Welcome back to The Bootleg. Y’know”¦sometimes, I think I’ve been writing this column for too damn long.
We all have those unique “events” that unfold from time to time. Y’know, the kind that make you stare up to the heavens hoping that God will let you in on the joke (or make you stare directly into the camera like Eddie Murphy after the “bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich” line from Trading Places).
This past Wednesday, I experienced one of these “events” and all I could think about was how I could fit this into The Bootleg.
Ah, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Our story begins on Tuesday afternoon. Mrs. Bootleg had called and suggested Italian take-out for dinner. For those of you who don’t know, the kitchen is the other room in the house that new parents have no use for, anymore.
I stopped off at a little hole-in-the-wall, loaded up on $20 worth of spaghetti, eggplant parmesan and thin crust pizza and hopped in the Saturn to finish off the remaining ¾ mile of my commute home.
Nothing.
I turned the key and the car wouldn’t start. Hell, I wasn’t even getting one of those “false starts/engine trying to turn over” that signifies a car bomb under your hood (see: The Pelican Brief or the Dr. Dre skit from his 2001 album, for details).
The wife was still at work, so that left me to call the good people at AAA. In mere minutes, some guy named Joe and his AT-AT Walker of a tow truck were on the scene. Unfortunately, this was more than just a dead battery as my American-made rickshaw took nearly 10 minutes to get enough juice from the jump.
During that time, Joe offered up some unsolicited soliloquies to help pass the time. For example, did y’all know that it was hard to find employers who, and I quote, “ain’t trippin’ off of hiring former felons”? Well, I sure didn’t. I mean Morgan Freeman did work his way up to “60-year-old supermarket sack boy” after his release from Shawshank, but he’s more the exception than the rule.
Anyways, it was obvious that the battery wasn’t holding the charge and, sure enough, the car died again just as I pulled to the curb in front of my house. So, Wednesday morning, I called AAA again and scheduled a tow to the Saturn dealership.
This time they sent a Steve Buscemi look-alike and fifteen minutes later the car was on the flatbed. Meanwhile, I was trying unsuccessfully to keep from touching anything as I sat down in the passenger’s side. Swear to God, before I die, I hope one day I’ll see at least one clean tow truck cab interior and one baby pigeon. I’m convinced neither exists.
After a few awkward minutes of dead air, the driver asked if he could stop at the station and pick up his brother. Ever wonder why you don’t see three grown men in the cramped cab of a truck? It was like a game of Twister, as we spent 20 minutes trying not to inadvertently touch each other.
We finally arrived at the dealership, but not before the tow truck guy sideswiped a 2004 Saturn VUE in the parking lot and ripped its driver’s side mirror right off.
Ten minutes later, I’m inside filling out the paperwork to get my car fixed when a khaki-shorted, red polo shirted Saturn rep comes running into the office, grabs the phone and mashes three buttons. I stuck around long enough to hear him say:
“Yeah, we’ve got a hit-and-run here at the Saturn dealership. A tow truck hit a parked car and took off without giving us any information”¦”
Thankfully, they unloaded my car first. Now, which camera am I supposed to look into?
The Goodness would’ve at least left a note on the windshield”¦
One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s”¦nah, it’s still trash
How’s that old joke go?
What’s the difference between taking out the trash and a garage sale?
I don’t know, but one of them occurs five feet closer to the curb. Along the same lines, it saddens me to report that pioneering online auction house eBay has become the dumping grounds for rock star rubbish.
This week, it was reported that nearly two dozen sellers were putting Britney Spears’ used chewing gum up for bid, including an auction for the gum Spears was allegedly chewing when she got all girl-on-girl with Madonna at last year’s VMAs.
Hey, speaking of which”¦can anyone explain whatever happened to the gum of my youth? I grew up on three sickeningly sweet brands: Hubba Bubba, Bubblicious and Bubble Yum. Remember how you could taste the gritty, almost all-sugar composition of those first few chews? Of course, not every kiddie confectionery conjures up such warm memories.
