Yes…You…the loyal Pulse reader, will name my column. Read the whole thing. Send me email. Call me a jackass, call me God. Just call my column something. Winner gets Chucky Cheese on me.
A little introduction of me. I’m Dan Hevia. I like long walks on the beach and the thought of eternal sunshine and happiness for Triple H and Stephanie. I’m a pisces, which means something. I’ve watched WWE/F since I was a little boy. My first memory of wrestling was either The Ultimate Warrior throwing up because of Papa Shango or Nailz brutalizing Big Boss Man. So you knew I’d be messed up pretty quick. I’ve watched old shows and learned the good and bad of Hulk Hogan. All that and I miss Bret Hart.
I’ll be judging things on a niceness/moral scale with ***s and a Vince makes money/visceral scale ($$$s)
Quote from Tonight…In This Very Ring by our own Scott Keith:
“…as a fan, I still watch because I’ve learned to seperate the rationally thinking part of my brain, the part that knows that what’s going on is wrong on so many levels, from the more visceral part of my brain, which just enjoys two guys beating the crap out of each other…”
Raw 8.30.04 Short Recap:
-Triple H talks. Randy Orton shows that Triple H bred him by using the sledgehammer. (-** $$$)
-Bischoff kicks Orton out. (-**)
-La Rez and Coach def. Rhyno and Tajiri ($)
-Batista def. William Regal ($$)
-Someone gets eliminated from the Diva search. (-**)
-Kane def. Pat,Rat, Nat and Fat Hardy ($)
-Benoit def. Flair via DQ ($$$)
-Christian returns on the set of The Highlight Reel. Edge is injured. (-** $$$)
-Victoria and Nidia def. Trish Stratus & Gail Kim ($)
-Eugene def. Triple H ($$)
Above you see results. And on paper that looked like a pretty good show. Flair and Benoit? Heck yes please! But here are my personal thoughts. Let’s call them…
The Weekly Membrane:
Legally:
-Triple H lobbing all those threats at Randy Orton = Verbal Assault.
-Randy Orton using a sledgehammer is not only attempted manslaughter but also weapon possession.
-Eric Bischoff throwing Randy Orton out of the building was very justifiable considering the situation. I mean really, who wants an attempted manslaughter suspect in their building?
-Within the scope of the matches we fans must be vigilant in marking down who threw the first punch. The person whom it was thrown against is legally allowed to defend themself.
-The remarks from the Divas Search could take a while to disect but I can guess that verbal assault is in there as well as slander.
-The 4 Hardy “Brothers”..3 of them may really be Hardy’s but the samoan is clearly using impersonation tactics. I could shower you with how this compares to the ECW Dudley Boys.
-Lita signing Kane’s contract is forgery.
-Batista running in violates the Calvin Klein law that states that no one can run onto the field of play or in this case the ring during competition.
-Christian’s assault on Chris Jericho falls under the Batista/Calvin Klein laws I stated above.
-Triple H fighting Eugene is, in itself, a hate crime against the mentally handicapped.
Personally:
-Why, if they are going to do show and tell, do they use Orton and Triple H instead of the Diva search girls?
-Does Randy Orton really have to use the sledgehammer? I mean go back to his breakout push and have him use The Socko Claw.
-To borrow a phrase and edit it “You have the choice and you kick Randy Orton out of the building? No wonder WCW went out of business.”
-La Resistance beating Rhyno and Tajiri is ok as long as R & T get the blowoff win because I have no sympathy for the french…at all.
-Batista’s clotheline finisher scares me because I see a big angle where he has x-rays that reveal a steal plate in his forarm, he flies onto the Intrepid and slams the world champion (whoever it is) and goes on to get a BIG COUNTOUT WIN at one of the big five.
-I like the Diva search if they keep using sensors like crazy and Christy Hemme is able to go wacko every week.
-Ok sorry but that Samoan was SO not a Hardy Boy. I bet they wish they’d signed Jeff back at this point.
-Why does it seem as though they don’t want Benoit and Flair to just go at it with no b.s.?
-Christians return had me begging for a conchairto even if they used Edge’s crutches and made it a concrutchto.
-No matter how bad the match, Victoria rules.
-You know Triple H is dying to get on the stick and call Eugene a f’n retard. You know it. I know it. Let’s accept it and hope it happens.
-Overall I didn’t mind the show but I wouldn’t call anyone and say “TURN THIS ON.” Then again the only reason I call people and say “TURN THIS ON” is if The Rock comes on, Zell Miller is on, or it’s Tacoma and I’m feeling sadistic.
So there you have it Pulseheads, two sides to every story, even from one person.
I’d normally give some thoughts on Smackdown! but it was preempted in NY and I had stuff to do Saturday. So let me give some opinions on the news and tonights Raw.
-Brock Lesnar was cut by the Vikings. I’m in shock. I thought first year Pro-Bowl, cover of Madden 2006. Yea…Brock would’ve made the team. And Sable’s chest is natural.
-Dr. Death near death. God even chimed in on this one: God’s Take:https://insidepulse.com/article.php?contentid=20827
-Tom Prichard released. Little known fact: the reason he was let go was because he kept pressuring Triple H to reprise the “Cloudy” role for another BodyDonna run. True story. Shane McMahon told me. (I have connections)
-Brock might be resigned by the Vikings. Mike Tice has a ring of Brock slob around his knob.
Tonight’s Raw Lineup and my pre-Raw take:
Kane will face off against Randy Orton because Eric Bischoff has no more ideas about who to use as a killer. At least he has no more ideas. If he had more they’d probably involve DDP.
Eugene will slip off his medication and take on THE WWE in a still cage match. Odd’s are Hx3 will take off Eugene’s helmet for this one. Eugene backstage: “I got a match! YAYYYYYYYY!” Seriously Victoria called me (We’re a couple now) and told me.
And a Diva will get eliminated. Two things about the Diva contest:
1. If I didn’t have the enormous package I have, I would wax myself up and put on a bikini to win this thing.
2. If Christy Hemme (My pick, sorry Victoria…err..pookie) keeps dropping legs like last week she could conceivably be the next Hulk Hogan.
Other Comedy:
That’s all the shenanigan’s this week kids. Remember, name this column becuase I wanna see what your Pulse is like.
-Hevia
