Welcome to Grutman and Friends. Tonight’s friends are Ian Burnside, Matthew Michael, Johnny Widro and from pwtorch.com, Derek Burgan.
The News With Ian Burnside
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Hello, I’m Joshua Grutman. This week I’m joined by InsidePulse’s own Ian Burnside.
Burnside: Iain
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: How do you pronounce that?
Burnside: Just the same. It’s a weird Scottish thing. I guess the English language didn’t have enough silent letters so they added some more.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Fine. You’re Ian. Or I could call you Burnsy. Whatever you prefer.
Burnside: Call me Choncie
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: No, Ian will do. Before we get into the news, I understand that you’re from Ireland. What is the wrestling scene like there?
Burnside: Do you even know me?? It’s Scotland! The OTHER stereotypically drunk nation!
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Are you questioning the fact checking of Joshua Grutman?
Burnside: It’s not Joshua. It’s Joss.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: WHO TOLD YOU? And now wrestling news. Raw Diva contestant Amy Weber, who was eliminated last night not only left covered in chilli, she broke her arm while arm wrestling Carmella. Your thoughts Ian?
Burnside: Well, Joss, my thoughts are like this – I like porn. I could have been spending my time watching porn rather than watching clothed women who aren’t even all that attractive prance around like day-old meat at a closing-down sale in a butcher’s shop, clogging up valuable pornography time in my schedule. A lot of my thoughts involve porn because it is very late. But hey, if this means we get to see Christy act as a guest referee and count to three by doing her patented twat-splat then what the hell…
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Fair enough. But we all feel that way about it. It has been seven weeks. I think it’s time we accept that there is a contest going on.
Burnside: Okay, but by that logic we should also all get over Montreal and just like Triple H.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I like Triple H and it was very easy for me to get over Montreal. Bret and Vince are the ones who can’t.
Burnside: Wrestling fans in general haven’t though. They’re all very petty, really.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: You think wrestling fans are pretty?
Burnside: All except for Paul Day
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I don’t know who that is. Next news item!
Burnside: TSSP 4 LIFE! Trust me, there are about three or four people out there chuckling away at the Paul Day reference…
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I’m not one of them. Paul Heyman is now officially part of the creative team again. Haven’t we heard this tune before Ian?
Burnside: Jews are awesome
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Yes we are, but why should we believe that this will end any differently than it previously has, with Paul in the doghouse and Stephanie in charge?
Burnside: She’s still in charge from the last time around. Is he actually “in charge” or just back on the committee, so to speak? And did I spell committee correctly?
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I don’t know. I don’t work there. And I’ll do a spell check. I think he’s just a member of the team. Gerwitz and Lagana are the guys in charge of the respective brands.
Burnside: So basically this is not going to make one iota of difference to anything?
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I think it might. Paul has a good idea every now and then.
Burnside: Yeah, well, so does Russo.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: No he doesn’t.
Burnside: Having him on the team still won’t change anything for better or for worse. It’s just an era of mediocrity at the moment.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: MEDIOCRITY?
Burnside: YES?
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Are you calling the era of Eugene mediocre?
Burnside: Considering that they have pissed all over what could have been the best heel turn since Hogan dropped the leg on Savage, YES.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Explain
Burnside: Turning Eugene heel. Repackaging him as Nick Dinsmore, smartening him up and making him a pawn of what would have been a genuine plan on Triple H’s part, as opposed to his usual tactic of “beating stuff up”. It’s as creative as Scooby Doo’s rogues gallery. Now they just f*cked all that up to wind up with yet another useless midcarder. Well done!
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Well, Triple H may have figured out how to dominate Eugene but I still think Eugene is special. It is so inspiring to see a mentally retarded professional wrestler.
Burnside: What? My sarcasm detector might be malfunctioning… Was that a genuine comment?
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Yes. It’s like Zach Gowen but not sucky.
Burnside: Of course it is. Not at first, granted, but it had a very limited appeal as they pushed Eugene all over the ruddy show.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I don’t speak Irish. What does ruddy mean?
Burnside: FUCKING
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Next news item! John Tenta, who has recently been diagnosed with cancer, had an incredible night last Monday as he visited Raw. The ruddy wrestlers on that ruddy show treated Tenta and his family with such kindness and dignity that it makes me almost cry. Who was the leader of the kind treatment? Triple H, who Burnside hates.
