The SmarK RAW Rant – September 20, 2004
– Live from Tucson, AZ.
– Your hosts are JR & King.
– Opening interview: Vincent K is out for his earth-shattering announcement, which was already announced on commercials last week. And indeed, at Taboo Tuesday, fans will decide the World title match, and stipulations for the undercard. Bischoff thinks it’s a great idea on paper, but the fans are idiots and won’t make the right decisions. Vince thinks Eric is patronizing him. Perish the thought. So Vince books him against Eugene for the PPV. Crowd reaction to his return is mixed, to say the least. Eric tries sucking up to him to get out of the match, but Eugene slaps him down. And kisses Vince. This was awful, as the fans didn’t seem to buy into the concept of the PPV at all, and they really need to let Eugene die and repackage Dinsmore as something else.
– Trish Stratus & Molly Holly v. Stacy & Victoria. Trish takes Victoria down with an armbar to start, but gets rolled up for two. Victoria takes her down and gets the Jigglesault for two. Molly comes in, but walks into a powerslam for two. Victoria tries a Giant Swing, but can’t get height or hangtime on it, and the fans notice. Trish comes in and pounds away in the corner, but Victoria hits her with a sideslam, and Stacy gets two. Molly cuts off a tag, but Stacy backslides her for the pin at 2:24. I have no idea why they’re trying storylines where Stacy has to wrestle, because she’s a terrible, terrible wrestler. 1/2*
– Meanwhile, Vince bumps into Randy Orton, and they talk about destiny and stuff.
– And now, what we’ve all been waiting for: An interview with “Babykiller” Gene Snitsky! It’s not his fault! They can actually keep milking this guy for a while. Give him “The Coat Hanger” or “The Abortion” as a finisher, and you’re set. In fact, they could run a whole character angle for him whereby Randy Orton gets all the Divas pregnant, and week after week Snitsky attacks them and causes them to miscarry. And he can even have a catchphrase: “It’s not a woman’s right to choose, it’s MY RIGHT TO CHOOSE!” That’s MONEY, baby.
– The Hurricane v. Tajiri. Holy crap, it’s a TAG DIVISION. Hurricane takes Tajiri down with a wristlock to start, but Tajiri kicks him in the head. Huricane elbows him down and drops some fists for two. Hurricane holds him with a full nelson, but Tajiri escapes with a cross-body and gets an inverted tornado DDT for two. He goes back up to try again, but Hurricane blocks, only to get a shot in the mouth for two. Hurricane comes back with an Unprettier for two, but Tajiri rolls over for the pin at 2:39. Buncha spots. 1/2* Hurricane is so upset over the loss that he steals his mask back from the kid at ringside. Good, they need an edge.
– Meanwhile, Kane is interviewed at the unnamed “medical facility”, where’s there’s only a 50/50 chance that they can save the baby. Wow, never heard that one before. Kane vows revenge on Snitsky. The very idea of Kane feuding with a jobber named Gene Snitsky over his unwilling wife’s dead baby is somehow perversely hilarious to me. Snitsky’s getting a better push than most of the ROSTER right now.
– Intercontinental title: Chris Jericho v. Shawn Michaels. Dear god, Jericho got a haircut. TSN even scores off him, as the sports update guy says he looks like the mom from Growing Pains now. Oh, TAG. Quick rant: JR keeps hammering on the “Jericho grew up idolizing Shawn Michaels” nonsense, but Shawn Michaels didn’t break out as a big star until 1994, at which point Jericho was already in Japan! Shawn is a CONTEMPORARY, not a legend. Captain Charisma joins us on commentary. Shawn starts on the arm and they trade off that, allowing Jericho to do the wristlock bridge, and Shawn takes him down with a headlock. They fight over a backslide, get nowhere, and Shawn knees him in the gut. Jericho tosses him, but Shawn pulls himself back in and they fight on the apron. Shawn wins that one and comes back in with a high cross, but Jericho rolls through for two. Jericho grabs a headlock, but Shawn takes him into the corner for some chops. Jericho comes back with a backbreaker, but they fight on the top and Shawn puts him down and drops the flying elbow. This prompts Christian to run down and go after Shawn, only to get dumped. Jericho hits Shawn with the enzuigiri and we take a break as Christian gets sent home. That was like a Saturday Night’s Main Event run-in or something. Back with Shawn holding a sleeper, and he clips Jericho as he flips out of it. Shawn goes to work on the knee and it’s figure-four time. Jericho fights out, but Shawn keeps going for it, finally settling on a cheap shot to get it again. Jericho reverses for two, however. They trade some nasty chops and Jericho comes back with a forearm and the bulldog. Lionsault misses, but Jericho recovers with the Flashback for two. Backslide gets two. Shawn tries a sunset flip, but Jericho blocks for two, and Shawn reverses for two. Rolling cradle gets two for Shawn. Shawn misses a dropkick, and the Lionsault hits this time, for two. Shawn comes back with the forearm and kip-up, but Jericho catches him with the Walls of Jericho. And now TOMKO runs in, and Jericho stupidly goes after him, allowing Shawn to hit him with the superkick. That gets two, and Christian runs in for the DQ at 13:35. Ugh. ***1/4
– Meanwhile, Kane’s shrieks of terror from behind the door seem to indicate bad news. I’m no doctor, though”¦
– Recap of the whole brutal Diva Search leads up to the final nail in the coffin for the “competition”, as it’s THANKFULLY time to pick a winner and get it over with. But not yet.
