The SmarK Rant for WWE Unforgiven 2004
– Live from Portland, OR
– Your hosts are JR & King.
– Opening match: Ric Flair & Batista v. Chris Benoit & William Regal. Benoit starts with Batista, and a shoving match is countered by Benoit into a quick crossface, forcing Dave to make the ropes. He has a quick conference with Flair about that, and I’m sure the advice is “Don’t get put in the crossface”. Flair’s very wise that way. Benoit takes Batista down with a leglace next, and brings in Regal. Why does JR think anyone cares that Regal is left-handed, by the way? It’s not like baseball where it makes a difference and you call in a leftie or something. Regal gets an Exploder and a forearm for two, in the meanwhile, and switches off with Benoit for some abuse in the corner. Flair, however, comes in and starts dishing chops, so Benoit is game for that. Benoit moves him across the ring with chops and then backdrops him, and Flair gets pinballed in the face corner and then battered to a pulp by Regal. This is of course sets up the Flair Flop. Regal drops a knee, but Flair goes for the old standard and pokes him in the eye, then clips him. Regal comes back with a wristlock sequence and works on the arm a bit, and Benoit comes back in with more chops, STOPS TO STEADY FLAIR, and then throws another one to knock him down. Very cool. Benoit grabs a headlock and fires off an enzuigiri, and it’s another Flop. Finally he tags in Batista, who starts pounding Regal, but he gets caught in the Commonwealth corner again. Benoit takes him down out of a slam attempt and goes for the Sharpshooter, but Batista powers out and uses the direct approach, elbowing him down for two. Back to Regal, who quickly gets overwhelmed by shenanigans and chopped down by Flair. Chops in the corner set up a backdrop suplex for two. JR notes that they call him the “dirtiest player in the game” and it’s not a marketing cliche. Actually, when they were gonna name the book after that, I’d say it is. Batista comes in with a neckbreaker for two. They work on the neck, as Flair drops an elbow from the apron, and then clips Regal again. Figure-four gets a near-fall, but Benoit finally breaks it up. Flair tries again, and gets cradled for two. Batista comes in and drops an elbow, then suplexes Regal for two. Benoit breaks that up, too. JR blames Batista. Tell that to his face, dude. Batista goes to a headlock, but Regal careens out of the corner and they collide. Hot tag Benoit, and he starts throwing chops. Snap suplex for Flair sets up the rolling germans, and it’s diving headbutt time. Flair blocks the Sharpshooter with a poke to the eyes, but he can’t block the crossface, and he’s gonna tap when Batista muscles Benoit off and then takes Regal out of the ring for some brawling. Regal, however, out-smarts him, leaving Flair alone with Benoit, and it’s crossface time again. This time he taps at 15:06. This was pretty fun, but seemed like an off-night for everyone. **
– Meanwhile, Christian and Trish squabble over custody of Tyson Tomko and seemingly break up. Trish wins Tomko by whispering something in his ear. Christian should have made a counter-offer if he really wanted to rule. But then, Tomko WAS with Christian on Monday night”¦
– Women’s title: Trish Stratus v. Victoria. Victoria takes her down with armdrag to start and cradles for two, so Trish bails. Back in, Victoria slugs away, but runs into a knee and gets choked down. Trish’s little snarky flourish to the crowd is a great touch. Victoria presses her out of the corner, into a gutbuster, however. Trish bails and hides behind Tomko, so Victoria follows and they brawl. Back in, Trish gets a cheapshot and sends her into the post to take over. Armbar as the match completely dies, and the crowd with it. A hairpull takedown gets two, and Trish hits the chinlock. Spinebuster gets two, and it’s back to the chinlock. Victoria fights out with the spinning sideslam, for two. Jigglesault gets two. Trish uses the Matrix dodge, but gets headbutted down instead, and then Victoria hits TOMKO with a plancha for some silly reason. And indeed she falls victim to the bulldog and gets pinned by Trish at 8:20. This just kept GOING. *1/4 The “mystery woman” saves Victoria from another beating and makes a hasty exit. Tomko, however, is so upset that he actually TALKS. And calls out his cross-dressing nemesis, giving us”¦
– Tyson Tomko v. Stevie Richards. Tomko slaps him down and rips the dress off, and apparently Richards has grown his hair long again in the interim. Tomko pounds him down and chokes away. And chokes some more. Very slowly. Oh, wait, more choking. And just for a change, more choking. On the upside, he’s still one up on Kevin Nash as far as moveset goes. And yes, it’s more choking. And a SLAM. Wow! This is so totally not a waste of PPV time. He goes a neck vice as the crowd isn’t even in the mood for this crap and completely turns on the “match”. Stevie makes the comeback, although his panties undermine somewhat the badass nature he’s trying to convey. Tomko pounds him down and calls him a big sissy (Oooooo”¦), so Richards uses a testicular claw on him and tries another comeback. A pair of dropkicks in the corner follow, but Tomko finishes him with the inverted F5 at 6:24. Thank god. -** And there goes another angle they wasted three months on for absolutely no reason.
