New Kids On The Blech: Surreal Life Episodes One And Two

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Hello everyone, my name’s Mike Lawrence, and I’ll be with you all the way on this journey they call “The Surreal Life”, now in it’s third season and it’s first time on VH-1, a channel that has become so obsessed with the obsession of pop culture itself, that a show about six has-been celebrities seems more comfortable here than it did on it’s former home, the WB. Any show that has the gall to put Ron Jeremy and Tammy Faye Baker in the same house at the same time, instantly garners my attention. It has all of the basic elements of a reality show, complete with confessionals, except these people really were famous once, and as hard as it may be to admit in some cases, the public loved them. But that was long ago, and they haven’t seen their agents numbers appear on caller I.D. until now. This week to catch up I’ll be reviewing the first two episodes of the season, and after that we’ll be right on track with one episode a week. As Al Bundy used to say, “Let’s rock”.

The Surreal Life-Sundays at 10:00 P.M. on Vh-1

Episode 1- Six Degrees of Irritation”

We get right into things with the intro, which lays down the basic concept and the cast. Six celebrities live in one house, no T.V., no internet, all they have is each other. This is the Surreal Life. This season’s housemates come into the house, one by one. And they are-

Seventies Latina icon Charo, dancer of the Hoochie Coochie, and guest star on “the Loveboat”. On a personal noteI’m sad to say I purchased her “How to do the Macarena” dance tape at the dollar store. Morbid curiosity plagues even the best of us.. Charo pulls up in a pink Cadillac to the house and introduces herself via the confessional as fun facts run across the screen. She‘s a classically trained flamenco guitarist and appeared on the Tonight Show With Johnny Carson 45 times. Being first in the house, she gets her own room with a big pink bed, she shares with her dog Coochie.

Flavor Flav- Member of the revolutionary rap act Public Enemy, and walking fashion template. Seriously, if people aren’t walking around in Viking hats, something is wrong in the world. Fun facts: He served three sentences in jail and has 6 children by 2 women. Flavor Flav introduces himself to Charo by asking if her “maracas” are real. Now that’s a first impression you don’t forget.

Jordan Knight-Former member of boy band sensation “New Kids On the Block”, had a slight resurgence in the late nineties with short-lived solo career. Fun facts: N.K.O.T.B. sold over 60 million albums and after they broke up Jordan sang Elton John songs in a bar. He’s enthusiastic about seeing Flavor Flav, but Flav has no idea who he is, until Jordan mentions the two of them meeting at the American Music Awards in 1990. Flav recalls the memory and surprises Jordan with a bellowing yell and a grappling hug.

Brigitte Nielsen- AKA the white Grace Jones. Starred in the Sunday afternoon classic, Red Sonja. Fun facts- She’s from Denmark performs as a musician in Europe under the name Gitte and was married to Sly Stallone.. Flavor Flav doesn’t know who she is either, but immediately disgusts her by flaunting his gold teeth. She pushes him up against the wall, and then nudges Flavor Flav, who admits in the confessional, “If she wasn’t a woman, I was gonna beat her ass”.

Seems like a good time as any for our first commercial break.

We’re back and now the housemates and we meet Dave Coulier -The affable Joey from Full House and former host of “America’s Funniest People”. Fun facts- Full house is seen in over a 100 countries worldwide. No wonder we’re hated around the world. He discusses his friendship with the Olsen twins and talks about how he’s offended when anyone talks about private fantasies involving the twins, and gets really defensive. He must not be any happier with how the media is shredding them now. Anywho, Flava Flav introduces himself by saying “I’m Flavor Flav, what the (expletive) do you do?” Dave responds, “I’m a comedian on TV”. Flav asks “What station”? Dave replies, ” I was on the sitcom Full House”. Flav takes a moment to remember. “Oh. I think I remember that show”.

The last person to arrive is Ryan Starr- Every season needs the token reality star, and this former American Idol contestant from that shows first season fit’s the bill. Imagine Sarah Silverman with the Jewness sucked out of her, plus a deep voice. Her real names Tiffany Montgomery, and she changed it because of her star tattoos. See how educational this show is? She introduces herself to everyone, and of course Flavaor Flave is bewildered , as he admits in the confessional, “Know her from somewhere, but glad to be with her anyway”

Now we’re introduced and we merrily move along, with Ryan Starr marking out over seeing Dave Coulier, and Brigitte Nielsen asking Flavor Flav about his jewelry again. The roommates tour the house together, deciding who gets what rooms- We have the room early bird Charo claimed, the couch room, the room with three beds, and a big bed in the living room which Brigitte claims with no argument. Flavor Flav and Dave agree to sleep in the room in three beds, while Ryan and Jordan argue about who gets the couch room. Ryan doesn’t want to share a room with two guys, and Jordan wants his privacy, so he throws a little fit and wins. Ryan takes the third bed from the room formerly known as the room with three beds and moves it in Charo’s room, whose nice enough to allow her residence. Rooming arrangements are settled, and tension has already been established. We’re halfway home on this hour-long premiere

Second Commercial break.

