THE AMODIO IMPACT REPLAY FOR 9-19-04
My debut is a little late here, too bad, I’ve been buried in baseball this weekend. JETUH! But I guess I’m the opinionated Impact guy. Or something!
The most important things first:
– My name is Amodio.
– I love good wrestling, the way it’s supposed to be done. Storytelling, exciting, crisp, clean moves, and preferably no Acolytes in World Title cage matches. I’ve been watching for long enough to know when wrestling sucks. I won’t be some kid who picked up wrestling in ’02 who thinks that Ice Ice Cena is the man. I’ve seen it all before.
– I love jobbers. It was really exciting for me two months ago when I was sitting in a Smokey Bones’ BBQ in Dayton, OH on a road trip with my brother and Al Snow walked in and sat right next to us. Go J.O.B. Squad!
– I’ve got an opinion. Actually, more than one. I’m a smartass, too. Get used to it.
– My ratings are on the same five-star system as Netc”¦Keith, but less accurate and informed, and more biased. My style probably resembles his too, because he’s the best, and all I can do is imitate for now until I develop my own. I’ll have more run-on sentences though, so rest easy. I’ll give you match times since the Fox Box makes it simple for me.
– I may have a lot of obscure references in my writing, be forewarned.
– I will do my best to give you an idea of the match, but if you’re looking for play-by-play of each of Jarrett’s knee lifts, look elsewhere.
Now, the burning question everyone’s asking: “What kind of loser has time to write about Impact every Friday at 3 PM? It’s probably some fat anti-social loser who stumbles out of his parents’ basement for some ding-dongs and happens to catch it on TV.” However, I have a job, and a life, and I like them both. Behold, the miracle of ReplayTV! (Or Tivo, by its specific-generic name.) Oh, and I don’t have to watch commercials for second rate sports TV either!
Ok, so away we go!
TNA IMPACT”¦”¦ITS RASSLIN’. HOORAY RASSLIN’!
This episode is canned from Orlando since Hurricane Ivan caused them to use flotsam from last week’s tapings, so prepare for filler city! I will not cover the filler segments, so if you want those, get your head examined. With the weekly PPVs gone, this seems to be their “flagship program” between monthly PPVs, so there might actually be something to cover here someday.
We open up with the new opening TNA video package by the acquisition from the WWE of “the video guy.” THAT’S a big pickup.
In our recap segment, Jarrett cuts another Memphis promo teasing the appearance of Nash and Hall on the PPV. The same TNA package they showed last week, a “history” of all the stars and a few of the excellent matches over the 2 years of the company.
Our hosts are Tenay and West from some studio voicing over the lame commentary.
MATCH 1: TEAM CANADA (Petey Williams, Eric “I’m the one who wears a top” Young, and Bobby Rude, accompanied by Scott D’A”More than a little overweight”) vs. TEAM MEXICO (Abysmo Negro, “Mr.” Aguila, Heavy Metal).
Commercial break and chaos to start, and Aguila uses a springboard armdrag and a flipping tope to remove himself and Rude from the discussion. Stereo head scissors from the luchadores leads to a little nondescript wrestling sequence between Williams and Abysmo, ending in Negro getting the advantage from a shoulder powerslam. Team beatdown on Aguila, as Williams gets a 2 off of a jumping calf kick, Rude off of a butterfly suplex, and Young off of a pendulum backbreaker. Young’s style is very weak compared to the rest of the Canadians, and Aguila gets a nice double clothesline comeback and makes the room temperature tag to Abysmo Negro, who cleans house, getting a decent knee lift on Rude and an off-center lionsault. That’s broken up by the Canadians, and we have a SIZE 36D BRAWL, ending in a badly synchronized pair of Abysmo’s suicide dive, and Aguila’s same flipping tope again, taking Williams and Young out as we crawl toward the finish. Heavy Metal gets his first action of the night leading to a powerslam from Rude for 2. Top rope finisher from Metal is screwed up by D’Amore’s truly international object, and Rude gets an F-U for the finish at 5:35. Team Canada’s weak heel beatdown diluted a weak formula tag match. * Post-match beatdown, until Hector Garza runs in to do his nifty double-kick, though he gets taken down as well. Boring.
MATCH 2: Kid Kash & Dallas vs. Chris Sabin & Amazing Red.
