Hello New Readers to my recap/column on all things RAW brand this week. My name is Matt Gardner and it is my pleasure to bring you the clipped recap of Monday night’s hottest show…I’m 23 and been a wrestling fan for about twenty years now…I think I achieved, I believe, smart status in the late 90’s – I bet alot of us started to get online more around the time “Bret screwed Bret” – so like 96 or 97. I’ve written for a few different websites, and used to have a wrestling column in my hometown newspaper the CDA Press. They ended up putting a syndicated Chris Woodward shitfest in there, which is fine cause the motherf*ckers gave me like no space to write anything worthwhile anyway. I’m married, but seperated, so basically I have a little extra time on my hands…cough cough. I work for Verizon and you never know someday you may end up calling 411(not mania!) and getting me. Until then, I look forward to rambling on somewhat coherantly week in and week out right here. If you have any wrestling questions, or TV/Movie questions or relationship questions or whatever email me here.
Let’s see Smackdown was pretty much a suck fest this week, but wasn’t RAW pretty shwag?! I sure am glad I get to sit through again, just for you!
The show starts with a recap of the IC title situation…From two weeks ago where Edge took the DQ loss, and from last week when my favorite Creepy Little Bastard, Christian made his triumphant return by taking out Y2J. You know it was only a short time ago that Chris took Jay out via the Walls on RAw and then screwed up MY chances of seeing them wrestle each other 5 days later here in Spokane at a house show. We had to settle for a nicely down opening promo by the injured CLB and then a house show worthy Jericho-Tomko Cage match…anyway…
Our WWE brainwashed host Mark Lloyd – who seems quite proud of his girlie facial hair – starts the show by taking us right back to the start of RAW this past Monday in Texas….JIP as they lift the cage up. And by “they” I mean the great and powerful Oz. Kevin Nash you say? You never know. Bischoff explains that the torn groin that Edge sustained at a house show will take him out of commision well past the mandatory 30 day contratual obligation of the IC title. Bischoff then garners some nice heat by stripping Edge of said title and that brings out…like Edge maybe? Wouldn’t he be pissed enough to (pulled groinage and all) make his way down to the ring and beat the shit out of Eric? Anyway, it’s actually Christian. The uncrowned IC champ. Captain Charisma believes he should be the title holder again and all of us peeps would be rioting if he’s not, but fellow Canadian and TV running buddy for a looooong time now, Chris Jericho makes his way out to the ring and proceeds to make sure that Easy E sets up a match between himself and CLB tonight! Eric agrees there should be a match, but not on RAW…he wants people to pay out the ass to see these to guys go at it again! So he books ’em for Unforgiven. First the talk about the stipulation being another cage match, but thats been done to death as of late. Christian then does some keen mic work and suggests a “No DQ” affair. No one pops for that. Jericho on the other hand has a better idea: Hang the strap at Owen like heights above the ring, obtain a “large metal climbing apparatus, and then dump in a big pile of CLB and some freshly squeezed Y2J – mix, shake it and bake it” – and then out comes a very acceptable creation in a Ladder Match for the title. It’s on like Charlie Brown, and I think it could be the show stealer, folks. After the match is set, Jericho puts Christian in the Walls, but Tomko ran out and saved his ass. So is this feud still over Christian f*cking Trish or is that backburner now?
Ya, so the WWE is holding Unforgiven only a few hours away from me in Portland tomorrow night. I’ll be live and in person at the Smackdown! taping set for Spokane this Tuesday and plan on having a full report for you the wonderful, giving and kick ass readers of InsidePulse Wrestling as soon as I get home.
I thin it was the Slam of the Week, but who care its just Trish nailing the Chick Kick on Nidia this past Monday on RAW – that gives Mark Lloyd the opportunity to plug Trish vs. Vic at the PPV. I just hope they start to blowoff this Stevie Richards gimmick. Give the guy something good to do for once…f*ck is the Blue Meanie still around or did he die from f*cking all those porn stars too much?
BE goes to a video recap of the Chili contest with the Divas from Monday night. Everyone I’ve talked to is hella down for Christy to just take this whole competition at this point. Amy ends up getting jobbed and they show off the wwe.com interview from later that night. I wonder if they’ll address the Carmella incident on RAW or whatever.
WWE Smackdown in Spokane promo from Mark – he puts over the 4th match in the Cena – Booker series…Book’s ahead 2-1 at this point, so unless the WWE is going to write Rapper Boy right out of the storylines this week in SpoCity because of his movie, I would think Cena would get the tie up win and take it to 5 match next week, but you never know. Maybe the Big Show will come out and bury them both. Fuck ’em. And you all know what? Here’s a shocker: I LIKE JBL! That’s right my years of enjoying drunk, ass-kicking Bradshaw wiped from my memory those moments in childhood where John – bullrope and all – worked with Uncle Jeb and beat up on Sparky Plugg and the like. So his change the last few months has been pretty cool and I’d just like to see what happens if the gimmick really catches on.
