The Midnight News 08.26.04

I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News Omega.

News is light this week… but I managed to overstuff this column with equal parts semi-useful information and all-around fun stuff.

I wasn’t around on Monday because I had THINGS TO DO. So piss on you.

Anyway… off we go…

BUT, PLUGS

Ohhhh, let’s see who won a thousand dollars NOW rather than making you wait (scroll) to the end of the column.

That’s right, one of you lucky c-suckers is one thousand dollars richer. You all registered in the forums, you all eagerly awaited the questions, you all answered, and you all bitched at Widro and Scooter for making their questions too vague (MY question was, of course, perfect)… now is the time. The time is now.

Which one of you assholes won a grand? $1’000 American? Who will get to go nuts at their nearest Comic shop? Who will go ballistic at their nearest DDR game? Who plans on taking their grand and doing nothing but dance, dance, DANCE???

And the winner is…. the winner of the Inside Pulse $1000 Sweepstakes… the winner of a REAL contest with a REAL prize… something NONE of these IWC F*ckwits could have possibly IMAGINED… is….

Not yet.

I have told Widro that I want a REAL NAME to announce, not some lame ass forum code name… so I suggest everyone reading who played in the sweepstakes RUN, not walk, SPRINT to their e-mail boxes and log into the forum and check their private messages and GET THE INFORMATION TO WIDRO

I will NOT hand one thousand beans to someone named “Ortonroolz” (that’s just an example… it isn’t the winner)

Oh don’t worry, the check is ready…. it’s going out… but now someone better come and CLAIM that motherfukka… or we’ll give it to the one who came in second.

IN-DEPTH SMACKDOWN AND TNA REPORT

Smackdown featured, among other things: JBL’s continued quest to throw his manservant, the most assuredly BLACK Orlando Jones at the Undertaker. Eddie and Kurt Angle are up to no good, there’s a daring new tag team about to be born, Rey Mysterio gets Olympical, with MordecaiMania running wild, a NEW star is introduced, the world gets its first look at the repackaged Heindenboch or whoever his name is, and why is Teddy Long so PISSY? It’s two heavily produced hours of OUTRAGEOUSNESS!!

NWATNA continued its slow leak to death with one of the last 2 hour PPVs. I believe this one featured two hours of Jeff Jarrett explaining how Vince McMahon never saw his true star power, and Vince Russo trying desperately to repackage himself… again. This is a weekly occurance now.

Now the FUN part… in the race to spoil Smackdown, who rules the week?…

Of course, since the show was held in Fresno, with the three hour time delay… time was all goofy and NO ONE got there report in on Tuesday night.

Or most of Wednesday morning… someone decided to SLEEP INNNNNNNNNN! Youy lazy dickheads… what comes first? Sleep or being THE BEST????

Bah…

WEDNESDAY August 25, 2004: 7:50 AM: In SHOCKING twist, the LORDS OF PAIN beat Meltzer… Scherer… Ryder… Keller… friggin’ EVERYONE to the punch!!!!! Some homo named CALVIN MARTIN found a report from Justin “Locura” Pratt in his mailbox and shoved that sucker online BEFORE ANYONE!!

WEDNESDAY August 25, 2004: 1:35:00 PM: Dave Meltzer grew sick of waiting for his audience to step-to and called McMahon personally for the results… he posted his (WITHOUT any byline, so no one sent it to him) spoliers on the OBSERVER website. Ironically, Meltzer didn’t OBSERVE that he was punked out by a site called THE LORDS OF PAIN… ha!. So, a full FIVE HOURS AND 45 MINUTES after the results made it to the Net, Meltzer pipes up.

WEDNESDAY August 25, 2004: 2:10:00 PM: Scherer gets home from lugging coke bottles and fast walking at his gym’s treadmill and slaps his spoilers up from the mysteriously named N Lindstrom for PWInsider. Noticing that two sites already beat him to the punch, Scherer sells his results as “EXTRA-SPECIAL, EXTRA-DETAILED results. Then he went back to thinking up more hilarious catchphrases for him and his site.

WEDNESDAY August 25, 2004: (no time given): The race is on as 411’s Ashish and Inside Pulse’s Murtz Jaffer try to be the FIRST site to steal the results from the PWInsider and paste it on their site. Who made it first? Inside Pulse, naturally.

WEDNESDAY August 25, 2004: 3:36:41 PM: 1Wrestling’s Bob Ryder said, “Fine, you’all want WWE crap even though the fine TNA product is a HELL of a lot better? Here’s yer damn results and I hope you CHOKE ON THEM, YA SCUMBAGS!!” His results were also from Justin “Locura” Pratt… he just took his sweet gosh darn ass time gettin’ them up!!

WEDNESDAY August 25, 2004: 1:52:00 PM – as of this writing (5:00:00 PM): Desperate, humilated, and PISSED OFF, the PWTorch’s Wade Keller openlky started to beg for ANYONE to cough up some spoilers! Keller’s so mad, he couldn’t bring himself to write it up again, he just pasted last week’s open begging and forgot to change a few words to make it current: We are still looking to receive a report on last night’s Smackdown tapings in Fresno, Calif. If you attended and can send us a report, that would be much appreciated! If you’re attending next week’s Sacramento, Calif. Smackdown tapings, please consider sending us a report on the show afterward. Poor Wade… the supposedly second most important sheet writer ALIVE, is looking at a whole Tuesday without knowing what happened.

Hey asshole… CUT AND PASTE…. re-arrange the words and make up some name to pass off as a reader. Sure it’s dishonest BUT NO ONE CARES AND YOU WON’T LOOK LIKE A MORON!!!

Ah, but there’s MORE… it seems Chavo Guerrero was shaken up after his match with Billy Kidman. WHO REPORTED IT FIRST???