Have y’all forgotten the bottom of the Halloween barrel? Once all your favorites are gone, usually around November 10, all that’s left are the teeth rotting rejects like Bit O’ Honey and Mini Tootsie Rolls. If you never had these sweets, just put a rubber band in your mouth and start chewing. After 15 minutes it’ll feel like you’re making progress, but the candy (rubber band) is still entirely intact.
Your fillings, on the other hand”¦
A Prison Story Without One Reference to Oz!
So, let’s recap”¦imprisoned rapper Shyne caused a stink a few weeks back with the release of his latest album. It included a track that was allegedly recorded from “behind the walls” on a prison pay phone. Shyne’s actions led to the revocation of his phone privileges and now finally, we get his side of the story:
I categorically deny any intentional wrongdoing. This is about me inadvertently failing to comply with [their] Taliban phone rules.
Wow. And don’t think we don’t appreciate the irony of a criminal using the name of the most infamous criminals in modern American history to stir up sympathy for his unfair phone treatment.
This whole “MC Martyr” gimmick that locked-down acts like Shyne and C-Murder embrace is pretty nauseating. I don’t mean to sound so cynical, but my experience with incarcerated entertainers hasn’t exactly been all sweetness and sodomy lately.
Remember Life“¦? This was the aptly titled, molasses-paced Eddie Murphy/Martin Lawrence movie that had me openly rooting for the crooked white warden. OK, that might be a little harsh, but it’s still only a fictitious fate that I was wishing upon them.
Mrs. Bootleg watched it with me and suggested Martin and Eddie go jogging together later this summer.
Crash Twist Dummy
I’m torn on this one. It’s probably in extremely poor taste to make fun of Twista for the tragic car accident that took the life of his bodyguard, despite the fact that only the driver was wearing a seat belt. I mean, seriously, have we learned nothing from Bobby Hurley?
He wasn’t wearing a seat belt, either, in his 1993 near-fatal collision. From there, it was a fast fall from NBA Jam Tournament Edition to video game obscurity. Even the good people at Double Dribble no longer return his phone calls.
And let’s not forget “Greg”. You know”¦Greg, from that very special episode of Family Ties. After his fatal car wreck, he was forced to spend the subsequent 60 minutes (48, when you filter out the commercials) as a ghost, haunting an angst-ridden Alex P. Keaton.
“Greg” was last seen wandering around a subway station, trying to convince Patrick Swayze that “someone pushed him”. What, you don’t believe me? You think he fell? You think he jumped? Well, f*ck you! It wasn’t his time!
And, so forth”¦
Three Words: Fab-u-lous”¦
A few weeks back, we reported on Gene Simmons’ upcoming appearance on the new season of American Idol. Now, I know what y’all were thinking: “That’s just not gay enough for a grown man in aluminum-plated pimp boots and a Demolition Smash make-up starter kit.”
Well, later this month, it’s expected that Simmons will shoot a segment for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Now, I’ve never actually seen the show (I swear), but there’s already one thing that pisses me off about it.
Are the show’s hosts really known as “The Fab Five”? Jimmy King and Ray Jackson would be rolling over in their graves, if they didn’t have to work double shifts at the Chick-Fil-A.
I tell you, watching these former full-court phenoms flame out is akin to that Final Destination movie. That’s the one where a bunch of kids cheat death, but then death doubles back and gets ’em in the end.
All that’s left is Chris Webber, as Juwan Howard and Jalen(!) Rose are this close to joining Harold Miner and Omar Epps’ character from Love & Basketball at the bottom of my pile of NBA Hoops and Sky Box cards.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
Clay Aiken was recently named one of People Magazine’s sexiest celebrities. I’ll stop short of calling it an upset, though. Keep in mind that Darla inexplicably chose Alfalfa over the sawed-off shipping magnate Waldo in those Our Gang shorts.
Anyways, Aiken is overwhelmed by the entire hullabaloo and claims that he’s still a “skinny little dork”. Y’know, that self-effacing description alone might allow him to crack the top 30 of next year’s IWC 100. He could be Top 10 material if only we could do something about that “girls like him” thing.
Aiken has the rest of 2004 pretty much full as he’s already working on his sophomore album, along with a planned Christmas LP and an inspirational book set to be released later this year.
