The Saturday Swindle Sheet #60

I hope Fred Durst dies of AIDS.
-Some random guy at a local bar, 9/5/04

See, there actually is someone out there who hates him more than me!

Could I have a few more packets of mayo, please?

Mayo?

Yes, please…

Two wasn’t enough for your chicken sandwiches?

Well, I, uh… I eat my fries with mayo.

With your fries? Ooh, you nasty!

-Dialogue betwixt myself and girl at White Castle, 9/8/04

You’re damn right I’m nasty, and that’s just the way they like it…

Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Walker’s Prawn Cocktail flavour crisps, as well as Strongbow Cider, as I am just finishing off the large cache of food that I brought back from my trip to London in June.

First and foremost, this column happens to fall on the 3rd anniversary of what has come to be one of the most catastrophic events in American history. So, to those of you who happened to actually buy Mariah Carey’s Glitter, when it was released on September 11, 2001, we at the The Saturday Swindle Sheet have you in our thoughts in prayers.1

1 This is in no way meant to trivialize the World Trade Center attacks. I would most certainly be remiss not to express my grief to the families of those lost on 9/11.

Oh yeah, and happy 500th birthday to Michelangelo’s David. I am an art fag.

THE OFFICIAL SATURDAY SWINDLE SHEET NEW WAVE MIXTAPE
(Part 2 of 16)
New Order, “True Faith”

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

That_Bootleg_Guy is the Courvoisier to my Cazadores. He finally experienced the joy that is sitting braser style in the front of a truck, and a tow truck at that. Being a Mexican, I have very often been subjected to being cramped three, four, or even the dreaded FIVE-person side-to-side in the front of a pickup truck. It’s usually occurred when I’ve had to commute to my job as either a landscaper or a busboy, with my 17 brothers, 15 sisters, and 38 nieces and nephews.

Mathan may very well be in contention to receive more reader mail than Eric S., Hyatte, and Dana Suzanne combined, as he has decided to challenge 2Pac in what is a brilliantly writrtesfkncv jfnvj vn j vjcjn v; , kl’ , n m
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Sorry, that flashing ad on the right hand side of the page just gave me a hell of a seizure. On the bright side, I have just won a digital camera.

Blotto is still nowhere to be found, as the surrogate Blotto for this week’s Opposing Elements is Miss Tuesday Night (who, as Aaron has previously reported, enjoys black bras), as the two discuss some of metal’s leading female vocalists. The column also contains some really great pictures of attractive Norwegian women, as well as Fake Goth Band’s Amy Lee (who should ditch the band and pair up with either Tricky or Roni Size), and that beastly Otep, who would make a good professional wresdhfbc jknvn kl m,;v , x v nmnjs zxc. N
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Sorry, it got me again. I’m going to have to disable Flash if this continues…

Trevor is HERE with the rundown of new releases for the first half of September. Also, for a small fee, he will personally come to your house and sing for your wife and spank your children, or vice versa!

Check out InsidePulse’s very first Rocktable, our monthly music roundtable feature. It cures depression and angst. If you read it, beautiful women will want to have sex with you. If you are a woman, and you read it, Scott Keith will have sex with you.

NEWS TO USE

Rapper Twista was injured in an automobile accident that occurred late Sunday night on Interstate 90 near Erie, Pennsylvania. Twista and his entourage were travelling from Syracuse to Chicago when their van swerved off of the road while in a construction zone, flipping over onto a median and ejecting everyone but the driver from the vehicle (he was the only one wearing a seatbelt). One of the rapper’s security guards was killed in the accident, while Twista himself was treated and released at a nearby hospital. According to the Erie County District Attorney, “It’s a miracle that any of them survived because all of them, except for the driver, were ejected onto the medial strip.” He added that the county wasn’t certain on whether of not they planned on filing charges for property damage, and also refused to say what the cause of the accident had been. I’d wager a pretty decent amount of coin on the fact that that shitstarter Lil Jon had something to do with it. He is most certainly a detriment to the well being of society.