Stalling to start, as Kash jaws with the crowd. ECW-style wrestling sequence ends in a commercial break. Because it was JUST THAT exciting. Either that, or they didn’t want to show the applause pause fail miserably. Back for a double-team Russian legsweep from the faces, before Kash gets the advantage back with a clothesline on Sabin. Tag in to Dallas, who uses the “I’m big and I have long hair” side slam. Yeah, we really need Nash in TNA. Kash comes in and uses some generic heel chopping and poking, before getting two off of a nice moonsault. Dallas takes the standing enziguiri and climbing tornado DDT as the fans get into a pretty brief face comeback. Red gets the hotter tag, a couple clothesline, and Kash totally botches the Infra-red. Kash then botches a jumping kick from Sabin on the apron, missing two spots in about 20 seconds. But at least he looks like Kid Rock. The “I’m big” boot from Dallas puts Red down, and Kash’s frog splash puts him out at 6:49. Yeah, we really need Nash in TNA. It was fine except for the blown spots. *3/4
MATCH 3: THE ELITE GUARD (“Guess what color my skin is” Onyx, “Guess what my nationality is” Hernandez, and “Chad was too gay of a name for a military gimmick” Collyer.) ACCOMPANYING (Thanks for telling me that they weren’t wrestling after I typed up all the nicknames, champs) Jeff Jarrett vs. Lex Lovett (J).
I remember Chad Collyer from HWA, he didn’t suck. Now, a word about the (J) icon. Impact uses a lot of jobbers, and (J) helps newbies to the program know who we can look to to carry the torch of Barry Horowitz. Jarrett’s “monster heel” offense this time around includes a DROPKICK. The Iron Sheik would be pleased. We go outside for some tumbling”¦err, brawling. The Austin running choke is next. Wow, how fearsome. Lovett gets in 5 blows and a running Buff Blockbuster before missing a Harlem Hangover and allowing Jarrett to get the TRASH TALKING STROKE for 3 at 2:44. Jarrett seems to like to book himself like HHH, but dropkick, backdrop, stroke isn’t exactly high-knee, spinebuster, pedigree. So as a result, this was lame, even for a jobber match. DUD If you want to be the monster heel, Jarrett, get a new offense, because nobody’s buying this lame shit.
MATCH 4: Alex “I look like I could be a model if my face wasn’t too narrow, that’s enough for wrestling” Shelley (w/Goldylocks) vs. AJ “Freakin'” Styles.
Here comes another commercial break, as Max Kellerman has made it onto the FSN trailer. JETUH! Tenay breaks my heart by saying that NASCAR-boy isn’t here this week. I guess he had a Klan rally or something. Stalling to start, before a good grappling sequence gets things going with a hammerlock as the point of contention. Minimal applause pause, which is more than we usually get from the stupid Impact audience, leading to the gayest test of strength ever, as Shelley makes multiple attempts to mount AJ, but they draw it out enough that it looks good in the end. AJ then gets the advantage, allowing him to show off a little offense, including his DAMN DECENT knee drop, which gets 2. They show Goldilocks after AJ gets a nice dropkick, and she forgets what emotion she should be using. I love wrestling. AJ takes a pretty sick bump as Alex breaks up a springboard forearm, and the crowd starts the TNA chant. Appropriately enough, the Eye of Hurricane Ivan gets 2 from Shelley. A little generic, but good-looking heel offense leads to what JR would call an “unorthodox” Russian legsweep rollup. AJ gets the comeback with a well-executed release german suplex, a rare choice for him, but it looks good. Roaring elbow is blocked, but Styles gets a delayed tilt-o-whirl backbreaker, setting up the springboard DDT and a try at the Styles Clash, but Shelley gets out and uses a three-handled-credenza only getting two fish. Suplex is reversed, and Styles uses a surprise head-scissors rollup for 3, getting the pin at 6:33. This was a very nice styles match, Shelley kept up with the flow, and though meaningless, it was a lot of fun, and Styles is sweet. **1/2.
The Replay Replay:
Well, no Jeff Hardy this week, he must be out campaigning for same-sex marriage. And no really pathetic jobbers, Raven, or 3 Live Cru either, so I haven’t had much to mock this week. But at least the video packages are better, and the main event was good, so I’m satisfied, and you should be too. Until next time, Make Mine Pulse!
