Hey there, I’m Brad Torreano and I’m yer new Byte This recapper! You might remember me from a plug Scott Keith did for a website I ran about weird Christian evangelists. No? How about the time I came home drunk from a party and wrote 411 to complain that their writers made fun of each other too much? Oh yeah, they never printed that. Anyway, I’m a huge frickin’ nerd for wrestling; I watched all through the Bastion Booger years (side note: now he’s a bouncer at a bar in Marquette, MI and he’s really testy about being called Booger) and I’ve talked to the Ultimate Warrior over e-mail. I’m such a huge nerd that I’ve been listening to Byte This for FOUR LONG YEARS. I’m a vet, baby.
As a long time listener, I know the aches and pains of sitting through the endless shilling and boring corporate talk just for one shot at hearing some backstage gossip. I know how grating the hosts can be, and how the usual technical problems make the show nearly impossible to watch from front to back. But I also know that this weird Ed Wood appeal is what brings you back week after week, and that your sick fascination with the red-headed stepchild of WWE programing is impossible to shake. So if nothing else, I hope to make the Byte This experience more bearable, and maybe together we can come out of it a little bit braver and stronger.
You’d never know WWE even had a show called Byte This judging by how far into the front page it’s buried today. Just go straight to “Interactive” and select BT’s homepage, because otherwise you’d need Oliver Stone to find the damn link. Remember Oliver Stone? Paranoid guy, made JFK… nevermind. Holy crap, they have HHH, Orlando Jordan AND the King today! After last week’s corporate stinkfest (Al Snow and Lita… ugh!) they need this kind of star power so we can finally hear some backstage dirt and inside jokes. The webpage graphic of Hunter makes him look like he’s walking down Triple H street in a Dario Argento movie. Please let Tommy Dreamer be the host…
Generic Theme numero 138 brings us to… Byte This! Oh God, Mark Lloyd and Josh Matthews! It’s my worst nightmare! Lloyd is already falling all over his words trying to pimp the PPV. They bumble through some minor shilling and actually complain about not having the corporate magazines in front of them. Fools!
A Raw rebound gives me time to reflect on Josh’s new partner. So let’s get this straight, they canned Tom Pritchard (no mention of this, incidentally) and instead of going with either Tommy Dreamer (a hilarious backstage crony who shares tons of hilarious ECW dirt) or Howard Finkel (a lovable corporate automaton), they give it to the one kid who sucks just as bad as Josh Matthews! Genius.
Josh has chills after that stunning Unforgiven shill from J.R. Droz is here and I can actually understand him! Alright audio staff! Ah wait, his cell phone signal is already fading halfway into his Randy Orton rant. More power to Randy sayeth Droz! He picks Orton for the PPV, which is on par considering he has never ever voted for HHH. The fool! Anyway, Droz’s cell phone is getting so bad he sounds like he’s being possessed by a robot. More blabby blab about HHH/Orton segues into HBK/Kane talk. Robo-Droz picks Michaels, which probably means that Kane will win. Ladder match talk goes nowhere but Lloyd sounds like he’s imitating Coach, which amuses me. Robo-Droz likes the Diva Search, then turns back into human Droz to discuss the boxing match with Mark. I wonder if Josh is getting the ax, because he’s shockingly quiet today. Replace him with Dreamer! Smackdown lumberjack predictions… FOR A MATCH TAPED ON TUESDAY! I really hate the Smackdown predictions. Droz predicts that Angle wins because he reads the net like every other real fan. Josh dumps Droz and Lloyd oversells Droz’s predictions.
Quick break allows time for a $1000000 Tough Enough ad. Submission date has been extended to September 22nd! I’m not too late!
Haas vs. Jordan footage, Jordan wins! JBL doesn’t have to wrestle tonight!
Orlando Jordan, welcome to Byte This! Jordan is without JBL today, but Josh prompts Orlando into calling his boss “dashing,” “good looking,” and “our next president.” Josh says Mark is here, to which Orlando says “Who? A fan?” That’s not a joke, he actually said that. Totally in character today, as he defends JBL’s neck injury and sells Josh’s neck injury at the hands of Heidenreich. Orlando’s playing his Playstation 2 during the interview and asks for a reimbursement for the phone call. Danny from Florida asks if African American wrestlers have advanced in the last few years. Orlando has no idea and blows him off. Danny sounds mad! That call sounded real, I’d dare say that man doesn’t work for the WWE! Jordan sez that the Undertaker was honored and nervous to wrestle him. That’s hilarious. Good interview so far! Call from a “fan” named “Ira” asks if JBL fears the Undertaker. Fake callers are way better than real ones! Orlando claims that the Undertaker is the one doing all the fearing. Conversation rolls into Tough Enough and Jordan is essentially ignoring them so he can play his precious video games. Orlando claims to be the guy closest to being WWE champion. Blows off Dibiase/Virgil comparisons and lays in a few Mexican jokes on Eddie Guerrero. “Unknown caller from parts unknown” hangs up and blasts us with some gnarly phone noises. Love them technical problems. Orlando pimps himself but sounds distracted, so Josh dumps him. Josh and Mark dog on the production staff but compliment the audio levels. That’s actually a pretty astute compliment considering the disaster of last week’s Droz segment.
Phat ass jam about the Game Cube game, courtesy of John Cena.
