Terminal Velocity- The WWE Velocity Report 09.04.04

-Hello everyone, I’m Brad and I will be doing the Velocity recaps for InsidePulse from here on in. I’m actually quite excited to be working here for InsidePulse and I’ll try my best to bring you a good recap every week.

You may know me as ‘Bootflap’ from the GameFaqs message board, particularly, the HCTP social board. Gotta give some huge thanks to No Chance for helping me with the name of this column, Terminal Velocity.

A quick rundown of my rating system; I use the cliché ‘5 Star System’ for now until I think of something witty and innovative. So basically, I’ll be using the star system for a while.

WWE Velocity (AKA the stuff not good enough for SmackDown)- September 4th, 2004

-Show kicks off with the Velocity opening vid that features superstars rarely on the show, and the pyro. Josh Matthews is back (as we all thank our lucky stars), and he makes a few comments about the Eddie/Angle match from this past Thursday. Scotty 2 Hotty’s music hits and we go into our first match:

-Scotty 2 Hotty vs Jamie ‘By God’ Noble, and his overly cluttered trunks. Walking around the ring to start. Lockup, quick exchange, Noble gets a quick 2 count. Lockup, Noble gets an armdrag. Punches and kicks by Noble. Scotty gets the upper hand with some punches and a dropkick that sends Noble to the outside. Back in the ring, Noble hits some shots. Backdrop gets a 2 count for Scotty. Scotty misses his 2 Handed Bulldog of Death, which Noble reverses into a neckbreaker for 2. Noble with some shots, and a short-arm clothesline gets 2. Crowd behind Scotty solidly here. Noble with a vertical suplex, gets 2. Front-face twisting neck lock by Noble. Crowd gets Scotty back up to his feet, but Noble hits some shots and a legdrop for 2. Noble locks on a cross-arm chinlock. Once again, the crowd wills Scotty to his feet, where he sends Noble face-first into the turnbuckle. Punches by Scotty, whips Noble into the ropes, back body drop. Scotty hits the 2 Handed Bulldog of Death and we know whats coming next. The crowd plays along to the Worm, which connects. 1-2, but Noble manages to get a hand on the ropes. Are we seriously supposed to believe that a falling chop to the neck is a valid finisher? Ah well, who gives a crap anyway. Noble out to the apron, Scotty tries a suplex over the ropes. Noble falls behind but Scotty reverses a go-behind. Scotty tries a superkick, but it’s reversed by Noble. Tigerbomb setup, but Scotty reverses into a sunset flip. Noble reverses that mometum, grabs the ropes without the ref seeing, and gets the 1-2-3 at roughly 6 minutes. Decent opening to the show, and at least the crowd was into it. **.

-We now are treated to a recap of Josh Matthews and his fateful meeting with Hei-Den-Reich. Cut back to Matthews at ringside, trying to act all serious. He’s wearing a neckbrace. Josh argues with Demott for a bit, and says Hei-Den-Reich took advantage of him.

-Later tonight, our main event is Spike Dudley vs Funaki for the Cruiser strap.

-Promo for the shitty new Tough Enough. At least it won’t be as bad as the Diva Search.

-Resident Evil 2 movie ad pops up. I’m probably one of the only few that actually enjoyed the first film, and I’m looking forward to this one.

-We return to a video package of Smackdown in Australia. Gotta love RVD blowing off the kid who’s tapping on his shoulder.

-Matthews says Eddie Guerrero and the Smackdown superstars can’t wait to go back to Australia, which leads him to talk about the Eddie/Angle 2/3 falls match from SmackDown. He recaps the first 2 falls, and we gets to see everything in the third fall after Eddie misses a frog splash.

-After that recap, Demott says that Luther is in action next. I predict a squash.

-Promo for Orton/Triple H and Unforgiven.

-Ad for WWE Day of Reckoning. I picked my copy up Tuesday, and that game’s pretty ‘oarsome’, as Tazz would say. Highly recommended, though many people whine and complain about the small roster.

-Ok, gotta get this off my chest. I’m sick of that freaking Milky Way ad with that asshole moaning over his candy bar. You don’t know how many times a relative has come into my living room after hearing that ad, thinking I’m watching friggin porn. Yeah.

-SmackDown throwback time. Aw hell, all it is is the Billy/Chuck wedding from 2002.

-Back to Velocity, here comes Luther and his generic Big Heel music. Yay, dude he’s fighting is already in the ring, so now we REALLY know this is gonna be a squash.

