InsidePulse’s TNA Total Impact! Report 09.10.04


If you’re familiar with 411, you might know me from the MLW Recaps I did there for the two and a half hours that fed existed. If you’re from the old WWE With Authority Crew, hi and long time no see. For those of you unfamiliar, a couple years ago the WWE had a decent little online trading card game called With Authority. I was an admin type there, as well as the recap guy for all the WWE shows on the forums.

We start with the recap of The Big Event, which I am sure you are all familiar with after reading the last PPV Recap. Wow, Crazy Mixmatched Tag Champs! That has SO NEVER been done before! Tenay and West are out to talk about The Biggest Night In TNA History. They had to turn away over 1000 people, you know. We get to listen to West yell the results from the PPV, which is just another reason why you should just Read The Recap.

They switch to a video recap, including the Clark/Batts mini push, the Abyss turn, table goodness including the German Suplex where the table only sorta breaks (ok, OW), Those Crazy Mixmatched Tag Champs, Clubberin, and your choice of #1 contender, Abyss, Monte or Raven. Jarrett isn’t going to pull a HHH and lose the belt in a 4 way to Monte Brown and then gain it back in a singles match, would he?? Naaah…

This Wednesday you get The Best Of The Tag Team Division on PPV, right in time for there to be no more PPVs. Go figure.

We return from commercials to see MORE Recap from the tables match, including the German Suplex where the table only sorta breaks (ok, OW). Wow, Deja Vu. Hey look! A wrestling match!

The Naturals vs AJ Styles and Jeff Hardy

The Naturals come out and look all serious and stuff, selling the title loss from the PPV. Is it just me or is the start of Jeff Hardy’s video package a day glo colonoscopy? Anywho, AJ takes over quickly, and semi-misses a spot, but covers up quickly. The Naturals take over with Clubberin, and a suplex gets two for Stevens. Backbreaker gets two as Douglas tags in. Did Tenay just say Savio Vega was doing Spanish Color today? Did he bring his bat? IWA Fever! Catch It! You can always tell a how bad a match is by the number of times another federation is brought up during the recap. AJ wriggles out of The Natural Disaster, allowing Hardy to make the Hot Tag. Sorta Brainbuster by AJ, Swanton, AJ gets the pin. That was a whole lotta nuthin. * So I guess The Naturals aren’t getting the belts back. I dunno if The Naturals were told to tone it down as part of the semi-squash, but they were limited to three moves: Punchy, Kicky, and Missing And Looking Stupid.

Shane Douglas interviews Dusty. MIS-communi-CAYTION, if you wheel. I love Dusty because when he cuts a promo you have no clue what he’s saying. Seriously, try to transcribe a Dusty interview once. The man is a genius.

Monte Brown vs Vordell Walker

Tenay tries to explain what Dusty just said, but neither I nor West can figure it out, even with Tenay’s help..
Monte whips Walker chest first into the corner, then folows up with a High Knee. He follows with a Double Underhook, then the Pounce, and when he yells like that it makes MY throat hurt. One minute squash. DUD. Does anyone else find Brown’s sniffing to be a little, well, let’s be kind and call it “odd”?

More hype for the Tag Team Hits PPV this Wednesday, yet somehow they didn’t think to actually TELL US what matches were going to be on it. Just sayin.

We come back showing Shane and Kazarian choking vs Batts and Clark at the PPV. Coinkidentally, we have

Michael Shane and Kazarian vs Mikey Batts and Jerrelle Clark

Clark goes for a quick roll up for two and the heels are not amused. Swinging Neckbreaker lets Kazarian take over. He drapes Clark on the ropes and kicks him in the face. Shane comes in with a suplex, thn rubs his arm in Clark’s face while he’s on the mat just to try to be Cool Like Regal. MAKE THE REGAL FACE! MAKE THE REGAL FACE! But perhaps I digress. Shane busts out The Giant Swing (!) and Kazarian hits a dropkick during one of the rotations. They call their finisher Modern Art, I call it Total Elimination, and that gets the win in an unfortunate squash. * I miss The Regal Face.

