Ok so I made the name up…The Crucifix? I’m sure most of you clicked on the link and wondered if you were going to see a detailed explanation of how to put your opponent in a crucifix. No. Maybe some of you were looking for a little Jesus today. No. Maybe a single one of you was sick enough to want a transcript of Undertaker’s breathtaking speech from the dead at the ’94 Royal Rumble. For God’s sake I’m not evil. You know my format already but if you don’t go to my column last week and check it out…on with the show.
Raw 9.06.04 Quick Recap:
-The Bisch announces Eugene and Triple H in a steel cage. Strips Edge of the IC title. Christian vs. Jericho in an IC Title Ladder Match this Sunday. ($$$)
-Rhyno,Tajiri,Benoit and Regal def. La Resistance, Ric Flair and Batista ($$)
-Orton speaks
-Trish basically calls Lita a whore again. Nidia yells and slaps and throws water on Trish. (-**)
-Trish Stratus def. Nidia (UNO PESO)
– Bischoff and Triple H chat.
– Triple H def. Eugene in a steel cage match ($)
– Edge speaks (um…zzzzzz)
– Kane lays down the law with Lita.
– Chris Jericho def. Tyson Tomko ($$)
– Diva Search: Amy gets the boot. (-$250,000)
– Shelton (Mr.?) Benjamin is returning ($)
– Kane def. Randy Orton by DQ. Triple H makes it a cage match. Randy Orton def. Kane. ($$$)
– Evolution beats Orton down. Orton gets a chair and runs. (-* +$)
The Raw Weekly Membrane:
Legally:
-Eric Bischoff having two men fight in a steel cage could be considered a form of cockfighting.
-Randy Orton claiming the 3 new letters on raw are R-K-O could be considered a form of slander because H-H-H has not formally expired.
-Triple H fighting Eugene once again a hate crime. The after match assault is just that, assault.
-Kane forcing Lita to go to the ring with him is illegal.
-Dumping chili on someone is actually assault. And naughty.
-Kane vs. Randy Orton changing to a steel cage match is breach of contract.
-Using a chair is assault with a deadly weapon.
Personally:
-Christians “NO COUNTOUT! YEA!” was hilarious.
-Rhyno, Tajiri, Benoit and Regal vs. Evo and La Rez was fun.
-What’s up with Nidia getting all Status Hispanicus? Didn’t she used to live in a double wide? And date The Hurricane?
-Triple H and Eugene was short. But I like the sickness of going to kill Eugene’s arm.
-Edge should do the Bret Hart whiny bitch heel turn.
-I think Mr. Jacobs likes being Kane “Lita’s husband”
-The Diva search baffles me. Honestly, when they eliminate someone they shouldn’t just let them leave. Hire Saturn and Kronus and have THEM do the “Eliminating”. Also, the chili thing made me think of Cartman from South Park so I wanna say: “I MADE YOU EAT YOUR PARENTS! I MADE YOU EAT YOUR PARENTS!”
-Mr. Benjamin. Listen I watched him do a dark match back in the day and his music was like “It’s all about the Benjamins.” Just make him a P. Diddy clone and I’m cool.
-Wait. Was that a Russo “I lost the napkin” moment that made Triple H change Orton’s match to a cage?
Overall: Not a bad show. I was just caught off guard by Unforgiven being this Sunday. It seems like Summerslam was two nights ago. Damn hallucigens.
Smackdown! 9.9.04 Recap:
-Teddy Long makes Angle vs. Eddie Lumberjack match. ($)
-Open with JBL and Virgil…Orlando Jordan sorry.
-JBL defeats Charlie Haas. ($)
-JBL talks. So does Teddy. JBL vs. UT at No Mercy in a Last Ride match…PLAYA! ($$)
-Carlito Caribbean Cool promo
-Rene Dupree and Kenzo Suzuki def. Paul London and Billy Kidman for the titles. Billy can’t do the SSP anymore. ($$)
-Big Show return promo ($)
-Paul Lodon gets medical attention and bitches out Kidman. (-**)
-Booker T will be a Lumberjack
-Spike Dudley vs. Rey Mysterio changed to 6-man tag. Rey, RVD and Hardcore Holly def. The Dudleyz ($$)
-Kurt Angle complains
-Cena Raps
-Carlito Promo (Kicks a little girl’s sand castle over) (-**************)
-Teddy books Heyman vs. Funaki. Heidenreich kills Funaki. (-* +$)
-The Big Show def. EVERYONE in the Lumberjack Match. ($$)
The SmackDown! Membrane:
Legally:
-A Last Ride match encourages the use of weapon. Weapons are “WAIT FOR IT, WAIT FOR IT”… illegal
-Carlito stealing a phone is…well…theft.
-The Duleyz run in violates the Calvin Klein laws.
-The match being changed to a 6-man tag is breach of contract.
-Destroying a sand castle may not be illegal, but c’mon that’s just f*cked up.
-The Big Show running in violates the aforementioned Calvin Klein laws.
Personally:
-I’m not really minding JBL and his Clothesline from Auschwitz.
-Last Ride match? Ummm..Ok?
-It sucks it’s not like Paul London can be all like “I’m gonna get ROH on you beeotch” ECW guys sure did have it good.
-Cena needs to go do the Marine thing…like now.
-Like I said before, Carlito destroying a little girls sand castle is just f*cked up.
-By the way, if Carlito becomes “Triple C” you can set your stopwatches for the brand change that gets him murdered.
-Maybe Heidenreich can kick Little Johnny’s ass or at the very least TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK LITTLE JOHNNY WAS…whoa…what happened? I blacked out.
-Lumberjack was fun.
-Big Show’s return was so Big Show generic that I don’t think anyone will care.
Overall not too bad. It’s just hard to watch sometimes. Kind of like the car crash where you watch waiting for the body but you get somebody walking away. It’s a little disappointing.
News has been slow this week so I’ll replace that segment with some thoughts on todays 9/11 Anniversary.
3 years ago, wherever and whoever you were, you stopped dead in your tracks and witnessed something that none of us could ever fathom. From the time it happened none of us could be on the right track.
How could someone do this?
Who in the bloody hell are they?
What can I do to help and/or kill the people involved?
Good questions but it meant nothing to the moment. Swarms of badges and hardhats hit the scene. NYC, Washington, Pennsylvania. Selflessly thousands gave at a time where they didn’t know if giving would mean their life.
We all know that this is not new news to many of you. And I know many of you may want to know why this is on your wrestling site. Well quite simply: WWE tried to help too. Many people were critical of them for doing a live SmackDown! 2 days after the attacks.”Like a wrestling show could help” many said. Well guess what? It does. On Mondays and Thursdays when you turn on that TV you escape. Nothing that happened that day can matter because for some reason that television grabs you. It’s what grabbed you as a little kid and what grabs you now. So September 13th, 2003 the WWE gave back. When everything closed up shop the “traveling circus” did what they did to try and help the common person. Maybe some people skimmed channels and saw this on TV and said “HOW COULD THEY!?” but maybe others, maybe a kid that lost a parent saw this and stopped thinking. Maybe they escaped for two hours. In the end, that’s what WWE and everything about this business allows us to do: Stop thinking. The WWE tried, which is more than can be said for others. So a belated thank you (I wasn’t writing then)to the WWE.
On a final note, God bless every single human being that gave selflessly on 9/11 and the days and months afterward. True heroes have never seen a brighter light.
Until next week,
Dan Hevia
P.S. If you email me I reserve the right to use it in this column.