WEDNESDAY August 25, 2004: 2:15:00 PM: Scherer talks to one of his old ECW friends and gets the scoop first. LOP, 411, and this site race to paste

WEDNESDAY August 25, 2004: Neither the Observer, 1wrestling, or the Torch have reported this story. Wade Keller was heard to say: “How can anyone have gotten hurt? As far as the Torch is concerned, there WAS no show until we get the results…. FUCK!!!!

So what did we learn?

1) The Lords of Pain can sometimes pull a rabbit out of their asses.

2) NO ONE reads the Lords of Pain

3) Meltzer doesn’t care.

4) Ryder hates you

5) Scherer REALLY is an asshole

6) Who needs Ashish when Murtz does all the big work, and Widro doesn’t have to co-own the site with him

7) And people laugh at Wade Keller.

8) Hyatte rules.

CHAPTER & VERSE

I want to comment on the latest Raw a little… and also let you in on a few little secrets about it.

If you ever REALLY want to know if a girl likes you, watch how wannabe Diva Maria behaved once the Rock entered the ring. That chick was MOIST and TOTALLY crushing on homeboy. She hardly took her eyes off him. Her entire demeanor changed the moment he was in the ring. Girl was hot for him.

Oh and you better BELIEVE the Rock noticed… he was just real smooth about it.

The entire wedding angle was brillaint. No, it was f-ing BRILLIANT. Every single moment of it was perfect. The whole thing was played out beautifully. Kane’s facial reactions… brilliant. Lita’s attitude… brilliant. Bischoff’s smarm… brilliant. The Justice of the Peace… drunk and brilliant. Matt Hardy… brilliant.

Trish Stratus… not needed but a BRILLIANT excuse for managment to trot her out in her underwear ONLY because she hasn’t done a half-naked appearence in a while. And she almost stole the whole damn story.

This was a seriously BRILLIANT segment… and those people who sniff at it because it ate up precious RASSLIN’ TIME… blow me. Suck my f-ing crank, assholes. Get OVER it… THEY DON’T DO THIS SHIT ALL THE TIME, HOW ABOUT WE TRY APPRECIATATING A WELL-EXECUTED EXTENDED BIT THAT IS GOING TO HELP GIVE MATT HARDY A GODDAM ROLE ON TV AFTER MONTHS OF NOTHING FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE MARK-ASS LIVES????

Jesus! F-ing douchebags. I’m not done yelling about them… hell no. More later.

ANYWAY… as it has been reported, Bischoff didn’t exactly QUOTE from the Bible, but read from a more story-line synched Bible-like passage… however, what evryone else has seemed to miss is just how hilarious a joke the Bible reading was.

No, you don’t get it. Bischoff’s Bible reading was the ULTIMATE joke… a TRULY ingenious little barb from someone in creative. It was a joke on the level of The Simpsons… seriously. It was so inside that while most people found it funny, those who got it found it hysterical. It was a layered shot.

See, Bischoff read from EPHESIANS a (made up) verse on the glory of marriage and sex… but the joke is just exactly WHAT the Bible REALLY said about marriage in this section… which makes the reading balls out hilarious

Here are some examples:

But fornication, and all uncleanness or covetetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints: Ephesians 5:3

Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks 5:4

For this ye know, that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolator, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God 5:5

And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them. 5:11

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord 5:22

For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and he is the savior of the body. 5:23

Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their husbands in every thing. 5:24

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it 5:25 (the chapter that Bischoff claimed to be reading from)

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh 5:31

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and that the wife see that she reverence her husband 5:33

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the world, against spiritual wickedness in high places 6:12

See, Bischoff was more “in character” than you even realized!

Again… sheer brilliance.

Someone’s going to hell for this. Probably me, for some goddam f*cking reason.

AN ATTACK FROM THE MCMAC

Yes, it’s him. Yes, he’s back. No, this isn’t a ruse.

Vince McMahon has sent in another segment for this column.

LOOK GODDAMMIT!! IT’S THE REAL DEAL!! WILL YOU TRUST ME FOR ONCE!!!!

Yeah yeah yeah, I know I’ve burned you before with that DUDE acting like Tammy Sytch…. but this is different… I can’t say how it is, but I swear, its him.

Anyway, this week Vince opens his mailbox and answers YOUR questions! This is gonna be GREAT!

AN ATTACK FROM THE MCMAC

I’m listening…

Hello once again, my friends!

Happily, you’ve caught me in a delightful mood. I’m always happy after delivering an extra-thrilling week of World Wrestling Entertainment television. In the spirit of disclosure, I will admit to sometimes not being completely thrilled with the end results of our televised product, but this week, I am proud to announce full satisfaction on the part of myself and my company. The climatic, engaging wedding between the Big Red Machine, Kane and his reluctant Bride, Lita was the WWE at our finest! All cylinders were operating at full speed, all participants hit their marks with the fluidity of a well-oiled machine. On live television, no less. Remarkable. I could not be any more excited about the future of the WWE, and the next great adventures that you will vicarously join us in. Sit back, friends, the best is yet to come!

With that in mind, I wanted to use my forum this week to hear what you have to say. After all, without you, our loyal fans who are the ultimate decision-makers on the direction of the brands, we would still be running shows in smeared carnival tents sliding on camel feces and stale peanut shells. So, I am taking it upon myself to open my virtual mailbag and answer YOUR questions.

As expected, when given an opportunity to access my mind, you come running like locusts to the veritable cornfields. Even with two assistants working full time could I possibly get to all of your e-mails. Fret not, as with all challenges that had lain before me, I shall perservere and give you all exactly what you want. A moment, be it a glimpse or full access to my mind. I am happily offering my thoughts, and by default the thoughts of the WWE and the state of Professional Wrestling , to you – the audience.

So, how can I assist you today?

Dear Mr. McMahon,

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. I have watched and enjoyed your work for 20 years, and will probably do so for al
least another 20. Hyatte’s okay too.

Niceties aside, I wanted to ask you opinion about the women on the show. Over the years, the portrayal of women, not only on your
respective shows, but in wrestling in general, have been very negative, from caustic bitches to vacuous airheads, uptight prudes to sleazy trollops, with
positive role-models almost non-existant over the years.