Burnside: I don’t hate the Hs! I just said that most of the petty wrestling fans do…
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Right. You hate a man who treated a former professional wrestler who may be on his last legs with class and dignity.
Burnside: Not if that man is called HH&H
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: So you like HHH more than Chris Benoit?
Burnside: What, in bed? Yeah…
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Seriously, in general you like HHH more than Chris Benoit?
Burnside: Nope. Seriously. But I do like HHH these days.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: You prefer the same Chris Benoit who spit on John Tenta and then slapped Tenta’s wife?
Burnside: I like Golga: …his little belly… *sniff*
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Ian, thank you so much for joining us. I love your writing. You are a gentleman and a scholar.
Unforgiven Picks With Matthew Michael!
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Ladies and Gentlemen, Matthew Michael! Thank you so much for joining us Matt.
Matthew Michael: Thank you for having me.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: No sir, the pleasure is mine!
Matthew Michael: Actually the pleasure is… www.thewrestlingblog.com (cheap pop!)… So we’re gonna be talking about Unforgiven? Or about the lightbulb up your ass?
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I don’t have a… Unforgiven. Victoria vs. Trish for the woman’s title
Matthew Michael: What’s their issue? I thought Trish was feuding with Lita. Oh wait, they can’t wrestle, Lita’s pregnant.. But didn’t Trish just face Nidia? Oh, but Trish easily won that non-title match. And isn’t Victoria still dealing with that whole Stevie-in-drag thing?
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: So? Trish bad, Vicki good.
Matthew Michael: Right, but Trish has Christian, Tomko and perhaps Edge on her side… Vicki has Stevie-in-a-dress. Trish retains!
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: But what if Vicki breaks out the fancy dancing?
Matthew Michael: I just don’t care about this match … unless Lita somehow gets involved.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I pick Trish.
Matthew Michael: We’ve already spent too much time chatting about this match. NEXT!
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: William Regal & Chris Benoit vs. Batista & Ric Flair
Matthew Michael: This will be great. I was thinking Regal and Eugene would get a nice tag division run on RAW, but that’s out the window depending on how long Dinsmore is out injured… and Benoit has nothing to do now anyway. So this match, and then Benoit vs. Flair and Benoit vs. Batista can b e some fun match-ups leading into Survivor Series. Where, I predict, a new member of Evolution will be unveiled…
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Hulk Hogan?
Matthew Michael: Close. Mr. America! Actually, no.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Ugh. You’re useless Matthew Michael! This match will be 8 minutes and Regal will be pinned. But finish your theory.
Matthew Michael: The newest member of Evolution will in fact be a robot! We’ve got the old … Ric Flair. We’ve got the now … HHH. We’ve got the up-and-comer … DAVE. But are we supposed to believe that evolution will end at the perfect HUMAN specimen? Or will evolution take us to the point where man and machine are one? EVOLUTION CANNOT BEGIN TO BE REALIZED UNTIL MAN AND MACHINE ARE ONE! Benoit wins, pinning Flair.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: 8 minute match. Dave pins Regal. Benoit looks all pissy.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: La Resistance vs. Rhyno & Tajiri – World Tag Team Titles
Matthew Michael: They pull the trigger. Team ECW wins in time for a title reign with the ECW DVD on the way.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: No! Not on the first try.
Matthew Michael: It’s not the first try. They’ve been feuding for months. Singles matches, non-title matches. The title WILL change hands this Sunday night!
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Nah. La Res with help from Coach… IN A DRESS!
Matthew Michael: What kind of dress?
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Strapless. Sassy.
Matthew Michael: Would have to be cream-colored. A man with his complexion wouldn’t look right in, say, hot pink.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Kane vs. Shawn Michaels. This is a match we both have a vested interest in.
Matthew Michael: True.In a pre-match interview backstage, Lita is laying on a table, legs in stirrups, as apparently gestation for Kane’s spawn is only four months. Lita has a secret to tell Kane, who’s standing next to her — supportive — videotaping the childbirth that’s about to ensue.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: But there’s the head!
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Kane leans closer… closer…
Matthew Michael: “Kane,” Lita says. “The baby’s not yours… OR Matt Hardy’s…The baby… is Shawn Michaels.”
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: “OH MY GOD! YOU HAD SEX WITH SHAWN MICHAELS?”
