal with shitty customers—as well as f*ckball co-workers—on a daily basis, combined with having to put away stray merchandise until 12:30am has really started to take a toll on my sanity. I have been feeling a lot edgier than usual lately, and I know the feeling; the same feeling that I get when I forget to take my antidepressants for a day. So that means that I’m going to need to either hike up my dosage, or start drinking heavily in order to keep for beating the shit out of the next person who rubs me the wrong way. Combine this with the fact that I get little to no sleep, and I have been a nervous wreck. And no, you have not mistakenly clicked on an Eric S. column.
In a related story, when I ran this column through spell-check, it flagged “f*ckball” and recommended that I replace it with “duckbill.” HA! Ok, my night just got slightly better.
My apologies to Joe Reid for forgetting to include his e-mail for feedback on last week’s Late Night Jukebox. You can reach him at reidj21@yahoo.com, and also be sure to check out his Friday Movie News Happy Hour, over at 411mania.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
(GUESS WHO I’M REALLY TALKING ABOUT EDITION)
Germans LOVE That_Bootleg_Guy! Really, they do! He was awesome on Baywatch! Remember that one time when the Berlin Wall came down, and he performed atop the rubble? That was really awesome, too, wasn’t it? With Aaron Cameron, the fall of communism would have never happened!
Speaking of memories, remember that time in 1997 when Mathan Erhardt was playing for the Golden State Warriors and he choked PJ Carlisimo? That was pretty funny, and it’s okay to laugh about it now, because Mathan was able to shed that cad image by being pretty awesome when he played for the New York Knicks. In fact, he’s going to be making more than $14 million dollars next season with the Minnesota Timberwolves! Maybe I should choke somebody!
Blotto and D’Estroyer used to be one of the hottest couples in recent memory. They got so much attention from the media that their respective careers were overshadowed by their being an item, but then Gigli came out, and the world realized that the relationship was destined to fail. Blotto is most recently dating Jennifer Garner, and D’Estroyer ended up marrying longtime friend Marc Anthony. Say what you will about D’Estroyer, but [he]’s definitely got a butt that won’t quit.
What ever happened to Gloomchen? Remember when [she] used to be in all of those really cool 80s movies, like Police Academy, Police Academy 2, Police Academy 3, Police Academy 4, Cocoon, and Short Circuit? Oh yeah, and she was in that movie about the nuclear holocaust, too. But seriously, folks, I think Gloomchen’s big mistake was starring in the sequel to Cocoon, which was really terrible. Hey, at least [she] got mentioned on that one Simpsons episode with the Stonecutters.
Why is everyone making such a big deal about Jeremy Botter having to serve jury duty? I mean, ok, [he] IS one of the most successful talk show hosts in the history of television as well as owner of Harpo Productions, but why is it such a media spectacle? In fact, the guy who got convicted in the case is supposedly going to file for a mistrial since the trial got so much attention due to Botter being on the jury. In a related blurb, I thought [he] was awesome in The Color Purple!
NEWS TO USE
Rapper Shyne, who has managed to sign a record deal with Def Jam, as well as record and sell thousands of copies of an album—all from prison—has had all of his phone privileges taken away after several violations of the prison’s phone regulations. Serving time in upstate New York’s Clinton Correctional Facility, Shyne has had to adhere to New York laws which restrict him from calling cell phones, having calls transferred to another party, conducting business calls, and speaking to reporters that have not been approved by the prison. Over the past few years, the rapper has apparently done all of these things, along with giving prison authorities bogus names on his designated call list. “If a call is transferred to a cell phone, we have no idea who that call is going to or where that person is,” a spokesman for the Department of Correctional Services told reporters. “In a post-Sept. 11 world, we’d like to know who inmates are talking to. When we saw the name ‘Elliot Smilowitz’ on Mr. Barrow’s designated call list, we knew something was up, as those two haven’t done business since 1998, when little Elliot used to steal chrome tire plugs and trade them to Shyne for Bazooka bubble gum and Tamagotchis.”
