Welcome back to The Bootleg. A few days ago, I finally got around to completing my writer’s profile for Inside Pulse. Go ahead and give it test-click, I’ll be right here when you get back.
Done?
Well, I’m guessing that you’ve probably got a couple of questions based on what you’ve just read. The first is “What’s a Wayans Brother?”
(Assuming you’re reading this as the last few minutes of their unholy “development deal” with the Devil expires. Should be any second, now.)
And the second query, no doubt, is “Why is an image of Optimus Prime where your picture should be?” And the answer is simple. A picture of me would only lead to a bunch of emails asking that age-old question:
“Do you know who you look like?”
I was reminded of this fact a few days ago. I made the mistake of forgetting some paperwork at home and the wife was kind enough to drop it off for me. Now, we have a secured facility and you have to drive past a sentry to gain access. So, I walked past the gate and to my wife’s car when she arrived”¦which, of course meant that I’d have to walk past the aforementioned security guy to get back in.
“Hey, you were killed in this movie I watched last night!”
Keep in mind this was around lunchtime and the temperature was near 90 degrees. But, I’m sure it gets lonely in Gus’ little security kiosk/Dippin’ Dots stand, so I decided to play along by asking what the hell he was taking about.
“In Terminator 2″¦you look like the scientist that dies about half-way through.”
Ah, that would be noted thespian Joe Morton. C’mon”¦it’s not even close. And, as an aside, I’d also like to point out that it’s Gus’ job to wave employees into our facility only after examining everyone’s badge to make sure we are who we say we are. The second largest defense contractor on the planet and our first line of defense is this guy.
So, who do I look like? Well, the following are three of my favorite (or most frequent) comparisons from other people. I’m not saying I agree with any of them, but I will point out that I have a fraternal twin brother and no one says I look like him.
Warren G. – I used to get this one all the time back when Warren first blew up in 1994. Not sure if it was our pecan-colored plasma screen foreheads or our innate inability to grow out a goatee. The buzz finally died down a few years later. Coincidentally, it was right around the time that Warren dropped his I Shot The Sheriff single. Hell, after that, even Warren was denying that was his mug on the cover art.
Kevin Johnson – The fact that I heard this once was painful enough. When I heard it again last year, I was inconsolable. KJ from the Phoenix Suns”¦and me? Have you seen this guy’s gums? Christ, they’re so big even Omorosa makes fun of ’em. But, I can admit it”¦this one’s all about head. KJ and I are average-sized men with heads that jut out in the back like E.T. Or so I’ve been told.
It never stops hurting.
The Black guy from Walker, Texas Ranger – I was at the airport one morning a few years ago, when someone walked up to me and said I looked like “that Texas Ranger”. My first thought was obviously baseball-themed, but Oddibe McDowell had long since retired. We went back and forth for a few minutes as I named every African-American ballplayer that I could think of and he didn’t know the actor’s name. I knew this because I finally said, “Billy Ripken?” and he said, “Yes!”
It’s the “last weekend” of summer”¦why not spend it with The Goodness?
We’re Here, We’re Queer, We Don’t Want Anymore Bears
For those of you who missed it last Sunday, MTV plans to replay its self-congratulatory cacophony of crap (b/k/a The Video Music Awards) all weekend long. And for those of you expecting an appearance by Beenie Man”¦well, you two are out of luck.
Beenie was pulled from a scheduled performance at the behest of several gay-rights groups due to Beenie’s, uh, mixed lyrical message on the ambiguously titled Queers Must Be Killed. This isn’t his first foray into the flames of”¦uh, anyone got a synonym for “gay” that starts with “F”? No? Fine, then.
Not too long ago, Beenie released a single called Bad Man Chi Chi Man which, loosely translated means “Bad Man, Queer Man”. Curiously, that was also the original name for the Ed Leslie gimmick that eventually became The Booty Man.
Now, far be it for me to point this out, but wasn’t it just three or four years ago when another artist came under fire from gay rights groups for his lyrics? And wasn’t this rapper allowed to attend and perform at the VMAs, the Grammies and several other shows despite the controversy?
Of course, I’m speaking of Eminem. I guess when you get right down to it, the message here is very clear: Beenie Man and dancehall music suck.
Trailer-Park Trash & Gone In A Flash
Try to follow along on this one, kids.
Britney Spears was a no-show at this year’s Video Music Awards. I guess it’s no big deal, really, but I hear that MTV had to work extra hard in her absence to come up with one of their patented contrived “shocking” events that Kurt Loder, Kennedy and Martha Quinn will be telling us about during next year’s 20-year anniversary VMA roundtable. Tabitha Soren is your scheduled moderator, while Bill Bellamy’s lips and wet-curl fade are slated to appear via satellite.
