The Ross Report: All the news you can shake a stick at – 21st August 2004

Ever since Pulse started, all of the news seems to have gotten a bit, well, lame. It’s not just here, it’s everywhere else too – so we does the best with what we got, and this week we’ve got a lot of news about a bunch of nobodies, so let’s get down and boogie with the barrel-scraping goodness.

Newsbit: Norris “Hardbody” Harrison is a mutha-f*ckin’ P-I-M-P!!!:

Cracking story about a guy who I’d never heard of before – apparently, he was in WCW back in the late 90s and sued the group for holding him down as he’s a black fella. They settled out of court with one of the agreements being putting the World Title on Booker T. Probably. Either way, he’s now working the bitches on 110th street, making them f*ck for their breakfast. He got picked up by the cops and went to jail where he will stay until I start caring enough to inform you he got let out.

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CAN *YOU* HANDLE THE TRUTH?

The Rock is a grade-A, absolutely primo top chap who deserves his success and all the accolades that come his way, most recently being that he’s become a High Chief in Samoan society. Now my knowledge of Samoa and its related behaviour is zero but I can only presume that being dubbed a High Chief is the equivalent of an English fellow becoming a Knight, so that’s pretty good on any count, especially when you consider he’s what? About 35? Good for him, I say. Let’s hope he finds a good balance between doing nice and juicy supporting actor parts to build himself up in Hollywood whilst not forgetting to come home and visit once in a while, if for no other reason than to annoy Eric.

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Newsbit: A million bucks up for grabs in Tough Enough 4!!!:

Yep, the kitty for the next series of the reality wrestling training show is up to a cool million – but it’s over 4 years and the fine print says that this earning is subject to standard contract ts and cs. Some people have started saying “oooh, that means they might not get it!” Well, duh! You really expect them to sign a contract that says “here, you get X money over 4 years regardless of your behaviour! Congrats!” They did that with the Big Show and Mark Henry over more than 4 years apiece and look where it got them… Complacency rules when you don’t have to adhere to agreed terms. There’s nothing untowards in what WWE are doing. Now if they’d said that they would pay the guy a million upon successful completion of 4 years, that’d be a different matter.

Tough Enough is a funny thing. Who has it produced so far? It’s not exactly a glowing success, is it? On the pathetic end of things, you’ve got Linda Miles who was useful for a while as Shaniqua until her attitude took over, on the pretty useless side of things, you’ve got Rat-boy Josh Matthews, you’ve got Christopher Nowinski in the massive disappointment category (coulda been a contendah!), Nidia had her use but now is in completely over her head on RAW, Maven is a very solid jobber but you can pick them up for a dime a dozen, I’m still waiting to see when Matt Cappotelli gets called up and I have no idea why Johnny Nitro was canned, the kid was a blast. Basically, the only person who actually has the chance now to shrug off the tag of Tough Enough winner (which does sort of downgrade them right away) is Miss Jackie, who is doing very well on Smackdown with Charlie Haas thank you very much – and would fit into the Elizabeth role to Haas’ Randy Savage if they felt like actually using him for something entertaining.

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PAUSE FOR THOUGHT

Penn State offer a University course in Wrestling. I have to absolutely shake my head at this. Homework assignments include researching the web and watching RAW. Long live the American education system, that’s all I have to say on that…

Mind you, some crappy Universities over here offer Degree courses in such amazing subject as Flower Management, Hill Walking and, amazingly enough, David Beckham.

I thought Penn State was meant to be one of the fairly decent Universities?

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Newsbit: Wavell Starr wrecks the brand split!!!:

Some jobber is wrestling on Heat and Velocity this week. People on the internet are speculating as to whether WWE will call him different names to cover up the faux-pas of having a chap appear on both brands. I’m speculating as to whether I care. And that’d be a big fat no.

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COMING TO A CINEMA NEAR YOU…

With nothing but time – and rubber marks – on his hands after the unfortunate Porsche accident of the late 80s, Terry Allen invests his time and money into an undercover detective agency, determined to locate the best whores in the world. His trail leads him to LA where he finds an illicit flesh-ring containing lookie-likies that you can rent for a limited period and do whatever carnal act you wish to indulge in to ringers for Kim Basinger, Russell Crowe, Guy Pearce and, for the very disturbed, Danny DeVito. TA’s snooping leads him to Norris “Hardbody” Harrison, who complains about being black then lobs Magnum’s wheelchair off the pier.

Thanks, as always, to Andy Campbell.

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Newsbit: John Cena Word Life Foam Sucks!!!:

WWE.com “hilariously” blundered when advertising Cena’s “Foam Knucks”. Their description of them became 100% spot on after their boo-boo, and not only appropriate for the item of merch, but also for the increasingly dead-duck who’ll end up with about 5% of the royalties. Yeah, I don’t like Cena much, bite me.

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And that brings us to a halt for this week, I thought I was off to Monkeyworld (www.monkeyworld.org) and then on to Portland to spend the weekend with my Parents, but my bitch of a wife has decided to throw a wobbler again and that she doesn’t want to go, even though it’s my f*cking birthday weekend. I love it when she does that, it’s so endearing.