(Happy birthday, Mom.)
Okay, so I blew off Wednesday/Thursday. It’s called “putting in overtime”, and that means money, and that means things like I can pay my credit cards off, upgrade my system, etc. Due to my work schedule, I wasn’t able to catch the convention (other than nipping up to the break room at work, where I caught five seconds of Fox News interviewing Linda Fucking McMahon, which made me grab a Coke and run like hell out of there). I hope that Cooling was trying for satire in his column, because if he’s serious, I have to go over to England to perform a mammoth LART on the boy. On the way there, I’ll stop in Maryland and LART the governor there for his comments about Democrats being racist since they “demand” that blacks vote Demo. Name me one thing the GOP has brought the black community since the Advent of the Senile Old Fuck, please. No, crack doesn’t count. Blacks vote Demo because the Democratic Party has given blacks an opportunity and a voice, period. Stupid f*cking politicians.
Well, it’s another Triple Threat Short Form (with screen caps for all shows this time) to make up for my lack of ability to get something out to you this week to counter Cooling’s overseas propaganda. Let’s hope it can do the trick.
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
John Cena, Rey Mysterio, and Rob Van Dam over Booker T, Kenzo Suzuki, and Rene Dupree, Get The Boys Some Camera Time Match (Pinfall, Mysterio pins Dupree, springboard leg drop): Notso-hotso opener there courtesy of Van Dam’s apparently desperate need to play rag doll and get his spots in. That little phenomenon dragged the match down and slowed it to the point of boredom. Amazing, really, how I can like five guys in this match (yes, even Cena despite his descent into formula) but the one guy I don’t like can prejudice me against it to the extent that I wasn’t surprised one damn bit about how much I didn’t like it. Polack or not, Van Dam must get off my screen.
Kenzo Suzuki turns Rob Van Dam over like a burger on a grill
Nunzio and Johnny Stamboli over Billy Kidman and Paul London, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Nunzio pins London, backslide): It’s an angle advancement match! Run! RUN!
Nunzio bitch-slaps Paul London
Orlando Jordan over Charlie Haas (Pinfall, spinning neckbreaker): A pretty decent match, which you’d expect given the competitors’ amateur credentials. Of course, we were stuck listening to High-Quality Speaker Boy pontificate throughout the entire match. I expect that a great many people did what I did: mute the son of a bitch and enjoy the wrestling. I’d like to see the two of them get a PPV-length match. How about at No Mercy, bookers? Give them ten to fifteen and let them rock the house.
Your loser, Charlie Haas
Buh Buh Ray and D-Von Dudley over Bob Holly and Billy Gunn (Pinfall, Buh Buh Ray pins Holly, Greco-Roman belt shot): Watched this one long enough to get the screen cap, then FFed. It was like a big glowing neon “I Don’t Give A Fuck” sign flashing in front of me.
Nick Patrick realizes how embarassing reffing this match is
Kurt Angle over Eddy Guerrero, Two Out Of Three Falls Match (First fall: DQ of Guerrero, low blow; Second fall: Pinfall, Guerrero pins Angle, rollup; Third fall: Submission, Guerrero submits to Angle, Angle Lock): Who the hell books the endings of these things? This match was a true classic until they introduced the shenanigans. Yeah, it introduces doubt. Yeah, it extends the angle. But, still, blowing a match that was getting four and a half snowflakes minimum with that ending, just to start a Guerrero/Reigns feud or extend the Angle/Guerrero feud…you know, there are ways to do that other than this. Take a look at the last Flair/Steamboat match from ’89. They waited until the match was over to start off the Flair/Funk feud and did it in a logical fashion. Oh, this pisses me off. Still, a great, great match while it lasted.
Fall One: Kurt wants a test of strength
Fall Two: Eddy can do suplexes too, you know
Fall Three: Eddy lies, cheats, and steals a chair
None, really, except for Heidenreich being fined. Low SE content due to the length of the two out of three falls match. Well, thank God for that.
THE WEDNESDAY NIGHT SLAPNUTS SHORT FORM
The Naturals over XXX and America’s Most Wanted, Triple Threat Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Stevens pins Storm, Daniels Angel’s Wings): They showed a smart way to get around the standard bullshit Triple Threat booking by essetnailly eliminating AMW for almost half the match by playing up Storm’s back injury. It was a cheap way to get around the standard elimination/one-on-one/elimination/lather/rinse/repeat stuff, but effective. I just wish that I liked the Naturals more than I do. They just scream “Generic Heel Tag Champs” to me. They need to develop some kind of individual personalities for Stevens and Douglas, I guess. It’s helped the two teams that they beat in this match to no end, and it should help them as well.
“Give you a hand, Elix?”
Michael Shane and Frankie Kazarian over Chris Sabin and Amazing Red (Pinfall, Shane pins Red, Sweet Chin Music, Cousin Variant): Yet another drool-icious X Division tag match, something that WWE is no longer giving us per se. The problem with this one was completely inconsistent pacing. The match started slow, then kicked into high gear without any kind of transition and stayed there until the end. One or the other, please.