Shane Douglas interviews Russo, and it’s Dusty’s fault that Hardy isn’t champion. He doens’t know who the next #1 contender is, it may even be someone Outside the promotion. *coughspankycough*

Abyss vs Brian O

Brain goes to duck a clothesline, doesn’t get low enough, and gets Clubbered on the head. Corner Squash flattens O dead. The announcers comment on Abyss coming out alone, just in time for the Black Hole Slam to finish things. DUD. Brian O is no Barry O.

Six Points Of Impact is up after the commercials and HOLY CRAP I FORGOT I HAVE TO WATCH THIS NOW. At least it’s not the Diva Search. Jeff Hammond is at a Nascar track and talks about why Jarrett won. The main reason, he says, is because Jarrett is the boss. Hammond of course doesn’t realize what he’s saying, as he’s obviously reading a script, so the Unintentional Humor Level here is pretty high.

Jarret comes to ringside with the Belt, El Kabong, and a big ol’ boo boo on his forehead. Jarrett wants to know where his haters be at. Dag, yo. Jarrett wants to know why he’s still the champ. Maybe he should ask Jeff Hammond. A FEEBLE “We Want Hardy” chant breaks out. Jarrett wants em all lined up and he’ll knock em down. He doesn’t care WHERE they come from. Hey! Maybe it’s Savio Vega! Now THAT would be cool. Jarrett tells Russo to bring in an Outsider, and smiles evilly as he says maybe he’s already beaten Russo to the punch. He goes out of his way to tell Russo to think extra long and hard about what he just said, since they’ve only said Outsider about eight times today. I have a bad feeling about this, and I don’t mean good bad, either.

More PPV Recap, featuring Those Crazy Mixmatched Tag Champs. See, they’re Crazy, they’re Mixmatched, and they’re the Tag Champs. Now all they need is a dog that shifts his eyes back and forth so you know it’s evil.

Team Canada vs Those Crazy Mixmatched Tag Champs, non title

For the PPV impaired, this is Bobby Rude and Johnny Devine vs Elix Skipper and Chirs Harris. Elix gets his Kicky Kicky in on Devine. Harris gets the Davey Boy Smith’s Delayed Suplex on Devine, which Skipper ends with a Crossbody of the top for two. Nice. Evil Canadian Shenanigans let the heels take over, as Rude even busts out a Sorta Evil Non-French Canadian Dance. What I think was a Rpck Bottom gets two, let me rewind and check. Sorta, he did a Full Nelson into the Rock Bottom. Anywho, Devine Intervention aka a Moonsault, gets two. Lukewarm tag to Harris, and the Canucks go flying. Running Powerslam gets two. Skipper sends Rude outside, and the Reverse Hart Attack is broken up with a hockey stick by D’Amore. Elix hits a plancha on D’Amore, whih lets Rude hit a clothesline to the back of Harris’ head, letting Devine get the pin. They really need to do this more, the whole Not A Squash thing, even though the match was shaping up that way. **1/2

The rest of Team Canada comes out for the post match beatdown. The betdown goes on for a couple minutes. Too bad they don’t each have a partner that wants to save them. FINALLY Storm and Daniels come out, but here come The Naturals. And then of course we get the 3 Live Kru, because heaven forbid Impact doesn’t end with a giant schmoszz. It’s weird because it wasn’t a “Maybe Storm and Daniels are pissed” vibe but more of a “We can’t really figure out how long it should go before the save” vibe. It could just be me.

The show then ends with a recap of TNA history, which I would bet you a nickle you’ve seen before. They conclude by saying the PPVs will now be Not Weekly and More Expensive without actually saying it.

When I told a friend I got this gig, his main comment was basically “Hope you like squashes.” He wasn’t wrong. I’ve heard it said that TNA runs Impact this way, because you use squashes to build a story. Without going on an extended rant about how messed up THAT is, let’s just say that hopefully with the PPV change Impact will go to a less predictable match format. Even if they only sneak in one good match per hour when our backs are turned, that’s all we really need. This is a pivotal time for TNA, and hopefully Impact will play an important role.

Given my track record with MLW, I fully expect an announcement tomorrow that Impact has been cancelled.