Extremely late, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Look, the Usenet feed of Smackdown was munged beyond repair, so I had to rely on a slow BitTorrent feed from the usual place for wrestling torrents, and that didn’t get uploaded until Saturday morning. Plus, I was exhausted and slept most of the day Saturday, then had the Union picnic on Sunday afternoon. So, in order to compensate for the delays, I’m going to give you cretins a special bonus: the first-ever Short Forms for any TNA product, meaning both last week’s Wednesday Night Slapnuts and Impact. Will that make you happy? In fact, I’ll even cut out the non-wrestling stuff to get it in. Try getting an airline to do more for you about its delays than I am, you shitheads.
Oh, the things I do for you people, and it still doesn’t shut you up…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Rob Van Dam over Kenzo Suzuki (Pinfall, small package): This is an exemplar of everything I hate about Rob Van Dam matches. The opponent can get no real offense in because it’d disturb the flow of Van Dam getting his spots in. The shocker here was that they didn’t fit all of the spots in. No Five-Star, no Rolling Thunder. So if you’re a Van Dam fan, this match had to make you feel disappointed. Well, join the club, because any Van Dam match these days makes me feel the same way.
Billy Kidman over Chavito (Pinfall, Shooting Star Press): Actually, the better singles match between these two teams was on the outside of the ring, namely Noble versus London. Not bad for what it was, but I just had three hours of watching X Division matches before this, and it seems, well, pale in comparison to any of those.
Booker T over John Cena, Match #2 of 5, Best of Five Series For the US Title (Pinfall, Backslide): Honestly, I’ll pay attention to Match #5. Until then, I won’t care.
Kurt Angle over Rey-Rey (Pinfall, reversed ‘rana): One of those rare misfits that actually work, and it’s due purely to the talent of the two men involved. This match could easily be a PPV-level match, and would have been given five more minutes. These guys worked around the misfit and produced a damn good TV match. So full credit to both of them for pulling that one out.
The Undertweener over Orlando Jordan, WWE Championship Proxy Fight (DQ, High-Quality-Speaker-ference): Sorry, but as you’ll find out later during the Impact Short Form, I don’t deal with squash matches very well. And I don’t think that UT does either. I’m just imagining that conversation backstage. “Uh, Mark, we want you to sell some of Orlando Jordan’s offense because we need a ten-minute main for this evening.” “You’re f*ckin’ kidding me, right?” “Uh, no, Mark, we’re serious.” “You can’t be serious. Do you know who I am?” “Yes, Mark…” “Well, then, since you’re not serious…” “No, we are serious.” “That’s it, I’m walking and I’ll take half the locker room with…” “It’s really necessary for your next PPV main…” “So you think bribery can make me sell for Orlando Fuckin’ Jordan, right?” “Well, it’s always worked before…” “And it’ll work again this time. Just tell Layfield to transfer some cash out of Vince’s slush fund into my Swiss account, or else Jordan doesn’t survive the night.” “Will do, Mark, will do…”
When Detailing Goes Bad: How stupid is Eddy Guerrero to believe that a 1989 Pimpmobile would be Kurt Angle’s car? And that Angle would have the best parking space in the lot backstage? Well, it was good for plot advancement. And now Teddy can get those tinted windows that’d go well with any kind of Pimpmobile. Or is that racist to say?
The Hype Is Ripe: Well, no Little Johnny, just brute force. And a face turn in my book for what he did to Josh Matthews. A very impressive redebut for John Heidenreich, in my opinion. Gets rid of the bad taste from the perfume-ad videos of the past few weeks, that’s for sure.
THE WEDNESDAY NIGHT SLAPNUTS SHORT FORM
Frankie Kazarian and Michael Shane over La Park(a) and Psicosis (Pinfall, Shane pins Psicosis, Sweet Chin Music, Cousin Variant): This match is, of course, beyond criticism. Why? Why else? LA PARKA, LA PARKA, LA PARKA!!!! I would violate my sacred IWC Correspondents’ Code to criticize a match with La Parka in it, no matter how he’s spelling his name and no matter how limited his involvement (and it was limited, the Great One being used as a rag doll for almost half the match). Actually, it was a damn sweet little match. You want to know why I don’t like Rob Van Dam? Watch this match, with four Van Dams in it, and then watch a Van Dam match and see how inferior he is compared to them, and how inferior WWE match booking is to TNA’s when it comes to performers like this.
Erik Watts Committing Sacrilege over Alex Shelley (Pinfall, chokeslam): Bleh match, made worse by being an angle advancement match. But it’s a good angle, and next week’s match should be pretty decent with Missus Gagnon having to put everything on the line. It interests me, and that’s what counts. But wearing the La Parka outfit when the real thing’s in the building? The guy has balls. He can’t do a dropkick, but the guy has balls.
Sonjay Dutt over Chris Sabin, Joey Matthews, and Jason Cross, Number One Contenders’ Tornado Match (Pinfall, Dutt pins Cross, Hindu Press): Very slow-moving for an X Division match, but the right guy went over. That match next week between Dutt and Williams should be something.