Recently, you have been criticised by your former employee Sable for the sexist and mysogynistic attitudes toward the women on the show, and
as an extention women in general. The recent Diva search has drawn heavy fire from crowds and critics alike, for showing the Diva hopefuls as nothing
but clueless sexual eye candy.

With the WWEs ratings and show attendance mired in a slump, and considering that the vast majority of the WWE’s current fanbase is male, have you, or would you, consider a drastic turn around in the portayal of women on your show, in an effort to promote female role-models that young women could be proud to look up to, and perhaps garner interest from a large impressionable mainstream teenage female demographic, as yet untapped by the WWE, or any other wrestling promotion?

Respectfully,

Bruce

Well said, my boy, well said.

WWE Divas are well-paid. They all are presented a storyline to participate in and are given the opportunity to accept it or turn it down or even offer their own salient suggestions. We do not shovel these stories down their throats like so much trough-waste. They have the right to choose their own destinies. We merely offer them suggested directions which will harvest tremondous fortune for them.

The WWE is on constant alert to capture the elusive beast that is the female demographic. We feel we are just a few tweaks away from achieving that task. Stay tuned.

As for Sable. I wish her well in whatever future she chooses to embrace.

hi, im 13 and my dream is to become a wrestler do you have any advice for me?

WWE Fan

Yes. Reach for the stars with confidence and moxie. Follow your heart bravely and unerringly! And live in the gym.

Any plans on bringing back Steve Austin

WWE Fan

Stone Cold is always welcome to come back home, but like the free spirit that he is, he has chosen to explore his surroundings and graze upon the nook of opportunity. I owe Stone Cold a tremendous debt of thanks for his service to my company, but I hardly think anyone would disagree that the debt he owes me is slightly greater.

I eagerly look forward to the day my phone rings and Steve Austin is on the line with a plan to make his triumphant return.

Hello, We are in Ohio. I have the absolute best Steve Austin Lookalike available if you ever want to use him in an angle, let us know.
THANK YOU,

DAVID

Hmm, now this is an individual who knows how to seize and opportunity by its very throat and squeeze. We shall be in touch, sir.

Dear Vince

Great column as always. Hyatte should suck your plums for deigning to appear in his column. In fact, he probably already does.

Question – your bag man Jim Ross said recently that “TNA is not the enemy”. I wonder if that’s the official line. Even you must admit that life hasn’t been as fun since you crushed the last opposition in WCW. Now TNA may be where the drug addicts that you kick off your roster end up, but even so they’re making some headway. Spotted anyone that interests you, or is it not on your radar yet?

Keep up the good work – over here in the UK we’re still big sports entertainment fans. FYI, there’s a Wrestling Channel on satellite over here now. Everything but, as it were.

All the best, Mark (Bournemouth, UK)

I shall not divulge any observations on my part about the newest chapter of “good ol’ boys” rasslin’ that has helped bring my business back down to its shoeless, tobacco chewin’ roots.

However, mind your words more carefully in the future, boy. Jim Ross is a trusted employee and a close, personal friend of mine. He is not my “bag man”. I’m not sure I like the connotation. As a matter of fact, I know I don’t.

I was gonna send this to Hyatte… oh, nevermind.

I thought it was great the way you, eeks sorry… Vince, ahhh no, you! Ok got it… that you… were talking about spell-check deficient news rags, and made it seem you done your best to banish any spelling deficiencies of your own, alas….

‘trying to peak into the window’

Peek, my son, peek!

Just thought you’d like to know. Oh, and Vince… Hyatte pwns all and Meltzer IS TEH SUXX0RZ!!!! I’m glad you share my view on this as I bid you good day.

~Lee~

I do not know what you are rattling on about, but perhaps one day you will understand that once you reach a certain point in life, be it spiritual or financial, you will no longer worry about such trivialities as an erroneously placed word. On second thought, I have strong doubts that you will ever reach such a blissful state.

Give it up, fartf*cker.

A Coward who refused to divulge his name.

Give what up? And just because your parents, specifically your mother, raised you to participate in such obsenities as fornication with the orifice that releases methane gas, please refrain from assuming we all take part in such degradation.

I love Stephanie, can I f*ck her ass until her fake nips bleed?

Richard

Who the hell do you think you are? How dare you speak to me about my daughter like that! You vacuous puddle of walrus bile. You ape-like inconsequential dust mote! I will trace your account and personally feed your grandmother your crust-enriched toes after I hack them off with a rusted out, feces covered butter knife! Don’t you DARE talk to or about my daughter like that! You pimple! You toxic boil nestled deep within the unwiped crevice of a dead elephant’s ass. I can find you, my friend. I can find all of you and personally eradicate you all from the face of this planet’s history books!

And no one will miss you!

I am sorely disappointed in you all. This may have been a major mistake. One I shall not soon make again.

I pray for your brutal, violent deaths, you putrid bags of rat excrement. Die as you have lived: poor, alone, and pathetic.

Die.

And that’s my Attack.

Oh you BASTARDS!!

IF YOU RUIN THIS FOR ME I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!!!!!!!!

You better goddam apologize and you better make it authentic… and you BETTER start asking him some REAL questions

DON’T BLOW IT, ASSHOLES!!! Or do you LIKE AIM chats? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I’LL REPLACE THIS WITH!! TONS AND TONS OF AIM CHATS!!!

Oh man… I’m sorry Mr. McMahon… please, don’t stop doing these. God, please.

Here, I’ll cheer him up by busting some MAJOR dirt-sheet balls now…

SOILED SHEETS

Here on the Internet… the smarks know ALL, and have no problems explaining in precise detail WHY they know all. This has been the one constant on the net since I first rolled into town too many years ago. It never changes.

But HOW do they know all? Why, they listen to their BETTERS.

