Mark Burnett is getting sloppy. Perhaps, with The Apprentice, The Restaurant, and a few other ideas cooking on the stove, he’s spreading himself a little too thin. At least, that’s what the premier of Survivor: Vanuatu said to me. While he obviously works hard at keeping Survivor fresh by throwing in new twists to the game, he seems to be forgetting some of the essentials. For example, the show was only an hour long, probably so as not to compete with the beginning of The Apprentice. Give me my full ninety minutes, you cheap bastard. And the brief introductions of each player were notably absent on the premier of season number nine. Of course, I had already looked up the basic statistics of each survivor on the CBS website, but still. I’m a girl who appreciates tradition and dammit, if there’s a sheep farming girl named Dolly on the show, I want to hear that fact come out of Probst’s mouth. He should be working harder, anyway.
The opening initiation ceremony that the players underwent was intriguing. I had to wonder how much time the Vanuatu natives spent rehearsing their dance routine, which kept making me think of the wedding scene in Coming to America. And were they appropriately compensated for hauling the contestants around in those canoes or was the promise of international fame and recognition enough?
The downside of devoting some much air time to pig slaughtering and shrill whooping is that it left very little room for a reasonable introduction to the players themselves. Brook’s ejection from the game was largely a mystery, except for the fact that it looks like Chris was able to successfully align with some other anti-Brooks. Chris described Brook as cocky and annoying, but so were some of the other guys. And I never saw Brook being especially offensive, so what was going on there? Show, don’t tell, Mark.
The unbalanced editing of the premier left me a little disappointed but nevertheless hungry for more. The cast, even though they were inadequately introduced, looks great. My observations thus far:
1. Chris and Bubba are the feminists of the male tribe. They both talked about the danger of underestimating women, a far (and much more respectable cry) from the piggish comments made by J.P. about how he hoped the men would continue to get preferential treatment. And Rory, the moment you lectured your tribe mates that they were “walking in a group like a bunch of ladies,” I knew you were trouble.
2. And although I respect you, Chris, the word mischievous only has three syllables.
3. As Chad unveiled his prosthetic leg, the music swelled in such a rad way.
4. Can’t we just have one season where all the women have real breasts? Is that really too much to ask?
5. Eliza said something to effect that she was trying not to be too pushy. Good luck, sweetheart.
6. Twila is so dead. The aggressive worker bees never win.
7. Dr. Scout! I don’t think I’ve seen a more impressive resume than the one she holds. A PhD, a recording career, a long-time lesbian partner. What a woman. It’s evident that the physical challenges are going to be hard for her, but I hope she sticks around for a while.
8. When J.P. talked about producing an ember during the fire-making attempt, it really sounded like he was saying Amber. He said, “We had a hot Amber.” I was thinking, “Uh, wasn’t that last season, bud?”
