Terminal Velocity- The WWE Velocity Report 09.18.04

Well, it’s Saturday night, so that must mean it’s time for Velocity. I’m your host Bootflap, and it’s time to take a magical voyage into the land of”¦ erm, sorry there.

Gripe of the Week: Velocity’s idiotic time switch. I had just settled into the 7:00 groove when they just up and move it to 11, which severely conflicts with my MadTV viewin’. Never fear, as I guess now Velocity comes before MadTV. I’ll just have to set another VCR to tape Mad.

Well, lastly, before we begin, some advice for you: never leave the windows of your room open at night because it’s warm outside while you still have the knowledge that a storm may be heading towards you. I was woken at 5:00 this morning as my room became drenched by huge amounts of rain.

WWE Velocity- September 18th, 2004

-Opening pyro, and our hosts as always are Josh and Bill. Matthews mentions Big Show’s contract signing from this past Thursday as Paul London makes his way to the ring, fresh off his slappin’ of Billy Kidman. Here comes Aki, and it appears we’re gonna have some Cruiserweight action.

-Paul London vs. Akio. Lockup to start, arm wrenches traded by the two. Leg scissors roll up by London gets 2. Some more quick 2 count exchanges followed by a staredown. Lockup, takedown by London and a headlock. Akio to his feet, but gets hit with a shoulderblock by London, who proceeds to get a roll up for 2. London gets sent to the corner, where Akio hits his awesome jumping moonsault/dropkick. Akio charges again, but London nails him with a back elbow before going up top and jumping feet-first on Akio’s head. Northern lights suplex gets 2 for London. Akio nails a single-arm DDT and locks on a hammer lock. Akio with some kicks, and then the Scott Hall Shoulders. Arm wrench again, but London reverses another attempt into a 2 count. Akio however takes him down again and locks on an armbar. Akio throws London shoulder-first into the turnbuckle, and nails a dropkick. London tries to fight back, but gets hit with another dropkick. Akio locks on a shoulder lock. Crowd starts to get behind London. London gets up to his feet, hits an armdrag, followed by a jawbreaker, a clothesline, a hurricanrana, and a sidekick for 2. Akio into the corner, quick transaction, and London connects with the Dropsault. London plays Kidman and drags Akio to the corner, where he goes up top. Before he can do anything, Akio comes in with an enziguri before following with a top rope hurricanrana that only gets 2. Akio tries a German suplex, but London lands on his feet and hits a behind-the-back double-armed seated facebuster for the 3 count at about 9 minutes into the match. *1/2. Kinda boring, I was expecting more from London and Akio. Typical new-school WWE cruiserweight match. Josh ponders what London may have in store for Kidman this upcoming Thursday.

-Later tonight, Orlando Jordan will be in action against Scotty 2 Hotty. Also, Luther has a match tonight, but his opponent is not named, so it’s safe to assume it’s the random Weekly Entranceless Jobber.

-Tough Enough ad.

-DOR ad.

-And now, the WWE Rewind: Hei-Den-Reich kidnapping and subsequently raping Michael Cole. Matthews makes fun as Jindrak makes his way out, set to take on Shannon Moore. There are only so many jobber combinations you can have, it seems. These two just fought what, two weeks ago?

-Mark Jindrak vs Shannon “Still look like I’m 12, even with the short hair” Moore. Jindrak attacks Shannon from the start and rubs his face into the ground outside. Into the ring, Mark drops some elbows and hits the left hand shot. Jindrak chokes Moore on the ropes. Shannon fights back and hits a springboard leg lariat for 2. Moore with some clotheslines, but Mark powers out of a sunset flip attempt and hits a hard clothesline before slamming Shannon into the turnbuckle. Jindrak flips Moore upside down and ties him up in the ropes and proceeds to just stomp the shit out of Shannon, saying “I don’t care anymore” when the ref tries to get him to break. Ref DQ’s his ass because he just won’t stop. Appears as if they’re building Jindrak up now to have a ‘mean streak’. Like that will help his mediocre-ness.

-As was said before, our main event tonight is OJ vs. S2H.

-Promo for the Last Ride match. Dream match come true.

-The asshole and his Milky Way candybar commercial is on. God, I hate it.

-SmackDown Throwback time. Shit, it’s just Stephanie winning the Women’s title from Jacqueline. Jesus, can’t one SmackDown throwback NOT have a McMahon involved? Past three weeks either Steph or Vince has been in the throwback. Asses.