No, not ME… don’t be silly. Oh, they LISTEN to me, but they don’t admit it. Hyatte is the worst. Hyatte sucks. Hyatte doesn’t know ANYTHING.

Who do they listen to? Why, REPORTERS of course… the rabble rousers… the inside commentators… the ones who tell you ALL what to think.

In short, they listen to Dave Meltzer, Dave Scherer, and Wade Keller.

They listen to Dave Meltzer, a man who wrote this in his latest newsletter:

John “Earthquake” Tenta, 41, received word on 8/11 that he has a new cancerous tumor is his left lung, and he has two enlarged lymph nodes in his heart. He has been battling cancer for some time. He’s doing four-a-day chemotherapy sessions, and has been given 13 to 18 months to love…

Read that last sentence again, focus on the last word.

Yes, Meltzer, the SERIOUS, NO-NONSENSE, I’VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 20 YEARS, journalist that ALL OF YOU WORSHIP, had announced that Tenta has only 12-18 months left to find someone to love.

THAT’S your God?

Then there is Dave Scherer, ANOTHER man you read religiously… Mr. Straight Shooter with a hint of Comedy. The man who makes it LOUD AND CLEAR that no one else – not Meltzer and not Keller, means shit to anyone…. HE is the man to listen to!

Well, upon celebrating his website’s six-month anniversay, this is how Dave handled it:

Six months ago today, I went to the gym, like I usually do on a Tuesday. Little did I know that when I would get back from working out, my life was about to change forever.

That isn’t to say that I didn’t know that change was coming. Surely I did. In the preceding week or so, after negotiations went southward, I had given my notice to 1Wrestling.com and had worked out a release to leave the site and start PWInsider.com. So, I knew I was leaving and I figured it would be a situation that would probably lead to surprise among at least some people that followed the site. I also knew that there would be a lot of effort required to get the new site up and running. For that, I was ready.

What I wasn’t prepared for, however, was to be open for business on January 27, since the announcement was not supposed to be made that soon. But as I found out that day when I got back from the gym, our January 28th launch (which had been moved up from our originally planned February 1 opening due to the story of us leaving starting to make its way out to the masses) got pushed up by a day as on the afternoon of the 27th, Joey Styles and Bob Ryder decided to break the news of Buck Woodward, Mike Johnson, Jess McGrath and myself leaving their site and starting this one. And at that moment, PWInsider.com was officially an online entity.

Looking back at it now, it seems both like we have been here forever but also that we just opened for business yesterday. It’s truly an amazing dynamic in that the first days of PWInsider.com are still so fresh in my mind, but also that we have settled in so nicely here that it’s hard to believe that we were ever anywhere else. This is home and it feels like it always has been.

To say that site has been a success would be a huge understatement. In fact, in six months we have far exceeded all that I could have possibly hoped we would ever be but because of all of our Elite members, we were already flush on day one. When I got home from the gym on January 27, there were hundreds of subscriptions waiting to be set up. I was floored by the fact that so many of you would support us, sight unseen, by going into your wallets and ensuring that from the beginning the site would be a success. There just aren’t the proper words for me to tell you how much it meant to me to get that kind of endorsement before we had even officially opened the site. Since it would impossible to do justice to my feelings towards your support, I will just say thank you all for your faith in what we wanted to do here. As we have said before, the best way anyone can show support for what we do here at the site is by signing up for an Elite membership and I was touched at what each and every one of you did so again, I say thanks.

I also have to thank Buck, Mike and Jess for walking away from a known, paying job to join the staff here. You all took a big chance and I appreciate your show of support in what I wanted to do here more than I can ever say. Your superior work has helped make this site what it is today, and I appreciate it more than I can tell you. So thank you guys, and thanks also go out to all of the columnists and contributors who jumped over to the site when we opened and have posted your missives here on these pages. All of your hard work is appreciated more than I could ever tell you as well.

Of course, I also want to thank all of the readers for your support as well. As I have always said, without all of you, there is no us. Thanks for six great months and we look forward to 600 more!

Now let’s count how many times he bragged about going to the gym:

“Six months ago today, I went to the gym” ONE… In the very first sentence… just to make sure you all saw.

“Little did I know that when I would get back from working out” TWO… in the second sentence… just to make sure you knew WHY he was at the gym.

“But as I found out that day when I got back from the gym” THREE…. early in the third paragraph, because Dave clearly didn’t think he got his point across the first and second time.

“When I got home from the gym on January 27, ” FOUR…. towards the end of this small article… the “go home” plug.

So, in a brief little note of thanks to all of you imbeciles who paid to read this nonsense… he brags about finding his way to a weight bench FOUR TIMES. Suddenly, it stopped being a thank you note and became a lecture on how in shape he is!

And that’s not all…. while scanning through his old columns for more evidence that he is a hopeless imbecile, I found this… it’s Dave RELATING to Hulk Hogan:

Hogan is in good shape but eats normal food, such as eggs and hot dogs for breakfast. Then, after he had hip surgery, he was laying in bed eating takeout food. At the end, he was eating Pringles out of a can. I popped for that. I appreciated it because he understands that if you work out, you don’t have to eat food that stinks.

YES, Hogan FINALLY gets what Dave Scherer has known for MONTHS… that working out means you can EAT THE FOOD YOU LOVE!!! NOW, the Hulkster understands what it’s like to be in Scherer-World…. NOW he can be a Scherer-Maniac

Dave Scherer, clearly, is more concerned with putting himself over than any of this wrestling bullshit.

This, my friends, is a douchebag.

AND YOU MORONS PAY TO READ HIM!!!

Finally, Wade Keller wants to be the REAL reporter around these parts… he wants to be the one EVERYONE takes most seriously…

How does he do this? By being the becon… the TORCH BEARER… of professional writing…

And he has NO QUALMS with dispensing lectures on why the Torch NEVER publishes nonsense writing… oh and believe me, this IS a lecture, and wannabe Torch newsletter member Derek Burgan (who has a job here whenever he wants to break out of that professional HELL that he’s stuck in) is the man getting it:

I disagree with using ungrammatically recognized symbols in published writing. The goal or writing is to be clear and concise, not cute and clubhouse-ish. If you come across as if you’re creating your own cool code or reinventing the wheel, you turn people away or confuse them.