The tentative book title is Learning to Sing: Hearing The Music in Your Life. The alternate choice was Standing Next to a Sweaty Black Man Makes Everyone Look Better.
Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick Salemi
In case you haven’t had it rammed down your throats for the last few months, maybe you haven’t heard ESPN is celebrating their 25th birthday. And, the self-indulgence doesn’t end there.
Don’t get me wrong, I watch the network 10 times as much as any other, but it’s getting to be overkill. They are counting down lists of everything imaginable.
I’m sure the top 25 greatest guesses by Peter Gammons on a middle-relief prospect’s surgery comeback chances, the top 10 most incomprehensible football analysis comments (all by Michael Irvin) and the top 10 different shades of Dan Patrick’s hair has been can’t be far off.
Maybe it’s just me but it seems as though by celebrating their 25th anniversary along with these lists, it’s almost like they’re taking credit for the events and feats that occurred.
Never mind the fact that this whole concept makes it seem like nothing ever happened in sports before ESPN existed. They’re owned by the lovable Disney corporation, so I’m sure the last thing they’d ever try to do is re-write history.
In honor of ESPN25’s Top 100 Innovations in Sports, we’ve decided to take some of their list and (what else)”¦make smart ass comments about them.
#85 Premium Baseball Cards
Nick: Quoth ESPN:
“That has turned a kid’s pastime into a collectibles business oriented more toward adults”.
They’re right. Who would pander a product to kids and turn it into a moneymaking machine? It’s a small world after all”¦.
Aaron: $3.99 for a pack of eight cards? I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it, recently. I blame Ken Griffey Jr.’s smiling mug, as I’d blow entire allowances in the hopes of landing that elusive 1989 Upper Deck Rookie Card.
Hundreds of dollars later, I’ve got nothing to show for it”¦unless someone wants a bulk discount on some Alvaro Espinozas.
#67 Super Bowl Commercials and #56 The Super Bowl Halftime Megaspecial
Nick: A perfect example of the distractions put in place for half-assed sports fans. Sadly, these are the same clowns who get dugout seats and 50-yard line tickets.
Barry Bonds made a hit! I like when Tom Brady throws the football!
“Honey, wasn’t the new Bud Light commercial hilarious?” No, it wasn’t. Put the game on, and get Justin Timberlake and Aerosmith the f*ck off my Super Bowl.
Aaron: The Super Bowl commercials have led to the insipid Monday morning “analysis” of each ad the next day. Do we need eight different opinions of the effectiveness of Clydesdales playing football?
And look around the stands at next year’s SB. You’ll see a whole lot of empty seats during the “superstar” performance. Now, when you’d rather stand in line for the chance to squat over a public toilet”¦
#63 ESPYS
Nick: Hey, way to pat yourself on the back, guys. Nice line too:
“The ESPYs signaled the moment when big league sports and celebrity became forever intertwined.”
Easily, the most forgettable awards show of all. I think they should let me pick the bizarre presenter pairings. Wouldn’t you pay to see Bill Cowher’s creepy stare while presenting “Best play of the year” with Jessica Simpson?
Aaron: Let’s be honest”¦if Jim Valvano hadn’t chosen the inaugural ESPYs in 1993 to give his “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up” speech, would we even be having this discussion? Oh, and landing Samuel L. Jackson to host every other year isn’t really a testament to the show’s credibility as it is to Sam’s continued availability.
#51 Baggy Shorts
Nick: OK, It was a fashion trend that everyone black and white follows to this day. No one would be caught dead with nut-huggers on. But this can hardly be considered a sports innovation. I understand they described this list as a potpourri of things but honestly it’s just a few more inches of mesh.
Aaron: The real reason John Stockton was forced to retire. I can’t help but think how different the basketball scenes from The White Shadow and Teen Wolf would’ve looked if Go-Go Gomez or Scott Howard had been in XXL shorts.
#30 Madden Videogame
Nick: This one I agree with. I’m quite sure that some form of Madden was on at all times in my dorm or apartment throughout college. But now, I’m much too mature to”¦what you got Madden 2005?
Do they have the rookies all in it? Cool, I’ll be right over. Should I bring my controller?