After having made one of the best decisions of his life and leaving one of the shittiest bands in the history of music, Wes Borland has re-joined said shitty band and is no doubt currently suckling on Everyone’s Favorite Guy’s wang. To further cement how much a wishy-washy piece of shit f*ckwad Everyone’s Favorite Guy is, he released a statement about the band’s replacement of Borland when he had left (Mike Smith, formerly of Snot and theSTART), saying that the chemistry was so “dope” that they would not be using any previously recorded material with Borland on their then-upcoming album, Results May Vary. However, he more recently told reporters, “We are very content with Mike being gone … We are the type of people that stay true to our family and our instincts and at any moment will act on intuition as a whole. Mike wasn’t the guy. We had fun playing with him but always knew, in the back of our minds, that he wasn’t where we needed him to be mentally. On that note, you can assume that the shit we are writing now is f*cking powerful and very emotionally laced with reality.” When he’s not talking gibberish, Fred Durst can be seen in your toilet after you’ve eaten chili and/or White Castles, like any other worthless shit.
The Baltimore Orioles have a $2 million lawsuit pending against them after they booked Van Halen to appear at Camden Yards on September 2nd, and later canceled the scheduled performance. The band says that “[I]n addition to using its resources to plan the concert, Van Halen had to change the dates of other scheduled concerts and forgo other concert opportunities in order to accommodate the Oriole Park concert.” When a representative for the Orioles spoke to a reporter from The Saturday Swindle Sheet in an EXCLUSIVE interview, he said, “Wait a minute, you mean Gary Sherone ISN’T with the band anymore. Well f*ck, that puts a whole new spin on things.”
The Miller Brewing Company is receiving scrutiny after having unveiled eight commemorative “50th Anniversary of Rock ‘n’ Roll” beer cans. Pop culture fans and equal rights advocates have pointed out that the cans, which feature Rolling Stone covers with Elvis Presley, Blondie, Alice Cooper, Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, and Willie Nelson, along with two guitar designs, respectively, are completely devoid of any black musicians. A professor of pop culture at Syracuse likened the snubbing to “doing a set of cans of six great Impressionist painters and not including any French people on it.” A representative for Rolling Stone, who was part of the selection process for the can images, brought up the fact that the magazine wasn’t around in the beginning years of rock ‘n’ roll, when many integral black artists emerged. He also pointed out that many artists (including Jimi Hendrix’s estate) had turned down the offer because it involved alcohol, and despite what many people might tell you, Miller Lite is not awesome. In a related story, 50 Cent looks like Garth Brooks.
Lil Kim recently stated that charges against her for taking part in a 2001 shooting are nothing but a “witch hunt against the hip-hop industry.” In an EXCLUSIVE interview with a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, Kim said, “Yeah, so I lied to grand jury. So what? How many of you have ever lied? Come on, Jeff Fernandez, like you’ve never taken a day off from work to sleep in because you drank too much the night before, but you told your boss that your great-aunt Lucy got hit by an asparagus truck and is in critical condition so you can’t come in to work.”
BITS ‘N’ PIECES
Courtney Love’s trial date has finally been set in her felony drug possession case, and the proceedings will kick off on September 30th. She is already considering calling the judge the morning of the trial and telling him that her great-aunt Lucy got hit by an asparagus truck and is in critical condition so she won’t have to appear in court.
September 12th will see a Ramones 30th anniversary party at Hollywood’s Avalon Theater. The band originally debuted at CBGB on August 16, 1974, as The Fast Four. CJ and Marky will perform classic songs alongside Henry Rollins, Eddie Vedder, and Pete Yorn, among others.
After already selling almost one million copies of her debut album, Autobiography, Ashlee Simpson has already surpassed her sister Jessica, as the album hit No. 1 this past week. Jessica Simpson has never had an album reach No. 1, even though the album with that terrible Mellencamp cover has sold around 2 million. In a related story, black-haired Ashlee Simpson : blonde-haired Ashlee Simpson :: Iron Maiden : Goo Goo Dolls.
Dan Fogelberg, who was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer a few months back, has canceled his upcoming tour in order to undergo experimental treatment for the disease.
