Dana’s back! You know what that means; Ozzy’s in the news.
-Mathan Erhardt, 9/16/04
Quite possibly the best quote this week.
Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by the always eclectic Emperor Norton Records. I mean, come on, who else would sign a Mexican guy named Señor Coconut who does salsa covers of Kraftwerk songs?
I really need to start trying to get these things done by Friday at midnight, but since this previous Saturday column is now more or less a Saturday and Sunday column (since we have no Sunday columns here), it gives me yet another excuse to go out and drink on Friday in lieu of working on it. Combine the fact that this is late with there being few pertinent news stories, and my scheduled Jukebox being a no-show, and this column will be quite possibly the shortest one ever.
THE OFFICIAL SATURDAY SWINDLE SHEET NEW WAVE MIXTAPE
(Part 3 of 16)
Erasure, “A Little Respect”
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (DRUNK ELLIOT SMILOWITZ EDITION)
viceroymonarch: yeah im drunk. so instead of making a clever comment about [InsidePulse columnist whose name has been withheld] i just say f*ck [InsidePulse columnist whose name has been withheld]
EmergncyAirlines: give me stuff to put in for my plugs… I will rattle off a name and you can say the first thing that comes to mind
viceroymonarch: lol awesome
EmergncyAirlines: That_Bootleg_Guy
viceroymonarch: i love aaron. he’s awesome
viceroymonarch: he’s just the coolest guy ever
EmergncyAirlines: Mathan
viceroymonarch: he’s a good writer. im pretty sure he doesnt really like me, but whatever
EmergncyAirlines: Who is this Jed Davis guy?
viceroymonarch: i dont know, i didnt read his piece
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Upon further inspection, Jed Davis is a New York-based singer/songwriter who did a really good piece on Johnny Ramone. Check it out here.]
EmergncyAirlines: Gloomchen
viceroymonarch: she seems pretty cool. i’m inherently distrustful of people that got columns just for being friends of successful columnists
viceroymonarch: but she seems pretty cool
viceroymonarch: coughunlikefleawhoisreallyboringandwisheshewashyattecough
EmergncyAirlines: uh oh… do I smell a Flea/Smilo feud? Or maybe a GLOOMCHEN/Smilo feud?
viceroymonarch: neither. flea doesnt read anyone but his ass-buddy hyatte
viceroymonarch: and i just said i like gloomy
EmergncyAirlines: what about Gordi Whitelaw
viceroymonarch: didnt read it
[EDITOR’S NOTE: The Gordi Whitelaw piece is quite good. It reminds me of a really good sirloin steak. Read it here]
EmergncyAirlines: Fingers
viceroymonarch: he’s cool, a little weird on AIM sometimes
EmergncyAirlines: yeah, I can vouch for that… one time Fingers asked me if I could make some sunny-side up eggs and mail them to him because he likes two-day old sunny-side up eggs. True story.
viceroymonarch: what a weirdo
EmergncyAirlines: what about BOTTER
viceroymonarch: he’s um….he likes jimmy eat world, thats cool
viceroymonarch: their new album sounds good from what ive heard
viceroymonarch: hurry up and give me the rest of the names
viceroymonarch: cuz i have to go fight with this asshole
viceroymonarch: whos trying to take advantage of my drunk friend
EmergncyAirlines: D’Errico
viceroymonarch: i dont get tom D, because i dont think he’s emo, but he likes a lot of the emo bands i like
viceroymonarch: its confusing
EmergncyAirlines: ok, thx… now go kick that guy’s ass EMO STYLE
NEWS TO USE
Guitarist Johnny Ramone (né John Cummings) of the Ramones passed away at his Los Angeles-area home this past Wednesday at the age of 55, after a long struggle with prostate cancer. Having managed to hold off the disease for almost 5 years, he had been hospitalized last June at Cedars-Sinai, and had been mostly bedridden since then. Joey Ramone (né Jeff Hyman) died in 2001from lymphatic cancer, and a year later Dee Dee Ramone (né Douglas Colvin) died of a heroin overdose.