Following up on a story from way back in February…

Speaking of The Sycophantic Shithead, one of his cronies by the name of Loon was charged with stabbing a security guard last Friday. Loon posted a $1 million bail and was released in time to make it to the Hip-Hop Summit Action Network youth voter registration event in Los Angeles, where he told reporters, “I’m innocent, that’s first and foremost … I’ll leave it at that. It’s a very unfortunate situation.” Loon had been arrested with two acquaintances after a security guard was stabbed outside of the House of Blues in West Hollywood. Apparently, the men tried to get into a release party for some Lil Jon & the Eastside Boyz DVD, and attacked the lone guard after he refused to let them in. This just shows that Lil Jon is a total shit starter. He doesn’t even have to be in view… but if he’s somehow involved, the shit will hit the fan. The world would be better off if he and Fred Durst and Ja Rule were blasted out into space in a capsule and never heard from again. I’ll contribute $300 of my own money to that cause right now. Anyone else?

The felony assault charges against Loon, which stemmed from said accident, were dismissed this past Wednesday by a Beverly Hills Superior Court judge due to inadequate evidence. According to the district attorney, when asked to identify which of the three men (including Loon) that were present at the time of the assault had committed the stabbing, both the victim and his witness were unable to confirm who it was. “I just want to thank God first and foremost,” Loon told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet in an EXCLUSIVE interview. “My prayers were answered, I’m very grateful. By ‘God,’ I of course mean My Lord and Savior, P. Diddy, who was able to buy off the judge, the plaintiff, and his witness. I proclaim Beverly Hills to be known from this point on as P. Diddy Is A God, California.”

Singer Jay Kay of Jamiroquai had his driver’s license revoked for six months, and was fined $1350 after committing a severe speeding infraction. While driving on a busy road in Perth, Scotland, he had passed a line of stopped cars, exceeding the posted speed limit by more than 30 mph. Kay had pleaded guilty, and written a letter to the court stating that he had “set out early in the morning but had become stuck behind slow moving traffic on the single-carriageway road.” While nobody had caught a glimpse of his plates, several people testified that they had seen the driver wearing a large, obnoxious, fuzzy top hat, and Dr. Seuss’ Cat in the Hat had witnesses that placed him at a villa in Johannesburg, South Africa, at the time of the incident.

Several members of the Congressional Black Caucus have voiced their concern for R. Kelly making an appearance at their Annual Legislative Conference in Washington Saturday night. While several people are questioning him for the child porn and statutory rape charges, his spokesman argued, “Legislators should know more than most that you’re innocent until proven guilty.” In response to this statement, Louisiana congressman William Jefferson told a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “I would not have invited R. Kelly. I knew he was going to be problematic when he asked all of the congressman if we have any 14-year-old daughters, and then asked if they liked to have their faces urinated on.”

Australian shag-rock band Jet has a new album coming out sometime in the next decade or so. According to drummer Chris Cester, ” We want to get Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson to guest on the album-as many talentless people as possible … We want as many people who don’t write their own songs as possible. That’s the whole point. What the world needs are more talentless people.” When he heard this, Fred Durst got really pissed off because nobody in the entire world actually believes his claims that he slept with Britney Spears.

In the fall of 1960, whilst attending a private boarding school in New Hampshire, democratic presidential candidate John Kerry played bass in a less than stellar local band known as the Electras. The band, who did covers of late 1950s pop hits like “Summertime Blues” and “Ya Ya,” was able to scrape together $1000 in order to get an album pressed and distributed. While 500 were originally made, very few remain in circulation, and the few that have surfaced have snagged upwards of $2500. Larry Rand, the lead singer and guitarist of the band, has decided to remaster the original tape and release it on CD, available at www.electrasrockandrollband.com. However, band mate/pianist Jack Radcliffe claims that the Rand version of the remaster excludes credits to some other members of the band, and says that his remaster (available at www.johnkerryandtheelectras.com) contains the original artwork, along with liner notes and sketches. In other news, 50 Cent looks like a shaved mule.

BITS ‘N’ PIECES

Franz Ferdinand, the Scottish pop-rock band that has received tremendous amounts of critical acclaim over the past year, received the UK’s Mercury Music Prize, an award that has been given to outstanding British and Irish bands for the past 13 years. They were able to beat out 11 other nominees, including Basement Jaxx, Belle & Sebastian, The Streets, Joss Stone, and Jamelia.