Same video of the returning Shelton Benjamin from RAW of course…looks like Shel may just be known as Mr. Benjamin now, and that makes me think hecould even end up being seconded by Mr. Hughes. That might actually draw the kid some heat and make his character better actually. Where do they go with Shelton when he does come back? I doubt they’ll throw him in a main event World title feud with Randy Orton, but the two did have a nice series of matches earlier this year. He’s a tough character to write for and push just right I think. He’s young, over as shit in most places but not quite ready just yet for any more than mid-card I think.
Match Uno – 8 Man Affair! Rhyno, Tajiri, Benoit and Regal vs. The Nature Boy!, Deacon B, and La Resistance
This is of course joined in progress also, and like three quarters of the way through. Flair is working over Rhyno before and nice hot tag that brought in Benoit to just totally clean up and kick ass…they clipped the hell out of this and it was actually a pretty good bout if memory serves. Benoit makes Conway tap to the Sharpshooter and by the way they will be in Calgary(smackdown house show) this Sunday, so what’s up on Bret returning at the PPV or RAW and knocking out Bischoff to become to new GM. That would rule. God knows, we all want Bret back!
Mark sells another couple of PPV matches, with Batista and Flair taking on Regal and Benoit in another very good match on paper. And the tag title match, where I think the company would just be completely retarded – like even moreso than Eugene – if they didn’t appease me and the rest of the fan base by getting the straps on Ry and Taj…then after they drop the belts in a few months to…say, Regal and Benoit, we could have a good old fashioned heel taj vs. quasi-heel Rhyno hardcore feud to finish out the year. Maybe throw the IC title into the mix if things go right, you know.
YJ Stinger recap of Edge’s 5 second pose of madness over being stripped of title…Edge basically says after his quick recovery he will return to take back what was wrongfully taken from him. So that’s basically what Christian just did and every other guy so who gives a f*ck Adam. Go heal your shit and lets see if you can really main event once and for all. I suspect a run against Trip or Randy when he does get back. If the Fed decides to reteam him and Christian more than one time it may really f*ck there singles careers up in the marks eyes.
Match Dos – Chris Jericho vs. NotMike Tyson Tomko – match is JIP as Christian brings a ladder out to the ring. A desperate attempt to get over the match stip in one fell swoop. After some creep-aference Tomko nails a pretty sweet reverse Angle Slam or something and gets the pinfall victory…is that Tyson’s first win since his debut or what? Post-match – and JR calls it a Home Depot special, Christian nails Jericho right in the noggin with the ladder and then triumphantly climbs to the top of the ladder. I think that was my favorite moment on RAW. The EVOLUTION of Christian continues to come along quite nicely. Will he be on the top of mountain come this Sunday though?
Nice video recap of Orton and Triple H with emphasis on Orton’s spitting and sledghammer abilities from last week I believe. The Eugene-Hunter match from two weeks ago where Randy saves him and hits H with the RKO and gets Eugene a win is replayed. “The hunted has become the Hunted!” They like to put over Trip so damn much, they should just hire Helen Hunt or something.
Match Tre – Cage Match – Triple H and the Severe Cage Raping of Corky Thatcher – I actually enjoyed the hell out of this Monday night. We’ve all been good little smarks and sat through this WHOLE friggin Eugene thing for almost 5 months now, right? So for me, seeing Nick get the shit beat out him by the Game was some good shit. They need to make sure the people know that Eugene is dead and Hunter reigns supreme and if that means literally driving the point into the ground, then they did a great job. Dinsmore sold everything awesomely, and while I can live with Eugene as a roleplayer, I look forward to Nick returning – hopefully – as a bad ass heel or Rabid Chris Benoit type role – something like he did in OVW. As with most Triple H segments, I thought this one came across very well and just made Trip look like the cocksucker that he is…now will he win back the title this Sunday? I actually think he will! Hunter’s had a shitty year so far thanks to Benoit and HBK, so I’m going against the proverbial grain here. Randy’s young, he could feasibly win a million more titles in his career – it could go either way.
Another Unforgiven Rundown –
Orton vs. Triple H for the title – first time these two have wrestled each other too! Could be a classic we’ll all be watching in twenty years.
Flair and the Deacon vs. Regal and The Crippler – Fuck it! Go out and buy both Flair and Benoit DVD sets and then a case of Bud Light. The Regal-Benoit match was worth the price alone cause it’s one of the few on the set I hadn’t ever seen.