THE LATE NIGHT JUKEBOX
This week’s featured contributor is Scott Rutherford, weekly news reporter from 411mania’s movies section…
One thing I notice when most people do this for Fernandez is that they go out of their way to pick music that is uber-obscure to show how big their dicks are. Since I am secure in my cock size I’m going to pick music that is relatively easy to find in the hope that if you haven’t heard it before, you will search it out now.
Split Ends – “Message to a Girl”
(From the album Conflicting Emotions )
The first of three Neil Finn penned songs on my list and it stems from his first band. One of the early classics to come from the New Zealander, it shows you don’t have to be sappy to write a love song (something which Finn excelled at). Simple drum beat, a neo-classical piano figure and a slyly funky bassline make up this songs core along with Neil’s voice, that amazingly melancholy voice. Fun Fact: this band was a huge influence on Eddie Vedder.
Crowded House – “Better Be Home Soon”
(From the album Temple Of Low Men )
Finn song #2. I was tempted to put down “Don’t Dream It’s Over” (#2 in the U.S charts back in the late 80’s), I just like this song better. Built around an acoustic guitar and Finns voice once more, it is very simple but heartfelt song told from a woman’s perspective. A trick Eddie Vedder and Kurt Cobain use to stunning effect.
Neil Finn – “She Will Have Her Way”
(From the album Try Whistling This)
The third and last Neil Finn song on my list and it is one of my favourite songs of all time and reminds me of an ex-girlfriend of mine (in a good way) who was never wrong. I will always remember seeing this live and getting shivers from the power this song was played with without ever resorting to the overused cliché of making it more rock n’ roll. People might remember this from the television show Felicity
Silverchair – “Luv Your Life”
(From the album Diorama)
The world didn’t know what they missed when they overlooked this album and specifically this song. No longer the teenage grunge wannabe’s they started out as, this album showed a mature Daniel Johns telling you life isn’t that bad of which this is the best example. With superb orchestration from Van Dyke Parks (Beach Boys, U2) this song sounds like it was from a different era,
B.B. King – “The Thrill Is Gone”
(available on too many albums to name)
This was my first introduction, before I had pubic hair, to the blues and what a way to start. Certainly not Kings best song, it is probably his most well known. If you are at the end of a relationship this is required listening. A few candles and a bottle of vodka would complete the mood. Keep the shotgun under the bed.
Robert Johnson – Love in Vain
(From The Robert Johnson Crossroads Box Set)
The pioneer himself and someone that can’t be touched when it comes making you feel what he feels. The majority of his songs would almost be unlistenable to most people but this one is different. I tend to listen to the blues when I am breaking/broken up with someone and this song is usually at the top of my list. Hard to think his music is nearly 80 years old and still relevant and powerful today.
Primitive Radio Gods – “Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth (With Money in My Hand)”
(From the Cable Guy Soundtrack)
A song that got passed by during the mid-90’s GenX heyday. This song sampled B.B King to great effect while adding a simple drum beat and piano figure. Just a mellow tune that uses a f*ck load of do-do-do’s at the end.
Aerosmith – “Seasons of Whither”
(From the album Get Your Wings)
When a band becomes as mythic as this one, their back catalogue becomes a victim to their classic hits. Amid those classics exists a body of songs that are as good, if not better, than the songs you know. Case in point is “Season of Whither”. Back in the 70’s Aerosmith didn’t do the big ballad like they do today, they did haunting slow songs like this.
Matchbox 20 – “3AM” (acoustic version)
(From the special edition version of Welcome To Wherever You Are)
I am not a fan of this band, but when Rob Thomas gave a reading of “3am” with just voice and piano, I couldn’t believe the emotion of the song as opposed to the recorded version that was played on the radio. This is what happens when Thomas uses his powers for good instead of evil.
Jimi Hendrix – “The Wind Cries Mary”
(only released as a single but can be found on multiple best of compilations)
Hendrix burst onto the music scene in the late 60’s with wall of sound guitars. After two singles of this he let out this amazing and gentle ballad about love gone wrong. It is a pity his wild man persona overshadowed the more reflective side of his song writing because he could take you into a different world.
