Confessions Of A Remote Hog: Tossing Socks

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When it comes to socks, I’m just about the worst person out there. A while back I was dating this girl and she noticed that I had this drawer full of hopelessly mismatched socks. So she gently took me aside and gave me numerous well thought out tricks that I could use to make sure I don’t lose my sock’s partners, which, of course, I instantly forgot. A few weeks later she once again checked my sock drawer again and was dismayed when she discovered the same level of disarray. She sat down patiently once again and told me about the importance in keeping my sock drawer organized. She even managed to turn it into an analogy of my disordered life. I promptly broke up with her.

One thing did stick with me, though. She told me to avoid the problem all together I should always buy the same kind of socks. Pretty simple, I thought. The problem is that I simply refuse to throw away any clothing until I can successfully pass an entire limb through a hole that is not supposed to be there. I think it’s a good rule and I plan on keeping it. So one day I had an epiphany. Socks can have a multitude of alternative purposes. They work well as pet toys, substitute gloves, puppets and have many other comically uses to keep your various house guest laughing.

Well, one day I was folding clothes during coverage of the Clinton impeachment hearings and I found a great new use for them. Previously if someone said something stupid on TV, I would get pissed and throw the closest thing to me at the screen. This really wasn’t a big deal in my college days because I was using a piece of crap black and white with a clothes hanger antennae that I inherited from my older sister. That TV was nearly indestructible. Yet, after college when my electronic equipment became more impressive, tossing my latest copy of The Bell Atlantic yellow pages wasn’t the smartest idea.

So as I was sitting there folding clothes, watching someone talk on and on about either the importance or ridiculousness of the whole Lewinski affair. I once again became instantly angered and grasped an old hole ridden sock with three red stripes that was conveniently rolled into ball. I quickly aimed, and hit some codgy old senator right in his pixelized ass. The sock bounced off the screen harmlessly and my instant flair of anger was temporarily sated. Hence the dawn of a new era in my life. So now, when I’m watching TV, I always have a few of those rolled up socks from the 70’s on my end table sitting there just waiting for Sean Hannity or Alan Colmes to say something idiotic. (My sock tossing is fair and balanced.)

One day that definitely gets a lot of sock tossing going is the day they announce the prime time Emmy nominations. Now, I’m no television expert, I’m just a guy with an opinion that doesn’t mind writing about it for others to ridicule, but every year while watching TV I’ll see one or more performances that just blows me away. I watch this man or women just give a mesmerizing performance that makes me instantly think, “If that isn’t Emmy worthy, than I don’t know what is.” Well, it looks like I don’t know what is.

Now, maybe I’m missing something. Maybe I am being fooled into believing a mediocre performance is good. Maybe I am being tricked by special effects and melodramatic scores. As I said, I am no expert. I can’t tell you all the technical reasons why Jodie Foster is a better actress than Shannon Tweed, I just know she is. So, if you are a professional television critic and by some fluke of google have stumbled onto this column, be prepared for some headshaking at the rest of this piece. Just be ready for me to toss a couple socks at you.

So here are my picks for the best performances that were overlooked by the all knowing Academy of whatever…

Paul Schultze: 24

I’ve watched a lot of television over the past season and one hour on one series truly outdid anything else offered on network TV this year. That hour was Day 3: 7:00AM â€Â” 8:00AM on 24. For those of you out there who wait until the release of the DVD to watch this series I strongly urge you to skip this section because it contains some major plot spoilers. While ’24’ is my favorite dramatic series on TV right now, I was a little iffy about this season. Yeah, it was good, but it was yet to have it’s mind blowing, twister of an episode. While there were some nice surprised here or there, I was still waiting for one big moment. This episode had it.

