Junk News, Huzzah!


I’m going to get to Junk News because I need to make fun of Kane’s baby dying in Lita’s womb (HILARIOUS), but before I do I have an idea.

On May 19th, 2003, the WWE superstars paid tribute to Ric Flair by throwing him a celebration in the ring after his match with Triple H. He didn’t win, he didn’t do anything particularly spectacular that night, but the life he led and the career he had was worthy of celebration to his peers that night. When I heard about it, I wished I could have been a part of it. I’m not saying I’m Ric Flair’s peer, I’m just saying that I wished I had a chance to let him know how much I respect him. I’m sure most wrestling fans feel the same way.

And now we have our chance.

Taboo Tuesday is NOT important. It is not life altering, it is not new or fantastic. We do not decide the outcome of the matches, it is still pre-determined. It doesn’t matter who we vote for to face Triple H, our choice most probably won’t win the belt. We could all vote for Chris Jericho to face Triple H for the World Title and elevate him back into the main event picture, but Jericho is doing fine with his shtick in the midcard. We could screw with Vince and pick Stephen Richards, but why screw around when we could do something great?

Greensville was the wrestlers’ tribute to Ric Flair. I say we make our tribute to him by voting him into the championship match with Triple H.

Shelton Benjamin will headline a PPV one day. So will Chris Jericho, Randy Orton, and Chris Benoit. Ric Flair will never headline a PPV again unless we give him this one. We can do this. I call on every website to join me on this. 1wrestling, pwtorch, 411, lordsofpain, wrestlingobserver, all of us, we showed how we could hurt the performers when we got Bradshaw fired from CNBC. Now let’s show them that we can do good.

I wasn’t particularly happy about his comments about Bret Hart or Mick Foley, but this isn’t about our feelings on backstage politics. This is about rewarding one of the greatest entertainers of our time. Ric Flair has given us so much. Readers, let’s give him one last PPV to headline. Other websites, please follow my lead. You don’t have to mention me or insidepulse by name. Just endorse Ric Flair for the main event on Taboo Tuesday.

Let’s do this for Ric. It’s the closest we’ll ever come to lifting him on our shoulders.

Junk News! Huzzah!

Kane’s baby died in Lita’s womb one week after Snitzsky (SNITZSKYYYYYYYY!) hit Kane with a chair, causing Kane to fall on his pregnant wife. We can only hope that Paul Bearer and Katie Vick are taking care of the baby in hell.

In an interview on Raw, Snitzsky (SNITZSKYYYYYYYYYY!) said it wasn’t his fault, then implied that he was hired to do a job and did it. Did someone hire Snitzsky (SNITZSKYYYYYYYYYY!) to kill the child in Lita’s womb? And did this great plan involve Snitzsky (SNITZSKYYYYYYYYY!) getting beating up for a few minutes first? God I love WWE booking.

The man behind the plan? Matt Hardy! As a puppet of Triple H.

Kane reacted surprising well to the news of his child’s death, crying and yelling no instead of waving his arms and setting the doctors on fire. That’s maturity.

This is all very upsetting for Verne Troyer, who was preparing to perform the role of Evil Baby.

My favorite part of the whole thing was when the doctors and nurses were rushing into the room, the door closed and we heard Kane screaming, “NOOOO! NOOOOO!” Then cut to commercials. Then we come back and JR says, “We don’t know what’s going on at the hospital”¦” I mean”¦ JESUS! What do you think happened, Kane got the wrong sandwich delivered? Stupid JR.

Also on Raw, Christy beat Carmella to win the Diva search. I’m telling you, bring back Lance Storm. Make her his valet. Just picture the contrast of pure energy and stony seriousness. Please bring back Lance Storm. I need material.

Christy celebrated by making goofy faces and pumping her arms a lot. Wait, no, she was taking a dump. My mistake.

Carmella took the news surprising well, only calling wrestling “stupid and gay” slightly more than she usually does.