Bridge Over Troubled Kazarian
Petey Williams over Sonjay Dutt, X Division Title Match (Pinfall, Canadian Destroyer): Great match between these two. D’Amoron-ference was kept to a minimum and these two just went at it tooth and nail. I love both of them, of course, so I’m going to be a bit prejudiced. But so far, it’s the Match of the Week pending the rest of this show and Impact.
Petey Williams demonstrates the Canadian Air Force Jaw Exercise Program
Konnan, B. G. James, and Dus…the Midnight Rider over Bobby Rude, Johnny Devine, and Eric Young (Pinfall, Rider pins Devine, elbow drop): Oh, please, dear Christ, not this routine. Anything but this. Dear Lord, help me, I have to cover matches like this one in order to get this column done. You people owe me so much that you could never hope to repay it. However, I do take cash.
You’re Still A D’Amoron
Erik Watts and Sonny Siaki over Abyss and Alex Shelley, Emancipation Match (Pinfall, Siaki pins Shelley, rollup): Bleh. Next.
Abyss makes Sonny Siaki taste leather, among other things
A. J. Styles and Ron Killings over Kid Kash and Dallas, Street Fight (Pinfall, Killings pins Dallas, top-rope axe kick): Enjoyable little brawl to close the show (but not the Asylum). Nothing compared to the sweet mess that Styles and Kash did two weeks ago, but still high-quality garbage wrestling. Congrats to all involved for a great schmozz.
You’ll believe the Truth can fly
It’s Now Official: Jarrett mentioned publicly that next week will be the final episode of Wednesday Night Slapnuts. Well, that reduces the Triple Threat to a tag team match, doesn’t it? Shit, shit, shit. Not like I paid for any of these, of course, but still.
Choke on this promo, slapnuts
“I promise, honey, I won’t call you ‘Dave’ in bed anymore.”
Monty Brown cuts another one of those “dirty pleasure” promos
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Ron Killings, B. G. James, and Konnan over Abyss, Alex Shelley, and Nosawa (Time of Match : 3:40, Pinfall, Killings pins Nosawa, axe kick): Did I already use “Bleh. Next.” in this report? I did. Well, shit, consider it used again, shall we?
Konnan tells Nosawa to come out and play-ay
Kid Kash over Romeo (Time of Match: 1:04, Pinfall, Moneymaker): Too short to be of any consequence. Too short to have an opinion on. Except for one thing: the redneck look has to go, even if he is a redneck. That long, stringy hair is just too damn much. But the frog splash through the table afterward, that was cool.
Kid Kash needs a stylist, stat
Romeo needs a chiropractor, stat
The Naturals over D-Ray 3000 and Shark Boy (Time of Match: 3:15, Pinfall, Stevens pins D-Ray, Natural Disaster): So, the effect of being freed from Missus Gagnon for Shark Boy and D-Ray is that they’re able to extend their jobber matches to over three minutes? How sweet. Sorry, but I like those guys, and to see them used as jobbers pisses me off. Well, I guess I’ll just stay pissed off for the time being until TNA figures out what to do with them.
Fear the Fro
Scott D’Amoron over Chasyn Rance (Time of Match: 2:03 (ironically, the exact weight that D’Amoron was advertised at, hint, hint), Pinfall, D’Amoralizer): Oh, poor kid, having to job for this fat load of suet. And to have to be under that hot, sweaty, hairy mass as it came down off a moonsault…actually, Chasyn Rance, in doing that, received more action than I’ve had in the last year. Not that I’d want to be under, or anywhere near, Scott D’Amoron, of course. Give me My Beautiful and Beloved any day.
An overhead view of a D’Amoronsault
Monty Brown over Adam Flash (Time of Match: 2:09, Pinfall, Pounce): What the hell is it with this show? I call it the best wrestling show on free TV at the Blog, then ever since then, it’s been jobber matches, matches with managers, shit like that. Thanks, guys, thanks a whole f*cking bunch for the support on a very contentious issue. The sad part about it is that considering the latest Raw and Smackdown, the jobber matches and manager matches and Russo and all that still makes Impact the best. Although I should talk a little about the match…the crowd’s ready to turn Monty face. Given the tone of his promos lately, I think that he can handle that. He won’t poison the well like Flex did. I hope.
Monty Brown tosses the jobber trash out of the ring
A. J. Styles and Jeffykins over Hernandez and Onyx (Time of Match: 4:02 (an anagram of 4:20, which says everything you need to know about who got the pinfall and how, but just in case you can’t figure it out, moron…), Pinfall, Hardy pins Onyx, Swanton Bomb): Didn’t watch it, got a screen cap. My boycott (or girlcott in this case) of Jeffykins is total. I will make an exception for the title match on next Wednesday’s PPV because, hell, it is a title match.
Not so phenomenal now, huh?
None, because they’re set for Wednesday’s festivities and the End Fo Thier Era.
Well, that’s all for this week. Stay tuned, and we’ll see if next week, I can come up with three columns. Also, be tuned to ryderfakin, wherein I should have something in Fleabag’s pocket this weekend. Until Tuesday, enjoy.