At the beginning there was a lot of fuss as everything that was came to be, time and energy began before they were named, and life, the universe and creation itself started. After all that came the Nexus. The Nexus was getting by just fine until one bright person, a certain Mr. Nick Piers, found a flashing lightbulb over his head that told him to get in touch with a Mr. Iain Burnside about putting one of their idiotic AIM conversations onto the website as a column. This is the first such endeavour…
Part One!
KingKongBurnside: I’m trusting you to save this thing as I always forget.
RedWave247: I will. Honest!
RedWave247: So! Welcome everyone to the first edition of Burned & Piersed. Say hello, Iain.
KingKongBurnside: Hello, Nexus.
RedWave247: No, no, no! You’re supposed to say…forget it. Thanks a lot, Burnside. In just two words, you ruined the first joke of the column.
KingKongBurnside: I’m trying to raise the intellect of our viewers, Piers!!
RedWave247: Our readers have intellect?
KingKongBurnside: Okay, let’s do the knock-knock joke instead then…
KingKongBurnside: Knock, knock.
RedWave247: Who’s who? Er…who’s there?
KingKongBurnside: Doctor!
RedWave247: Doctor Who?
KingKongBurnside: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHALOLWTFOMGDANCINGBANANA!
RedWave247: Well then…we have this thing….uh….started.
KingKongBurnside: Check and mate, Piers!
RedWave247: Yes”¦.anyway! So Burned & Piersed is brought to you by the Dark Overlord. All monkeys bow before him.
KingKongBurnside: I like monkeys.
RedWave247: Who doesn’t?
KingKongBurnside: What, Doctor Who?
RedWave247: *Slap!* Moving on.
KingKongBurnside: Heh!
RedWave247: So! First topic: The Brand Spanking New Bendis Avengers line-up. Burnside?
KingKongBurnside: Before I read The Sentry TPB, I wasn’t particularly fussy about it as Disassembled licks donkey scrotum. After reading The Sentry TPB, I am DYING to see how Bendis is going to follow up on that character.
RedWave247: But Sentry was pretty much self-contained. And greatly done, at that.
KingKongBurnside: ‘Twas. But look at what Bendis has done for characters like Daredevil or Spider-Man.
RedWave247: But I mean, think about the line-up. It’s supposed to be Marvel’s big guns, JLA-like, right? Spider-Man and Wolverine make sense. But Cage? Spider-Woman? They’re just Bendis trying to shoe in his own characters.
KingKongBurnside: It’s not meant to be Marvel JLA, though. They’ve denied that on every front! If it was then they would have added the likes of Hulk, Punisher, Daredevil, etc.
RedWave247: They also denied that Magneto was dead-dead-dead in Morrison’s run. Or that this was indeed the new line-up before it was announced.
KingKongBurnside: I think there’s a difference between denying aspects of the story and denying how the story is meant to be marketed…
RedWave247: True, but its funny when they deny the truth. It’s like Bill Clinton denying he had sexual relations. Or a “wardrobe malfunction”.
KingKongBurnside: “BREAKING NEWS – JOE QUESADA DENIES THERE WERE ANY WMD’S!”
RedWave247: The hunt for Kevin Smith is over! Found in the cellar of Jay & Silent Bob’s Secret Stash!
KingKongBurnside: Must… kill…. Smith…. lazy… fat…. f*ck….
RedWave247: Seriously, though. Marvel heroes don’t work the same as DC’s. They’re more individuals. Spider-Man’s totally out there on his own in the Marvel U. And what the hell does Wolverine need to be on yet ANOTHER team. Why, put him on Runaways, next! And Exiles! And Outsiders! Yeah, cross him over to DC! Put him in WildCats! Every single book in the comic book industry should have Wolverine in it!
KingKongBurnside: Well, there is a connection between him and Captain America”¦ Although, yes, in an ideal world they would limit him to ONE team book, i.e. the main X-book, in this case Astonishing, and his solo book. But that will never happen because we fear change, yes we do.
RedWave247: Or Marvel fears continuity. Where does this guy find the time!?
KingKongBurnside: HYPERTIME! Oops, wrong company.
RedWave247: Latest member of the Avengers…….CHLOE!!!
KingKongBurnside: Hey, just wait until we get the Ultimate Wolverine solo book…
KingKongBurnside: Ladies and gentlemen – our first CHLOE reference!!
RedWave247: Don’t give them any ideas. I love that Peter David outright turned Marvel down for an Ultimate Hulk book. He said they bastardized the big guy in Ultimates.