Back to Britney”¦she also failed to appear at the final performance for the kids attending her Britney Spears Camp for the Performing Arts last week.
Did I just type that?
Located in Massachusetts (figures), dozens of disappointed little bastards were forced to settle for a cameo from Britney’s mom, instead. It seems that Britney’s injured knee forced her to miss the performance of 20 ten-year-olds twirling around in halter-tops and Time-Life operator headset microphones.
I am told by a reliable source, however, that campers were welcomed upon their arrival with a video message from Britney. Below is the entire transcript:
Hi Kids! Welcome to [Ed. Note: I just can’t type those words again]! I’ll see you in a few weeks! Until then, I turn things over to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world, (Mr. Black). I want you to treat (Mr. Black) with the same respect you would give me. Now here’s (Mr. Black).
And if you don’t watch The Simpsons you’ve just wasted 60 seconds of your life that you’ll never get back.
Crack is For Poor People
We’re very excited here at Inside Pulse. In just a few days, we’ll be launching our TV zone! In addition to a complete lack of coverage for non-Caucasian targeted shows (thank God for the back page of Jet Magazine) we hope to have the best beat writing for all your favorite reality shows.
Our friends at The Bravo Network hope to carve up that cash cow even further with a series based on the day-to-day dealings (heh) of Bobby Brown. Reportedly, discussions are under way to determine how often Brown’s wife, Whitney Houston, will appear on the show, as well.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m already setting up my TiVo. I’m thinking The Osbournes “¦except funny. Admittedly, I’m not sure if I can stomach 13 episodes of Bobby Brown laying around the house in only his boxer shorts and the weather-beaten double-breasted gold-buttoned jacket from the My Prerogative video from 15 years ago. But, I hear the series premiere ends with what many critics are calling Bobby’s greatest lyric ever:
“Wait a minute”¦this sh*t’s oregano, muthaf*cka!”
‘Wanker’ Is Not A Word
It seems like every other Internet Music writer out there is jumping on this “50 Cent gets booed offstage” bandwagon like it’s the story of the year. Now, while I don’t profess to be a fan of 50, I do think a little perspective is in order here. These were U.K. fans, after all”¦the same folks who gave us Benny Hill, The Big Book of British Smiles and Australia.
Besides, it wasn’t all bad news for Fiddy this week. His G-Unit Clothing Line announced a new line for women, set to debut this fall. The press release promised a series of shirts and blazers designed for the girl who is “street refined with a definite taste for the better things in life”.
Based on this description, there are only two types of women who fit that target audience. And since “hookers” is way too easy, let’s focus on the second market: thuggish Black women on wholesome African-American programming.
Remember the last few years of The Cosby Show and A Different World? Amid cries that the shows weren’t truly reflecting my people, Erika Alexander’s “Pam” and Jada Pinkett’s “Lena” were added to the respective shows to lace a little bit of street cred.
There was a lot of potential for some edgier plots, but the writers opted for the usual candy-coated Cosby corn. There were reportedly two rejected storylines that never came to pass.
In one, sweet little Rudy, who was mysteriously morphing into a man with each passing season, accuses Pam of stealing her mustache wax. In the other, Lena shanks Whitley and accuses her of “trying to pass”. (Uh, ask your Black friends to explain that one to you.)
Revenge of the Nerds V
Dateline”¦Wichita, Kansas. A dozen students at a Middle School there could be suspended due to their preference for Goth clothes, hair and make-up. The school is expecting these kids to follow the dress code, which prohibits clothing “that creates a gang or clique appearance”.
Many students were genuinely concerned for their safety around these future federal assistance cases. In one example, a child noted that a Goth sat behind him in homeroom and hissed like a snake. Now, I’m not sure if there are any sixth-graders who read this column”¦ah, who am I kidding”¦this message is for you Cody, Taylor, Dakota, Skyler, Madison and Dakota. (It was intentional.)
Just turn around n’ punch these freaks right in their throats. Then, keep slapping them around until they crawl deeper and deeper into whatever clothespin-pierced purgatory their proud parents produced for them.
Just make sure you watch yourself. After about three or four years of treating these pasty little p*ssies like the black lipsticked kick balls they are”¦you might wanna consider taking a day or two off from school.
Or make sure mom packs you some Kevlar with your Capri-Sun.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
Ja Rule is so far removed from relevance these days, that it’s almost impossible to believe that he was one of the highest selling and most in demand rappers just three years ago. It was also during that time when he paid nearly $50,000 to some woman in Florida for the sole purpose of renting out her Miami home for Memorial Day weekend ’01.