While recently transferring all of their tape and film archives to digital media, Sweden’s public television station happened upon a tape containing exclusive footage of Jimi Hendrix concert that had taken place in Stockholm in 1969. It had been hidden atop a shelf in the station’s archives, and had it not been, it more than likely would have been destroyed due to the station not keeping all raw footage because of monetary constraints. The 56-minute footage has never been seen in its entirety, and the station (known as SVT) is trying to figure out if it could show the entire concert without being sued by Hendrix’s estate. Hendrix’s estate is very protective. In fact, I have just been sued for writing about this story. 50 Cent looks like Inch-High Private Eye.
Burt Bacharach has commissioned Dr. Dre to contribute some beats for his upcoming jazz album. “I had got together with Dre about a year and a half ago and talked about doing something for the album that we never did,” Bacharach told a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet in an EXCLUSIVE interview. “Then he gave me the loops, and when I decided to do this album for Sony England, it seemed a natural fit. Plus, one of the main reasons for my wanting to do this collaboration is to make Jeff Fernandez’s head explode. He’s been on my shit list ever since he started stealing by bitches.”
Celine Dion has decided to extend the duration of her Vegas show, A New Day… into 2007. The show, which runs at Caesars Palace and features around 200 dates per year, recently sold its 1,000,000th ticket. According to the show’s spokesperson, “It’s been a great success for everyone … The fans have absolutely loved the show. The response has been great.” Ora Lundgren, a fan who has seen the show 5 times, told a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “It’s such an amazing show. Really, it is. I mean, who would have ever thought that they could train an Afghan Hound to sing and dance? My dog just eats and poops.”
BITS ‘N’ PIECES
Rick James’ cause of death was ruled to be a heart attack due to a severely enlarged heart, although he was along suffering from pneumonia, and had various drugs in his system, including meth, cocaine, Valium, Xanax, and Vicodin.
A New York-based promoter recently got the green light to set up a two-day music festival that is tentatively planned next year for either 7/16-17 or 7/23-24. There are supposedly going to be up to 60 bands involved, or so the promoters hope, and they have been in talks with artists including Radiohead, Beastie Boys, and Norah Jones.
E-40 has signed to Lil Jon’s BME Records imprint. In other news, E-40 now sucks by association.
Shania Twain has said that she will purchase 14.1 million dollars’ worth of land in New Zealand. Do you see? Do you see how slow this news week has been? I have to report about Shania Twain’s real estate purchases! Son of a bitch! Lil Jon HAS to be behind this!
Carnie Wilson of Wilson Phillips announced Wednesday on Entertainment Tonight that she is pregnant. I really don’t feel like making mean fat jokes, because (a) she got her stomach stapled and is longer fat, (b) it’s just plain mean, and (c) I don’t feel like it. I will, however, say that 50 Cent looks like Buckwheat Zydeco.
THE LATE NIGHT JUKEBOX
Nope. My scheduled contributor was a no-show. So, instead, here’s a picture of me at a Busta Rhymes show…
FROM THE LABELS
According to the lovely Aisha Bell of EMI Music Marketing…
Due to their similar message, Virgin [Records]would like to produce DVDs of the new video from A Perfect Circle, Counting Bodies Like Sheep to the Rhythm of the War Drums, for use as a free with purchase item with the new release of the Fahrenheit 911 DVD on October 5.
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html
Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
INFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up in the CD carousel as I wrote this week’s column…
Ol’ Dirty Bastard f/Kelis, “Got Yo’ Money”
Shivaree, “Goodnight Moon”
The Smithereens, “A Girl Like You”
Hooverphonic, “Inhaler”
Daft Punk, “Around the World”
Spahn Ranch, “Remnants”
INXS, “Never Tear Us Apart”
Outkast, “Decatur Psalm”
Orb, “We’re Pastie to Be Grill You”
A Taste of Honey, “Boogie Oogie Oogie”
Cubanate, “Isolation”
Bikini Kill, “Magnet”
The Plimsouls, “A Million Miles Away”
2Pac, “Brenda’s Got a Baby”
Joy Division, “From Safety to Where”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Type O Negative canceled their tour with Amorphis. This sucks, especially since I bought tickets and was really looking forward to seeing the band, at the Metro, on HALLOWEEN. Now I’ll have to find something else to do on Halloween, like bitch about there not being a Type O show.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Jeremy Botter on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I got everything in my mama name, but I’m hood rich… na na na na.
Cheers
-JF2k4!