KingKongBurnside: Still haven’t read that. The hardcover is out on the 1st though!
[NOTE: It wasn’t. Bastards.]
RedWave247: (Yes folks, the Chloe inside joke refers to DC probably eventually bringing Chloe into current continuity based on her success in Smallville. Therefore…she’s everywhere!)
KingKongBurnside: (Except she’s dead in Smallville now… apparently…)
RedWave247: (Shyeah, like anyone stays dead in comics or comic book properties.) But getting back to Hulk. I’ve only heard of what they did. Something about him being a big rage of hormones and a pervert or something. Don’t quote me on that.
KingKongBurnside: Isn’t that exactly what Hulk SHOULD be?? Man/Monster, Jekyll/Hyde, etc.?
RedWave247: I don’t think so. I think the Hulk, as far as just the green guy (not Banner), is a big child because it’s partially Banner’s repressed childhood.
KingKongBurnside: An interesting interpretation, but I don’t think that’s what Stan The Man was originally aiming for.
RedWave247: I can’t really comment much on Ultimates yet. Like you, I’m picking up the HC.
KingKongBurnside: HC’s RULE!!!
RedWave247: But getting back to the point about Hulk, I’m not so sure. Hulk wasn’t so much stupid but just amazingly trusting and gullible.
KingKongBurnside: Was this the basic distinction between the Green and Grey Hulks?
RedWave247: I think so. Though Grey Hulk is now Mr.Fixit, which I think is a neat idea.
KingKongBurnside: I’m waiting for CHLOE Hulk”¦
RedWave247: But yeah, Grey Hulk was supposed to be smarter, meaner, but not as strong.
RedWave247: HYPERTIME Hulk!
RedWave247: The Honorable Hypertime Hulk! The HHH of comics!
RedWave247: Okay, I think we’ve moved totally off topic. Final thoughts on the Bendis Avengers?
KingKongBurnside: BRING IT ON, BABY!!
RedWave247: I say…if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. I like the idea of a new team and such, but using characters that are in enough books all ready is ridiculous.
KingKongBurnside: Actually, the main question about it has to be exactly how long it will last and whether or not things will just immediately revert back to the status quo afterwards, a la Morrison’s New X-Men. I mean, really, are we heading for Heroes Reborn II?
RedWave247: That’s pretty much it, isn’t it? Heroes getting “killed off”, new Avengers book, Thunderbolts book coming back because of aforementioned killing off. All we need is Reed Richard’s kid to be carrying around some ball and we’re set.
KingKongBurnside: LOL
KingKongBurnside: They’re gonna kill Franklin sooner or later, you know.
RedWave247: My bet is that Franklin is Galactus’ new slap-around-boy. It’s the thing no one would suspect, but the kid has power, baby! POWER! Or he did. I can’t keep that straight.
RedWave247: So, next topic (ding!): DC’s rumored Ultimate Line.
KingKongBurnside: I have absolutely no clue about how that could possibly work! If that was what they wanted to do, why not use Birthright? Oh! Better yet – use New Frontier.
RedWave247: New Frontier?
KingKongBurnside: Bring back the good ol’ fashioned story telling techniques. You never heard of New Frontier? Darwyn Cooke’s baby? Ruddy brilliant series, albeit overpriced?
RedWave247: Oh right! THAT New Frontier. Waiting for the HC on that!
KingKongBurnside: Good man!
RedWave247: I don’t know, though. Does DC really need an Ultimate universe? They had one 20 years ago with Crisis. And for some reason, I feel that the Ultimate line will hurt Marvel in the long run. Especially if it outsells and out-qualities the regular universe.
KingKongBurnside: Well, it does.
RedWave247: That’s what I mean.
KingKongBurnside: The only way the regular one can catch up is with a big name writer like Whedon. But hey, Marvel won’t care as long as they are making money.
RedWave247: Nope. But I wonder if ten years from now, we might be looking at Marvel doing their own Crisis to fix up continuity. Making the Ultimate universe their continuity then backstep and go back. And kill Kyle and bring back Hal in the process.
KingKongBurnside: Well in Marvel’s case they would kill Peter and bring in Ben… Then kill Ben and bring back a clone of Peter…
RedWave247: Now THAT would be an interesting story.
KingKongBurnside: Then reveal that the clone of Peter was actually the real Peter all along…
RedWave247: Oh wait, I thought you meant Uncle Ben, not Ben Reilly. My bad.
KingKongBurnside: Then he’d find out that it was all the master plan of CHLOE OSBORN!!
