Okay, I blew off Wednesday. I’ll plead exhaustion and depression over Johnny Ramone and move on. Let’s see what this week’s shows had on tap for us…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
John Cena over Booker T, Fourth Match In Best-Of-Five Series For The US Title (Pinfall, F-U): Is it Match Five? No. Do I give a shit? No.
The Ten-Buck Tramp does the ring intros
Booker’s pyro assisted in a losing cause
How Not To Be Seen, Lesson Five
Rey-Rey and Rob Van Dam over Buh Buh Ray and D-Von Dudley (Pinfall, Van Dam pins D-Von, Five-Star Frog Splash): At least there’s a reason to care about the fifth match between Booker and Cena. There’s NO DAMN REASON to care about this match, other than to worry about Rey-Rey’s future being stuck in a feud with a Dudley, which has become the kiss of death these days.
Rey-Rey tries some offense against Buh Buh Ray. Hah.
Rene Dupree and Kenzo Suzuki over Nunzio and Johnny Stamboli, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Dupree pins Stamboli, Michinoku Driver): Everyone was so enthused by this match that Cole allowed himself to get dragged off and Tazz left the booth after him. Thrilled the shit out of me too.
Like Cole hasn’t had his ass up in the air before
Charlie Haas over Spike Dudley, Non-Title Match (DQ, D-Von-ference): There’s only one good thing to say about this mess, namely: RICO’S BACK! Yay! And I’m serious!
The legacy of the late Russ Haas: his brother’s armbands and one paragraph in Keith’s new book (yes, I’ve read it, and no, I won’t tell you how or where)
The Breakup Song: Well, that’s it for London and Kidman. Are we approaching a moment when the tag belts will be held exclusively by singles wrestlers who have nothing better to do (viz. not only Dupree/Suzuki but also Rey-Rey/Van Dam and others)? Or will they be given back to the Dudleys and left to rot like they normally are? Fuck the whole tag title scene. I had this discussion with Fingers about a week ago in which he stated that the tag titles on both Raw and Smackdown were coming back. Sorry, Matt, but that answer is now an emphatic “No”.
He f*cks the Ten-Buck Tramp and you don’t. Tough shit.
A Sartorial Hint: Don’t call out the Undertaker while wearing a pink tie. It’s a definite fashion faux pas. Of course, Bradshaw’s from Texas, and they think that string ties are appropriate for formal occasions, so maybe we’re lucky he was only wearing a pink tie. Well, technically, you could say it was salmon and not pink, but f*ck the distinction. It’s still pink. And pink ties make you do stupid things, like bring back Gangrel and Viscera. Well, Gangrel is okay (as long as he’s got his entrance), but considering what my job is, I don’t think that I can take a wrestler named “Viscera” right now.
Jordan explains the science of product placement to his boss
That’s not the proper way to inspect Viscera. Trust me.
Chimel Reads Me: Remember last week when I complained about Fifi getting introduced before Hiroko? Well, he changed it this week and this time the geisha gets top props over the f*cking poodle. They read me, you know they do.
Your tag champs and their respective pets
Hobson’s Choice: Actually, they made the right choice on this one. Angle will make TBS look like a million bucks in his big return to PPV and will get a better match out of him than Eddy would (nothing against Eddy, of course, but he doesn’t carry opponents as well as Angle does, and the match is more conducive to Angle’s style). So I’m in favor of this one. I’m not looking forward to it, because a load like that has to have a LOT of ring rust that isn’t going to be worked off by No Mercy, especially in tag matches like next week, but I’m in favor of it.
And now on to Impact…
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Petey Williams, Eric Young, and Bobby Rude over Mister Aguila, Abismo Negro, and Heavy Metal (Time of Match : 5:36, Pinfall, Rude pins Heavy Metal, Death Valley Driver): One advantage to working in the meat industry is the fact that I’ve learned to spell those Spanish names correctly without having to look them up. When all was said and done, this was simply a trios match, and the Mexicans made Team Canada look good. Of course, we had to have the D’Amoron Factor come into play yet again. One sad bit of news from this match, though: West and Tenay contracted a temporary case of WCW Disorder and started talking about the tag scene during the match rather than sticking to the fast and furious action in the ring. Damn. But the good news is that Hector Garza showed up. Are his problems with Antonio Pena solved? I haven’t read anything about that.
Aguila goes flying
Kid Kash and Dallas over Amazing Red and Chris Sabin (Time of Match: 6:50, Pinfall, Kash pins Red, frog splash): Surprisingly fast-paced and action-filled considering Dallas’ occasional lumbering. Nothing spectacular, though.
Sabin drop-kicks Kid Kash
Jeff Jarrett over Lex Lovett (Time of Match: 2:44, Pinfall, Stroke): Oh, goody, a three-minute jobber match. And what was the Elite Guard doing out there other than reminding us that they exist? They didn’t come into play at all.
Slapping nuts is now exclusive to Friday afternoons
A. J. Styles over Alex Shelley (Time of Match: 6:33, Pinfall, rollup): Not a bad little main event, but, again, nothing spectacular. You’d think that with the loss of the weekly PPV, they’d pull out all the stops on what’s now their number one show, but that’s not the case.
A Kama Sutra moment between Alex Shelley and A. J. Styles
None, again surprising considering Impact’s new status. But Tenay and West kept going back to the World Title and Tag Title situations during the matches. Annoying, but it has to suffice considering that no one from either was really involved in the show (other than Jarrett’s jobber match).
Well, that’s it for this week. Hope you enjoyed this, and we’ll see you back on Tuesday.