-Matthews says that was craz-ay. He also says the 4th match in the Booker/Cena series was cra-zay. I digress. As I do so, we segue into that match a little before Booker blasts Cena with the title belt. Of course, Cena kicks out and goes on to win the match with the FU. Don’t know how that has passed as a credible finisher- looks like it hurts as much as a bodyslam. Cena should at least sit-out with it, like the Yebisu Drop from DOR.

-Matthews reminds us that match #5 of the Cena/Booker series will take place at No mercy. We also are reminded that Big Show vs. Angle, Taker vs. JBL, and Eddie vs. Luther will be at No Mercy.

-Up next, Luther is in action. 5 bucks the match lasts less than 3 minutes.

-Hype for the SmackDown 5th anniversary season premiere. Nice to see Vince and Stephanie regarding themselves as ‘legends’.

-Here comes Luther. Jobber’s already in the ring.

-Luther Reigns vs. Eddie Watts. Luther props Eddie on the top rope and pushes the man to the outside, promptly killing him. Jeesh. Then he kicks him in the head and hits some shots and a short-arm clothesline for 2. Luther locks on a half-Boston crab that somehow turns into a front leg lock. Josh lets us know that Luther has been shot, and has had his neck slit, from ear to ear. Awesome. Watts fights out of the submission, hits some token comeback shots, but falls victim to a double underhook overhead suplex. Big L picks the man up and connect with the Roll of the Dice for the Tres. Demott’s turning point: the opening bell. That’s great. Demott still calls the ROTD a ‘reverse neckbreaker’, having reduced his name for it since last he called the move. Luther really needs a name for it if he’s gonna be an upper-tier guy. ½*, just for the first ten seconds.

-Josh pimps TE. Send your tapes in, bitches.

-Up next, the recap of the Big Show contract signing from SD.

-Triple C ad time. Carlito’s so cool, he walks mindlessly across a heavily trafficked street, holding up traffic. I agree.

-Back on Velocity, WTF is with Matthew’s shirt? It looks like the Pirate shirt from Seinfeld. We now get the recap of the Big Show contract signing- Show signs Eddie’s contract, but then tears it up and signs Angle’s contract, setting the match for NM. Show and Eddie take Angle and Luther out, leading to Theo Long making next week’s main event: Angle/Luther vs. Show/Eddie.

-Matthews and Demott hype that tag match, then hype the other matches set for SmackDown, the Taker vs. Gangrel/Viscera and Spike vs. Rey bouts.

-Up next: Chief Jordan and S2H get it on. As in, they wrestle, of course.

DOR as- this one is a short version, though curiosly, it has some new lyrics thrown in there.

-And now, the WWE Slam of the Week: Gangrel and Viscera returning and taking out the Undertaker. My GOD, Viscera runs at about 4 miles per hour and just FALLS on Undertaker when he attempts to splash him.

-Here comes OJ. Why does he still have his Generic Jobber Theme? Just give him JBL’s.

-Orlando Jordan vs. Scotty 2 Hotty. HUGE pop for Scotty. Scotty proceeds to play to the crowd for a little bit after the bell rings. Lockup, Orlando goes behind, takes Scotty down, and slaps his noggin before releasing him. Staredown, lockup, Orlando takes Scotty to the corner and hits some shoulder strikes. Scotty fights back with some arm drags and a dropkick, but Jordan takes him down again, kicks him, and chokes him with his boot. Shots by Jordan, but Scotty gets in some of his own. Orlando ducks a clothesline and hits some flooring boxer punches that get him a 2 count. OJ locks on a rear chinlock. Crowd gets behind Scotty, who gets to his feet and fights out but runs into a knee lift. OJ kicks Scotty and drops an elbow for a 2 count. Orlando chokes Scotty on the ropes and hits some crossface shots before choking him again. OJ with some cockiness, allowing Scotty to fire back before getting put down again. OJ sets Scotty up but walks right into a superkick. Both men down, S2H nips up and Hulks Up. He hits some shots and a flying forearm. Knee by Orlando, but Scotty gets a school boy for 2. Scotty moves out of the way of a corner charge and sets Jordan up for the 2 Handed Bulldog of Death, but misses. OJ throws him shoulder-first into the turnbuckle, then hits Jeff Hardy’s reverse Twist of Fate for the 1-2-3. Move didn’t look too good. *.

-We end with further hype for the SD season premiere. Yes, the season premiere for a show that’s on all year.

My thoughts: Boring show tonight, but maybe I’m just tired because of the time. I said last week that I was disappointed that there was no Jamie Noble; well, as ironic as it is, there won’t be no Jamie Noble again, for a long time, with his being released and all. The OJ/S2H match was quite boring, the Luther match was a pure squash, and the London/Akio match was a letdown. If you didn’t watch Velocity, you didn’t miss much tonight.

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