Promo for the WWE Fantasy Salary Cap Game! Catchy name, you morons!
Josh advocates playing video games all day and night. Do you really think wrestling fans need MORE video game time? Lawler is here! The King starts to complain that he’s never been the General Manager, so Mark goads him into some cheap jokes about making the show all Divas. Don’t tempt Vince you imbeciles! In his only genuine moment during the entire show, Mark admits that no one’s watching. King likes the idea of the Seattle Slugfest and admits that his favorites have already been voted off. Poor King! He just reads Playboy for the articles, and defends Carmella but admits that she’s got a bad attitude and keeps to herself backstage. King thinks all women hate each other anyway. Just what we need, another backstage queen who’ll get fired and make softcore and/or alternative music. Josh goes to the phones, where T.J. from Long Island asks about who’ll win between Michaels and Kane. The call might have been real, but chances are his dad works in the production truck. WWE proves me right by having another kid ask who will win the Orton/HHH fight immediately afterwards. Both kids sound like the kid who answered Finkel’s trivia question last week, but I guess all kids sound alike to me. King picks Orton, incidentally. Josh asks about Christian and Chris Jericho, and King has no doubts that Christian will win and knows he is certainly not a Creepy Little Bastard. Didn’t that catch phrase die with Ray Charles and Jerry Goldsmith? They always die in threes, y’know. King is apparently one of Christian’s peeps. Another fake caller asks who will win the Rhyno match, which inspires Lawler to just SHRED Tajiri and Rhyno for at least five minutes. Claims Rhyno’s fan club meets in a phone booth, then talks about how badly their teaming has been handled, then claims that Rhyno would be the weak link in any tag team he was in. Damn, what did Rhyno do to King? Josh steers Lawler towards a discussion of his artwork, which our now cranky King uses to vent his frustrations at not having any published art since the Foley book. Didn’t his own book have some drawings and such? Suggests a cool idea where he’d illustrate some of his famous one liners for a coffee table book. A real deal fan calls in and takes time to say hi to all of them, which they totally hate. He asks what Lawler’s opinion is on modern female wrestling. Lawler doesn’t really like it and thinks that the Diva stuff is better. Lawler makes fun of the caller and then awkwardly hangs up because he can’t hear Josh trying to wrap things up neatly.
Unforgiven promo, nothing special.
Josh and Mark fall all over one another trying to pimp HHH/Orton. Josh gives out the number and perfectly sets the time filling shilling into motion with Mark Lloyd close behind. Listening to these two is hypnotic, as if their words were only a warm fuzzy blanket lulling me into a deep, comfy……………………. I… must… play the WWE Fantasy Salary Cap thingamajig. I… love… Randy Orton and his new theme…
Whoah! Orton/Kane footage wakes me up, but then immediately starts putting me… back… to… sleeeeep….
Whoah! I awaken just in time for HHH. Hunter doesn’t take any digs at the hosts at first but luckily Josh asks Hunter to unveil his game plan, which inspires his usual bullying anger to surface. Hunter goes into a tirade on Orton’s decision to leave Evolution, making all sorts of comments about how he allows Orton to have everything he has. I hate that it’s so smarky to read into anything he says now, but you have to admit there’s some irony there. Hunter then starts to praise Orton but admits that it’s not really Randy’s time to take the spotlight. Man, HHH is being brutally honest here, saying Orton has all the tools but needs to hone them so he can be a great champion in the future. No future plans for a new Evolution member, so Mark pimps the Evolution vs. Benoit/Regal match. Hunter points out that Regal is hypocritical in taking offense when people take advantage of Eugene, puts over Benoit as the best technical wrestler today, and lays in on the Flair worship. No plans on being a sixteen time champ, since a lot of Flair’s victories were short lived. Back to Orton, as HHH says that all Randy’s proved so far is that he’s really good at escaping situations. Another good point Hunter! His opinion on the Diva Search? “Bunch of bimbos going at each other for a bunch of money.” Apparently those girls would have to do a whole lot more for Hunter if he was dishing out the cash. “Blade: Trinity” gets pimped for a second, which segues into a funny comment about how the Rock needs to be pampered. Hunter puts over Kane but thinks that HBK has a good chance of taking him out on Sunday. He usually doesn’t get to watch the other matches when he’s at the PPV, since usually he’s too focused on his championship match to do anything more. Hunter gets a weak dis in on Josh but our hosts steer him back into MORE Randy Orton talk. Blabby blabby blab, I’m gonna beat him, Randy will crawl back to Evolution, talky talk talk. HHH tells them to talk to some other superstars and ask them some stupid questions, then hangs up. Despite Mark and Josh’s horrible questions and genuine fear of their guest, Hunter has been totally gold today.
Josh ends the show without saying something is “off the chain,” which scares me a little. Pimps Smackdown, Unforgiven, and next week’s show, in that order. Promo for the PPV ends the program.
Mark Lloyd? What a sucky choice. I know the kid’s trying hard and all, but he should be buried on the Sunday afternoon show until he gets some charisma or talen… look at me, getting all defense about Byte This when I secretly know that THIS is the show that the lowest of the low get dumped onto. Maybe Dreamer will get the Al Snow gig on Heat, then he’ll finally have a non internet forum for his Paul Heyman jokes and bitter comments about being forced into retirement.