I am so glad that Christy won. Really. It’s a major impact on my life. Seriously. Big stuff. Huge.

Flea Watched The PPV

I did a bit last week with Flea, but then I got distracted when my Sim suffered a crisis. Luckily she is now a proud promiscuous lesbian and Mayor of Sim City. Yay, right? Yay!

So here it is.

VPJG: I’d like to welcome my special guest Flea.

Ryder Fakin: HO! Hello GRUT!

VPJG: Hello Flea. How’re the hurricanes treating you?

Ryder Fakin: There’s a new one coming, Jeanne

VPJG: Another one? Jeez.

Ryder Fakin: Category One – 75 mph. I ain’t selling that

VPJG: That’s not a hurricane. That’s a fart in the wind.

Ryder Fakin: Ivan is going to New Orleans – that town needs an enema anyway

VPJG: It will cleanse the cesspool of the sinners. I understand that you watched the PPV on Sunday.

Ryder Fakin: Of course

VPJG: Ken Anderson watched it too. I think he called it an abomination against everything good.

Ryder Fakin: Who hired Anderson?

VPJG: Widro I think.

Ryder Fakin: I thought I was anointed the final say-so over writers

VPJG: Ken Anderson has been with the site for years.

Ryder Fakin: The same site that’s only been around for…

VPJG: You know what I mean. Anyway, he’s a decent guy and usually fairly positive, so I was a little surprised to see such amazing hatred. Did you get that feeling?

Ryder Fakin: I rated Anderson and I like him…I just should have been asked. Twins make me nervous…but allow me to welcome Ken Anderson!…so he shit on the PPV?

VPJG: Okay. Enough about Ken Anderson. What did you think of the PPV?

Ryder Fakin: I thought it was worth $36

VPJG: Well, let’s go through it match by match. Canengland vs. Ric Flair and Dave.

Ryder Fakin: Your attempt at whatever leaves me drunk. Who?

VPJG: Chris Benoit and Regal vs. Ric Flair and Batista jerk.

Ryder Fakin: Yeah – fun stuff…I love Flair selling and it’s not like Batista is going to. Regal’s “unorthodox offense” is better known as “boring” but Flair poking someone in the eye makes up for it

VPJG: What if that someone was you?

Ryder Fakin: I would sell for Flair like he stole my wallet. Anyone else, Fangol

VPJG: Fair enough. Trish vs. Victoria.

Ryder Fakin: You know who Al Roker is?

VPJG: Fat weather man, yes.

Ryder Fakin: Not anymore…skinny…and now he is on the road “finding America’s food”…he just asked a Redneck White Dude if he has a problem with him stealing recepies from “the Africans”… then he bitches at his 100 pound white daughter for cooking…then he eats her cooking and turns white…RAW can’t beat that…Roker on The Road!

VPJG: Wow. Al Roker is f*cking nuts.

Ryder Fakin: Trish vs. Victoria

VPJG: Yes. Dirty lesbians.

Ryder Fakin: One person was happy, but 8 minutes of it?

VPJG: Who was that one person?

Ryder Fakin: All that means is Hi-Rate jerked off 4 times


Ryder Fakin: That’s how you sell a joke Hyatte!

VPJG: So you didn’t enjoy it? How about the epic encounter after it between Richards and Tomko?

Ryder Fakin: Oh yeah – ha ha ha

VPJG: Did you like that? It seems to be the most universally rejected concept on the net.

Ryder Fakin: Hang on – I have a thought on this, but have to 1) type it and 2) go get a beer….Thanks for Your Patients. While I type, tell me why you like booze…and what kind

VPJG: Vodka. It dulls the senses. Kills the pain. I feel like I don’t really exist, like this private shame belongs to someone else. I’m the jokester. I’m funny. Those disapproving stares, they’ll turn to joy soon enough. Except when I’m alone. When I drink alone, I do it to be free of the voices of regret that live inside of me.

