XVI
No way, you’re not getting away with this. If the NFL season already started, how can this be a preview?
Because IP Sports refuses to conform to the entity of time. And the editor got sick, and not all the writers got their stuff in on time, and go FUCK YOURSELVES, we’re new…give us a break!
I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that. IP Sports readers are the greatest people in existence and you’re all fine examples of progressive humanity. We love you all.
XVII
Is Jake Plummer going to be a hero or a zero?
All eyes are on the former Sun Devil to see if he can do something with his mediocre career. The effort is there, no doubt about it. But Plummer does not have luck on his side. That’s fun to say, Plummer. It’s fun to type too. I’m going to do it again. Plummer. hee hee Quick! Say the name as many times as you can as fast as possible without messing up: Plummer Plummer Plummer Plummer. It’s impossible!
XVIII
How many times will Dick Vermeil cry this year?
Will it be once, twice, three times, every postgame conference? He cries when he’s happy, when he’s sad, when they win, when they lose, when they fire defensive coordinators, when it rains, when it shines, and when it snows? Do you think he’s one of those guys that cries when he has sex? I once heard it on the Dr. Joyce show when this woman was concerned that her boyfriend cries during sex. Dr. Joyce stated in most cases it’s nothing to concern oneself over since many times they are experiencing the same chemical reactions everybody else, the difference that their reaction produces tears. In fact many feel it is simply a symptom of the body producing to much NaCl and that is a healthy way to get rid of it.
XIX
Will Oakland be a contender? I need an excuse to dress like the Grim Reaper!
Well on paper, they’re ok. They also got rid of their thugs, murderers, and nazis and replaced them with respectable human beings. But let’s face it, nice guys finish last in this sport. The world’s biggest s&m/comic book/Halloween festival looks like it’s going to have a long year. But that’s alright! Don’t let a disappointing season stop you from dressing up as Darth Vader , waving your Coors Lite and screaming “Real Men Wear Black!” Yeah! Raider country lives on!….until they move back to LA when Oakland doesn’t build them a new stadium.
XX
Are the San Diego Chargers as bad as everyone says?
Well, they beat the Texans. And my roulette table did say they would be the surprise team in the AFC and garner a wild card berth. But coming back to reality, this team has more then its fair share of problems. But the biggest one is the Spanos Family. Four winning seasons since they bought the team twenty years ago. Four! They are like the Ralph Wilson of the west coast, always threatening to move the team in exchange for tax write-offs as opposed to just concentrating on the franchise per se. And they also refuse to go back to the baby blue/white uniforms. Why? Everybody wants them to do it. It’s cool and different. But the Spanos Family “believes in the modern color scheme” Nice to see they have their priorities.
XXI
Will the 1999 Jets (2004 Dallas Cowboys) be making their mark this year?
It doesn’t look good, but the big Chicken of the Sea has made bigger miracles then that. Now when you talk to the Cowboy faithful, they claim that NEXT year is the year and this is a trial season like last year. If you’re good enough you stay, if not you’re gone. The veterans are simply there to hold the fort for their friend Parcells. That could be the case until about Week 3 when the Big Heart Attack’s competitive juices will start to get flowing. If the team doesn’t win at least nine games, chaos will unfold. If they win 10 games, just prepare yourself for the inevitable. Yes, I know it’s annoying but it will happen: Half your friends will become Cowboys fans….again.
XXII
Are the Football Giants under a mulligan year?
I would think so. The Giants are probably still one of the most talented teams pound for pound on paper. But they went 4-12, and half these cry baby divas aren’t even in Coughlin’s long term plans, so this is just a bleh year. If the team goes under .500, no one can really complain. The Football Giants organization always (for better or worse) gives their coaches plenty of seasons to forge his plan without threat or consequence. Then again it is New York, where the fans just cannot seem to handle a rebuilding season without having a nervous breakdown and asking for the resignation of everybody in the organization. We shall see.
XXIII
Will Joe Gibbs be able to adapt to today’s NFL?