Matthew Michael: “Uhm…”
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: But that’s not a head! It’s a foot!
Matthew Michael: Lita pushes… SCREAMS!
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: KA BOOM! Shawn Michaels superkicks his way out of Lita’s vagina. Then he reaches back into the vagina and pulls out a cd player. He presses play and his music starts. Everyone dances.
Matthew Michael: OH, I get it! The baby IS Shawn Michaels! No apostrophe! Why does the Pulse HATE the apostrophe so? (But Kane wins the match. This one’s far from over.)
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I think Kane wins after Lita helps him.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Chris Jericho vs. Christian – Intercontinental Title – Ladder Match! ARE YOU READY… TO BE…. DISSAPOINTED?!
Matthew Michael: This is gonna be match of the night.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Maybe. But I don’t think it will be all that good.
Matthew Michael: Christian and Jericho have a long history of quality ladder matches. Their issue goes back almost a year. Plus you have the added twist of the Edge factor.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Yes, but Christian just returned from an injury.
Matthew Michael: An injury caused BY JERICHO. Who also just injured his brother”¦ Or did he? I have a feeling the injury is a work. Not by Edge, ’cause who wants to be stripped of a belt? But by WWE.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: What does this have to do with Christian not wanting to take a bunch of big bumps?
Matthew Michael: He wouldn’t be back if he couldn’t go.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Agreed, but you ease back into it.
Matthew Michael: He’s been on house shows. No? Getting the rust off?
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Fair enough! How about the fact that Christian is a sorta underwhelming singles wrestler and his matches with Jericho have been just okay?
Matthew Michael: He’s a smart guy. It’s a big chance for him to steal the show and I think he’ll step it up.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Your prediction?
Matthew Michael: Hmmm…. I want to say they’ll give it to Christian, since Jericho doesn’t “need” the belt. BUT… Let’s not forget something. NWA TNA’s got Jeff F’N Hardy in the World Title Scene right now, and who has the most Intercontinental Title reigns ever in WWF/E history? Jeff Jarrett with 6, according to our title history page. Jericho has 5. Giving the belt to Jericho making him #1 (or at least tied for it, assuming our title history is right) is just the thing Vince would do as TNA’s about to put the belt (possibly) on Hardy.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I certainly hope management won’t make decisions just to show up Jarrett in a pretty meaningless way. I’m going with Christian.
Matthew Michael: Well, if Edge’s injury is real, then there’s no “plan” in place, since the plan would likely be around Edge and Jericho’s feud. Unless they planned to put the belt on Jericho the whole time, free up Edge to feud with Benoit finally. But that’s moot now. Jericho wins. NEXT!
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Randy Orton vs. Triple H – World Heavyweight Title. Two things can happen here.
1. Triple H and Orton have a great match that ends in a DQ.
2. Triple H beats on Orton for 20 minutes, but then Orton sneaks in an RKO and wins on a fluke.
Matthew Michael: Or HHH wins the belt, and uses his relationship with Bischoff to keep Orton away from the title… until Orton “earns” the title shot by winning the Rumble. That gives Randy a few months to earn his stripes as a fan favorite. This’ll be a good match. Not as good as Maven vs. Rodney Mack on HEAT. But good.
.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: HA! But seriously,. I wanna see Benoit get involved in this somehow. Benoit should be plenty pissed at both of them. Benoit has the title won on Raw the night after he lost it, but Triple H interfered and cost Benoit the match. Immediately, HHH turns on Orton and sets himself up as the number one contender. What the hell happened to Benoit in all this? Shouldn’t he be seething with anger?
Matthew Michael: Benoit’s gotten plenty of wins over HHH since March. I don’t wanna see them feud anymore ’cause HHH will likely win. I won’t mind if HHH wins at Unforgiven. But I will be rooting for Randy. Yes, “rooting.” For a fake sport.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I’m saying that Triple H is about to beat Orton, has him in position for the pedigree. Benoit runs in. Benoit beats up Batista. He beats up Flair. He gets in the ring, looks HHH in the eye, and then locks in the crossface on Randy. The ref signals for the bell. Chris rolls out, grabs the mike. “Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this bout and STILL WWE CHAMPION, Randy Orton!” It would be poetic justice.