RedWave247: Argh. Girlfriend is saying “time’s up”. Can we continue this tomorrow?
KingKongBurnside: Who would of course, be a clone of the Jackal in disguise. Who is the alter-ego of Norman. Who is, in fact, Daron K in disguise.
KingKongBurnside: Sure thing, I have to get some sleep anyway.
RedWave247: Well, Daron’s behind everything so that makes sense!
RedWave247: Okay…now to save…
KingKongBurnside: Good man.
Part Two!
KingKongBurnside: Beware the DK!
RedWave247: Right then! What do we talk about next?
KingKongBurnside: Umm…………..
RedWave247: Hey, did you know that Giffen won’t work for DC because of killing of Sue?
KingKongBurnside: Seriously? I thought he was going to be on JLA Classified?
RedWave247: It’s true! Hold on a sec and I’ll give you the link. And the whole creative team is going to Image for their own thing in the same vein.
KingKongBurnside: For f*ck’s sake…
RedWave247: Here. “I never again, as long as I live, am touching DC Universe characters in that context,” he said. “And that’s it, over and out.”
KingKongBurnside: But he doesn’t say it’s because of Identity Crisis“¦
RedWave247: It is. It says that in the article.
KingKongBurnside: Where? I must be going blind…
RedWave247: The miniseries sold extremely well, but a follow-up – Not Necessarily the Justice League – is in limbo (particularly now that Sue Dibny was the first casualty of DC’s Identity Crisis event miniseries), and Giffen and company decided to take their show on the road.
KingKongBurnside: Okay… but that doesn’t mean that they are leaving because they are pissed off about her death. It could just be that they don’t want to do the story without her in it, and that they are using this opportunity to do something new.
RedWave247: Could be. But the way Giffen says he’ll never work for them again sounds pretty adamant.
RedWave247: Huh. NYX is ending with #7.
KingKongBurnside: It really bugs me when creators get so bent out of shape about characters like this. It’s like HEAT all over again. Get a grip!
RedWave247: I think we have our next topic! And this is one I don’t agree with you on!
KingKongBurnside: NYX #7 – solicited for November, released in…. Hypertime
RedWave247: Giffen Never to work for DC again due to Dibny. Your thoughts?
KingKongBurnside: Well… I just said ’em…
RedWave247: Uh. Right.
RedWave247: My thoughts!
RedWave247: I can understand where Giffen is coming from. He takes a great female character and makes her a semi-important part of Formally Known. I mean, she was married to a four!
KingKongBurnside: Yes, and now the company isn’t doing anything else with them and they have let another creative team use the character for another story. What’s the problem? It’s not like anybody would be particularly surprised if she was brought back. To quote Beast, “Why can nobody ever stay buried anymore?”
RedWave247: I hope she stays buried just to keep the meaning of it. But considering how much Giffen loves the Formally Known and old Justice League days and now he can’t do much about it with all this darkening, I can’t say I blame him for being a little miffed. I mean, that’s pretty much what the guy has been synonymous with.
KingKongBurnside: He could quite easily do another light-hearted tale with the same characters if he wanted to. It’s like some former Superman writer getting all bent out of shape about Azzarello’s depressing run. The IC audience would likely be completely different from the JLI audience anyway.
RedWave247: No, but he wouldn’t do too well with Elongated Man. There’s no way the guy will go back to normal again. So what would you suggest? No Elongated Man? No FOUR!?
KingKongBurnside: He could just do a Booster/Beetle book. That would work. Throw in guest appearances from the likes of Guy Gardner or Mary Marvel. Whatever. I’m fairly certain he wouldn’t leave the company over something so trivial. It’s definitely got to be that he wants the chance to do something new, that he has had the idea kicking around his head for a while, and that he sees this as a good opportunity to go for it.
RedWave247: Which I think will be a great story, honestly. He mentions in that interview that a superhero goes to an alternate reality where he never gained powers. And is kind of a bum. It shows a pic of the two of them sitting at a bar. So while I’ll miss a second run with Formally Known, I think I might enjoy Hero Squared.
KingKongBurnside: Yeah, I’m definitely going to check it out. Plus I still have plenty of old Justice League back issues to hunt down!
RedWave247: So, you think there’s more to the story? It feels like it’s pretty cut and dry.
KingKongBurnside: I missed a lot of those the first time around.
RedWave247: They should put more trades of that out.
KingKongBurnside: There’s only two so far, I think. But then DC do generally worship the suck when it comes to trades.