For those familiar with the show, Ryan Chappelle was never a likable character. He was that one character that every good action show or movie needs, the bad good guy. That annoying stickler for rules and order who is always getting in our way. Paul Shultze played this character with an uninspired efficiency. He put in his scenes then got out of the way of the more compelling characters. Then all of a sudden the story shifts, and he is now the focal point. It seems that Chappelle is a genius at following a money trail and that just doesn’t sit well for our terrorist bad guy. So he comes up with a simple solution, he’ll hold off releasing a highly contagious super virus into the general public, as long as the president orders and has executed the death of Ryan Chappelle. From the point where Jack Bauer informs Chappelle of his impending doom, Shultze takes his character to a new smarmy high. Here we don’t see the commitment of a hero, willing to take a bullet for the good of his country. Instead we see a scared and betrayed human who doesn’t want to sacrifice himself yet sees no alternative. We see a character, who for the most part was weaselly, snide and unlikable have to move himself in an all new direction and while he, on the surface, doesn’t become that prototypical hero, he does take on the soul of heroism.

It all leads to the climatic moment were Chappelle begs for the chance to end his own life, but is unable to go through with it. So Jack must stand over this man, who has, at times, been both his colleague and nemesis, and with tears in his eyes, pull the trigger ending his life. It was the one moment in the last television season that truly left me with chills.

Portia de Rossi : Arrested Development
Bitty Schram: Monk

Now if there is one subject I may be hopelessly unqualified to right about, it’s the best supporting actress category. Three women from the show I haven’t watched since its first season dominate the category. Yet, luckily this show is ending and maybe next year we can see some diversity in this category. The sad thing is that Bitty Schram is leaving Monk and won’t gain the opportunity. Yet, her performance is definitely worthy. Every show that focuses on a bizarre, off beat character, must have a “straight man” to play off of. Bitty Schram brought a whole new edge to that role. This season, while trying to control the excessive compulsive detective, she must deal with issues on her own. While the show this season began taking on a more “Diagnosis Murder” feel then the previous season, Schram was the glue that held the show together.

On the other end of the spectrum was Portia de Rossi. Where Schram settled a character that could lose control, de Rossi just added to the mayhem in a cast full of increasingly bizarre people. One of the funniest moment of the season was when her character Lindsay decided to finally pay a visit to her father in jail. Yet, he stunning good looks are totally ignored by the inmates. Discouraged by this, Lindsay keeps on returning to visit her father, wearing slutier and slutier clothes.

Jason Bateman: Arrested Development

To follow the transformation of Michael Bluth from the normal, black sheep of the Bluth family to just another crazy member was truly hilarious. Bateman plays the straightman with such an ease that we cringe when he cringes, and we give up any hope that he will stabilize this eclectic group long before he does. Yet, it all leads up to a hilarious climax when he searches for the elusive “Hermano,” the man that his brother’s girlfriend (and his secret love) is involved with. When he finale figures out who “Hermano” really is, he also realizes just how much he has in common with his utterly clueless and self destructive family.

Justin Berfield: Malcolm in the Middle

In my book, Reese Wilkerson is one of the funniest characters on TV. I think that the Emmy’s went with some traditional picks, like David Hyde Pierce, while ignoring a few more riskier choices. While I won’t argue that Berfield is the next Sean Penn, he is really a character that I enjoy.

Alias

I have made my picks for the Emmy roundtable appearing later this week, but let me give you a bit of a spoiler. I think that the Academy will give no respect whatsoever to Alias. Yet, in my book. Next to ’24’ it is the best show on TV. Yet, for some reason, this seems like just the kind of show that the Academy just ignores. This season, Alias offered some intriguing twist and turns along with plenty of opportunities to ogle Jennifer. The action is intense and the mythology interesting. One worries that they may fall into the same trap as The X-Files, creating a mythology so complex that they will never be able to wrap it up nicely. Yet, the show has stayed fresh, mixing current day issues with elements of the supernatural.

So now I’ve vented. Writing this column is a lot like tossing socks. My anger at these snubs are now sated. At least until the Emmy’s are awarded and Sex in the City dominates. I guess that’s why this is a weekly column.