Based on the ensuing allegations, the weekend played out like that Sinbad/Phil Hartman movie Houseguest. Keep in mind, that was before Hartman’s deranged wife killed him and the “late night for Negroes” talk show Vibe killed Sinbad.
Anyways, Rule allegedly hosted a party during that weekend for 600 of his closest friends. In their wake, they left behind drug paraphernalia, condom wrappers and several toilet seats up. As if that wasn’t enough, Ja Rule reportedly filmed a segment for MTV Cribs while effectively squatting (Definition #3) in someone else’s house.
What could possibly make this story even more unbelievable? Well, the home is tucked away in an exclusive South Beach community that’s home to several celebrities. Among those that filed formal complaints were neighbors Rosie O’Donnell, Gloria Estefan and Shaquille O’Neal.
Now, there’s a Homeowner’s Association meeting I would love to attend. Could you save me a seat next to the lesbian mother of two? Maybe afterwards we can pass out surplus copies of Shaq Fu? Just make sure everyone’s out of the parking lot before Estefan’s bus hits the road.
What, too soon?
Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick Salemi
In the tradition of our popular MFWNTAK feature, Nick and I thought it was high time to come up with another offensive list. Presenting the “10 Unattractive Women You Know You Want to Sleep With”. Look for this concept, recycled six days from now, in someone else’s column, too”¦
Nick: Another inductee to the “alien composite drawing” hall of fame. At first glance: smokin’, but upon further inspection researchers have found a Shaq-like lazy eye and a striking resemblance to Sam Cassell with extensions. Females should not lead to comparisons with NBA players.
Aaron: Decent voice, but it’s always been Moesha’s mouth that creeped me out. Her Bubba Gump gums and 200 teeth remind me of a cross between 1989 Andre the Giant and 1989 Jack Nicholson as The Joker. And what’s with her eyes? They’re almost on opposite sides of her head. Keep the lights off or throw this trout back.
Nick: Lookin’ like a ghetto version of Gwen Stefani, let’s just say putting her in a movie next to Drea de Matteo and Gina Gershon didn’t do any wonders for her.
Aaron: I dunno”¦I’ve always thought she looked like a more butch Anne Heche. And I can’t forget the fact that she was Pauly Shore’s love interest ten years ago. Somewhere in between, she went from precocious pitching pixie to Tank Girl. But, if she still has her costumes from A League of Their Own“¦
Nick: You know how it goes. You’re up late watching Sportscenter for the 3rd time and starting to wonder if they play the same one back or they actually do them live each time. You’re already starting to memorize Linda’s comments about Randy Moss and Dante Culpepper and all of the sudden you think…she’s not thaaaaaaaaat bad. Yes she is. Turn off the TV.
Aaron: I can’t explain this one. Does the fact that she knows sports supercede that mug? Possibly. I mean, she does have a good rapport with Black anchors like Stu Scott and wish-they-were-Black anchors like Scott Van Pelt. Is there hope for me?
Nick: Gotta love the potty mouth. That’s hot, and she knows it.
Aaron: Only makes this list because she’s got that “likely to be standing in front of you in line at any Starbucks in America at 6:00 AM” look about her. I give her two more years before she’s eventually on the other side of the counter.
Nick: Don’t let Maxim or FHM fool you. She reminds you of the girl next door. The one that was kind of plain that you never wanted any part of. Until you saw her out while wasted one night.
Aaron: Women like her always seem to travel in packs with three or four hotter friends. If you see her by herself in a bar, buy her a drink and string her along. If her girlfriends don’t emerge from the bathroom in 3-4 minutes (but no more than five) just get up and graze for greener pastures.
Nick: Forget the forehead that make her look like a black “Crypt Keeper”. That’s a powerful woman right there. There’s something attractive about a female that can erase your entire existence.
Aaron: If I may quote from two of the greatest pop culture icons of our time:
“There is, believe me gentlemen, nothing sexier on earth than a woman you have to salute in the morning. Promote ’em all, I say!” – Col. Nathan R. Jessup
“Gap teeth in ya mouth, so my d*ck gots to fit.” – Snoop Doggy Dogg
Nick: You know she has to stay in shape to play tennis and has somewhat of a wild side, association with Chandler Bing not withstanding.
Aaron: Personally, I would’ve preferred Steffi Graf here. I mean, Jennifer’s got that athletic body/square head thing going on, but Steffi was the C-level choice, growing up, for those of us who knew Gabriela Sabatini was out of our league.