RedWave247: Especially after the success of Formally. Ah ha! Next subject! (I think this is gonna be more than one column)
RedWave247: TPBs. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
KingKongBurnside: Oooh. Interesting”¦
RedWave247: DC has some good things going for them. The Vertigo line is FANTASTIC when it comes to putting out trades. But Starman and Hitman still aren’t done. And there hasn’t been any more Gotham Central, HERO or Fallen Angel.
KingKongBurnside: And still only two Catwoman books, plus the ever-irritating Hush-in-two-volumes scenario, which they are repeating on For Tomorrow.
RedWave247: Yep. But you have to admit, they did that purely for the reason of making more money.
KingKongBurnside: Greedy [censored].
RedWave247: If they did it for the fans or for the sake of the story, they’d do a Long Halloween/Dark Harvest.
KingKongBurnside: They should also take a leaf out of Marvel’s book when it comes to their HCs. Over-size, extras, and SHINY! Above all else – SHINY!
RedWave247: Definitely. Oversized, cheap in comparison to the individuals and usually LOADED with extras.
KingKongBurnside: The best extra ever was the Morrison Manifesto. That is such an inspirational read!
RedWave247: Or at least Image. Powers and Invincible were both fantastic to read in TPB form.
RedWave247: Yeah, but they totally dropped the ball with the lack of manifesto in the third HC! I was so pissed by that! It was just a bunch of sketches by whatshisname.
KingKongBurnside: Yeah, but the third one came out after SuckLoad.
RedWave247: Or ReSuck.
KingKongBurnside: Suck Suck. The Vietnamese prostitute of Marvel.
RedWave247: No worse than Avengers Disasuckled.
KingKongBurnside: Disasuckled! We have a winner!
RedWave247: Thank you, thank you! I’ll be here ’till Thursday! Try the veal!
RedWave247: And on that note, I think we’ll close up this column…since me and Ter are gonna watch Kill Bill 2.
KingKongBurnside: Okay…. MARVEL AGE DIGESTS RULE!!!
RedWave247: YES!!! Runaways! Spider-Girl! Sentinel!!!
RedWave247: VAUGHAN!!!!!
KingKongBurnside: VAUUUUUUUUGHANNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!
RedWave247: VAAAAAAAGHAAAAAAAAN!!!!
RedWave247: STIFLER’S MOM!!!!!
KingKongBurnside: MILF! MILF! MILF!
RedWave247: MILF! MILF! MILF!
RedWave247: CHLOE!!!!
RedWave247: This is the greatest column ever. Because we said so.
KingKongBurnside: CHLOE’S MOM!!!
KingKongBurnside: Is this the whole thing done or are we adding more tomorrow?
RedWave247: I think that’s pretty good for the first column.
KingKongBurnside: I guarantee you no bugger will pay any attention to our ramblings! But hey, it’s good fun for us”¦
RedWave247: Final comments? Without using “Damnit Piers” “Chloe” “Hypertime” or “Vaughan”?
KingKongBurnside: Final Comments – Good readers of the Nexus! I am being censored and restrained from using any catchphrases by a man sucking a lollipop!!! I have video evidence!!!! HELP ME!!!!
RedWave247: LOL! I swear, Burnside, if that video shows up on Albinoblacksheep.com!!!
KingKongBurnside: Whaddya mean, ‘if’?
RedWave247: In the words of a Ron Pearlman. Aw crap.
KingKongBurnside: “Mmmm…. nachos….”
KingKongBurnside: Best line in Hellboy!
KingKongBurnside: Oh! Funniest bit EVER!
KingKongBurnside: When he hit that guy in the head with the stone!!
KingKongBurnside: I pissed myself laughing at that. WHAM!
RedWave247: It’s just the fact that he absolutely CLOCKS him! I mean, REALLY nails him!
KingKongBurnside: Totally!! After the Old Yawning Trick. And Selma Blair…. how hot?
RedWave247: Bah, he deserved it. I, Nicholas C. Piers I Esq. choose to remain quiet on the grounds that it may incriminate me against my girlfriend.
KingKongBurnside: So whipped…
RedWave247: Yeah? Whatchoo got?
KingKongBurnside: Buh?
RedWave247: Yeah, that’s what I thought!
RedWave247: People of Nexus, Iain Burnside must live vicariously through my sex life!
KingKongBurnside: “¦
RedWave247: Why, he accepted a video from me with the name “nickstrip”. Do we need more proof!
RedWave247: And thus concludes the first episode of Burned & Piersed!
KingKongBurnside: It’s true… he has a lollipop…
RedWave247: OW3NED!
KingKongBurnside: DAMNIT PIERS!!!
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