I hate that question. What has changed in the past 10 years? Tell me! The free agency era? The man made 29 free agency moves so I think he’s got that part down. The only major difference is that teams blitz more then they used to, and some defenses have gotten a bit complex. Big Deal. Gibbs is a run between the tackles, short passing, first down long passing coach. The old 50 gut thing. There is not much to adapt to. I’m sure he has been watching football since his last coaching tenure, and if fans and sportswriters can make up theories on how to defeat the strong safety blitz, I think he can as well.
XXIV
Will there be a better movie in 2004 then Kill Bill 2? ?
Maybe, but probably not. Some movie will get all the mainstream press, another will become the cult favorite of independent art houses, and some other film will get all the awards and trophies. But ten years from now, only Kill Bill 2 will still be revered by its fans and continue to adapt new ones. Right now, alot of you guys are saying “What the f*ck? Spider-Man 2!” Ok, you’re right. Let’s throw long, a hail mary if you will. 50 years from now Kill Bill 2 will still have old and new fans much like the westerns and samurai films from 50 years ago still do. Spider Man 2? Nope. Nothing against the web-slinger, I’m not a non-believer. But the western/samurai genre has a knack for keeping its films intact and modern without aging. I encourage everyone to go and explore the many fine films in these two genres. There is alot of treasure to be found. And you’ll appreciate the movie in question even more!
XXV
What the hell are the Chicago Bears?
I have no idea. Talk about an enigma. And in truth, we may not know at the end of this season. The franchise has been in a rut in terms of its overall football philosophy and until they realize they are in the 21st century, that will not change. And they keep on rebuilding and rebuilding. How can you rebuild on previously rebuilding. There is no such thing as rebuilging anymore as I’ve stated numerous times in this Preview in several different places. If the team you root for is still partying like its 1999, I feel bad. And I feel bad for Bears fans. They’re all so jolly and fat and have those big thick mustaches and make great sausages. They deserve better then this.
XXVI
Will we finally see Matt Millen’s grand plan unfold?
If we don’t he out the door. If we do, he’ll be the greatest hero in Detroit Lions history since…..I don’t know when. They haven’t had the greatest 50 years. And let’s call a spade a spade. Matt Millen’s grand plan relies on whether Joey Harrington will come into his own or not. And as I stated in the roundtable, they could make it into the playoffs simply by getting a few lucky bounces in the fourth quarter and going 9-7. When has a president of a franchise gotten this much attention?
XXVII
Will Brett Favre have one more magical year? Pleeeeeeeaaaseee!
Awwwwww, everyone wants Mary’s boyfriend to have one more great year. It’s funny, half his talent is gone but he’s still one of the better quarterbacks in the league. But let’s face it, he aint the brightest bulb on the lamp and he’s prone to idiocy. That was always his major weakness, lack of higher thought beyond instinct. Which is why most people relate to him so well, and me too!!!
XXVIII
Are the Vikings a legitimate NFC powerhouse?
We won’t know until the end of January. It’s interesting that most people are wondering that when the team collapsed and went 9-7. But coach Tice has resurrected the fallen franchise in less then two years and the team just FEELS to be something special. With all that said, the expectations are so high that if this team does not make it to the NFC championship game, he may be gone. Is that fair? Well, the team is in it’s ‘window of opportunity ‘ phase, so who can blame them for being a little anxious. I can blame them. If this team gets into the playoffs and they don’t give this guy a five year contract extension they will live to regret it. If the team fails, then put him in the wood chipper.
XXIX
Will the BCS mess it up again?
Most likely. I don’t like giving real people 2/3 of the power though. Remember why this whole thing got started. Because real people sucked and kept messing it up, but now the computers suck and they keep messing it up. Now all of this could be avoided with THREE rules. Neither of these are original ideas and many college football fans have been pleading that they do the following.
Rule 1:
A non-conference champion cannot qualify into the championship game. NO EXCEPTIONS. If their conference plays an extra championship game for an easy 10 million, and the team loses after a perfect season, tough noogies.
Rule 2:
Add a fifth bowl into the system and then require that the BCS bowls must take one school from a non-BCS Division 1-A conference.
Rule 3:
College football has an OT system therefore teams that have met in the regular season cannot meet in the BCS.
There, end of story. Problem solved. Well, some of the problems solved anyway
XXX
In what week will Michael Vick get injured this year?