An under-rated bonus I always thought never got the credit it deserved was the fact that they even made Summerall sound hammered in the videogame.
Aaron: So, what happens when you actually “win” at this game? I mean, the football season is only 16 games long. Factor in three weeks of playoffs and you’ll probably have this one conquered in less than seven days. All for only $59.99, too? Well, put me on the reserve list for Madden ’06, today!
#29 WNBA Formed
Nick: How on earth is this league still functioning? The redheaded stepchild of the NBA has long-since outlasted its usefulness. Which never existed to begin with. Time to take Old Yeller out to the shed.
Aaron: Jesus, can ESPN be both shameful and shameless? Never mind that the defunct ABL women’s league debuted before the WNBA or that ESPN is the league’s broadcast partner. Women sports will never catch on in this, or any other country”¦unless of course Connecticut one day secedes and forms its own land next to Petoria. Nick Salemi for President.
#18 X-Games
Nick: Skateboards, bikes and snowboards, I’ll accept, but it’s not really sports, because winners are judged, not unlike diving and figure skating. Anything else is really pushing it. And by the way, jumping out of a plane with fiberglass attached to your feet isn’t a sport. Also another reference directly to the network as the X-Games is officially sponsored by ESPN. Modest bunch, no?
Aaron: Turning “slackers” into “somebodies” since 1995. This is like human NASCAR as most of us only watch to see who’ll be the first one to die. Almost makes me wish I had asked Santa for that subscription to Thrasher when I was 13. At least he brought me a pair of Vans and a Swatch.
#16 ESPN.com
Nick: Wow, should I leave you guys alone with yourselves? Get a room!
Aaron: Unquestionably, the best sports site on the net”¦but you can’t vote for yourselves! And, what have you guys influenced except a bunch of no-talent hacks on other sports sites who think”¦um, moving on.
#5 Retro Ballparks
Nick: The perfect example of the 90s and today. Trying to invent history without letting it develop on its own. Well, we’re in a hurry! Our club needs a new retro park?
Huh?
“New retro” is an oxymoron”¦ah never mind. In an unrelated note, how awful is it that the Marlins have two World Series banners hanging in their football stadium?
Aaron: “Retro” means $8.00 microbrews, $5.75 for garlic fries and a corkscrew slide for the kiddies so they don’t have to burden themselves with, y’know, watching the goddam game. You mean Ebbets Field didn’t have a Coca-Cola Fun Zone? I’m shocked, I tells ya.
#1 Air Jordans
Nick: This is it? The number one innovation is expensive sneakers? Here’s what they said
MJ’s personal name brand sparked a marketing revolution — and near-riots when new models came out. Players became brands, marketing became more important than results, and the Swoosh took over the sports world.
Hmm, the marketing became more important than the actual athlete? Wouldn’t that be sort of like the people announcing sports and sports highlights somehow thinking they are bigger than the athletes and games themselves?
ESPN, I love ya but you take yourself a little too seriously.
Aaron: 15 years ago, kids were getting shot in the streets over the newest Jordans when they hit the streets. Athletic shoe culture has become so ridiculously glorified, that a commercial recently aired with DJ Clue all in a panic because he dropped a speck of jelly on his new kicks.
Hey, have you ever noticed how “innovation” and “exploitation” kind of rhyme?
General Haberdashery
Can you believe that it’s been a month since the debut of Inside Pulse? Well, to celebrate, we’re offering up our usual array of great writers and women’s lingerie.
Don’t believe me? Well, you can have both with Gloomchen showing off her black bra. Oh, and she’s got a new column up, too. It’s somewhere ’round here. I’ll check her underwear drawer.
Fernandez has girl-related stomach problems or stomach-related girl problems. And a 411 writer takes the Jukebox Challenge”¦and chooses Jif.
Canadian T. reunites The Minority Report with his New Releases column. He’s also got some hockey talk mixed in, which should hold y’all until 2006 or whenever the next NHL Labor Agreement is reached.
Mathan’s latest literally has people writing me saying how good it is. If you love Tupac, you’ve got to read it. If you hate him, you’ve got to read it, as well. Oh, and he bashes Good Charlotte, too, for all you non-rap fans.