Shaquille O’Neal recently released a song with DJ Vlad, called “You Not the Fightin’ Type,” in which he made derogatory comments about Ben Wallace (of the Detroit Pistons, who the Hollywood Lakers last year), Skillz (who likes the Pistons), and even his former teammate Kobe Bryant. According to several media outlets, people nationwide are appalled at the fact that Shaq has been allowed to rap again.

Jennifer Lopez’s 28-ft luxury boat was absolutely annihilated by Hurricane Frances while it was docked outside her Miami Beach residence. Little does she know that this is just an implied metaphor for what havoc one Jeffrey R. Fernandez plans to wreak on her sweet, supple derrière, one day…

The Sycophantic Shithead is in the process of putting together a new “band” for his Making the Band series. However, this time around, he has said that he intends for it to be an all-female band, which will be called Dream Part Two.

According to lead singer Stephen Brodsky, after having released just one album, Antenna, on RCA Records, Cave In has apparently split from the label. They are only a few songs away from finishing a new album, which would probably make a good coaster.

Ladies and gentleman, the InsidePulse première of the now WORLD FAMOUS (due in large part to the fine folks here at The Saturday Swindle Sheet) Blu Cantrell pr0n pics!

THE LATE NIGHT JUKEBOX

This week’s featured contributor for our Jukebox feature is Iain Burnside, from InsidePulse’s Comics Nexus…

U2 – “Bad”
Many years ago, before their singer became friends with the United Nations and their performances were not enhanced by over-sized novelty stage props and rapid-fire video footage, U2 simply focused on making music – and they were very good at it. This song was released on the Unforgettable Fire album just after they had made it big in the UK and just before they would do the same in the USA. They were riding the cusp of a creative wave and, for me; this song remains the best thing they did in that era. It is written for a friend of theirs who was slowly killing himself through drug abuse. Instead of beating him over the head with the “just say no” card or condoning his actions, they instead focus on the hope that he can be set free and “throw this lifeless life-line to the wind.” Considering the amount of preaching they would do in later years, this is remarkably restrained, especially Bono’s lyrics and, more importantly, his delivery of them. We all know the man can sing, but with this song he grabs your balls and pokes your eyes whilst doing so. Just listen to him pouring out the “I’m wide awake, I’m not sleeping” refrain with everything his heart can muster. It’s the most moving song that the band has ever done.

Joy Division – “Love Will Tear Us Apart”
What can I possibly say about this one? Hmm… Well, NME once voted it as the greatest single of all time, which is of course obscenely high praise that the surviving band members probably wouldn’t want, but it’s still true. If there was such a thing as an audio dictionary then you would hear this song when you looked up the word ‘haunting,’ and that’s not just because of Ian Curtis’ suicide, it’s because of the pure brilliance of the lyrics and the music. None of these other songs are going to come close to this one but hey, let’s see what else is out there on Winamp this evening…

Echo and the Bunnymen – “The Killing Moon”
When in doubt, continue to pick songs from the Donnie Darko soundtrack. This was also released in the early ’80s, back in the days when you could get away with only releasing 9 tracks on an album as these guys did with Ocean Rain, which contained this little gem. Of course, when I say ‘little’, I really mean ‘9 minute long epic’ but it’s worth every second of it. Try and imagine Jim Morrison and The Doors growing up listening to punk rock and you’ll be on the right lines for this one. Lyrically intense tales of fated love on a cruel winter’s evening mixed in with some goth-lite brooding and a pounding rhythm all adds up to one hell of a listening experience.

