Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Berentzen Apfel Korn. It’s sheer enjoyment in a glass, especially if you like getting f*cked up on strong-ass apple schnapps.
I have had a rough week. People at work are talking shit, I had a horrid stomach thing on Thursday, and my girlfriend is perturbed for some reason that she will not tell me. Great stuff. On with the plugs…
NEW FEATURE!
Each week I will unveil a new track to be put on YOUR official Saturday Swindle Sheet New Wave Mixtape. It will be a total of 16 tracks, and if you burn them all onto one disc in the order that I unveil them, I guarantee it will be the best new wave mixtape that you will have ever owned, or your money back.
THE OFFICIAL SATURDAY SWINDLE SHEET NEW WAVE MIXTAPE
(Part 1 of 16)
Tears for Fears, “Mad World”
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Check out InsidePulse’s very first Rocktable, our monthly music roundtable feature. It cures baldness and obesity. If you read it, beautiful women will want to have sex with you. If you are a woman, and you read it, Widro will have sex with you.
After having to clean up after That_Bootleg_Guy in the InsidePulse break room for the third consecutive day, Widro decided to fire him and replace him with Elliot Smilowitz, who is well-known for cleaning up his own mess and leaving half-drunken bottles of Mr. Pibb and old grilled cheese sandwiches in the refrigerator. After realizing that the culprit was, in fact, Dana Suzanne, who Widro had hired just three days earlier, Aaron was hired back and Dana Suzanne was fired. Come on Dana, that behavior is unacceptable. I might stink up the fridge with my tacos de lengua, but at least I bought a box of baking soda to put in there.
Mathan thought that the Lil Jon & Friends performance at the VMAs was a complete and utterly useless mess. I think that anything involving Lil Jon is a useless mess, unless it’s him being beaten with a crowbar. Mathan also gives you some tips on how to drown out your neighbors’ loud, obnoxious music with your own, louder, slightly less obnoxious music.
Speaking of Mathan, he was YOUR surrogate Blottie versus D’Estroyer in this week’s Opposing Elements. I think that Gwar is really awesome, and would like to see more skits on Gwar albums. This deli tray is unacceptable.
Gloomchen‘s mom sounds really awesome. She is probably really hot, too… Like an older version of one of the chicks from Drain STH. Hey, Gloomy, the oldest woman I’ve ever dated was 16 years my senior. I know what I’m doing. Hook it the f*ck up.
JJ Botter says that the new Jimmy Eat World is the best album of the entire year. My sister thinks that the new album by Ben Kweller is the best thing to ever happen to humanity. I beg to differ, as the printing press and sliced bread are both better.
NEWS TO USE
Following up on a story from last week, the Dave Matthews Band released a statement saying that if they are willing to provide DNA to help determine whether or not several hundred pounds of sewage dropped onto a tourist boat in the Chicago River came from their tour bus. In other news, 50 Cent has offered to provide DNA in order to determine whether or not he is related to a leaf-nosed bat at the Bronx Zoo that he looks way too much like to be a coincidence.
Sugar Ray’s Mark McGrath been offered a permanent job as co-host of NBC’s syndicated news program, Extra. He will still continue to work with the band while he hosts the program, along Dayna Devon. In an EXCLUSIVE statement released to The Saturday Swindle Sheet, McGrath said, “This is a dream job … Through the band, I did some hosting and loved it. I feel in my element. I’m diving in headfirst and hopefully people will respond. Does anybody remember when I f*cked Madonna?”
Popular Brazilian music producer Tom Capone was killed when his motorcycle was involved in an accident with a car late Wednesday night near Van Nuys, California, just hours after having attended the Latin Grammys, in which he was nominated for five awards. Capone (né Luis Antonio Ferreira Goncalves) was nominated in the categories of producer of the year, album of the year, two for record of the year (for both Maria Rita’s “A Festa” and Skank’s “Dois Rios”), and best-engineered album; however, he failed to win in any of the categories. A coroner’s report showed that Capone had died of “multiple traumatic injuries,” and that alcohol had been detected on his body.
At an MTV Video Music Awards party, Sean “The Sycophantic Shithead” Combs made a challenge to Hulk Hogan, who was on-hand with his pop singer daughter, Brooke. Diddy jokingly got on the mic and said, “Hey, yo, Hulk … Right now, me and you wrestle for a million dollars.” Hogan responded by saying, “I know a million dollars ain’t that big of a hit to him … So if he’s gonna get beat up, he might as well make it a hundred million dollars. I can’t ever lose in front of my daughter. But I’ve got a lot of respect [for The Sycophantic Shithead]. I saw him run for those kids in New York. So it’s all good. If it’s a million dollars for the kids, if he wants to put that up, I’ll let him beat me.” He then poked Puff Diddy in the eye and pinned him for the World Heavyweight Championship.