Ryder Fakin: Well, you are either going to kill yourself or make money. sweet that you only have two choices – FLEA ADVICE – drink Crown Royal. If you are going to drink alone, do it with class. ONTO THE MATCH! 7 years ago, Tyson vs. Stevie would have been five stars…I think I sawr the same match in ECW 500 times. Stevie even pulled out the “babyface comeback”, but instead of blading, he grabbed went for his bra. I like how people say “the crowd turned on the match”, when MSG WMXX Brock v Goldberg is the standard. Like the Muta scale, I’ll say the was .4 on the Brock / Goldberg scale

VPJG: Jericho vs. Christian. LADDER MATCH!

Ryder Fakin: Sucked

VPJG: I thought it would. Typical, eh? Be right back. Fill space.

Ryder Fakin: Notice how Xtian didn’t take ONE vicious back bump…everything was face first. His way of saying “f*ck you…out with a back injury? FUCK YOU!”
Ryder Fakin: Buy a house, smoke in it…salud…smoke em if you got em…yep
Ryder Fakin: While GRUT is away, how about a song?…nope…a joke!
Ryder Fakin: Man, I almost did Carnac….song would be better
Ryder Fakin: My boomerang won’t come back…my boomerang won’t come back
Ryder Fakin: I waved the thing all over the place…waved that thing alll over the place
Ryder Fakin: I’m a big disgrace to the Human Race
Ryder Fakin: My boomerang won’t come back
Ryder Fakin: YEE-HAWR!
Ryder Fakin: Hello! GRUT!

VPJG: Flea, listen to me. Listen to me like you never have before. I will do everything in my power to make sure your boomerang returns to you.

Ryder Fakin: Scrolling – ladder match sucked…next
Ryder Fakin: Awww….ain’t you a lawyer now?

VPJG: HBK vs. HBKane.

Ryder Fakin: I’m not your boy toy

VPJG: Did you see Raw? “It’ll be okay Lita! She’s my wife!” “SNITZSKYYYYYYYY!”

Ryder Fakin: Like I was expecting a baby

VPJG: What did you think of the match? I’ve read mixed reviews.

Ryder Fakin: I grew up on General Hospital. If that baby was born, he would have been WM Main Event

VPJG: Versus the ghost of Katie Vick.

Ryder Fakin: GRUT! HBK was rusty. Kane looks good with people that know what they are doing…good enough for me

VPJG: But not great? Just there?

Ryder Fakin: It would have been nice to have a buildup, but yeah – fine by me

VPJG: Good enough. French Guys vs. Rhyno and Tajiri.

Ryder Fakin: Ain’t we talked about that one? No?

VPJG: Did you like it?

Ryder Fakin: Didn’t watch that one, I guess

VPJG: Jesus. From your descriptions so far, you kind of liked two matches in the undercard.

Ryder Fakin: There ain’t no undercard on WWE PPV, that’s what people should know. Every match is a Main Event

VPJG: Yes. Richards vs. Tomko= Main Event. Orton vs. HHH. What did you think?

Ryder Fakin: Not good.

VPJG: Then how the hell was this worth 36 bucks?

Ryder Fakin: Cause I liked it and have the money to spend

VPJG: But you didn’t like it. You disliked most of the matches and the ones you liked you only sorta enjoyed.

Ryder Fakin: But I had already paid for it…damned if they are making me a sucka.

VPJG: Jeez man! Just because you pay for something doesn’t mean you have to like it. In fact, you’re kind of supposed to be angry if it sucks. It doesn’t make you a smark or a jerk. It makes you a paying customer who got short changed.

Ryder Fakin: No different than paying for smokes out of a cigarette machine – you know you getting f*cked, but thems the breaks

VPJG: Good point. Flea, thank you so much for joining us. Good luck with the storms.

Ryder Fakin: In other words – MY COLUMN IS MORE THAN YOUR NONSENSE