There are so many words out there to choose from to cover every level of excitement you’re trying to convey that if you don’t have a deep enough vocabulary that you need to add a squiggly to get your point across, instead try picking up a thesaurus. Chances are there is a precise word that you can use instead of falling back on making up a new grammatical symbol added onto another word.

I’ve never read a sentence ending with an exclamation mark and said, “Gee, what is a lower-case L or a numeral one doing at the end of that sentence instead of or a period?” Even if the ! rubs up against the last letter of the previous word, I doubt given the context there are many people who stop in their tracks, scratch their heads, and wonder what’s going on. I can’t say the same thing about the usage of the ~.

It’s why I dislike usage of more than one exclamation mark in a row, or saying “VERY” instead of “very.” The words you choose should express your thought enough without having to add visuals. This isn’t a personal attack, Derek, just what I believe when it comes to this sort of thing. This applies to WWE’s books, too. Whenever I see bolded words or large words in anything, I think either “he doesn’t know what word to use, so he’s using a weaker word and making it big” or “he’s trying to draw attention to himself.”

The English language is wonderful because you aren’t limited to a handful of words that fail to properly differentiate meaning. In fact, journalism tries to sway writers away from using adjectives and adverbs. I know, that goes against everything you learned in third grade, but the point is, there is usually one word that says the same thing as two (“very big” vs. “huge”; “very excited” vs. “elated”). Someone without the vocabulary to find the single word ought not give up and begin using adjectives (much less bigger and bolder words with squigglies and exclamation points), they ought to seek out the one word that magically captures everything they’re trying to say instead.

I’m far from perfect in any of the above, but I haven’t completely given up by falling back on shortcuts or making up new rules.

Itallics are conventional, i.e. accepted as proper and appropriate within English to accentuate a word. I’m generally too lazy to add the HTML code, but I have nothing against it when not overdone. Like anything, if you do it all the time, the water level evens out and then you have to underline and increase the size to get the same meaning that one well-chosen word would have accomplished otherwise.

Generally, I think really creative people who think outside the box (like Derek [Burgan]) tend to want to break the conventions of grammar. I think the wisdom comes from understanding and respecting conventions fully before breaking them, and then only breaking from them judiciously and rarely when there’s no other way to accomplish the same thing. All rules are off with personal letters, emails, or fanzines, but in a published journalism world, conventions are as worthy of respect as following the conventions of a karate dojo (bowing before you enter the room, referring to instructors by Mr. or Ms., and lining up before class in order of belt ranking).

Derek, we don’t make up terms. We use terms that are used within the industry we cover. Boo Boo Facing and Schmoz are wrestling terms, like it or not, so we use them. Same with every other term you listed. We cover the “clubhouse,” we don’t create our own “clubhouse.” That’s the difference. There is a writing style that says, “Hey, look at me me me.” There’s a writing style that puts the author in the background and tells a story or asserts a perspective where the author isn’ the centerpiece of what’s being written. Ironically, the latter approach tends to work better at becoming known because generally people don’t read an article because of who’s writing, they read an article because of how the author writes about the subject they care about and enhances their enjoyment of the subject. It’s the difference between trying to create a cult persona versus creating a reputation as a writer through provocative analysis of the subject you’re addressing. You’ve got plenty of skill at the latter, so there’s really no need for you to fall back on “BIG TEXT” et al as evidence of your creativity.

Wade Keller… champion of the way things OUGHT to be.

Now, let me offer a smidge of advice to these three…

to Dave Meltzer: Part of getting paid for this means you have to go the extra step, PROOFREAD, YOU DUMB FUCK

to Dave Scherer: No one, and I mean NO ONE gives a flying rat f*ck about you and your work-out regime. No one likes you. Very few people respect you. You are read because you have a few ECW friends still in the WWE. Every time you work to put yourself over, you look like a major asshole. You DON’T HAVE THE PERSONALITY to be a successful writer. You HAVE to break stories. Stick with what you have. Oh, and I’ll cut off my cock if you don’t look like every middle aged goofball in every gym in the country who lumbers around red faced and huffing and never takes off your sweaty, long sleeved sweatshirt. You’re the living walrus.

to Wade Keller: Lighten up Wade. Jesus Christ. You KNOW you don’t have any personality. We know this too. We accept it and don’t mind it because you don’t even try to put one over. But trying to cover for your utter lack of humor by crowing about your professional style of writing is just SILLY… plus I’ve gotten a few issues of the Torch… you aren’t exactly King of the Proofreaders either, pal.

Douchebags.

MITCHELL ON THE SCOOTER

Uh oh, it looks like the Torch’s resident rabble rouser, Bruce Mitchell, has FINALLY deemed Scott Keith worthy of his notice.

In his latest hard hitting “feature-length” essay for the Torch, Bruce looked over the landscape of published books about professional wrestling and found them WANTING….

Then, he specifically targetted Scott Keith with this quote:

Then there’s Scott Keith, who took Dave Meltzer (Tributes) and Pat McNeill’s (All the Tables Were Broken) trick of rewriting old columns and selling them as books and turned it into a cottage industry. Keith’s books of old internet columns like The Buzz On Pro Wrestling and In This Ring are a half-baked mix of bad history mixed with rewritten storylines.

To be honest, I only read part of Buzz and none of the rest of the series. The switching back and forth between pro wrestling angles and cracked semi-history gave me a headache. The publisher sent Keith’s first book to me after e-mailing to see if I’d be interested in reviewing it.

“Who’s Scott Keith?” I honestly e-mailed back. I’ve felt guilty about that one for years.

On the other hand, Hunter Thompson pulled the exact same trick with his new book Hey Rube. Well, he was a wrestling writer long before I was.