Tommy Delicious dishes on the women of metal, with nary a mention of Tawny Kitaen’s work with Whitesnake. I think someone needs to be Finleyed.
Cory drops some IP Sports knowledge on his favorite baseball team. And, look”¦it’s not the New York Yankees or Boston Red Sox, either!
Movie Joe Reid may be the best movie news writer in upstate New York and his latest does drop more F-bombs than a one-eyed carpenter’s convention, but he and I go toe-to-toe this week in Fantasy Football. The winner will be showered with praise, the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!
Tayo goes off on Eminem and updates y’all on his new living situation. Did Ashish forward my housewarming gift to you? Let me know and I’ll autograph it for only five bucks more.
Junk Mail
Last week’s list of “Unattractive Women You Know You Want To Sleep With” brought in most of the feedback this week”¦here’s a sampling of what y’all had to say:
Just another reason why I visit Inside Pulse every Friday. You and Nick have to do more sh*t like this. If this becomes a regular feature might I nominate Chyna? She could even put it on her list of accomplishments on her resume, along with those monster truck rally autograph sessions and her work as Ms. Mann in the first Scary Movie. – Gregg
Chyna was inexplicably far and away the leading vote getter amongst the forgotten. Who captured the silver medal?
Come on, guys. It begins and ends with Diana Tsurasi (sp?) And the good thing is that in her case, “attractive” is only 10 minutes at the MAC counter for her. You can paint her up when you go out on the town or brown bag her mug if you just want to run to Starbucks or something. – B.F.
And some of the rest”¦
How about Tisha Campbell from that ‘My Wife and Kids’ show? I like how her jaw and cheeks actually seem to get wider as you go down her face. It’d be like sleeping with Bullwinkle’s gay squirrel partner. – Dan. P
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Since you’re a child of the ’80s, I know you’ll appreciate this. How about Julie Brown from the old days of MTV. Either one will do”¦the light-skinned one with the fake ass accent or the fake ass redhead who looked like a rotten pumpkin. – C.S.
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Connie Chung. I hate myself for admitting it, but we all know that Maury Povich ain’t hitting that right. She’d be dropping me a little Jaqkwez Chung in no time. – P.P.
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I swear to god, somewhere between Moesha’s gums or Kirstie Alley’s resemblance to the namesake of my fair city, I passed out from the laughter. That I returned for a dissection of the virtues of Steffi Graf and Gabriela Sabatini (the subject of the single funniest line in Hot Shots Part Deux, by the way).
And it should be noted, by the by, that Jennifer Capriati might not have the best game on the women’s tour, but she certainly has the biggest face in tennis. The girl’s a walking caricature. She belongs in the Humungo Face Hall of Fame along with Jayson Williams, Edge, and South Park’s Mr. Mackey. – Movie Joe Reid
You know the routine, kids”¦Let’s make this a regular feature by sending your nominees either here or here.
Life With the Bootleg Family
My day of reckoning is coming.
Kid Cameron’s day care provider (i.e. this chick we know) will be on vacation for the next two weeks. The plan is for Mrs. Bootleg to take next week off and for me to play Mr. Mom during the week of the 20th.
The wife keeps asking if I’m going to be OK and I tell her all the “right” answers (“Sure! He’s in good hands”¦I know what I’m doing!”), but I’m thinking to myself, that after seven months of fatherhood, I have no”¦f*cking”¦clue.
(Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.)
For instance, sometimes the kid will start crying while he’s sleeping. It lasts for about 15 seconds, he never opens his eyes, then he goes back to sleep. Is this normal?
That’s not a rhetorical question”¦I really don’t know. And after all this time, it’s too late to ask the wife since I’ve convinced her that I’ll be comfortable around all of Jalen’s little baby quirks.
See, that’s the one problem with being such a legitimate liar”¦eventually, you paint yourself right into a corner until you’re exposed for the fraud that you are. My goal for those fateful five days isn’t so much to keep Jalen fed and/or happy”¦it’s simply to keep him alive.
Who’s leaving another popular entertainment site and joining Inside Pulse? I know a se-cret. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