Tag Strap: Resistance vs. ECW Dudes – EC-Dub all the way!
Trish vs. Victoria – unless Stevie interferes I don’t see Trish dropping her title just yet.
Show stealing Ladder Match for IC title – I have a ton of faith that both guys will bring the goods.
Kane and his new bride take on The Heartbreak Balding Man – Shawn doesn’t job too often, but this should be a nice chapter in the continuing sage of the happy homemakers.
Lloyd leads us into the replay of Kane “forcing” Lita to watch his extreme death blow killing of Shawn from a few months ago. But because this is the Bottom Line the good shit – like all the fake blood – is edited out, so it’s basically a quick shot of Kane’s maniacal smile, a jump from the top rope and Michaels leaving on a gurney…and as the segment ends back on Kane face to face with Lita, one must wonder if Lita will completely turn heel tomorrow night…somethings gotta give in this. As a life long fan I demand it! I wanna see something cool…anything cool. Let’s say Lita-ference backfires and one of the two dudes knocks her down and basically therein lies the “lost the baby” angle or something. Shawn surely will not job though.
A quick commercial for the Ric Flair book…haven’t seen this one in awhile…Personally, I read the book over a month ago in like 2 days…it’s a helluva a read and brings the entire industry that much more into focus for me as a whole. Anyone have a e-book version of it so I can download the motherf*cker?
Match Quatro…. As we return Lloyd sets up the conclusion of the Orton-Kane bout from RAW, joined in progress well after that cage was put around the ring via a justifiable Bitch-off ruling. Kane is killing Randy as Trip stands outside the cage watching on. At one point Orton gets Kane to crotch himself on the ropes and that sets up one of Randy’s only good moves, the dropkick. Besides the RKO, the dropkick and his f*cking resting headlock is there anything he can do? Actually he nails a nice inverted neckbreaker, which Kane sells like his neck is literally broken. Until he hits his unpatented Undertaker situp to stop Randy from going over the top of the cage…Randy gets a chair and gives him very nice chairshot followed by the Diamond Cutter…er RKO. As Randy attempts to leave the ring he outmanuevers Hunter and escapes the winner. Yes I too could beat Kane if I had a chair and Dallas Page’s finisher. But, I digress. Just about as soon as he’s out of the cage, the rest of Evo is down there to get them some. I’d like to see what would happen in “real life” if a 57 year old man like Flair started f*cking with a 24 like Randy…no wonder Batista is the Enforcer. By the time Randy gets thrown back in the ring, he sort of Hulk’s up back to life, but then it becomes 4 on 1 as he attempts to leave the cage as opposed to getting killed by the Feds top heels. RAW went off the air last Monday with Randy escaping the wrath of Hunter – at least until Sunday. And yes, Randy’s new theme music is GAY and yes they should’ve just given him the Evo music anyway. Fucking face turns. Doesn’t the WWE know that he’s a natural heel? I mean look at the the damned crease in the forehead when he frowns…I wonder if it would have killed Triple H to just let it go and instead of feuding with Randy he could’ve accepted his title win and kept Randy as a jackass heel, but with the title. I sometimes thinks that Trip must not sleep well unless he truely has the title. I’m serious…hey Levesque the world doesn’t completely revolve around you dude! There’s just something about Orton as the good guy that rubs me the wrong way…maybe everything will be more clear Monday night after Unforgiven.
On this the 3rd anniversary of the terrorist attacks, let’s all remember to just be cool with one another. You never know what a new day will bring. I f*cking lost a $13 an hour cake-walk job with Travelocity two months post 9/11. Sure, I’m bitter. It sucked. But here we are three years later, still alive and wondering why the f*ck JBL and Randy Orton are leading the company. Fuck shit, maybe we all had a big worldwide nervous breakdown three years ago today? Then again, I bet by this time next month it’ll be Angle or Undertaker and Triple H as the main title holders, you know….anway, thank god we got through another year without having to endure any planes crashing into nationally known buildings. And I bet with a little help from you Mr. Joe Voter, we could elect someone good like John Kerry just to make damned sure it doesn’t ever, ever happen again. I’m not saying having a Demo in office will do exactly that, but it’s far less likely to happen I guarantee it.
Have a great week everyone and I will be back next Saturday right here with more fun shit – like my thoughts on Unforgiven and My 5 Favorite Matches I’ve Seen Live…a little something special and nostalgic…and of course the Bottom Line report. Cause you just know RAW will be poppin’ off in SEATTLE! And keep an eye out for my first person account of the Smackdown tapings. I expect lots of Big Show this week.