– Intercontinental title, ladder match: Chris Jericho v. Christian. I love how they have a video package for this as though it had more than one show of buildup. Jericho slugs away and forearms him down to start, and gets a suplex. Backdrop suplex and he starts throwing chops in the corner, but Christian slugs him down and chokes away. Jericho comes back and gets the ladder first, however, but tries tossing it at Christian and misses. Back in, Christian does some more choking, but then so does Jericho. This stuff is so obviously filler leading up to the ladder spots that I wonder why they even bother. Enzuigiri and Jericho finally brings the ladder into play, spearing Christian in the gut with it. They fight into the crowd and Jericho backdrops Christian back to ringside, and he chokes him down with a cable. Christian comes back with an Unprettier on the floor, however. That allows him to make the first climb, but Jericho stops him. Christian sends him into the corner and puts the ladder in another corner, but finds himself whipped into the ladder as a result. Oh, fickle irony. Jericho sends him down with the ladder, but gets ran into it by Christian. That looked really contrived. Christian chokes him down and then catapults him under the ladder in the corner. He climbs again, but Jericho lamely brings him down, and then tosses the ladder at Christian out of the corner. Jericho goes up and rides the ladder onto Christian’s back, which looks really nice. Christian, however, comes back with an atomic drop of sorts onto the ladder, which leaves Jericho hanging in the Tree of Woe. Ladder Woe. Christian rams into him and then sets up the ladder to climb again, but gets taunted down by Jericho. How dumb do you have to be to stop climbing just because someone’s flipping you off? Jericho dropkicks the ladder into his face and bulldogs him onto it. Jericho puts him on the ladder and does the sandwich spot, but misses the Lionsault, as usual, and hits the ladder. Christian rams the ladder into his face again, leaving him clear to climb, but he does the stupid slow climb to stall for time while Jericho gets back in. They fight on top of the ladder, and it falls, heaving Christian hanging there, until Jericho brings him down with a ladder to the ribs. Nice spot. Jericho puts the ladder over him and climbs, obviously taking his time while waiting for Christian, and indeed Christian escapes from under the ladder and pushes him over. This is some really sloppy match construction. Christian climbs now and they fight up there, allowing Jericho to work in his Ladder-Tamer spot from Royal Rumble 2001 again. Christian pushes the ladder over again, however, and Jericho lands on his TAILBONE, right on the edge of the ladder. YEEEEEE-OWCH! Dude ain’t gonna be sitting right for a month. Christian gets a bigger ladder and climbs again, but Jericho climbs the “regulation” one to chase, and they slug it out. Both go down. They’re really dragging this thing out now. Jericho climbs one last time and grabs the belt for the anticlimactic finish, at 22:28. I appreciate the effort and the bumps, but we’ve seen all this stuff a million times before, and the contrived setups and slow climbing really took me out of the match here. **3/4
– Kane v. Shawn Michaels. Kane pounds on him, but eats a knee and Shawn takes him down with the Thesz Press. Shawn chases him out of the ring and they brawl, but Kane loses that battle. Back in, Shawn comes off the top, but lands on Kane’s fist. Kane chokes him down in the corner and then hits him with a corner clothesline for two. The elbowdrop of course misses, however, and Shawn takes him out of the ring with a Cactus clothesline. Kane goes after Lita in response, so Shawn hits him with a pescado. Kane hides behind Lita and JR notes that he’s safe, because Shawn wouldn’t hit a woman. Geez, good thing Kane’s not going against Steve Austin, then. Kane presses Shawn onto the table, and when it doesn’t break he opts for a suplex instead. Back in, he gets two. Legdrop gets two. Kane whips him into the corner and pounds on the throat from the apron, then drags him out for more of a beating. Back in, Kane misses a blind charge, but gets the sideslam for two. He goes to a neck vice, and then a tree slam when Shawn fights out. That gets two. Back to the neck vice. Shawn fights back, but gets slugged down again. That gets two. Kane sends him into the corner and tries a backdrop suplex, but Shawn flips out of it and gets a DDT. They slug it out and Shawn gets the forearm, but Kane sits up at the same time as Shawn kips up. Cute. Shawn fights back, but gets sent into the corner for a Flair Flip to the floor. They continue brawling outside and Shawn eats the stairs, allowing Kane to grab a chair while Shawn blades. Shawn fights Kane off in the ring, however, and keeps slugging until he eats an elbow that puts him on the floor. Kane tries to boot him into the post, but misses, and Shawn continues his comeback again. Back in, Shawn gets the atomic drop and slugs him down. He goes up with the flying elbow and FINALLY the crowd gets into the show, as he sets up for the superkick. The crowd COUNTS with Shawn’s stomping, however. Haven’t they ever seen a Shawn match before? Kane counters with a big boot, however. Not very subtle, but effective. That gets two. Flying clothesline sets up for the chokeslam, but Shawn goes low. He chairshots Kane, but Kane recovers first. Lita steals the chair, however, not being a very supportive and/or loving wife. Kane tries a chokeslam, but Shawn escapes and gets a sloppy superkick for the pin at 18:09. The whole thing was completely botched, build-wise, so I guess they decided to just put Shawn over and forget about it the next night. Luckily, Gene “Babykiller” Sniski would take care of the pregnancy aspect, too. This was all Kane beating the crap out of Shawn, but I always enjoy that. ***