We’re back, and Flavor Flav walks on a topless Brigitte, who appears to be breastfeeding Coochie. The editors have decided to cover Bridgett’s “Rockies” with little green stars that say the surreal life. Brigitte testifies that the nudity “is a European thing” and that American’s need to accept the beauty of their own bodies. Dave replies via confessional, “Brigitte marches to the beat of her own drummer, and that drummer has no clothes on”.

Flavor Flav and Dave bond in the room two beds, and Dave admits in the confessional to knowing nothing about Flav, since he’s a white boy from Detroit.

Brigitte and Flav argue some more, since Brigitte can‘t stop showing off her goods(if you can call them that. They‘re not even satisfactory), while Flav keeps making rude comments about it. He can’t look at a woman’s naked body without immediately thinking sex. He mentions to Brigitte that after the show wraps up, he’s going to launch his career as an actor and be the next “Flavzel Washington”.

Flav and Dave bond more, and debate the pronunciation of “briquettes”. Dave admits in the confessional: “I’m trying to learn two new languages in the house: Charo and Flavor Flav.

Flavor Flav wanders into Jordan Knight’s room, whose angered by Flav disrupting his privacy. Flav heeds the singer a warning about respect, as we head into commercial on a serious note.

Third commercial break.

Dave opens the door and finds The Surreal Times, the newspaper that lays down the rules, on the welcome mat. It’s declared in the times that no cigarettes, pipes, or drugs of any kind are allowed (except booze of course), which dismays both Brigitte and Flav. It is also revealed in the Times that their first event is to take place at the pool: a simple dinner that night at 8:00 P.M.

In the meantime Charo dances with Ryan and Jordan, teaching them the Hoochie Coochie.

We fast forward a few hours later and see Flav trying to wake up Brigitte, whose lying in her bed. Jordan suspects she drank a lot of booze right before entering the house. Brigitte informs us through confessionals that she just has weird napping patterns. Flav keeps at it, and tells her she needs to eat.. She comes out to the pool, with only a blanket and some microscopic panties covering her.

Flavor Flav asks if he can sleep with Brigitte in her bed, but she mentions how repulsed she is by his teeth. Again. Flav goes on a tirade about how he made gold teeth famous, and that platinum teeth may be trendy but are whack.

Final Commercial break.

Dinner is served, or so we think. Waiters come out with a big silver platter, open it up and it turns out to be a stereo that starts playing dance music. The waiters reveal themselves to be strippers and Charo and Brigitte start dancing with them. Ryan is disgusted by the strippers. Flavor thinks it’s because the twenty-one year old singer is too young to deal with what’s going on. Brigitte reveals in confessional that she is saddened by Ryan’s distance towards her, and says she’d like to “feel” Ryan. Crazy Europeans.

Dave says he enjoys sharing a room with Flav. They then zoom in on Flav loudly snoring, which Dave says “was like the roto-router truck was backing up on his head”.

We then see clips of the upcoming season, but why give those way. We’ll get there, soon enough.

And we’ve got our first show. Let’s slide right into episode two-
‘ve got our first show. Let’s slide right into episode two-

Episode 2- “Strange Love”.

Episode 2- “Strange Love”-Episode 2-

We have a new glitzier intro this time, with a montage of photos and quotes from the celebs. Best quote- Jordan Knight: “Doing this kind of stuff makes me feel like a prostitute”. Guess what Jordan, you are.

We start off with Flava Flav and Brigitte hanging out in the kitchen mutually admiring each other. Brigitte begins to refer to Flav as Mr. F and the two go out to enjoy themselves in a hot tub. Flav says he’s a very affectionate person and as he’s pressing against her admits” I’ve got a present for you write here”, which warrants an appropriate “Whoa!!” from Brigitte.

Meanwhile in the house, Ryan greets her friend Hayley whose visiting for the day. They go out to the pool for a swim and stumble on”¦

Flava groping Brigitte! Ryan doesn’t want to go swimming with Hayley anymore..

At least for a few minutes, until Brigitte and Flav come in and tell them, there free to swim alone. On the way to the pool, Hayley thinks about sneaking in on Jordan in a bikini, but Ryan advises against it. They go off and have their swim.

We go back, and see that it’s event time in the house- Each of the ladies gets their own table, and gets to have a get together with each guy for 10-15 minutes. Flav anticipates getting together with Brigitte some more, and even takes off his trademark Viking hat for the duration of the event. Classy. Jordan looks forward to getting together with Ryan. Ryan vows in the confessional that she will not to get involved with anyone on the show. We’ll see about that. But first, some messages.

First Commerical Break.