The Smashing Pumpkins – “Today”
“Homer Simpson, smiling politely…” Yup, still makes me laugh… Anyway, I hate Billy Corgan. Not only is he by all accounts a walking bundle of masturbation but he makes some seriously great music in his egotistical way, which makes me hate him even more for actually being that talented and knowing it. Grr. He’s like the X-Pac of rock music, except that X-Pac doesn’t actually have talent; he just has hair, so that analogy doesn’t work… Anyway, this breakthrough hit for the band still stands as my favourite track of theirs even after all this time. Corgan’s ‘silent sigh’ singing style speaks for every flannel-wearing, neurotic Clerks fan out there that is just completely devoid of any intentions. It’s an ideal song to nod along to whilst sipping a spirit of your choice…

Snow Patrol – “Wow”
Have Universal started their marketing assault on North America with this band yet, or do you lot still have the pleasure of hearing this band for the first time to come? They’ve had a major breakthrough year in the UK in 2004 and it is thoroughly deserved. This song off their third album, Final Straw, is a good indicator of what to expect. They’ve taken inspiration from the sweetest sounds of The Flaming Lips, the moodier moments of Neil Young, and, in this case, added an industrial-lite undertone similar to U2’s Achtung Baby. This song is just bursting potent vibrancy, something that the band has in abundance as opposed to the likes of Coldplay and Keane, to whom they are often compared with. It also reminds me of a good friend of mine who got me into the band in the first place last year, then had the audacity to move to another city and leave me alone in that crappy job… Grr… Hey, you know I’m just kidding! Anyway, top tune. Get it.

Sonic Youth – “Teen Age Riot”
Remember them? I sure hope so, because they are still around and still as untainted as they ever where. This is the opening track to their most lauded album, Daydream Nation, which was pretty much the link between the post-punk ’80s and grunge-style ’90s music that seems to be permeating most of this list so far. It pretty much typifies Sonic Youth’s ability to get you all riled up and eager to get out there and change the way the world works despite never really cutting loose, screaming out loud or truly rocking out. Instead they went the ‘avant-garde’ route. I loathe to use that term on a rock band, but it seems adequate to describe the unorthodox sounds they introduced for a whole new generation of bands to rip off, such as the whispered introduction to this song before it steadily emerges and describes a whole nation of kids trapped and in need of a leader to show them what to do. With lines like “It’s time to go round a one man showdown, teach us how to fail. We’re off the streets now and back on the road on the riot trail” you could be forgiven for thinking they could see into the future and predicted Kurt Cobain’s legacy…

Creed – “My Sacrifice”
Welcome to Cheeseville, population – you. Look, I apologise for adding something so bloated onto this list, alright? It’s just that as a wrestling fan I am needlessly subjected to a lot of truly awful music (I’m looking at you, Orton) coupled with a lot of truly magical video packages, and the WWE Desire shorts that were accompanied by this song are absolutely legendary. Hell, even the fan-made ones were good, especially Bret Hart’s. So go ahead and mock Creed for being so pompous. I’ll even join in. But let’s just keep this song for the benefit of wrestling fans the world over, mmkay? That shot of Undertaker and Kane being reunited as Spazzman growls “Hello, my friend, we meet again” is still electrifying…

The Rolling Stones – “Moonlight Mile”
This is the quintessential chill-out song. It is the aural equivalent of struggling through a wet and windy winter’s day then melting into the arms of your loved one whilst sipping hot chocolate in front of a roaring fire, just gently keeping the freeze at bay with honest love as you freely let time slip by… I’m rambling again but I just love this song so much, particularly the line “I am just living to be lying by your side, but I’m just about a moonlight mile on down the road.” Sigh…

Led Zeppelin – “Travelling Riverside Blues”
“Squeeze my lemon, till the juice runs down my leg. I wonder if you know what I’m talking about.” Or so says Robert Plant on this cover of an old Robert Johnson track. Neither man was very subtle in their lyrical connotations… Anyway, I felt compelled to add some Zep to this list. Usually, I would pick one of my all-time favourites, “Tangerine”, but that’s still suffering from a case of overplay at the moment so I went with this one instead, mainly due to my flatmate lending me his copy of BBC Sessions, which is just a superb album. You could pick any song off of it, really, but this one has the appropriate mixture of blues, funk and rock that only Zep could pull off in such style.