BITS ‘N’ PIECES
Laura Branigan, the pop singer who performed the 1982 hit “Gloria,” died of a brain aneurysm at her home in East Quogue, New York, at the age of 47. She apparently passed while in her sleep.
The Retarded DMX will plead not guilty to charges of assault causing bodily harm, which were leveled against him last month, in a pretrial date scheduled for October 6th. There is a publication ban on all information regarding the trial, although it may have to do with The Retarded DMX being one of the most useless rappers since that one guy from No Limit.
Slayer’s Tom Araya had to be rushed to a hospital on Wednesday after suffering from severe abdominal pain, which it is speculated to be kidney stones. The band was consequently forced to cancel a scheduled concert in Myrtle Beach, on that same day.
The very first induction ceremony for the new Dance Music Hall of Fame will take place on September 20th, and will feature some classic dance music heavyweights including Giorgio Moroder, Donna Summer, the Bee Gees, and Barry White. I think that having a Dance Music Hall of Fame is a very good idea, so long as Paul Oakenfold never makes it.
Chaka Khan, whose off-key performance at the MTV Video Music Awards had some people questioning the singer, blamed strained vocal cords due to the ardent recording of her upcoming album. I, on the other hand, blame that f*cking shitstarter Lil Jon, who needs to be put in a potato sack filled with bricks and thrown into the East River.
Andre 3000 has been filming a documentary for HBO which follows his “Declare Yourself” crusade to get young people to vote. Being that his group is nonpartisan, he attended both the democratic and republican conventions and also interviewed Bush’s and Kerry’s daughters, respectively. 50 Cent looks like Jenna Bush.
I really do like The Mars Volta. They are quite awesome. However, on the other hand, I think that white guy fros are quite possibly one of the very bane of the human race. Seriously, it looks absolutely retarded. It makes you look like Richard Simmons. Do you want to look like Richard Simmons? Huh? …because you look like Richard Simmons.
The late Ray Charles and Bill Lowery (who were both were inducted into the hall of fame in 1979, and also both died this year) will be honored at a ceremony for new inductees into the Georgia Music Hall of Fame on September 18th.
The upcoming Gwen Stefani solo album will include collaborations with New Order and Depeche Mode’s Martin Gore. I honestly don’t know what to make of this yet, but I’m pretty damn sure that there is no God. Sorry, Mitch…
Apparently, several actions are currently up on eBay that claim to offer Britney Spears’ chewed gum, used tissues, and cigarette butts. In other news, you can buy my chewed gum for $2, and I will also personally come to your house and throw you through a plate-glass window.
Q-Tip will make a cameo in the upcoming R.E.M. album, Around the Sun. Once again, sorry, Mitch…
Van Halen bassist Michael Anthony has plans to open a restaurant in Cabo San Lucas, right near Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo Cantina. The place will be called the Mad Anthony Pepper Bar, and Anthony is currently building up a menu, asking fans to submit their favorite spicy pepper-based recipes for possible inclusion in it. Go here.
THE LATE NIGHT JUKEBOX
This week’s featured contributor is 411mania’s Yayowonder…
Hello everyone if you don’t know me I’m 411 column whore J. “Yayowonder” Hernandez. This list will consist of hip-hop, so if you’re not down skip ahead. Some of it is a little bit harder edged then what you would think is “chill out” music, but I like a nice mix whenever I listen. The Jukebox idea has always intrigued me and my heart fills with joy that I finally made my way through the waiting list (I’ve been waiting for month’s people. MONTH’S!) So here we go.
2Pac – “I Ain’t Mad At Cha”
2Pac puts together a nice ode to growing up and life struggles. It may not be his best song ever, but it’s always a song I like hearing when I’m down. As usual 2Pac’s emotional tone and delivery get you hooked in, but the actual content isn’t lacking. If I smoked out, this would be a song I’d toke too.
DMX – “X is coming”
Perhaps my favorite DMX song of all time. X plays the part of sadistic madman in this one, letting you know everything he would do to you, if you cross him. The delivery is tight, the content is sick, and it’s a song that epitomizes everything that was awesome about DMX. This is a great song to listen too when you’re amped up and want to channel your energy in a non-negative way.
Dogg Pound – “Some Bomb Azz Pussy”
It was a tough choice between this and “If We All Fuck”. This album is mostly forgotten but was an awesome follow-up to Doggystyle, and really deserves more shine for the material on it. This particular song is a nice jam to listen too when your bullshitting with the boys about your sexual exploits or even reminiscing about some just by your lonesome.
Eminem – “Renegade”
Perhaps Eminem’s greatest work on the microphone. Be it the original Royce Da 5’9″ or the widely available Jay-Z version, the wordplay and delivery on this will put any MC to shame. I will go with the Jay-Z version just because it contains more social commentary buried in it, then what I remember the Royce version having. This is another song you can bump to channel some energy when you’re feeling upset.