It’s get together time. Our first matchups are Charo with Jordan, Brigitte with Dave, and Ryan with Flava Flav. Flava hopes to be friends with Ryan, but doesn’t hit it off to well. It’s probably because he asked her if she was a virgin. Less than thirty seconds into the conversation.

Charo amazes Jordan by recounting her meeting with the Pope.

Brigitte tells Dave that she does what she does because she’s very European. Dave swipes back “I know many Europeans that don’t swig down Jack Daniels and walk around naked.

Dave gets with Ryan now. She sees Flav as a fatherly figure. So do I Ryan, so do I

Flav is with Charo. Flav is not with Charo. The wackiness of the two cancels itself out.

Brigitte wants Jordan to kiss her. “I can’t, I’ve got a girlfriend”. “So what, I’ve got a boyfriend”. They compromise on a peck. Works for me.

Dave still doesn’t completely understand Charo. He’s overwhelmed by her energy. She tries to explain to him how her mind is like a computer or something or other. I feel your pain Dave.

Jordan asks Ryan that if he didn’t have a girlfriend and they got to know each other, would she be attracted to him. She tells him no, and he has the best “smelled a fart face” I’ve ever seen( besides columnist Michelle Malkin, who always looks that way).

The moment Flav‘s been waiting for: Some time with Brigitte. “If she wants to break off a piece of Flav, I don’t mind breaking off a piece off Brig. They snuggle together, as Flav tells Brigitte, “I’ll be your true friend. They snuggle together, supposedly sleeping until we get back from commercials.

Second Commerical Break.

Charo reflects in the confessional her positive feelings towards the event. Flava tells his housemates in drunken fashion that he loves everyone in the house. “I love you Ryan!” “Ok”.

Later that night, Flava Flav is playing pool, and Jordan joins him. They wake up Ryan. “Come on Ryan, it’s 11:00″. My kids are still up”. Flav’s got a point. Get over it Ryan. Ryan claims she can’t wait to get out of the house. Not to Flav’s face of course. Jordan and Flav finish their game and go to sleep.

Brigitte sneaks into Flav’s room and wakes him up. They sleep together. Not like that, you sickos. Wait, wait, maybe. She’s undressing now. We see things from a black and white camera, and hear whispers which are interpreted with subtitles. Flav: “I love every part of you”. Brigitte: “That’s nice. We fade into black, and that’s that for this week.

The premiere started off strong, with the introductions to each cast member, and thier initial reactions towards each other making for some fun moments. Each cast member is given a few minutes to shine, and the surrealness of these celebs interacting comes across well. But that’s only initially. I did feel that the latter forty minutes of the show were a bit too “Flavcentric”. He’s in virtually every scene, and our opinions of the other cast members can only be gauged by their reactions to Flav’s shenanigans. And when Flav isn’t being obscene, Brigitte is, as if the producers decided to put all of their eggs in the two most radical baskets. Jordan Knight gets his one moment to shine as the prick of the show, and then stays on the sidelines. Charo comes off as nice, allowing Ryan to room with her, but doesn’t do much either after that. Ryan Starr is just there to fill the reality quota, so I can’t complain about her lack of involvment. Dave Coulier on the other hand, shines in every scene he’s in. He’s the decent character through which the audience will empathize with the most. He doesn’t view the show with the delusions some of the others do. He knows his time in the sun is over, but he smiles anyway, happy that he was there once, and glad to have this gig. His unlikely friendship with Flav is the highlight of the show. Flav works best when he’s trying to adjust, not when he’s feuding with Brigitte, as the producers’ would like you to think, given the immense amount of time devoted to the two.
The second episode still plays up the Flava-Brigitte interaction, but it’s entirely different now. And there’s no defining segment in the show that would let the viewer know why or when this happened. Episode one ends and they hate each other. Episode two begins and they suddenly find love in each other. This is bad editing. We could have at least used a few seconds of turning point action. I was also displeased with how Flav and Brigitte gobbled up most of the screen time again. Half the time the other four housemates are on camera, they either talk about Flav and Brigitte, or are hanging out with them. The small time they were given wasn’t all a waste. Watching scheming Jordan get shot down by Ryan was great. Jordan’s still being built up as a scumbag, and he fits the role nicely . . Dave who was sorely lacking airtime had one great scene in which he told Brigitte how stupid she is. I’m going to give the shows creators the benefit of the doubt, and hope they actually do something with Charo
This isn’t a show I’d reccomend for everyone. It’s the definition of an acquired taste. If you can’t stand the reality show format, you won’t like it. If your sick of seeing nostalgia in any form, even rehashed like in this, you won’t like it. If you do have a taste for a quirky spin on the stale “random strangers with clashing personalities” formula, give it a shot. There’s a good chance you’ll find at least one character to relate to. With multiple airings throughout the week, The Surreal Life is the type of show you can pick up and put down at any time. So far at least. We’ve still got the rest of the season to go. See you next week. And feel free to give any suggestions or comments. As Homer once said “quack, quack”. Translation: It’s my first day.