– Sylvain Grenier v. Maven. Maven appears to be taking his vitamins, if you know what I mean. Grenier attacks him in the corner and whips him to the other corner to start, and a fisherman’s suplex gets two. We hit the chinlock, but Maven fights out and gets the high dropkick. They slug it out and Maven goes after Conway, then hits Grenier with a leg lariat. Maven goes up with a high cross, but Grenier rolls through for two. Flapjack, but Grenier stalls and gets cradled for the pin at 2:38. Grenier? In a watchable match? Is the world gone mad? 3/4*
– Meanwhile, the “doctors” inform us that they lost the baby. Well, it’s usually in the last place you look. Kane doesn’t take it very well, and Lita lies there all doped up, her most convincing performance ever.
– Simon Dean once again informs us of the dangers of being fat and ugly. Hey, is that WWE home video employee Lou DiPietro? I think it is!
– JR and King offer their condolences to Kane and Lita. And speaking of abortions, it’s time for the Diva Search finals! And the winner is”¦eh, who cares. That was certainly $250,000 well spent.
– Evolution v. Chris Benoit, Mr. Benjamin & Randy Orton. Benjamin slugs HHH down to start, and they work off a headlock. Benjamin kips up and prevents a charging HHH from doing whatever. He slugs away in the corner and gets a backdrop, but HHH takes him into the heel corner, and Benjamin has to fight out and tag in Benoit. Flair brings Benoit into the corner and starts chopping, but that goes pretty badly for him as Benoit just completely destroys him. I mean, just totally batters him raw. Enzuigiri triggers another Flair Flop and Benoit goes up right away, hitting the diving headbutt for two. HHH saves and it’s BONZO GONZO. Orton brawls out with HHH and tries an RKO, but gets sent into the post and then killed by Batista. Orton is out cold, and Benoit goes right back to chopping Flair. They collide and we take a break. Back with Benjamin getting what appears to be a hot tag and going nuts on Evolution, slugging away on Flair in the corner and getting the Blinger splash. Batista misses a charge and gets more of the same. Another try aimed at HHH, but this time he walks into a high knee. Nice spot. So now Benjamin is YOUR face-in-peril, and Batista powerslams him for two. They beat on him in the heel corner and HHH gets the MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER for two. It’s figure-four time from Flair, but Benjamin makes the ropes. HHH comes in and keeps on the leg, holding Benjamin in the corner in various ways, until he finally fights off Batista with the dragon-whip kick. Hot tag Benoit, who continues his chop-war with Flair and gets a backdrop into the rolling germans, into the crossface, but HHH saves. So Benoit hits HIM with a german suplex and puts Flair in the Sharpshooter, but now Batista saves and hits him with a spinebuster. Benjamin gets rid of Batista, and now Orton makes the miracle return and cleans house, then finishes Flair with the RKO at 17:27. Sure, after Benoit already gave him a crossface and the Sharpshooter. Big man. ***
The Inside Pulse:
If you want a step-by-step primer on every desperate way possible to shove someone down the fans’ throats as a babyface superstar until they either cave in or turn on the guy completely, witness Randy Orton. He’s done sneak attacks from birthday cakes, come back from being knocked out to win a tag match single-handedly, spit in the face of the top heel, dropped a sledgehammer on the authority figure, you name it. Much like Lex Luger, if he DOESN’T manage to somehow get over and become a huge star, this is gonna destroy his career. Namely, they’d better rig the voting on Taboo Tuesday, because if the fans actually are allowed to vote, we’ll probably be seeing Chris Jericho in the main event instead, and I don’t think Vince would want that kind of embarrassment.
Another sucky show overall, as the good match had a terrible finish and everything else was either ridiculously short or such horribly written garbage that you’re embarrassed as a fan to be watching it. It’s amazing to me that this show was as good as it was just a few months back.