Matthew Michael: Crazy DQ ending to a match Randy gets no offense in on? Talk about neutering your champ. Why not, in your scenario, have Randy vs. HHH be EVEN to that point?
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Sure it’ll be even. But Triple H will have victory in hand at the end, just as Benoit did. HHH cost Benoit the title and the victory via interference. Benoit will just return the favor.
Matthew Michael: But the focus should be on the champ.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Sometimes. Not yet. Now you have Orton wanting to prove himself as champ, Triple H pissed as hell at Orton and Benoit, and Benoit wanting what is rightfully his. Triple Threat for Survivor Series.
Matthew Michael: You mean Taboo Tuesday.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Whatever.
Matthew Michael: Where YOU THE FANS decide!
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I happen to like my plan. Matthew Michael, thank you for joining us. Any final thoughts?
Matthew Michael: Well,I just watched the Evolution clip here — http://repository.wwe.com/asx/raw/090604-bati sta-flair300.asx — and I have a feeling Benoit will be feuding with Flair and Batista for a while. That being said … I like this Pay Per View on paper, even though I don’t give two shits about Victoria vs. Trish, and think it’ll surprise some people and be a strong show.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Again, thank you. I love you. Goodnight.
Grutman Discusses the State of Wrestling With Special Guest Derek Burgan!
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have been joined by wrestling comedy legend Derek Burgan!
Derek Burgan: The poor man’s Jason Powell
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I don’t know who that is. Derek, are you still with pwtorch.com?
Derek Burgan: Yep.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Won’t they be mad at you appearing in my column? I was the Torch Lounge’s arch nemesis for about five minutes a few years ago.
Derek Burgan: I’m sure they will be much more excited at my newfound success.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I know I’m happy for you sexy. So what do you think about the state of wrestling?
Derek Burgan: That’s Oklahoma right? Actually, I think right now is a very exciting time to be a fan.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: HAHAHAHA! Comedy legend Derek Burgan everyone! Go on, sorry. Why is it exciting?
Derek Burgan: It’s granted that the WWE is struggling however they are finally doing EXACTLY what people bitched about for years. New guys are in the mix. For god’s sake Benoit and Eddie had the major straps this year. JBL and Orton are the current holders, Paul London has a title! I’m not saying they don’t have miles to go creatively, but some credit should be handed out. Secondly, because some of the shows are unwatchable it gives incentive to check out other alternatives such as Pro Wrestling Guerilla and IWA Mid South. There’s some good stuff out there with a little effort. ROH is just really hitting home run show after show right now
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Ah, the pedophiles.
Derek Burgan: The whole RF situation is another ball of wax. I would hate for my life to be decided upon a possibly doctored AOL IM and phone calls from “memory.” This shit wouldn’t cut it on even the worst Law and Order episode.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Fair enough. Burgandy, I have a problem with all the new stuff you were talking about. When Rock and Austin became the “new main eventers” they had earned it through gaining crowd support first. Have Orton and JBL done that?
Derek Burgan: It’s hard to compare ANYONE to Rock and Austin, two guys who aren’t even in wrestling by the way. I think it would be like comparing American men’s tennis players to Conners and MacEnroe.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: That’s unfair. Rocky pops up every now and then, and Austin still beats up a woman from time to time.
Derek Burgan: That Austin story is one of the best of the year. “I went to drop off a check for 1.5 million to a girl I never want to see again in my life.” Riiiiiiiiiiiight.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I’ve paid more to shut a bitch up. Shut that bitch up good.
Derek Burgan: Her story is even better, the lawyer stabbed himself~! You couldn’t write that shit without being laughed out of town in a fiction story.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Which town?
Derek Burgan: Somewhere in Oklahomoa.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Fair enough. Austin and Rocky got their chances to rise us because of a major lack of main eventers. With all of the main eventers currently there, will Cena have a chance to rise up?
Derek Burgan: In a perfect world, definitely. But who knows because the WWE’s biggest problem has nothing to do with lack of movement in the wrestling mix, it’s the total lack of movement in management. Unless that situation changes, I don’t think anyone would have a chance to become the next Rock or Austin even if they had the potential.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: You think Gerwitz and Lagana are keeping things stale?
Derek Burgan: I think they are writing to keep their jobs.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: So you think Vince is keeping things stale?
