InsidePulse’s WWE Byte This Report: 09.17.04

Oh man, what a long, boring trip it’s been. Today WWE’s website told me that it no longer recognized my browser, which is frickin’ Internet Explorer for God’s sake! So I dusted off Netscape, which wouldn’t let me listen to the show live despite the fact that right now I’m listening to the archived version of the show with no problem, albeit on Netscape. How fan unfriendly can one internet show be?

Generic Theme numero 138 brings us to… Byte This! Whoah, abrupt end to the credits today. It’s Mark Lloyd and Josh again. “Big” lineup today includes Coach, Carmella, Christy, and the showstoppah… HBK! Thank god, ’cause the rest of those guys will probably suck.

Mark pimps the fantasy game, but he sounds like one of my Magic playing friends excitedly spitting out rules that I just don’t care about. These guys are in full shilling mode for this one, just blabbing on and on about this. Josh claims that “I could talk about fantasy all day.” Trust me, the rest of this show will prove that claim beyond a shadow of a doubt, although that comment would be more ironic if Mark made it. By the way, Mark Lloyd needs a lot of work, because even for this show’s low standards he’s just horrendous. Sorry if I sound bitter, but I just came from the laundromat and ESPN was on, so going from professional sportscasters to these two clowns is really hard right now.

Magazine shill, Smackdown shill, Big Show shill, they even shill for Big Show’s hand and then… Droz! No wait, another phone screw up!

Mark quickly turns things to Unforgiven, Benoit and Regal in a record ten seconds before turning back to… Droz!

Droz didn’t even get the PPV, but it was WWE’s fault for not sending him the tape on time. You assholes better get him that tape, he’s in a wheel chair for Christ’s sake! He claims that he read the spoilers on WWE.com (sure you did, buddy) and blabs on about other sports while I go get a piece of pizza. Droz won’t pick a winner for the Diva search, and puts over the “beating” they gave to Coach. Thank god they fixed his audio this week, it’s been a while since I’ve actually understood a whole Droz segment. Lloyd spits out the longest sentence ever, yet only manages to make one point: Carmella’s still in the Diva search. Droz suddenly picks Christy, but since he’s always wrong then I’ll pick Carmella. They talk a little about McMahon’s “bombshell,” but don’t say much. Josh hints that Droz may have read the Smackdown spoilers (which is so not like this show) and sure enough, Droz votes for Cena on Smackdown tonight. They’re almost pretending as if the show has been taped, which they usually don’t do, but they’re also pretending that the show’s results are a well kept secret. Way to give your net fans some credit, morons. Mark goes back to the fantasy game, surprise, surprise. “How much fun is that gonna be for the fans?” Ugh. Droz sells it WAY better than these two clowns by saying how fans are gonna find out how hard it really is to book a promotion, which shuts up Mark and prompts Josh to dump him.

Josh throws in a dig on Mark before the break.

$1000000 Tough Enough promo, nothing new.

Clip of Coach getting beat up on Raw. Man fall down. Funny.

Carmella comes on first and actually sounds pretty nice, albeit in that “There’s a warrant for my arrest in Ohio” kind of way. Carmella doesn’t know why she’s the heel of the show, but thinks that the audience is smart to her personal life. They ask Carmella if she enjoyed beating up Coach, and… BIG SHOCKER… she did. Great question guys. Carmella isn’t single, which sucks for the fans since we get all these opportunities to ask her out, and then Mark Lloyd cracks up obnoxiously. Josh predicts that 50 million fans are watching Byte This right now! AH HA HA! I only know of one guy who even watched last week. Carmella says great stuff about the company, looks at the $250,000 prize as a tax burden, and then says she’ll probably buy a house with the money. Despite how bland the questions were, that was like talking to a dear old friend at the bank. I like Carmella so much more after that interview.

Mark pimps Carmella’s love of the company, which leads us to a Smackdown promo.

Christy is next. She talks like a little girl, which isn’t nearly as sexy over the phone. She describes the audition process, which isn’t very exciting. Same old crap every contestant on any WWE show says: everyone at WWE is great, it’s been a great experience, it was fun to beat up Coach, blah blah blah. Mark Lloyd even laughs obnoxiously at her comments. Josh likes her pig tails, and her tits, which they joke about without actually saying. You can’t say tits on Byte This? Christy really wants to work for WWE whether she wins or not, so Mark explains to her like a condescending parent that the fans have embraced her. Christy is… BIG SHOCKER… glad. Christy is a part of a “dance team,” AHEMstripperAHEM, which travels the country. Oh God, Mark pimps the damn game again, and asks her who she would put on her fantasy roster. She thinks HHH has tons of charisma and loves Trish Stratus. Bye bye, Christy!

Josh brings up that Coach is next, which Lloyd actually uses to ask if Coach is in… guess it… the Fantasy Game! Can’t seem to get the phone to work, so back to Smackdown talk. More hinting at the show being taped on Tuesday, which is SO WEIRD coming out of these two. Big conversation about Josh’s fake neck injury at the hands of Heidenreich, which is the most blatant time filler of all. Still waiting for Coach on the phone.

