Why is it so hard for guys to hit the toilet?
-Jenna Jameson to her bodyguard/assistant, who has holding her hair as she expunged the contents of her stomach.
Y’know I have to believe that’s not the first time Jenna has been on her knees complaining about the aim of a man.
Man, is it Thrusday again? I suppose that I should write yet another column.
Last week my roommate and I were playing Jeopardy and we were killing those kids. We seriously rocked their @$$es.
I have to admit that I’m really enjoying the RNC. But then again I’m a sucker for a rich white man pageant.
It’s probably the worst kept secret that I don’t like the VMA’s. So why do I watch? For you; the reader. If I didn’t watch, I would be able to provide you with my opinion on the show, and that wouldn’t be fair to you.
I decided to break this down. Let’s face it covering the entire show is very daunting.
Usher Raymond opened the show and all I really have to say is “yawn.” That said I’m a heterosexual male. I’m sure MTV’s female/gay male audience loved watching Usher Raymond do his thing.
The rock threeway performance was interesting. Jet did their thing, Hoobastank sounded like sh*t, and that Yellowcard sound sounds interesting (it’s the first time I heard it, I usually have my TV on mute.)
Kanye’s performance was cool, I guess. John Legend and Syleena sounded decent. “Through The Wire?” Gee I hope “La La La” gets played, they both came out at the same time.
Then Chaka Kahn came out. Man, how sad was that? If someone else had butchered her song on the Apollo like she butchered it her, they would have been booed all the way to Strong Island. Did her performance say anything other than “I’m here because of a check”¦and I got paid before the show.” I’ve never been a proponent of lip syncing but”¦
The whole Lil’ Jon/Petey Pablo/Terror Squad jam was bad. First of all “Get Low” might as well have been my prom song, it’s that old. The entire perfomance just showed why people make fun of live Hip Hop. It was chaotic and sounded terrible.
But there were some good moments. For instance is there anything funnier than a white guy dancing? Yup, a white girl trying to shake “it.” Petey Pablo is trying to bring goggles back. Great maybe pacifiers can become fashion again too!
There were more bad things too. White guys struggling to lean back isn’t funny, its sad. And seeing Bruce dancing just makes me think that he and his ex are in a race to see who looks the most idiotic trying to deny their age.
Jessica Simpson’s performance wasn’t awe inspiring either. Does she not know how to enunciate? Everyone hyped X-tina and Nelly like it was groundbreaking or something. Musically it was kind of dope. Who doesn’t dig zoot suits and flappers? But nothing can detract from the fact that Nelly’s a turd.
Stevie, Alicia Keys and Lenny Kravitz was the performance of the night. It gets no doper than that. I’m really glad to see that Lenny has abandoned the conk. And Alicia Keys is to ME as Michelle Branch is to Smilo.
OutKast’s performance to wrap up the show was cool, but it didn’t really slay me. I’m glad that Andre’s comment before “Hey Ya” addressed my thoughts exactly. Truer words have yet to be spoken.
In a dream come true J-Lo said “my backyard.” Will Smith sounded cornier than usual with is attempt at cheap applause and I found it odd that Shaq looked smaller yet still immense.
I’m really glad to see that Mo’Nique shaved for here Pepsi commecial. I feel bad for John Stewart, his wit is wasted on MTV’s vapid audience. Omarion is a little, little boy. And did he say “serenade” or “seminate?” Beyonce is thick, thorough and mean! You have got to admit that J & B’s shout outs to each other are cute.
Marc Anthony? Could MTV be any more obvious with their attempt to show diversity? X-tina, what happened to your blaccent? Ah, the candidates’ daughters got booed, but everyone is making it seem like the Bushes didn’t get booed as much. Yes, yes they did.
Again, Owen Wilson’s humor goes unnoticed. That could have been really a really funny bit. Those “Rock” nominees suck! I think Rock might be more messed up than Hip Hop. “Video Game Soundtrack?” Apparently I’ve officially become an old man.
Puff and Ma$e! What a (genuine) sight for sore eyes. Ma$e actually looks happy and Puff really seems concerned with voting. Doesn’t Christina Milan’s chest look shiny?
Skating @ VMAs = Trying too hard to be hip.
That Ray Charles tribute was on point. But seriously, Alicia Keys would catch one, early! Sasquatch seems a bit disappointed that Yellowcard won the MTV2 award, but the lead singer seems way too excited, so I guess it all balances out.
Man, the Polyphonic Spree does have a unique sound. I’m glad they ditched the white robes. I’m really glad the Elliot opened my mind to the group, but even he has to admit that the lead singer freaked him out while he was dangling above the stage.
I live in an apartment complex, which means that I have neighbors. Sometimes neighbors play music very loud. It can be annoying.
I actually don’t really mind when they do. That’s probably because I know in my heart of hearts that this is just karma. In college my two roommates and I would consistently blast music in our crib.
We would sometimes do it in retaliation for another person blasting music (invariably our downstairs roommate would buy and album and blast the single, which could be heard on radio. That act became known as a “Sara.”) Mostly we just did it because we could. Really, who is going to say anything to three Black guys?
Now I don’t blast music that often. I do it when I’m getting ready for work, shaving my head, cleaning up, or taking a shower. Sadly those four instances are few and far between. My neighbors on the other hand blast whenever they want. What’s worse they blast the radio! So I have to come out of retirement and battle.
I don’t want to just outplay them, I want to dominate them and hopefully annoy them. So where they blast Hip Hop, I try not to counter with like music. And since they are fans of Hip Hop, I try to go for a style that they probably won’t like.
If I just want to annoy, I’ll throw on a Chemical Brothers, Fatboy Slim or Daft Punk mix. Those three offer enough bass to make the walls rattle. They also feature repetitive rhythms, that while I enjoy, I doubt my neighbors do.
If I want to dominate I’ll toss in Probot or my Queens of the Stone Age mix. Contrary to what some people thing, Rock and Hip Hop don’t mix well. These two are loud and angry. When I put either one in, the contest usually ends before too long. I know for a fact that my neighbors don’t dig Probot or QOTSA. But y’know sometimes you have to put people in their place.
By now you should have realized that you made a grave error visiting this column. Allow rectify that mistake.
Aaron had a bad time at Hooters and dry snitches”¦on himself.
Jeff is under the weather and still puts out quality. That man is amazing.
Blotter isn’t anti Semitic he’s giving props to a killer band.
Gloomchen paints a scary picture.
Tom gets into an argument with a special guest star.
Read Elliot’s thoughts on the VMAs.
Joe has the best eleven Rock songs in the past ten years.
Tayo returns to greatness.
MSD counts down Top 10 Hip Hop albums.
Phil is full of news and views.
Five Songs Stuck In My Head
1. Jim O’Rourke – “Good Times”
2. Yeah Yeah Yeah – “Maps”
3. Spymob – “It Gets Me Going”
4. That terrible synth version of Van Halen’s “Jump” they played at the RNC.
5. Ghostface and Raekwon – “The Watch”
Five Things I’ll Never Understand
1. Why whites love Lil’ Jon
2. Why Blacks love Lil’ Jon
3. Why VH1 rushed “I Love The 90’s”
4. The fascination with the Lord of the Rings trilogy