XXX versus America’s Most Wanted, Rubber Match in Best of Three Number One Contenders’ Series (ND, Natural-ference): I’ve called these two “the best tag teams in North America today”. Thank you to Daniels, Skipper, Storm, and Harris for proving me right yet again. Never, ever call me wrong. You’ll lose that argument every time. And thanks to the booking, we get a fourth match between them (which I’ll discuss when we get to the Impact Short Form). Bravo, TNA.
Eric Young, Johnny Devine, and Scott D’Amoron over B. G. James and Konnan (DQ, FatDust-ference): I FFed through this one, kiddies, after the comments that West and Tenay made during the match (see below). It’s torture enough to see Road Hog and Konnan wrestle, but to add the “retired” manager of Oy Canada and have the “banned” FatDust come back in and interfere? That’s a recipe for needing a Nexium.
A. J. Styles, Ron Killings and Jeffykins over Kid Kash, Dallas, and Monty Brown (Pinfall, Hardy pins Dallas…Jeff Hardy pins Dallas? What the f*cking f*ck?…Swanton Bomb): The participants in the match made Not Giving A Fuck a 4-2 winner. My apologies to Killings and Styles.
Liposuction: Okay, so Russo barred FatDust from the building due to his repeated stomping all over Russo’s job. Why the hell not bar D’Amoron at the same time?…Oh, Jesus, as I was typing that, West said the same thing. Yuck. I’m agreeing with Don West. Shoot me now, please.
And Speaking Of The Gotta-Be-Gay Guy…: No, not Jeff Hardy, Don West, although both qualify. West using the terms “K-Dawg and B-Jizzle”…oh, my God. The man’s more ofay than I am, which is pretty hard to do. It’s embarassing. Fleabag loves West because he knows where West is coming from. I guess you do have to be Southern to know, because Christ knows that I’m not and I don’t get him. I just cringe every time he does shit like that.
And Tenay Must Come In For Some Criticism As Well…: So, Road Hog has been “tag team champion on so many occasions with so many organizations”? Does two qualify as “so many”? I don’t recall him winning tag gold anywhere but TNA and WWF. If you can tell me any other organization that is considered “big-league” that he’s worn tag gold in, please inform me, because I don’t have one f*cking clue what Tenay’s talking about.
The Serengeti Plain Truth: Monty Brown promos are becoming a dirty pleasure of mine. Monty Brown matches, no, but the promos are definitely worth watching. The guy just brings so much energy into them that it’s worth watching just to see if he’ll blow a gasket during them and collapse.
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Chris Harris versus Christopher Daniels (ND, time-limit draw; Larry Z is a pussy): Okay, we were all expecting the tag match to end all tag matches (ten-minute compression between the best with a number one contendership on the line), but this was a great substitute. The Triple Threat, though, should have been done after the Wednesday night draw, since we all suspected that the draw would have caused that to happen anyway. No problem, though, when a great match like this comes out of it. And just to be special, here’s some of that fancy-schmancy screen capping and image linking:
Your, uh, co-winner, Christopher Daniels
Proving that angels can fly
Amazing Red, Chris Sabin, and Sonjay Dutt over John McChesney, Eddie Villa, and Cassidy O’Reilly (Match Time: 6:36, Pinfall, Dutt pins McChesney, Hindu Press): Oh, goody, a trios jobber match. Well, nobody does them better than TNA…with the exception of AAA and CMLL, but they don’t count because they speak Spanish and everyone’s dressed like clowns. Except for La Park(a), of course, who is God.
Oy Canada over Rod Steele, Bruce Steele, Jerrelle Clark, and Mikey Batts (Match Time: 1:32, Pinfall, Williams pins…oh, who the f*ck knows?, Canadian Destroyer): FFed through this one. It’s angle advancement anyway, and I hate matches where I have to type out the jobbers’ names beforehand.
You’re a D’Amoron
Someone told FatDust D’Amoron is a Pez dispenser
Vinny Ru blows a gasket
Abyss over Sonny Siaki (Match Time: 2:37, Pinfall, Black Hole Slam): Abyss Smash! Yawn!
The Hoss Abyss
“Look, if some guy with a French accent named Dave comes near me, Black Hole Slam him…
Jeff Jarrett over Frankie Capone (Match Time: technically :49, Pinfall, Stroke): With all these jobber matches, aren’t you glad for these screencaps to take up a little room and give this column some content?
Slapping some nuts on Friday afternoon
Setting up Capone for the 615
Jeff Hardy over Frankie Kazarian (Match Time: 3:05, Pinfall, Swanton Bomb): Yeah, like I watched this.
You’d think Shawn Michaels’ cousin could get something better than that, couldn’t you?
He’s here, he’s queer, get used to it
Someone asked me what A. J. Styles looked like. Well, this is what he looks like
None except for a little Russo-FatDust action.
Well, hope you enjoyed it, and I hope the additional content will make people shut up about lateness or “not on topic” mails. Until Tuesday, survive if I let you.