Well, this week has been quite fortuitous regarding the Short Form. Smackdown was uploaded shortly after it was broadcast, Wednesday Night Slapnuts was available when I got home early from work on Thursday, and Impact wasn’t tagging along too far behind its broadcast. It’s a shame that we’re losing Wednesday Night Slapnuts from our roster, and that puts me in a quandary as to naming this column as of next week. Tag Team Short Form or Double-Team Short Form? I need your opinion on this, so please contribute.
In the meantime, let’s see what happened on each show, shall we?
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
High-Quality Speaker Boy over Charlie Haas, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Clothesline From Hell): Well, it was sufficient as an opener. That’s about the only good thing I can say about the match, my love for Haas nonwithstanding. I just don’t like to see Bradshaw wrestle. He’s a great SE guy, but as a wrestler, he still hasn’t advanced past the Stan Hansen impersonator phase he was in when he first came in.
Your chimp, High-Quality Speaker Boy
Kenzo Suzuki, Rene Dupree, and his diacriticals over Paul London with a slight contribution from Billy Kidman, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Suzuki pins London, head-first leg sweep, New Tag Champions): Very fast-paced match, a big surprise for Suzuki. I didn’t think he could handle it. But, it’s another Angle Advancement Match. Billy Kidman needs a shrink, doo dah, doo dah, and whoopdef*ck.
Rene Dupree applying move number 536
Rey-Rey, Rob-Rob, and Bob-Bob over Buh Buh Ray, D-Von, and Spike Dudley (Pinfall, Rey-Rey pins Spike, springboard leg drop): I didn’t cease to care when Van Dam got involved. That went out the window when Holly did his run-in. But I’m not the only Van Dam Hater out there. Jonathan Martin has the following comment:
“*Eddie Guerrero vs. Rob Van Dam – Ladder Match (Monday Night Raw)
Alternative commentary with Guerrero and Van Dam ” as a bonus feature on the Eddie DVD coming out.
What the hell could RVD have to say? WTF! The only way it would be interesting is
1. If he can blow commentary like he can blow spots.
2. If he comments on the blown spots.
Van Dam has to get his spots in
Kurt Angle versus Eddy Guerrero, Lumberjack Match (ND, schmozz): This sounds a little strange, but I’m getting sick of Eddy/Angle matches. It’s like having a good sirloin and a lobster tail for dinner. It’s wonderful if it’s a special occasion, but you tend to get tired of it if you have it every single night. That being said, it was a very effective way to bring TBS back. Dominating not one, but twenty-two men, and to one helluva crowd pop. The guy still has his fans. Now let’s see what he can still bring to a match. If they want to go face, they’ve got an obvious opponent for him in Reigns, which would be a good feud for both of them.
Who needs lumberjacks when you have the Angle Lock?
Better Him Than Dubbaya: Just to show you how much I like High-Quality Speaker Boy’s SE, I laughed my ass off over him claiming credit for improved economic indicators, higher housing starts…wait a minute, he’s a complete liar, since the economy still sucks. So f*ck him and f*ck Dubbaya. And f*ck the glorified ambulance match for the title with UT. Get two other people involved in a title match, and I’ll care.
Tomy Chimel Needs Etiquette Lessons: “Accompanied to the ring by Fifi and Hiroko…”? The DOG gets first billing over the hot geisha? Yeah, the Bitch of the Baskervilles must still be in charge, promoting her species over the humans. By the way, there’s no truth to the rumor that Fifi was caught on the Enterprise set in Porthos’ dressing room.
THE WEDNESDAY NIGHT SLAPNUTS SHORT FORM
Frankie Kazarian and Jerrelle Clark (hold it, Jerrelle Clark?) over, in order of elimination, Petey Williams, Delirious, D-Ray 3000, Chris Sabin, Mikey Batts, Shark Boy, Michael Shane, Amazing Red, Sonjay Dutt, and Johnny Devine, First Portion of the X Division Dominance Match: Weird rules for this match in case you didn’t see it. Twelve wrestlers on six teams start in the ring in an over-the-top battle royal. The last two men in are joined by their tag partners to complete the challenge. This was the first part, which led to the next match, so I’m not going to dwell on it.
The makings of a clusterf*ck
Kazarian does NOT fear the Fro
Michael Shane gets the 718
Jerrelle Clark and Mikey Batts over Frankie Kazarian and Michael Shane, Second Portion of the X Division Dominance Match (Yeah, I don’t believe it either, Pinfall, rollup): The last time I saw a pair of jobbers win a tag match, the jobbers were named O’Haire and Jindrak, and they weren’t jobbers for long. Clark and Batts do have the goods (even good enough to fake a blown spot), but they’re not in the same league as Kazarian and Shawn’s Cousin. And you wonder why people don’t take TNA seriously.
Mikey Batts rolls up Michael Shane for the victory!? What universe are we in?