OOoo, MEEEEOW.

While I’m in the advice giving mood, please allow me to butt in on this topic, which has absolutely NOTHING to do with me, and explain something to Brucie…

You had me RIGHT UP until you compared Scooter to Pat McNeill’s book. McNeill was SELF-PUBLISHED… a total VANITY project. No publisher would have anything to do with McNeill’s miserably BORING, hopelessly UNINSIGHTFUL columns that have no business being played off as good…. or intelligent.

I don’t like Scott’s work much either, I think I made that clear, but Scott has something Pat McNeill’s could never have… a solid fanbase that actually spends MONEY to read his work.

Plus, Bruce, oh Bruce… Scott’s got 3 books in the can and is planning for his CONTRACTED fourth… how many do you have written again? Where’s “All The Tables Were Broken 2”?

Everything else I pretty much agree with… but don’t try to make Pat McNeill seem even remotely credible… you just end up looking like a hick. Oh, shit… that’s right… I heard you’re voice. You ARE a hick.

Another cocksucker.

INSIDE THE PULSE

The site is three weeks old, yeah? Well, I thought you might like an update as to general moral here:

Scotsman is annoyed with Widro

Flea is enraged at Widro

Grut is remembered just why he stopped doing his wrestling columns

Eric is still Eric

Scott Keith is still getting lots of fresh sex and suddenly “ranting” has tumbled several notches down his Must-Do List

Gloomchen is posting pics of herself in a serious bid to be the “hot IWC babe”

-I may have to finger Gloomchen one of these days.

-Daniels is doing all the behind the scenes work, and is apparently amazed that anything he puts together actually works.

-Suddenly, Murtz Jaffer is IMMing me as if we’re the best of friends.

-I have no clue if Trish Stratus – the fake one and the real one – is even aware that I am not at 411 anymore.

-The comics zone is up, running, and rocking.

-The sports zone is up, running, and rolling.

-The music zone is up, rocking, and… oh I just don’t have time to look. I’m busy, dammit.

-I have the Forum under a tight leash and things are rolling smoothly there. Join in, you won’t be embarrassed.

-The Mods at the 411 forum NOW DECIDE to make comments about me… when I was there no one said shit.

-Widro seems happy.

-Widro swears I’m getting my typical readership… so where are the e-mails?

-I’m actually rather content now.

So to sum up… top guys are not happy, Scooter’s getting flaky, Grut is getting depressed, Widro is blocking more and more people, Daniels may be in over his head, and suddenly Murtz Jaffer is back in my life.

Who’da thought I’d end up being the most steady person on this ship?

A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

*Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes on one foot.*

And just like that, you’re already a little smarter than you were 3 seconds ago!

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:

WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON”¦

“¦country music?

I don’t know nothin’ from country less their names are Willie, Waylon, George, or Conway.

Flea: A man who hates, HATES the sound of crumbling paper. Who knows why, but it’s a surefire way to get rid of him.

Conway? Think Flea spent a weekend or two in a tent at Twitty City? I think he did and I DEFINTELY think he shouted, “YEEEEHAW” a few times.

A LIVE MIC = DANGER

High and low… oh Lordy, Hyatte searched HIGH AND LOW for some of these..

Audience participation, blatant stealing from sites, and RAMPANT lifting from various message boards scored me this week’s KILLER line-up… TONS of old school stuff here!

We start off with something recent… like from a few days ago. Great stuff, great writing, great facial expressions…. and Stratus in underwear for no reason other than creative knew it’s been a while since they trotted her out in underwear..

Enjoy, the Kane/Lita wedding vows!

01): In the spirit of being unique, I understand that the couple have decided to write their own vows. Kane?– Pastor/Reverend, Justice of the Peace/guy who performed the ceremony.

(pause as Kane daintily pulls his vows from his tuxedo pocket)

Lita. When I first chose you to carry my seed. I thought of you as simply an instrument, nothing more. But as the days have passed, I’m happy to say, that you are more than just the woman carrying my child. You are now… my property. You are mine to do with as I see fit. You will never know freedom, you will never again feel the embrace of another man. For there is no escape Lita. From this day forward, until the day you die. You are mine.– Kane

Uhh, I… uh. Lita, would you like to proceed?– Reverend dude

(pause as Lita pulls her vows from between her boobs)

Kane, I hate you worse than l… I have you Kane more than life itself. You are a vile, horrible man with no soul and even though I have no choice but to marry you. I want to make it clear that I love… and will always love… Matt Hardy. The only joy I have now in life is in hoping and praying for you to suffle… to suffer a horrible accident resulting in your pain and immediate death. I sincerly hope you rot in hell.– Lita

(long pause as Kane absorbs this)

That was lovely.– Kane

(Fans laugh)

02): Welcome back to the NWA, JYD– Tony Schiavone

(Jim Cornette cuts in before the Junkyard Dog can say anything)

I wanna know why this isn’t the Midnight Express’s interview time? We just won the United States Tag Titles. And by the way where you been? Jim Cornette and the Midnight Express been out winning titles. Where you been?

I been at (bleeped number) Sycamore St. in Louisville, Kentucky….– JYD

(Long pause)

WAIT A MINUTE… THAT’S MY MOTHERS HOUSE!!!!!!!!– Cornette

That’s right! I’M YO DADDY!– JYD

03): I can’t talk to you anymore; I have to get home and wrestle my wife.– Tony Altimore: I have no clue where, when, or who this guy is

04): Bruno, you call me Judas? Who does that make YOU then?– Larry Zbyszko: WWWF TV, ’80

05): Talk to me… WARRIORS!!