– RAW World tag titles: La Resistance v. Tajiri & Rhyno. Three months of buildup and this gets the death slot before the main event. Grenier grabs a headlock on Tajiri to start, and overpowers him for two. Tajiri comes back with a goofy rolling cradle into a facelock, and they criss-cross until Tajiri starts throwing chops and armdrags him. Conway comes in and gets more of the same. Rhyno and Conway slug it out, prompting Conway to bail. Back in, Rhyno misses a blind charge and Conway takes him down with an armbar, so La Rez starts down that road. Grenier works it with a wristlock and drops some knees on it, but Rhyno hits Conway with a belly-to-belly and brings in Tajiri. Back kick gets two. Sunset flip into a rolling cradle gets two. Handspring kick knocks Grenier off the apron, but Conway blocks a tornado DDT and Tajiri is YOUR face-in-peril. Grenier gets a backbreaker for two. Conway pounds the back and chokes him down, as they do the standard cheating. Conway slams him for two. Tajiri finally comes back with a headscissors and a kick out of the corner, and it’s hot tag Rhyno. He dumps Conway and pounds Grenier, and a belly-to-belly gets two. Spinebuster gets two. La Rez comes back with a double-team spinebuster, and it gets two. It’s BONZO GONZO (if anyone cares by this point) and Tajiri goes low on Grenier with the flag, setting up GOAR GOAR GOAR for two. Grenier recovers and uses the flag on Rhyno for the pin at 9:40, however. Well, isn’t that special. 3/4*
– RAW World title: Randy Orton v. HHH. Lockup battle to start proves to be a stalemate. Orton slaps him but doesn’t follow up with another loogie, thus losing points. They do a headlock reversal sequence and get into another slapfest. Oh, the claws are out now. Orton finally spits on him and they slug it out in the corner, as Orton backdrops him and drops a knee for two. And yes, it’s time for the CHINLOCK OF DOOM. HHH quickly powers out into the corner and they slug it out, and HHH gets sent to the floor as a result. Orton follows him out and brings him back in. JR notes that HHH holds a lot of territory in No Man’s Land. I personally have an acreage in Parts Unknown, but land values went to hell since Warrior moved to Arizona. HHH takes him down and tries to post him, but Orton sends him into the post. Back in, they slug it out, and HHH uses the INDIAN DEATHLOCK OF”¦um”¦.death. I guess that’s kinda redundant, actually. HHH returns the posting favor to Orton as he works on the leg, and clips him. They slug it out in the corner and HHH does a nicely sadistic kneedrop onto Orton’s knee, before going back to work on the leg on the mat. Orton fights up again, but eats a knee. HHH gets two off that and goes back to the knee again, dropping elbows on the knee and then going into a figure-four. And since the ref’s back is turned, he uses the ropes. See, the classics always work. The ref catches him, however, so HHH clips Orton again and tries it again. Orton reverses him into the corner this time, and now HHH is bleeding. Orton slugs on that, but HHH kicks him in the knee again, so Orton powerslams him for two. Thumb to the eye and the high dropkick gets two. I sincerely doubt anyone with a bad knee would be able to get that kind of hangtime on a dropkick. DDT gets two. HHH comes back with the MAIN EVENT SLEEPER, but Orton reverses. I hate that spot. HHH thankfully escapes with the backdrop suplex. Gee, never seen that before. He goes up and lands on the foot of Orton, as we go through every cliche in the book short of someone smashing a trophy. Orton goes up with the high cross, for two. A clothesline puts HHH on the floor and they brawl out there. Back in, Orton gets his neckbreaker for two. Orton suddenly remembers to start selling the knee again. RKO attempt, but the ref is bumped. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE is reversed to the RKO, but wouldn’t you know, there’s no ref. And now the run-ins start, as Flair and Batista come down and get handled by Orton. HHH goes low, and now Coach comes out in a ref shirt and counts two. Orton slugs him down. Why wouldn’t he just call for the DQ, then? Batista, meanwhile, sneaks back in with a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER on Orton, and that gets two. JR’s a lot more worked up about this match than the crowd is. Orton reveres out of the Pedigree and RKOs Coach, then fights off Flair again and RKOs him, and then gets rid of Batista with a low blow. HHH, however, hits him with the chair and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE on the chair gets the pin and the title at 24:35. Unbelievably overbooked with a dull match body and a bad finish. And everyone shocked that HHH would make himself champion again, hands up. Didn’t think so. ***1/4
The Bottom Line:
The WWE is on such a pathetic run of mediocre->bad PPVs since April that it’s not even funny anymore. Well, okay, kinda funny, but more sad than funny. This one was no exception, featuring the usual endless run of screwjob finishes, interference, overbooking and overall mediocrity that’s been killing the product for months now.
On the bright side, Orton lost the title.
Thumbs down.