Led Zeppelin – “In My Time of Dying”
(From the album Led Zeppelin III)
As with Aerosmith, Zeppelin’s full body of work is overlooked in favour of their touchstone classics. Some people can rattle of songs and standards of theirs but would look at you funny when you mention “Night on the Tiles” or “The Crunge”. I had about a dozen songs I could have chosen, so I just went for my personal favourite. If you need me to talk up Led Zeppelin then you have no taste.
R.E.M – “Night Swimming”
(From the album Automatic for the People)
Even though this was a single, most people hardly knew it existed and I actually am grateful. I love this band but sometimes some of their songs get overplayed and you lose the special feeling you get when you first heard them. Thankfully it exists in willful obscurity. This song is just Michael Stipe accompanied my Mike Mills on piano. Stark, elegant and beautiful. Special mention also to “Find The River” on the same album
The Pixies – “Wave of Mutilation” (U.K Subs mix)
(From the Pump Up the Volume soundtrack)
Most people know this song from the Doolittle album and the rock/punk version that appeared on it. I never cared for the song until I heard this stripped back version and the emotion it had. Boiled down to the suicide note lyrics, bass and drums, it showed what the Pixies could do when they didn’t have their tongues so far up their cheeks.
Elliot Smith – “Sweet Adeline”
(From the album X0)
A brilliant singer/songwriter now more known for taking his own life by stabbing himself in the heart, he was a great storyteller and romantic of which, this song was the essence of. Half acoustic and double tracked voice, it suddenly breaks into the best Beatles pop song they never wrote. Any of his solo albums could be spun at the wee hours of the morning and I recommend them all. Also check out his band Heatmiser for his more rock n’ roll heart.
Red Hot Chilli Peppers – “Scar Tissue”
(From the album Californication)
No matter how hard I try I never liked this band, which is strange because I own all their albums because as a bass player, I thought I was duty bound to worship the other Flea. This song however, is amazing. A gentle guitar, a grounded bassline and the best lyric Keidis ever wrote. I really dig how the backing vocals gradually build each time the chorus comes around.
George – “Special Ones”
(From the album Polyserena)
You think Evanescence is original? This Australian band was doing operatic vocals on top of modern day pop before Evanescence first played doctors and nurses. Opinion is pretty divided in Australia about this band, I always liked them. They create a simply music bed for vocalist Katie Noonan to bring the song to life with her voice. Best female vocalist in the world.
Shane Nicholson – “Life on Mars”
(From the album It’s A Movie)
My buddy from way back, Shane was the singer in my band before he went solo a few years back and this is the highlight of his debut album. In fact, “It’s A Movie” as a whole would fit into the Late Night Jukebox vibe.
Frank Sinatra – “All The Way”
(from albums to many to mention)
I may not like Sinatra himself but f*ck the man could bring the smooth. I can listen to his early years all day and never get tired of it. This song is a favourite for to many reasons to mention, but you can put anything on from his early timeframe and not go wrong.
The Boys Next Door- “Shiver”
(from the album Door, Door)
Most people know Nick Cave as either a Bad Seed or from the Birthday Party but he snuck out an album with this band and it contains this amazing song. Two chords (G and C for those who care) and lyrics about the wrong woman, the title sums up the song better than I ever could.
Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds – Into My Arms
(From the album The Boatman’s Call)
Closing out the set is this amazingly beautiful ballad from the dark overlord of music. From drug addict tearaway in his early years, Cave evolved into a man who now mainly meditates on love and god and this song is about both. It is hard to reconcile the man that gave us “Murder Ballads” released this song less than two years later.
That should do you all for nearly two hours and I had to resist the urge to add about another dozen more. As you can tell by now, when I go for laid back tunes I tend to value simplicity over excess and the more stark the song, the more I like it. If you haven’t heard any of these, please search them out. Thanks Fernandez for letting entertain you for a while.
Thanks to Scott Rutherford for taking part in what has been called the Cadillac of music news features to have cameos from other writers, or something like that. You can send any questions and/or comments pertaining to this Jukebox to Scott at hudson_lowboy@yahoo.com, and also check out the latest edition of The Entertainment Guide.