(motions with his body like he’s absorbing the fan’s energy)

Last week, after years of absense, and a sporadic career… I stood face to face with the man I at one time looked upon as my mentor. It’s common knowledge that if you want to excel in any field, you study the masters, emulate the champions, model the virtues of the preeminent individuals in that particular field. You Hogan, were the model of champions, the master of everything I tried to emulate Yet last week when I looked through your eyes into your soul, I saw little or none of the virtues I remember or anybody here remembers. And if there are any, they lay shrouded beneath layers of deceit and infamy. Frankly Hogan, how your present condition manifested itself isn’t the material that needs to be analyzed, and brought to closure on the World’s number one wrestling program. Bottom line is, you sold out to mediocrity, and when that became difficult, you sold out to mindless self pity. You traded being one in a million for becoming one of the millions.

(Long pause, Warrior looks around at the crowd, possibly waiting for someone to cheer, finally giving up and continuing…)

I hear you!! Patience Warriors, patience is a great virtue. You Hogan, miscalculated. For you never assumed someone would come forward that knows the difference between a rebellion and a revolution, and that Hogan, will become your gravest mistake!! For tonight Hogan, everything that you revere is now from this moment forth threatened. Tonight Hogan, your entire world is going to turn completely upside down, for tonight, for tonight Hogan, (climbs to turnbuckle) I launch, unleash, the power of the Warriors, I let loose the O.W.N revolution, the One Warrior Nation revolution. A hero, a one time hero, with an unlimited, yet undisciplined mind, is a dangerous thing. I intend, the Warrior’s intend, to eradicate that danger. You Hogan, will be destroyed! I intend… I intend to show the World, that a revolution is built on better ideas, not belligerant idiocy!! I intend to show the world a revolution is based on magnificnence, I intend to show that a revolution is based on courage, not cowardice. And that Hogan, is all that you need to know. Next week Hogan. The revolution continues. Same Warrior time, Same Warrior place, Same Warrior channel.– Ultimate Warrior: Nitro ’98

06): Can a brother get some sauce on this?– Mark Henry: about his vegetarian dinner, on his date with Chyna

7) I have to hand it to you, Bret Hart – your feet are the smelliest there are, the smelliest there were, and the smelliest there ever will be.– Lawler, after losing the Kiss My Foot match

08): You know Tony, this match reminds me of you with your kids.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I’ve seen you whip your kids like that, you big bully.

Now Jesse, you shut up!– Ventura and Schiavone during a Sting/Vader Strap Match: SuperBrawl 3

09): I tell ya, I’m gonna enjoy that big TV ’cause when I was a kid we just had two stacked on top of each other, one had a picuture with no sound and one had sound but no picture. I know you don’t know what that’s like you whitebread honky cause you is from Smithville and you, well you so old you saw the crucifixion live!– Reggie B Fine: Memphis Wrestling

10): My first wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met– Lawler

11): I am declaring war against everyone in the WWF! And that includes you, Mr. McMahon, you, Mr. Monsoon, and YOU, Mr…. (long pause as he realizes he is fresh out of names) DAAAAAAHHHH!!!!– Vader on Raw after attacking Gorilla Monsoon

12): I meant to say earlier that’s a… lovely new coat…uhh… when are you going to give it back to Bozo the Clown?– Ed Whalin: Calgary Stampede Wrestling

13): Missy [Hyatt] is really a man. She’s a cross dresser. She hangs out with Sammartino. They shave each other’s back.– Paul E Dangerously: WCW TV ’91

14): You did it once, now lets see you do it again. One time means nothing to my career.– Ric Flair to Randy Savage after Wrestlemania VIII

15): Now you two shake hands right now, because you’re gonna HATE each other after this!– Commissioner Roddy Piper to Bret and Shawn a few weeks before Wrestlemania XII

Heh, who knew Piper would be so prophetic? What did he know that the rest of us didn’t? DID HE CHANGE THE QUESTIONS ON US AGAIN????

I’ll wrap things up here. Advice stuff underneath, but YOU don;’t care about those things do you? DO YOU???

Bun’cha perfect people – my audience. FEH!

If you want to know what I have on tap for next week, YOU’LL HAVE TO READ THE GUIDE TO LIFE!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

This is Hyatte

HYATTE’S GUIDE TO LIFE

Hey! I got two of them last week! Plenty! Well, not really… but things will pick up, I’m sure.

The first one is from my favorite sort of reader… the female variety! Yippee! She doesn’t really ask a question about her, per se, but she presents a situation and wonders what the Mighty Hyatte thinks.

The questions will be plain text, my answers in bold.

Dear Mr. Hyatte:

Cool new site. I like your column. You are a very wicked and naughty man, no? I believe you are and that, sir, is what convinces me that you will be
able to explain to me why Stone Cold Steve Austin would pay a woman $$$ so that she would LET him end his relationship with her? WTF? Why not a
simple this is not working, it isn’t you, its me, we can still be friends(ok! I don’t think that would work very well), don’t call me I’ll
call you, hit the road, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out, etc. etc.?

I know you will be able to explain. I have faith in your life advice giving wisdom.

Thank you (I had a swell time),

Patricia

P.S. Just to let you know, I believe that it is really Vinnie Mac. But I like your begging and pleading.

Patricia? Trish?? NO WAY!!!

You like my begging and pleading? You should call me one night. You ain’t heard NOTHING yet, baby.

I think he did try all of those “Baby, it ain’t you… it’s ME” lines of bullshit. Clearly, it didn’t take.

Let’s say Austin is just an innocent guy who’s trying to get rid of his crazy girl. Look at Tess Broussard, a B-movie actess who is looking at the hard side of her thirties. It’s harder and harder to maintain the bod, and her face is starting to look like it’s seen a few sandstorms. Hollywood, even the Skinemax people, like their girls young… YOUNG. Poor Tess made SOME money, but not that much. She sees this Austin, with a few bucks, sees that she isn’t getting any younger, and latches on, desperately.

Actresses are, after all, bottom line narcisists. Stone Cold is, in her mind, a shot at some money. Plus, maybe she loves him. If an actress loves you and you don’t reurn the love, they go ballistic. Narcisists. That’s why all these Hollywood marriages end badly. These people are too selfish.