Talk moves to next week’s Raw, with all sorts of nothing talk about the McMahon announcement, the Diva Search winner, and Mark saying the word “huge” a million times in a row. Josh says No Mercy will be “Off the chart.” AH HA HA HA! He corrects himself and says “Off the chain,” but the catchphrase damage is done, PRETTY BOY! Mark keeps blabbing about the fantasy game whenever there’s down time, and now the producer is talking over them, which obscures their weird, somewhat nervous conversation about playing the game, the magazine, Heidenreich, and other such nonsense. What a massive f*ck up segment.

“Hopefully we’ll have more good news involving Lita.” – Mark. Oh, you mean more good news about a pregnant woman losing her baby? Is that what you mean? Josh quickly turns things to Coach before this desperate spectacle turns utterly unwatchable. Coach is apparently over the boxing match he became a part of, but he was seeing stars until Tuesday. Coach is tired of the Diva search, and thinks that Christy has a bigger upside than Carmella. Thinks Christy will win, but Lloyd plays devil’s advocate and says that Carmella will win. Coach thinks that most guys hate Carmella because they think she’s too hot. James, who sounds like a real fan (i.e. he stumbles and talks awkwardly) asks about Coach’s role at Unforgiven. Coach will NOT forget the RKO Randy Orton gave him. A clip of Unforgiven plays while Josh asks why the Rock hates Coach. Coach thinks that Rock is jealous, and that Raw is the Coach’s show now. He even thinks that the producers add crowd noise when the Rock shows up. Lloyd says that the fans think the Coach is an annoying egomaniac, so Coach says that he doesn’t care if the fans like him because he’s in the WWE, they’re not, and the Coach don’t change fo’ nobody. You go girl! He has a lot in store for the next few months, but doesn’t explain. Matt from Tennessee asks if he is talking to Coach or Jonathan Coachman, then asks if Coach was stuck on a deserted island, which Diva Search finalist would he want there with him. Total office employee question, no doubt. He would have picked Camille, who loved “good looking Italian black men.” Mark laughs WAY too hard at that joke, Josh doesn’t even react. Apparently fans at airports talk to Coach about the Diva Search all the time. He thinks that 1% of all girls are hot, all ten Diva Search chicks were in that percentile, and WWE fans are not at all in their league. You’ll never believe it, but there’s more fantasy game talk. Hey look, I understand that they are paid to pimp the product, but they have got to recognize how horrendously boring this sort of time filling can be. Coach goes into detail about his long history of trying to get recognized by the website, and how he wasn’t on the Raw page for years. Larry from Cleveland asks… nothing, because he’s not there. Nice f*ck up guys. They blame the fans for their technical errors today, but any longtime listener really knows what’s up. Sports talk leads to Coach appreciating all the support and prayers that the Coach gets from the fans. Lloyd thinks that WWE.com is trying to keep the Coach down by having HBK go on next.

Josh doesn’t know what to say about Coach, Mark calls him annoying and egotistical, and they take a break.

Promo for the Taker/JBL Last Ride match at No Mercy.

Highlight Reel footage, minor phone screw up and then it’s HBK! Josh apologizes for the technical difficulties and then asks about the match with Kane. Shawn worries about being slower before coming back from time off, and thinks that he could use more cardio work. Josh asks about Christian, and Shawn admits he doesn’t think about him too much. Apparently he’s got Shawn’s attention though. HBK doesn’t have anyone he hasn’t wrestled who he strongly desires to, so he doesn’t care who he’s up against. He thought the Kane match was fun and different, and doesn’t mind fighting someone who isn’t a big star. He was apparently a guest speaker at something or another, but his phone is cutting out big time and Lloyd and Josh try to fill the space. Nooo! Shawn is gone! This was the only interview I was looking forward to!

Josh and Mark are now nervously discussing Michaels’ old training camp and how Spanky and Paul London trained there. They explain that Shawn was driving which is why his phone cut out, so they show footage of Wrestlemania X and talk about it. Mark goes back to the f*cking fantasy game, and talks about how he’d pick Shawn if given the chance. Josh talks to the producer while Mark incompetently fills space until he suddenly yells at Josh for not considering his feelings. Very awkward segment, so thank Christ above that Michaels is back on the phone! His daughter is crying her ass off, which is very funny. Shawn will be the guest speaker at a luncheon for men, which is done through his church and was set up by his wife. Michaels talks about how bad things are in other countries and how he wants to do a mission trip next year to help build an orphanage. The luncheon is for raising the orphanage money, and Shawn does events like these to help inspire contributors and possibly preach his Christian faith to these men. He gives a little mini-rant about how much there is in life besides bringing home a paycheck, but then realizes how serious he sounds and explains that he just wanted to emphasize how passionate he is about spreading his faith. He admits that he isn’t as passionate about wrestling now, and wants his ministry to be the best thing in his life. He doesn’t feel like there’s anything else to achieve in the business besides having a more personal relationship with the audience in order to spread his faith. This is starting to sound vaguely creepy at this point. Josh breaks in to say that many WWE fans are passionate about their faith too, but time is dwindling so HBK wraps things up with more God talk. Lloyd and Josh drop him and do a quick pimp for the TV shows and of course… the Fantasy Game. AAAAHHHH!!! I refuse to play your hideous game now, you soulless corporate whores! Not a great Michaels interview, either.

Clip of the Raw beatdown on Randy Orton ends the show.

See ya next week, but apparently not the week after that because they are doing some reconstruction of the set.

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