Nick: Obviously a newer entry into the field but a big part of the new genre of “celebrity siblings with less talent than the already questionable talent of the established sibling”. Think about it. This girl got an album because her older sister didn’t know that Chicken of the Sea was tuna. And the miserable consumer sheep went and bought it. Let’s face it, she makes you think of Jessica”¦ so she’s hot.
Aaron: Think DJ Qualls with curls. Tell me again where the resemblance is between her and the hotter Simp? For future reference: stupid women with looks and money”¦we’d all do. Women with just money”¦well, we’d still do, but don’t expect any cuddling afterwards.
Nick: While she now resembles a more bulked-up of version of the Big Show, let’s give her her due. Here’s hoping that her Scientology friends can build her a time machine to go back when she was attractive and less like the star of Look Who’s Eating.
Aaron: I firmly believe, in my heart of hearts, that the “Rebecca” from 1987-1990 is somewhere inside this buffalo. With the right diet plan, the potential return on your initial investment (mostly Ho-Hos and bacon fat) could be phenomenal.
Nick: Her early acting career started out as the dorky friend of a then-hot Lori Singer (don’t start”¦ it was 1984, people) in Footloose. Now she looks…exactly the same, only with better hair.
Aaron: To her credit, Mrs. Ferris Bueller has a crazy-hot body. But that emaciated Jennifer Grey-like grill gives me”¦hey, wait, wasn’t Jennifer Grey the sister of Ferris? And then, wasn’t she the star of Dirty Dancing a year later? From there, didn’t she”¦umm”¦well, that’s still one more hit movie than “Cameron” or “Simone”.
General Haberdashery
I’ve decided that everyone else’s column needs more wacky anecdotes about a girlfriend, wife or significant other. There is one little problem, though. Let’s just say that, on the whole, the Music Staff ranks somewhere around Willie McGee in the looks department. So, as a public service to the IP team, I’m offering up my services to write their personal ads.
Swarthy Hispanic Male seeks special someone. Must never get tired of 13 months of 50 Cent jokes and have a taste for overly caffeinated beverages. Hey, how come “swarthy” is only used to describe Latinos? Why is Jeff Fernandez swarthy, but Ira Horowitz is “a nice young man”?
Double J is in search of his very own “chosen one”. Must enjoy little Black men mincing across the stage, five-hour car rides and three references to Jimmy Eat World. Is that show still on the air? Jesus, Ben Savage has gotta be pushing 30 years old these days.
C’mon, guys, we haven’t forgotten about you! And if you think Gloomchen’s the one, her mom’s twice as fun! An evening with them can only end one way: with bodies hitting the floor. Remember, they both can’t be first, but one of them can be next!
Mathan hails from Las Vegas and ladies, he’d love to see you Strip! He’ll sit through four hours of the Video Music Awards for you, but if you look like Alicia Keys, y’all might not make it through the first two.
Movie Joe Reid admitted, earlier this week on AIM, that he started strong and finished flat with his latest column. Now, you ladies shouldn’t hold that against him, just as long as you don’t get too close. If you do, he’ll inexplicably stop linking you for a week.
Tayo is only for the Grown n’ Sexy women out there. Why not order in some Chinese food and review the last 12 years of the VMAs with him? And tell the take-out folks to go easy on the msd, that white stuff’s bad for your health. Whoops, that’s a typo”¦I meant MSG. Lord knows there’s never been a hint of ‘G’ anywhere near ‘msd’.
Life With the Bootleg Family
Last Sunday, Baby Bootleg came down with his first ever illness. It was just a cold and the kid wasn’t even running a fever, but I guess it still qualifies as a sick day.
Now, there’s not a whole lot you can do for six-month-old child when he’s obviously congested. Oh, wait”¦I take that back. You can suction out his nose every few minutes. Unless, of course, you’re holding him and he decides to wipe schnozz on your shoulder, chest or some place else on your once clean shirt.
And since it’s summertime, don’t even think about running your air conditioning. Apparently, the comfortably cool re-circulated air “exacerbates” the child’s congested condition.
Quick note for you new fathers out there”¦ those baby medical books might seem like a good gift idea for your wife, but they’re not.
It seemed like Kid Cam had recovered after a day or so, until Wednesday morning when I stumbled downstairs at 5:00 AM to find Mrs. Bootleg blocking my way to my Wheaties.
Does this diaper feel light to you?
The wife explained that there should’ve been more pee inside and wherever the rest of it went to, my appetite soon followed. Nothing quite like those pre-daybreak bladder discussions.
After another day, the kid was back up to full speed”¦chock full of heavy diapers with lots of pee and phlegm-free.
On an unrelated note, there’s a book-burning party this weekend at my place. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