Sounds silly? Hell hath no fury like… etc

Now Austin has had enough of her and wants to give her the boot, but this time… and I suspect this is closer to the truth, Austin isn’t all that nice to his women. So she is offered “shut up” money, only 1.5 million isn’t enough. She says, “add a few zeros or I’ll talk!”. He doesn’t and she goes nuts.

That is, of course, is if there was really a check. Austin hired an image spin doctor to deal with this latest women problem. Who knows WHAT happened?

Here’s what I can tell you: Austin has issues with women and the fact that he can’t wrestle anymore, Broussard has issues with rejection and probably age. Two people with these sort of issues shouldn’t be a couple. It can’t possibly work. But I’m sure the sex ROCKED.

Hyatte,

I have a question on how to distinguish between a girl that is just flirting with you to flirt and one that is really interest in you.

About 2 months ago, I was going to a Cabaret Theater performance (basically sketch comedy and rock music), and as I was walking to the
theater, I pass a group of the performers from the theater handing out fliers. One in particular, Cindy, tried to stop me, so she could give me
info on the brochures they were handing. out. One of the other girls she was with, before I had a chance to respond, said “He’s already going to
the show.” Which Cindy replied “How did you know?” The other girls response was “He looks like (insert theater name here) person”.( Note, I
was attending the Origins Gaming Convention at the time, so I was in my full Punisher Costume. Full Trench coat, Combat Boots, Utility Belt and
all.)

Anyways, I go to the theater and watch the show, and during the intermission as I’m walking to the restroom, Cindy sees me, and says
“There’s my guy.” and gives me a bumper sticker of theater. I smile at her and say thanks and proceed about my business. After the show was
over, I was milling about the theater when Cindy comes up to me and we small talk a bit, and she sticks her hand out, I hold it for a sec, I
say goodbye and kiss her on the hand. As, I’m starting to walk away, she ask, “So I guess I’ll be seeing you around here more often?”. I say “I’ll
be back this Sunday for the TV taping” She mention she would be there and that was that.

Fast forward to Sunday, I’m sitting at the theater with a friend of mine, when Cindy notices me. She says “There you are.” and she comes
over and gives me a hug. We talk a bit during the down parts of the taping, and give each other a goodbye hug, when it’s over, and she tells
me to come back when they start their new show, since she’ll be on stage then. (She had just recently started with the theater so saw doing no
performance related stuff during the current show.)

A couple weeks later, I venture to one of their lunchtime shows, and basically it’s more of the same. She comes over to my table after the
show, gives me a hug, chats with me and a friend, and I have my arm around her the entire time we were chatting. I get my friend to take a
picture of me and Cindy, and Cindy says she wants a copy of it. As I leave we have one last goodbye hug, I give her a kiss on the top of the
head and venture out..

A couple weeks later, I’m taking a friend of mine to see the show, and am waiting in line for the doors to open, when Cindy comes out to hand
out brochures again. She see me in line and says “I thought I saw your name on the list” and comes over and gives me a hug. I mention I brought
the picture and show to her. She then leaves so she can go do her job, and as she’s walking away, She looks back and says to my friend, “Thanks
for bring him back up” This theater is in Columbus, Ohio by the way, I live in Cincinnati. My friend and I are seat and before the show starts
Cindy stops by and we chat briefly and I give her the picture. She then wants me to sign it, so I sign it on the back “To Cindy, My sweetest
(insert theater name here) person ‘n stuff. Matt” (I’ve always sucked at coming up with things to write on photos) She laughs at my use of “n
stuff” and heads to the back for the start of the show. During intermission, she walks by my table and mentions she showed the picture
to everyone in back and they love it. And when the show ends, she stops back over, gives me a hug, and we chat a little more. She then says she
should get back to work, and it’s at this point I ask if she’d like to hang out sometime. She says that she is pretty hard to get a hold of and
X and Y are her only days off. I says I can work around that. (I’m off Y too) She says ok, and goes back to work. As I’m getting ready to leave
she comes over to me and we give each other a goodbye hung, and my friend and I leave the theater.

So my question is, is she actually interested in me, or am I confusing that with someone who is just naturally friendly and flirty.

Thanks,

Matt

Well, let’s see… she likes to hug you. Does she hug everyone, male and female, she sees? Is she naturally talkative and bouncy with everyone?
You’re gonna have to play detective for a little while, just observe her in action with other people. No, not STALK the bitch, I just means watch her with others. How much attention do you get? More? Less? About the same?

And when she talks to you, does she touch your arm? Is she physical? Does she play with her hair? raw attention to her face and mouth with her hands? Those are messages, slick.

How much of attention does she give you? 100%. Do she lock eyes? Does she laugh when you laugh?

Here’s a fun experiment: the next time you talk to her, alter your voice a bit lower, see if she does the same with her own. Then raise it the next time you talk, see if she does the same. Girls, without knowing it, tend to try to stay in synch with the guy they like.

This would be a sure thing if she didn’t sort of blow you off when you initiated the “let’s make a date”. She didn’t hop all over that. It means she isn’t totally psyched that you asked.

I would monitor her behavior and NOT invite her to hang on “Y” day again. The invite is out there, the ball is in her court.

Also, talk to other girls in her presense. Give her a sense of competition. If she comments on it when she has you alone, just be coy and laugh it off. Do it right and she’ll ask you out right there, if she likes you.

Ahh you crazy girls… so coy, so confusing.

I’m packing her in now, kids. Time to move on. You’ve gotten your pound of flesh from me… MORE than a pound. You’ve gotten my SOUL… my SOUL.

On Monday, the Book of the Two Week Club is BACK, BABY!! And we have movie quotes, and we have other stuff.

Oh, and do you want to know how to score a date with Trish Stratus? How about Jasmine St. Claire? No bullshit. I’ll tell you how.

I’m serious.

Got your attention NOW, don’t I? Assface.

This is Hyatte

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