Red Hot Chili Peppers – “Breaking the Girl”
From one sex-obsessed singer to another, this time it’s Anthony Kiedis on centre stage. This song is far more sensitive than the majority of RHCP material at the time, however, and is basically just a lament over a broken relationship and the regret he feels for causing such sorrow. I’m sure most of us can relate to a similar experience at some point in our lives… I could say more, but I’d probably need to be drunk first. Maybe tomorrow, because this is the end of part one and so part two shall have to wait until I am rudely awakened at the crack of dawn to go to yet another day at the dungeon of employment and will truly need some music to vent-a-long with… Only four more days to go, only four more days to go…

R.E.M. – “Leaving New York”
Has this officially been released yet? The only copy that I have is an MP3 taken off a BBC 2 broadcast with some dopey presenter muttering over the intro and outro. Still, it’s a bloody good song that continues R.E.M.’s recent, uncharacteristic streak of releasing great first singles off their albums and so I’ve already pre-ordered my copy of Around the Sun from Amazon. There’s a little bit of everything the band has mixed into this one – some gentle folk, some mystical production, some determined lyrics and, of course, the obligatory sweeping chorus. It’s all about the memory of 9/11 and it’s bloody brilliant. If the rest of the album is as angry and relevant as Michael Stipe claims it is, then we’re all in for a treat…

Pearl Jam – “Down”
I just had to put a Pearl Jam song on here somewhere. I’ve been listening to their stuff practically every day for the past year or so, which is kind of scary really. It’s amazing that so many people still dismiss them out of hand as some outdated grunge band that should have just died off with the rest of them, when in actual fact they outgrew that genre way back in 1994 with Vitalogy and have constantly made the best music of any rock band in the past decade. This is a particular favourite of mine, mainly because it is just such a simple, throwaway little ditty about getting off your arse and not being miserable all the time and since I need a lot of motivation to do that, this comes in handy. It was originally released as a B-side to “I Am Mine” and was included on their Lost Dogs collection, but if you want the absolute best version then check out the Benaroya Hall live album.

Oasis – “Songbird” (Demo)
As with Pearl Jam, I just have to include an Oasis song on here somewhere. They have become so associated with “Wonderwall” that you’d be forgiven for thinking they were nothing but one-hit wonders… Wrong! Even now that their massive Beatles level popularity of the ’90s has faded, they are still making quality songs. Hell, even Liam Gallagher is, not just his brother Noel. This is a beautiful little tune of his from the Heathen Chemistry album that he wrote for his missus, with charming lyrics like “gonna write a song so she can see, give her all the love she gives to me.” The album version is just him and an acoustic guitar but personally I prefer the amped-up rockin’ and rollin’ demo version that was on the DVD single release, so go download that one if you can find it.

Linkin Park – “My December”
Yup, Linkin Park. They take a lot of criticism but for an MTV band they are willing to try and improve themselves instead of happily sitting back and counting the cash. Apparently I have some weird version of their “Hybrid Theory” album because this track doesn’t seem to be on most of the other copies I’ve seen. Oh well, the version on Reanimation was better anyway, even if it does have a stupid kewl nu txt kinda, like, wtf spelling, k? Plus, this song actually inspired me to start working on a comic book. I’ve since put that on hiatus to work on a different book, but I’ll get back to it one day. It’s The Crow meets The Waiting Place with a sprinkling of NYX on top…

Bob Dylan – “Shelter From the Storm”
“Well I’m livin’ in a foreign country but I’m bound to cross the line. Beauty walks a razor’s edge; someday I’ll make it mine. If I could only turn back the clock to when God and her were born, ‘come in,’ she said, ‘I’ll give you shelter from the storm.'” That’s why this one is so essential.

Interpol – “PDA”
They are, of course, hugely inspired by Joy Division. However, like Oasis with The Beatles, their music is interpreted by their influences and not derivative of them. They are also Franz Ferdinand with balls and are thoroughly more deserving of the success that band is currently experiencing than they are. This was the song that won them a record deal in the USA and it’s easy to see why, with it’s throbbing, pulsating hooks and subversive beats topped off with great lyrics like “you’re so cute when you’re frustrated, dear. You’re so cute when you’re sedated, dear.” Their new album, Antics, shall be released in a couple of weeks so keep an eye out for it. You may be pleasantly surprised.