Derek Burgan: Vince, Dunn. For the most part, no different than me at my job at work, trying to look good to the boss.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: You’re going to say it. You’re going to say what everyone else on the net has been saying. Go ahead, say it.
Derek Burgan: I would like to orally satisfy Linda McMahon. There, happy?
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: It’s all Triple H’s fault! You smarks are so snide. He gave John Tenta’s kids t-shirts!
Derek Burgan: I think Triple H is one of the WWE’s brightest spots. Give me a break, without the Game, Orton and Flair are nothing close to what they are on RAW.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: No, I’m defending Triple H. You hate him.
Derek Burgan: I still have my Game Over shirt!
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: From Spy Kids 3? I despised that movie.
Derek Burgan: As much as I want to support everything Robert Rodriguez does, what the f— was he thinking with Stallone?
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: He was showing faith in a friend. It was almost worth it to see Clooney doing an amazing Stallone impersonation.
Derek Burgan: I was too busy trying to figure out if the older sister is “of age” yet.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: She was sorta hot in a jail bait kinda way. Now I’d like to talk about the net for a little while, so long as I have the originator of the IWC Royal Rumble here.
Derek Burgan: Don’t have too much time. Already getting the evil eye from the g/f. But let’s do it!
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Great, let’s sum it up then: We’re all a bunch of delusional blowhards, right?
Derek Burgan: For the most part. Except for Hyatte. He’s the gospel. And Mr. Tito, whatever the f— that is.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: He’s a Mr. Tito. Thank you for joining us! Everyone go pwtorch.com for more of Derek Burgan. Mr. Burgan, you are a gentleman’s gentleman. Now go give your girlfriend oral sex.
Derek Burgan: You know who I’ll be thinking of.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Hyatte?
Derek Burgan: He wishes. Hyatte’s mom.
Discussing InsidePulse With My Boss And Hero, Widro.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I’m now talking with Johnny Widro, head cheese at insidepulse! Widro, thanks for joining us.
Widro: It’s good to be here everyone.
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Widro, tell us all about the exciting new insidepulse.com!
Widro: Well it’s a brand new site, little bit of this, little bit of that. I think you’ll enjoy it
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I know I will, jerk! What’s new about the site?
Widro: Well its a lot like the old site with a lot of the crap cleaned out and the NFL pick ’em game
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Really? There aren’t any new sections? Like the tv section?
Widro: What do you mean?
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: WIDRO, THE NEW TV SECTION!
Widro: We have added a new tv section, yes
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Tell us about it!
Widro: It is aqua
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: A cool color. A calming color. Some would say a little on the gay side, but Hyatte makes gay jokes about everything and everyone.
Widro: I wanted to make the movies section pink but thought better of it
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I hear we have celebrities in the tv section!
Widro: We have had pictures with former Survivor Africa contestant Jessie Camacho
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: She is incredibly hot! I’m sweating just thinking about her. Now John, I have to ask the tough questions. This has been a puff piece up until now. You ready?
Widro: Yes
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I think that insidepulse.com is an awesome site. But do you think it might be too awesome?
Widro: I don’t follow… too awesome?
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: You know… so awesome that it reaches its limit and collapse upon itself, thus making it sucky.
Widro: Well we only launched 4 weeks ago, I would hope we haven’t already reached the pinnacle
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: I know, but we’re so awesome!
Widro: We are very awesome, it is true. But too awesome? Not even close
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Good answer. You are truly a Deep Blue in this game of chess. Widro, we all have heroes. Mine is you. Who would you say are some of your heroes?
Widro: Flea. He is a hero to us all
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: He owes me fifteen bucks. Stupid Flea.
Widro: He owes you nothing. You owe HIM
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Why? What did he ever do for me besides beat me and lock me in that closet. Do you know what it was like in that closet?
Widro: Is it related to me?
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Never mind. Widro, I want to be more like you. What can I do?
Widro: It’s really impossible for me to say, there are so many factors… so many intangibles
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Get a stupid hair cut?
Widro: That’s just the start my son
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Widro, I want to thank you so much for your time. I know how busy you are what with the masturbation and crying. Have a good night.
Widro: Thanks josh for all your support… I just want you to know I’ll be there for you as you go through your sexual transformation
JOSHUA GRUTMAN: Thanks. I’m halfway there. I have the penis. Now I just need the vagina on my hand.
Tune in next week for an all new Grutman and Friends!