FROM THE LABELS
From Underground Inc…
***FREE STUFF***
More free stuff from Underground Inc. We’re giving away a free Attrition shirt when you order their new cd “Dante’s Kitchen.” One reviewer just said of the album “dark atmospheric electro in its purest form.” (Write your size in the special instructions field). And yes, yes, yes, STOP IT!!! We’re also bringing back the free Pigface DJ Bag for orders over $69.
And there are plenty of new releases to get you to the $69 mark.
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***WEB TROUBLES***
As many of you probably noticed this past weekend, the website disappeared for a bit. We realize that some of you were looking to cash in on the free DVD offer as well as the free Tub Ring shirt that comes with the purchase of their newest cd “Zoo Hypothesis.”
Because of that, we are extending the offer through this weekend.
Buy ZOO HYPOTHESIS NOW!!!
http://s38226.sites38.storefront-hosting.com/detail.aspx?ID=456
***ON TOUR***
DJ? Acucrack is going on tour with KMFDM!!!
Tub Ring started their North American tour this past weekend.
My Life With The Thrill Kult is gearing up to start out on the Evil Doer Tour with Ministry. Also on the Evil Doer Tour, Lacey from Nocturne will be performing with Ministry.
Look out for Bile, Attrition, and Sheep On Drugs dates to come soon.
Check out all the most current touring info on our site: www.invisiblerecords.com/tour.htm
***REVIEWS***
Tub Ring “Zoo Hypothesis” review:
http://www.newcitychicago.com/chicago/3622.html
Attrition “Dante’s Kitchen” review:
http://www.starvox.net/cdr/att.htm
Also check out the new issues of MK Magazine and Industrial Nation for reviews of Pigface, Chemlab, Iron Lung Corp, plus interviews with Jared Louche of Chemlab!!!
***COMING SOON***
DJ? Acucrack – Mako vs. Geist
Pigface vs. Defragmentation – 8Bithead
The Countdown – Scratch and Sniff EP
Bile – Regurge “The Best of Bile”
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html
Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
INFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up in the CD carousel as I wrote this week’s column…
Leftfield, “Afrika Shox”
Deftones, “Around the Fur”
Millencolin, “Da Strike”
New Order, “Thieves Like Us”
Billy Idol, “Eyes Without a Face”
The BellRays, “Changing Colors”
Matthew Sweet, “Farther Down”
Faithless, “Insomnia”
Type O Negative, “Black No. 1”
Mos Def, “Umi Says”
Rockers Hi-Fi, “Transmission Central”
Björk, “Come to Me”
The Guess Who, “These Eyes”
Shakira, “Pies Descalzos, Sueños Blancos”
The Sisters of Mercy, “1969”
James Brown, “The Payback”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Following up on this story from the 7/17 edition of The Saturday Swindle Sheet…
According to the UK’s The Times, a British man recently happened upon a cache of Beatles items while perusing an Australian flea market. Fraser Claughton was shopping in a small town outside of Melbourne when he saw a suitcase that he decided to take a look at. Upon lifting the item, Claughton realized that there were other items inside of it, and after taking a look, he offered the unsuspecting vendor a sum equal to about $36. The items, which include photos, concert programs, and even some audio tapes (reportedly labeled, “Abbey Road…not for release”), have not yet been authenticated, but are suspected by some to be former property of the band’s late roadie and sound technician, Mal Evans. Evans had been killed in Los Angeles in 1976 after pointing a fake gun at police and consequently being gunned down. According to witnesses, he had been carrying a suitcase, which reportedly got lost during the proceeding investigation. I still do not give a flying rat’s ass f*ck about The Beatles or anything having to do with them, but the news must be reported!
…it turns out that this find was nothing more than a fraud from a man who wanted to see his name pasted all over the media. A memorabilia expert from the British Beatles Fan Club examined the items, and found that they included photocopied ticket stubs, as well as fraudulent photographs and tapes that did not contain any sort of rare Beatles recordings. Good, because I detest The Beatles, thanks to my dad.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Jeremy Botter on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.
Cheers
-JF2k4!
