TNA Impact 9/17/04


So I am getting ready to write my 2nd Impact Recap without having posted my 1st Recap yet. See, there was this issue with e-mails, and forums and , in what is the first of what I am sure will be many Family Guy references, it’s easier just to call me stupid. I also sometimes channel Professor Farnsworth.

Good news, everybody! Today’s show apparently ISN’T a bunch of repeats, but rather matches taped over the course of the past few weeks. These matches from different days will be slapped together to make this week’s Impact. But will this cut and paste method disrupt Impact’s normal match flow and quality? *cough*

Oh yeah, one more thing before we get started. This isn’t my jurisdiction, but all I know is if Carmela beats out Psycho Spice after Psycho biting Coach in the ass until he had NO CHOICE but to sell it, then we’ll KNOW the fix is in”¦.

Today! X Division! Jarrett! The O Word! Drama! Angst!

We start with the montage of TNA’s Greatest Hits that you’ve seen a million times already. The New Era begins at Victory Road! Which is a really old school video game, too.

Team Canada (Rude, Young and Williams) with Tha Luv Coach vs. Team Mexico (Abysmo Negro, Mr. Aguila and Heavy Metal)

But first, a commercial, because wrestling matches are for wusses. This Wednesday! Another Greatest Hits PPV!

And we come back from commercials JIP, because complete wrestling matches are for wusses. Six man craziness! Planchas! Stereo Ranas! BUT WHERE’S LA PARKA?? Williams makes the comeback for The Canuckleheads as Tenay and West finally recognize a match is going on three minutes in. Rude with a Double Underhook on Aguila, Young in to set up some Shenanigans from D’Amore. Williams tags in for a double team where Aguila busts out a variation of Tajiri’s Springboard Counter where he flips up and over the heels at the end.

Negro in with Clotheslines on Rude, then a Springboard Moonsalut where he lands on his knees. Didn’t mean to, just happened. Aguila and Negro trick Young and Williams outside for Stereo Pescado Action. D’Amore intereference lets Rude get a Powerslam for two. Spin kick gets two for Heavy Metal. He then gets hit by D’Amore AGAIN, and Rude hit’s a DVD for the pin. ** The start of the match rocked, the middle part with the Aguila beat down dragged on for about five hours, and the ending showed us that Evil Is Smart and Good Is Dumb.

After the match we get a post match beat down. All the heels face the same way, giving me hope for a run in from The Chairman, but we get Hector Garza, who lasts about five seconds. In the end the faces get saved by nobody.

We get the video history of Those Crazy Mismatched Tag Champs. Which one is the clean one and which one is the slob? And WHERE is my dog with shifty eyes?? I specifically asked for one last week! Oh, wait, it hasn’t been posted yet. I’ll only wait ONE more week! If we’re going to have Those Crazy Mismatched Tag Champs I want a dog whose eyes shift back and forth so you know he’s evil. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

Kid Kash & Dallas vs. Chris Sabin and Amazing Red

Kash and Red start, or almost start, as Kash stalls by yelling at the crowd. They start off with the Wristlock Reversal Stuff, which is so enthralling we’d better go to commercial. Are you kidding me?

Another Commercial for the X Division Hits PPV, AJ Styles telling us to Not Try This At Home. Try what? Going to commercial? I think I can handle it.

We come back just in time to see Red give Kash a Superkick in the nuts. Didn’t mean to, just happened. Sabin tries for a Monkey Flip but Kash rolls through to land on his feet, his posing lets Sabin get a two count. Clothesline and tag in to Dallas, in full Nash mode. Some puncky kicky and Kash back in and the Springboard Moonsault gets two. Dallas with The Big Boot and Clothesline, and I’m as shocked as you. My GOD he even does the Nash Elbow In The Corner. Sabin comes back with a Tornado DDT but is blocked by Dallas, but Sabin hits an Enzugiri, and THEN gets the Tornado. Red and Kash in. All four men in the ring, and it doesn’t go well for the faces. A Dallas Clothesline sends Sabin outside with Kash, Red eats the Nash Boot, setting up the Frog Splash by Kash for the pin. About *1/2 only because they minimized that Sweet Sweet Squashy Feeling. Dallas should have to send Big Kev royalties.

Monty Brown wants a shot at the title. That of course makes too much sense, so TNA is working on preventing him from getting over by setting up a 4 or 5 way or some other nonsense with Abyss, Raven, and yer momma.

Jeff Jarrett (w/ Elite Guard and El Kabong) vs. Lex Lovett, non=title, I’m guessing

This should be just swell. Jarrett jumps Lovett before the bell because squashes build character. Dropkick by Jarrett, kick by Lovett, who is so pumped from getting a move in he jumps over the top rope and lands on his back outside. Jarrett chucks Lovett into the second row, then smacks him into the Spanish Announce Table. Back in the ring, chocking by Jarrett, Back Body Drop by Jarrett. Lovett with some token jobber offense, including a Standing Buff Blockbuster. Lovett goes up top, and you can pretty much fill in the rest. * Three minute squash.

Alex Shelley (w/Goldilocks) vs. AJ Styles

The spoilers hinted this match is supposed to be Pancakes, and we all know how much Stewie LOVES pancakes. Tenay tells us there will be no Six Points Of Impact this week, which scores this match a * on that alone. Some chain wrestling reversals, just cuz, and AJ comes out on top of that, because he’s the face. AJ outside to the apron, misses a Springboard Whatever, but lands on his feet. Test of Strength which AJ bridges then flips out of. Bodyslam followed by a nasty looking Running Knee Drop gets two for AJ. Styles nails, and I mean nails, a dropkick right on the jaw for two. AJ to the apron outside, and Goldylocks Shenanigans turns the table. Eye of the Hurricane gets two. Push Helms! Shelley whips AJ to the corner then drives both knees into Styles’ chest. White Russian Leg Sweep followed by a roll up for two. A corner charge by Shelley is countered into a Release German by AJ. Forearms and chops by Styles, Tiltawhirl Backbreaker, Inverted Backbreaker! It’s the Five Moves of Doom 2004! Shelley DDT gets two, a Rana is semi botched into a rollup by AJ for the pin. ** ½ Dunno why everyone got all hot and bothered about this. It was decent enough, but what do you want in five minutes? It also wasn’t a squash, which just means I’m ALREADY numb.

This week’s show had less of a total squash mentality, and I’ll be pessimistic and assume it’s from the cut and paste nature of the show. The crowd was into the six man, and the lucha style fits into this format well. They are SUPPOSED to have lots of stuff in a compressed time frame, so it doesn’t look out of place. It looks like Impact is shaping up to be a Mostly Missable Show, and the one you DO actually miss will have a **** X Division match.