-Luther Reigns vs Mike Kurkhart, aka This Week’s Entrance-less Jobber. Tie-up by Reigns, who proceeds to hit clotheslines and a kick. Chokehold camel clutch by Luther, ref makes him break it. Knee to the skull by Luther. Double Arm suplex gets 2. Kurkhart gets some kicks in, but Luther shoots him off the ropes. Full-nelson slam by Luther. Test Drive/Roll of the Dice finishes in roughly under 2 minutes. Demott calls the Test Drive an ‘Inverted Reverse Neckbreaker’ or something. I think it’s time Luther actually gets a name for that damn move. Call it a ½* because this was just a showcase for Luther leading up to his eventual program with Eddie.

-Now we get to see how tonight’s main event came to be. Courtesy WWE.com, we see Funaki asking Spike Dudley why he won’t fight Rey Mysterio. Spike goes nuts on Funaki. ‘Naki responds by calling Spike a jerk, so Spike pie-faces him. Funaki, ever the badass, slaps the little bastard back.

-Sting of the Night: Hei-den-reich destroying Paul London.

-Jindrak time, ladies and gentlemen. Interestingly enough, Jindrak is robeless, mirrorless, and is wearing his old trunks. Heh, Matthews points it out right after I notice it.

-Mark Jindrak vs Shannon Moore. Tie up, Jindrak smashes Moore down, then flexes. Enziguri by Moore, followed by a drop toe-hold and a springboard legdrop for 2. Moore slaps Jindrak, then gets a sunset flip for 2. Forearm to the back by Jindrak, who then takes the boots to Moore. Jindrak chokes Moore in the corner, then nails a stiff left hand (the ‘Free-Shot’, as it used to be called) for 2. Jindrak poses, then stops a Moore clothesline. Dropkick to the back of the head by Jindrak, gets 2. Rear chin lock by Jindrak, Moore fights out. Sunset flip attempt, but Jindrak reverses out and hits a clothesline for 2. Another rest hold by Jindrak. Moore again fights out, hits some forearms, but a suples is reversed into a huge back body drop by Jindrak. Mark of Excellence, 1-2-3, it’s over in a little over 4 minutes. Ha, someone has a sign that says ‘The Reflection of Imperfection’. How ingenius. This match was almost a squash, but not quite, as Moore got some good offense. Too short, though, and Jindrak really isn’t that good. *1/2.

-Up next, highlights of the Cena/RVD/Rey Rey vs Booker/Dupree/Kenzo match from SmackDown.

-And now, the WWE rewind: Booker T showing the footage of him getting 1 match up on Cena in their best of 5 series.

-Josh Matthews reminds us of Booker’s lead, then leads us into the 6-Man math recap.

-Up next, our main event for the Cruiserweight Title, Spike Dudley vs Funaki.

-Back here on Velocity, here comes Da Champ, brotherless.

-Spike Dudley vs Funaki, WWE Cruiserweight Championship. Why do they STILL have the WCW Cruiserweight Title graphic? The new title’s been around for more than 2 years! Is it that hard to make a new graphic? Funaki gets a pretty good pop here. Lockup, Spike takes control with an armlock. Funaki counters, but Spike rolls through with the submission still locked on. Funaki reverses into a hammerlock, but Spike makes it to the ropes to break the hold. Funaki floors Spike, then nails a hip toss, arm drag, and body slam before Spike bails to the outside of the ring. Funaki gets dragged to the outside, but he decks Spike and rolls him back in the ring. Back in, Matthews says Funaki is ‘Hulking Up’. Spike hits an eye-rake, then takes control of this match again. Inverted Atomic srop, clothesline gets 2 for Spike, as Matthews and Demott pointlessly argue. Spike with some punches and his ‘corner stomp’ move. Spike locks on a full nelson, and calls Funaki a ‘piece of Sushi’. Racism! Funaki once again Hulks Up and escapes. Enziguri by Funaki and both men are down. Funaki nails some punches, and a dropkick gets 2. Bulldog by Funaki gets 2 again. Spike hits the ‘Head Butt to the Gut’ move, then goes for the Dudley Dog, but it’s reversed into a backslide for 2. Funaki goes for his top rope tornado DDT, but Spike counters. Dudley Dog finishes it for Spike. Decent enough match, and it was simply hilarious to hear Josh Matthews with his over-the-top ‘GO FUNAKI!’ chants. **.

-We’re left with Josh Matthews pondering what Eddie will have in store for Kurt and or Luther this coming SmackDown.

My Thoughts: Decent enough show, I’d say. But, sadly, no Billy Gunn tonight for me to make fun of. Dammit!

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