Erik Watts, Sonny Siaki, and Desire over Abyss, Alex Shelley, and Goldylocks (Pinfall, Desire pins Goldylocks, Abyss backbreaker): So, Borash, it’s an “intergender six-man tag”? So that means that the participants are intergender males? I knew there was something going on with Goldylocks. And that means Gagnon’s a homo. Thanks for the outage, Jeremy. That’s what you get for staying at 411. Both of you. As for the match, the contribution from the alleged women was minimized, and everyone went home satisfied courtesy of Abyss’ face turn. That’s more than you can say for most WWE matches these days.
The Hoss Abyss takes Sonny Siaki for a ride
A. J. Styles over Kid Kash, Tables Match (A. J. wins two tables to one): After all the brutality that we saw in ECW, this one came off as a little, well, tame. It was more like a WWE Tables Match, only without the Dudleys. Could have and should have been a lot better. Give me their street fight from a couple weeks ago instead of this one.
A. J.’s moonsault is a thing of beauty
So is his kicking ability…can you tell I’m a fan?
FatDust over Scott D’Amoron, Grudge Match, Vince Russo as Special Guest Ref (Pinfall, elbow drop): Oh, dear God. As a person who tries hard to keep his weight down to the 200 pounds I got out of the Army at, I refuse to make any kind of fat joke regarding this. Unfortunately, that’s the only content that can be applied.
The least ugly screen cap I could get
Chris Harris and Elix Skipper over Chase Stevens and Andy Douglas, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Harris pins Douglas, spear, New Tag Champions): You had a feeling the moment they did the injury angle with Daniels that it’d be these two in the match. Dropping the titles to them, though, telegraphed the ending of the main. There had to be a title change on this Very Special Edition of Wednesday Night Slapnuts (“very special” translating into “last”), and this was the one. Give credit to Harris and Skipper; they worked damn well together. However, the whole “mismatched tag partners” thing has been done to death, and this one’s going to be weird given the face nature of the two teams involved. Are we going to have a grand merger of AXMXWX or something?
The standard Naturals double-team didn’t gain results this time
Jeff Jarrett over Jeffykins, World Title Match (Pinfall, Greco-Roman Slapnuts): Naturally, I skipped ahead to the schmozz ending, but from what I saw, it was a pretty wild brawl. Guess that Hardly A Boy is adapting quite well to the TNA style, whatever that may be. Oh, hell, who cares?
Jeff Jarrett blades for you
Maybe He’s Not Such A D’Amoron After All: Object lesson: to go after FatDust in an atmosphere that allows it, mention the money that Vince threw at him and mention the yellow polka dots. Of course, don’t mention the fact that he actually pulled that bit of humiliation off and got way the f*ck over. That would just kill the whole thing.
He’ll always be a D’Amoron
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
A. J. Styles and Jeffykins over Chase Stevens and Andy Douglas (Match Length: 3:32, Pinfall, Styles pins Douglas, Hardy Swanton): You know how I feel about a certain participant in this match. So despite my love for Styles and enjoyment of the Naturals, I skipped it.
Tinkerbell does his little signature move
Monty Brown over Vordell Walker (Match Length: 1:02, Pinfall, Pounce): Damn, Fleabag, you’re right. Monty Brown is getting better with each passing week. The promos are already magnificent. Now the in-ring stuff is starting to come into play. Yeah, it was a jobber match, but it allowed him to show off. Not bad.
The most feared predator on the Serengeti pounces
Frankie Kazarian and Michael Shane over Mikey Batts and Jerrelle Clark (Match Length: 2:27, Pinfall, Shane pins Batts, superkick): Well, this was a revenge match from Wednesday, and therefore the jobbers got no real offense in. Pretty bleh after seeing the great action in the opener(s) on Wednesday.
Shane giant-swings Batts
Abyss over Brian O (Match Length: 1:08, Pinfall, Black Hole Slam): Typical Abyss match. Next.
Typical Abyss dominance. Next.
Johnny Devine and Bobby Rude over Elix Skipper and Chris Harris, Non-Title Match (Match Length: 5:04, Pinfall, Devine pins Harris, Rude Northern Lariat): Not a bad match, but too weirdly booked for me to enjoy. This was also billed as an angle advancement match (“Can the tag champs work together?”), but, fortunately, they cut out most of that crap. Yeah, they work really well together. I’d like to see an AMW/XXX tag match at Victory Road, winner take all.
Your mismatched tag champions
Why I Hate Don West: The introductory “recap” of Wednesday Night Slapnuts is a case in point. West started with the volume turned up to 11 and stayed there. It was actually painful to listen to. Fortunately, I watched the show (see above), so I could skip through it.
Even Tenay can’t stand it when West goes spaz
And that’ll be it for this week. Well, we do have the Round Table coming up for Sunday, and I’m participating in that, so you’ll still get another minor dose of me, but the booster shot will have to wait until Tuesday. Until then, don’t trust anyone, not even me.