The most exciting football player ever is unfortunately injurey prone. Who knows when he’ll be injured. I guessed week 3 but we won’t know until it happens.
XXXI
Will the Carolina Panthers be as competitive this year?
Good question. Are they a true contender for the next few years or are they in the 2002 Oakland Raiders-1998 Atlanta Falcons-1994 San Diego Chargers vein where they appear in the super bowl one year then disintegrate the next. They lost some talent in free agency but the core is still there. But unlike the other three teams I mentioned, they were actually competitive in their super bowl and lost ‘honorably’. So it should be interesting. Wait a minute? That was a string of two serious analytical sentences I put together. Wow!
XXXII
Every year people tell me the Saints are good, and every year they’re not. What’s up with that?
Here’s the thing. The Saints have a great threesome in terms of Aaron Brooks, Deuce Mcallister, and Joe Horn. Everything else is suspect. Now speaking of Joe Horn, isn’t what he did the funniest thing ever? The cellphone… HA HA! Don’t give me that it was disrespectful. This is a sport where barbiturates and gang rape are locker room hobbies for the players and the owners have authentic nazi insignia in their offices. The truth is that incident probably rose the game’s respectability a bit higher.
XXXIII
Are the Bucs as we know it done?
It sure seems that way. But it would be unwise to underestimate them. Still, Gruden seems to be looking toward next season. But their time is passing quickly and they have to act on it. Can I contradict myself even more? Hey, I don’t answer the questions, I just write stupid things under them.
XXXIV
Will GTA: San Andreas be as good as the previous two?
One would think so, though I loved Vice City and all its shenanigans and awesome music (Plus Ray Liotta and Stubbs!) GTA 3 was a better game in terms of the overall storyline and scope, plus it had the best video game ending EVER! The truth is in Vice City there was a lot of dead space; just blocks and blocks of empty buildings. Plus the story sucked. The producers say that their story is dramatic (You’re avenging you’re mommy’s death!) and every corner of SA will be active with something to do, like a real city. We shall see!
XXXV
Ummm…I have no questions regarding the Arizona Cardinals.
I have nothing to say. Except for this piece of great NFL trivia. Did you know the original name of this franchise had little to do with a bird! They started as the Chicago Cardinals back in the early 20s and it was based on the Roman rank of Cardinal to exploit the high population of Catholics in the area. When they moved to St. Louis, they changed it to the bird to correlate with the popular baseball team. So, there you go!
XXXVI
Are the Rams done?
Well, they did beat the Cardinals! Most people are saying that this year will exploit Murtz as a terrible coach but that’s because most people hate the guy. So you gotta take that with a grain of salt. They also say Marc Bulger will be exposed as an average QB and nothing more. But people hate him too so you can’t take that seriously either. The greatest show on turf would not win any elections, let’s put it that way. They also have an extremely difficult schedule, so it’s not looking bright. Except when they play in the dome, because then everything looks bright and shiny in a dome.
XXXVII
Are the 49ers as bad as people say?
Well, in the roundtable, my roulette wheel picked them to make a wild card berth and I had the daunting task of making stuff up to defend it. I said “They completely stripped their team, GM Terry Donahue already admitted this is a transition year, and Dennis Erickson is mad as hell saying he would have never taken the job if he knew this was going to happen. This will be this year’s MAJOR surprise. Their defense led by Julian Peterson will keep them in every game, and Fred Baxley and whichever quarterback they choose will do what’s necessary to get the points, and a few lucky breaks. ” Man, am I such full of shit or what?
XXXVIII
Are the Seattle Seahawks as good as people say?
Bandwagon teams are shady. The basic premise is that law of averages state that this talented team has to do something this year. Remember last year? When they barely made the playoffs and couldn’t defeat an inferior (supposedly) Green Bay? Remmeber 1999? Going 1-5 after an 8-2 start. This franchise is prone to laying eggs and making a mess of things. Hey, Just like REAL seahawks!!!!
XXXIX
Will David Goldberg be the editor of IP Sports by Super Bowl XXXIX?
It doesn’t look good. Between getting fired, quitting, or just randomly dying, the odds are against it.