Goodie Mob – “Soul Food”
This a great kick back song. You can jam it and not worry about body counts being shouted out or rap beefs or anything else. Just a good song about my favorite group (back when Cee-Lo was still part of the group) looking forward to some home cooked food. I think we can all appreciate the simplicity of a song about food.
Ice Cube – “It Was A Good Day”
This is a nice kick back song for one of those days you wake up happy to be alive. Not to up but not to down, Cube gives us a laid back appreciation of surviving another night. This song was especially big back in the day, when I was shorty and getting in to very bad things.
Jay-Z – “This Can’t Be Life”
Another kind of downer song to help you appreciate what you already have in your own life. Jay talks about hustling before he made it in the rap game. Beanie Siegel spits the real about only being responsible to his kids, something I can easily identify with. And then Scarface drops the hardest shit on the song… and I can’t do it enough justice. Read this:
Yeah.. uhh..
Now as I walk into the studio, to do this with Jig'
I got a phone call from one of my nigs
Said my homeboy Reek, he just lost one of his kids
And when I heard that I just broke into tears
And see in the second hand; you don't really know how this is
But when it hits that close to home you feel the pain at the crib
So I called mine, and saddened my wife with the bad news
Now we both depressed, countin our blessings cause Brad's two
Prayin for young souls to laugh at life through the stars
Lovin your kids just like you was ours
And I'm hurtin for you dog; but ain't nobody pain is like yours
I just know that heaven'll open these doors
And ain't no bright side to losin life; but you can view it like this
God's got open hands homey, he in the midst.. of good company
Who loves all and hates not one
And one day you gon' be wit your son
I could've rapped about my hard times on this song
But heaven knows I woulda been wrong
I wouldn'ta been right, it wouldn'ta been love
It wouldn'ta been life, it wouldn'ta been us
This can't be life
Jay-Z – “Moment Of Clarity”
Jay gives us another glimpse into his psyche and his relationship with his father. The father dynamic is something I can readily identify with because of my own childhood, and therefore I can always jam to this or a “Where Have You Been”. The second verse goes into the decisions that Jay has made to become the rapper he is today. How he’s had to make some artistic sacrifices to make his ends. I think anyone that has to work for someone else can appreciate this. Then the last verse goes into status quo Jay and how he’s trying to get all the boys rich.
Kanye West – “Spaceships”
Another great song if you’re feeling stressed out about life. Kanye’s verse deals with having to put up with the bosses shit, and earning the final comeuppance. GLC talks about having to work a nine to five and about the choices to make to move up in the world. And finally Consequence talks about the fall from the top and the arduous climb back up.
Kanye West – “Jesus Walks”
Come on now, you know you like it. This has replaced DMX’s “The Convo” as my favorite God song (for now). It’s a more upbeat song talking about the trials and tribulations that lead us into God’s arms.
Lords Of The Underground – “Chief Rocka”
I told you we’d go old school (points to the crowd, climbs the top turnbuckle, drop the forearm onto the Jukebox’s shoulder.) Just a fun, fast, upbeat song I used to rock back in Middle School. The type of song you put on to get the party started.
Louis Logic – “Postal”
Another song to continue the job hating theme. This is Louis playing the part of both employee and employer. The employee gets fed up with his boss picking on him and goes postal. The dream of anyone having to work for an overbearing boss.
Talib Kweli – “Get By”
Another uplifting song to bob your head too. Talib pretty much covers the spectrum of all the things that can get us down, and tells us to do more than just get by. The chorus is very catchy, and this is the song that got me interested in Talib the solo artist, as I was already a fan of him in Blackstar.
Nas – “One Mic”
All I need is One Mic. The flow, the lyrics, the hook are awesome. This song is what brought Nas back to the forefront of the US hip-hop scene (Ether was good, but this is what solidified the comeback). The song pretty much touches on any and everything that Nas could think of, including being left for dead by the industry and his woman troubles.
Notorious BIG – “Juicy”
The song that best exemplifies going from ashy to classy. This is the song that I’ve always bumped when I needed a pick me up, because I was dead broke. Is there any other reason to like this song?
Outkast – “Aquemini”
The song starts with Big Boi talking about the unity within the group (at the time rumors were swirling that a break-up was imminent) and telling the folks not to outspend their budget. Dre then comes through with the awesome
"Don't want to be it but it's needed so what have you
Now question is every nigga with dreads for the cause?
Is every nigga with golds for the fall? Naw
So don't get caught in appearance
it's Outkast Aquemini another Black experience"
The chorus then starts to fade letting you think the songs about to end, and in my favorite part Big Boi comes back strong and Dre finishes off the song.