The White Stripes – “In the Cold, Cold Night”
The White Stripes made their mark on the mainstream music scene with fancy videos and short, snappy rock tunes like “Fell in Love With a Girl” and “Seven Nation Army”, but they’ve always been far smarter than that and have an encyclopaedic knowledge of their musical roots. This track in particular stands out, not just because it’s sung by Meg instead of Jack, as a gentle blend of sensual blues and cool jazz. I just hope that she continues to sing lead on more of their songs. Lines like “you make me feel a little older, like a full grown woman might, but when you’re gonna grow colder come to me again in the cold, cold night” basically make this the female answer to Dylan’s “Shelter From the Storm.” In fact, listen to them both back-to-back and you’d probably need to go and take a shower afterwards.

Beck – “Everybody’s Gotta Learn Sometime”
This is a cover of an old hit from somebody called The Korgis, although I’ve never heard the original. I just heard Beck’s version of it on the soundtrack to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which is still standing tall as the best movie of 2004 even though it will be completely overlooked by the time the Oscars come around and, even if it miraculously wasn’t, they would no doubt pass it over in favour of some insipid real-life drama about a woman overcoming a thrush problem against the background of the Hindenburg Disaster or some such nonsense… Stupid bastards… Oh, music? Right. Well… it’s very, very good and you should all check out Beck’s Sea Change album for some original material in a similar vein. It’s hard to believe he’s a Hanson…

Elliott Smith – “Ballad of Big Nothing”
Why did he have to die? This song is probably my favourite of his but… damn; I just can’t find the words to sum up all the feelings it brings. Truth be told, I can barely listen to his work nowadays because it is too emotional to bear at times. In wrestling parlance, he would be Owen Hart… R.I.P. to the both of you fine gentlemen…

The Who – “Baba O’Riley”
Well, I certainly need a cathartic ending after that one and this does the trick. Seriously, can anybody listen to this song and not be inspired? It sounds as fresh on every repeat listen as it did when you first heard it. Amazing. It also, somehow, seems to neatly encapsulate every other song on this list. Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble on for so long, Jeff. I do tend to get a bit carried away with my music at times. Fittingly, I’m now going off to watch the most under-rated comedy around at the moment-That ’70s Show! Try it, it’s been scientifically proven to cure all ailments. Except colonic irrigation. Yeah, that one still has to be done old school… Good night, everyone. I shall see you over in the Comics Nexus on Tuesday…

Thanks to Iain Burnside for taking part in what Carmen Electra has called her favorite feature to ever appear in an InsidePulse Saturday music column. You can send your questions and/or comments regarding this list to iainburnside@gmail.com, and be sure to check out his latest edition of Marvel News & Views.

FROM THE LABELS

ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS

http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html

Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.

INFLUENCES

Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up in the CD carousel as I wrote this week’s column…

Rush, “Closer to the Heart”
Jim Carroll, “People Who Died”
Elvis Costello, “Accidents Will Happen”
Skinny Puppy, “Grave Wisdom”
Sheep on Drugs, “TV USA”
Dilated Peoples & Tash, “Soundbombing”
UNKLE f/Thom Yorke, “Rabbit in Your Headlights”
Information Society, “What’s on Your Mind”
The Cramps, “Domino”
The Eagles, “Tequila Sunrise”
Killing Joke, “Inside the Termite Mound”
Shirley Bassey, “Big Spender”
Fuel, “Hemorrhage”
The Only Band That Matters, “Straight to Hell”
Basement Jaxx, “Bingo Bango”
A Perfect Circle, “3 Libras”

THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK

This week it’s a tie, between this, and…

The UK’s JW Lees Brewery recently named a beer after Madonna to coincide with the Manchester leg of her Reinvention Tour. It is called Material Girl Ale, and those who have tasted it say that it has a nutty flavor. In other news, the preceding story has broken the record previously held by the story about 50 Cent being a judge at a banana cream pie making/gun shooting contest in Monkey’s Eyebrow, Kentucky, for having the largest possible number of punch lines.

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Jeremy Botter on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I just jumped into a Chevy, headed for big lights. Wanna know the rest? Hey, buy the rights.

Cheers
-JF2k4!

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