Puff Daddy – “Victory”
The only reason to like this song are the Biggie verses. BIG drops some of the illest… ILLEST shit I’ve ever hear on this one song. I’d give you the lyrics but just the words don’t do them justice. You have to listen to this song. Kazaa it! Shareaza it! Fuck… Google it! Get this song!!!
Scarface – “I Seen A Man Die”
Great song about getting a second chance and totally blowing it. Face’s story-telling is literally mind blowing and puts other so called MC’s to shame. The tone and delivery on this song are so amazing that if it came out today as a new single, it could still hold it’s own (the album this is from came out in 1993).
Pharcyde – “Passing Me By”
And finally my favorite group of the early 90’s. Pharcyde’s “Passing Me By” and “Otha Fish” were my favorite jams off of their seminal “Bizarre Ride to the Pharcyde”. “Passing Me By” starts off with a verse about childhood love and jealousy of the older man that got his object of affection (his teacher), moves onto puppy love not becoming adult love, and ends with a secret affection that went unfulfilled. A great song for anyone that’s been jilted by a woman, that really never knew you cared.
Many thanks go out to Yayowonder for taking part in the biggest feature to ever appear in an InsidePulse Saturday music news column. You can send your questions and/or comments regarding this Jukebox to Yayo at yayowonder@gmail.com.
FROM THE LABELS
Here’s an update from Pigface‘s Martin Atkins…
IN THE STUDIO – I have been working with Hate Dept and Pigface-er Steven Seibold on a new one for The Countdown, beware! I might just start throwing advance copies of their ep in with orders , you’ll be HOOKED not to mention a great remix from Astralwerks darlings Radio 4! we’ve been busy with remixes too and started some great new Damage manual embryonic throbbing lovely-ness. TEACHING my new class “the business of touring” begins Nov 20th at Columbia here in Chicago . although the description of the class hasn’t caught up with the real-life napalm touring handbook revelation that it has become! There are MANY amazing new releases: box of opium and Pigface box HEAD! And, of course a free dvd too! sick of us yet??
Check out the following Astralwerks listening parties if they’re in your neighborhood…
9/5
Scottsdale, AZ – Panic! @ Anderson’s 5th Estate
6820 E. 5th Ave
West Indian Girl release party
21 $5 cover. 9 PM – 2 AM.
$1 well drinks before 10pm, $2.50 long islands
all night long.
Free giveaways all night long.
9/6
Gainesville, FL – University Club
18 E. University Ave
Radio 4/VHS or BETA release party
Free Sparks & giveaways!
9/8
Atlanta, GA – MJQ
736 Ponce De Leon AVE NE
Radio 4/VHS or BETA release party
Astralwerks goodies!
9/8
NYC – Rothko
116 Suffolk St @ Rivington with DJs Werwa & Ultragrrrl
Radio 4/VHS or BETA release party
Free Boru Vodka & Beer!
9/8
Philadelphia, PA – The Khyber
56 S 2nd Street
Radio 4/VHS or BETA release party
9/10
Miami, FL – Spiderpussy
2925 NW 95th Terrace
Radio 4/VHS or BETA release party
Astralwerks giveaways
9pm
9/11
Chicago, IL – “Life During Wartime” @ The Hideout
1354 W Wabansia Ave
Radio 4/VHS or BETA release party
drink specials & Astralwerks freebies!
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html
Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
INFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up in the CD carousel as I wrote this week’s column…
Local H, “Bound for the Floor”
Simply Red, “Sunrise”
Dead or Alive, “Brand New Lover”
Howard Jones, “New Jones”
Ministry, “The Land of Rape and Honey”
Siouxsie and the Banshees, “Land’s End”
U2, “Bad”
DJ Cam, “Other Aspects”
Bebel Gilberto, “August Day Song”
Groove Armada, “Chicago”
The B-52s, “Good Stuff”
Buckcherry, “Lawless and Lulu”
Mantronik vs. EPMD, “Strictly Business”
CJ Bolland, “Mantra”
The Mighty Blue Kings, “What’s a Man to Do”
Parliament, “Flashlight”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
While performing at the Du Quoin State Fair in Southern Illinois, “Weird Al” Yankovic was rushed by a large swarm of massive green moths, some of which rested in his rat’s nest of a hairdo, while others landed on his pants. The moths have apparently done this to other evening performers at the state fair in years past, and the comedic musician didn’t seem to have a problem with it, continuing on with a his set as if he wasn’t covered in moths. Yankovic joked with the crowd, “My band asked me if I could find a concert where we would be attacked by insects … I said I would see what I could do.” I swear on my first born child that the preceding story was not a joke.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Jeremy Botter on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, bitch.
Cheers
-JF2k4!
