Okay before we start a confession-this has been a slightly crap week either emotionally in the first half due to me being a jerk or physically in the second due to me agreeing to work my only day off this week and being expected to do the work of two men despite not having the training of one. So basically I’m tired, my body aches (particularly my hands, which are all cut up) so I’m not looking to type a whole lotta words today. So instead I’m going to do some plugs, some quickes and then show you some drama sketches I’ve wrote over the past year, sounds good no?
P.S. I will do the Irish Peace Process bashing column soon, promise.
P.P.S No links at the moment for plugs because the time spent getting them has been spent getting my f*cking computer to work
Plug Section
You know what I want to do? Give a great big virtual hug to Lucard who had the horrible experience of being disappointed with Advance Guardian Heroes, the sequel to the legendary Saturn game. As I HUGE fan of the original I share his disappointing/anger/frustration that the legacy of perhaps the finest video game of all time (certainly of the post 16-bit generation) has been tarnished in such an unthinking and money grabbing way. Of course he’ll probably be too engrossed in Gradius V to notice me… but seriously read both reviews and try not to cry at the thought he’ll be stopping these soon.
Did I Think That Out Loud marks Jim’s departure from comics in what must be one of the most powerful and emotional columns in comics commentary. Thanks for the excellent reads Jim, it’s a shame that Marvel’s short sightedness and reversion to type has forced you to give up on comics… have you thought of trying 2000AD by any chance?
Iain Burnside’s on holiday (cue the ULTIMATE MARVEL NEWS AND VIEWS) so savour you last drop of Scottish goodness for three weeks with his interview Sean Mckeever and The Nexus debut of Words of Questionable Wisdom.
Quickies
This week has seen our third party, The Liberal Democrats (the British Party that Fred Barnes hates) have their annual conference amid snores of apathy and squeals of journalists forced to take them seriously. I find the whole party a joke, especially dude to their drunken, shambolic ginger of a leader Charlie Kennedy. Plus I hate the fact that BBC tries to give them and the Tories the same status by calling Lib Dem spokesmen “Shadow Ministers”; look there is only one Shadow Cabinet and that’s the one formed by the Leader of the Opposition and that sits opposite the Treasury Bench. If the Lib Dems want to form the Shadow Cabinet then they should get a leader who’s less focused on raiding the drink’s cabinet and win more seats.
That said an interesting tidbit arose from an interview with their “so excellent I’d shit myself out of fear if he had have been made their leader” foreign affairs spokesmen Ming Campbell who despite being ferociously anti-Iraq war and fanatically pro-Europe said that Kerry was mistaken to believe that France and Germany would offer any help and that the efforts of Bush and Blair with the newer resolutions had given them enough political cover to join in the reconstruction if they so wish. So there Kerry.
Speaking of Dukais ’04, hands up whose surprised that just as Iraq is going tits up again he suddenly comes out strongly against it, just as when in August it seemed to be going pretty good he came out strongly in favour of it. Tell you what; all things being equal Kerry will be slaughtered in the debates as Bush details Kerry’s negotiations with himself… heh, heh. Btw, from what I caught of his speech on Monday (flicking between that and the music channels) it was just the type of inane, sub-Howard Dean nonsense that Kerry trots out when he gets desperate.
So Bush got a downbeat reception from the UN General Assembly for liberating two countries from tyrannical regimes whilst Kofi Annan who stood back and allowed genocide in Rwanda and seems determined to do the same in the Sudan gets a rapturous applause. Why any sane, rational and intelligent person can believe the UN is anything or could ever be anything more than a Bismarckian Council of Europe writ large is beyond me. The simple fact of the matter is that global peace is and always has and will guaranteed by the existence of a benevolent Great Power that exercises limited hegemony i.e. Rome, Britain and now America. And if you think that’s rightist bullshit then I suggest you take a look at the Sudan where America is doing exactly what the left said they should have over Iraq to absolutely no effect. As for Bus’s speech, well it was the same sort of pan-American, quasi Imperialist rhetoric that Bush sometimes uses that and usually tempts me into supporting his middle eastern adventures but today the disconnect between the words and the amount of evidence that the American public have no stomach for such a project is too wide for it too work.
Hey, me and Eric are both fans of Russian President Putin! Of course I support Putin because his dictatorial nature and stance as shown by the arrest of leading liberal business men, silencing of the press (including in the aftermath of Beslan the firing and poisoning of two journalists) and his recent decision to scrap the directly elected regional governors in place of his own appointees ties in with my belief that the Russians want and need a tyrant like their dear old Tsars and General Secretaries. Wonder what Eric’s excuse is?
(Btw, the fact that Georgia (the country not the state) has been implicated in the terrorist attacks means that Eric may have been a bit optimistic in saying that they’ll be no foreign intervention by Russia on the back of Beslan.
Finally, last Thursday saw pitched battles between police and pro-fox hunting (the quaint sport of chasing a fox with bloodhounds and tearing it to shreds) protesters outside Parliament whilst some actually managed to get inside the House of Commons Chamber… and… well… that’s it. Cue two predictable reactions, that it was a shocking and worrying sight to see the Upper Classes and other traditional law abiding members of the rural middle classes brutalised by the police in such a manner and two that OH MY GOD WHAT IF THOSE FIVE WHITE ENGLISH MEN HAD HAVE BEEN Al QUEADA!!! THE 20 MPS THAT WERE IN THE CHAMBER WOULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!!! The first is a sensible reaction and is one I will return to, the second is as Peter Hitchens said worthy of the “national bedwetters brigade”.
As for the bill itself, I dislike it immensely. The fact is that foxes are vermin that’ll be killed anyway so why not let country folk have their fun? The fact that the Parliament Act (the forcing through of a bill by the elected House of Commons after a period of opposition by the unelected House of Lords) is disgraceful and along with the Queen ready to give if Royal Assent shows that the (unwritten) British Constitution no longer works.
The Plays
It will not surprise you to learn that I was a Drama Student for four years, less that for my final year I was the only lad in my whole year to take it. One of the things I got fairly good at towards the end is writing scripts and the five I’m about to show you are some of the ones I liked the best. The first three are metaphorical ones I did in theology:
Take A Sip
Ritschl was a German protestant theologian who rallied against the dogma of the Catholic Church with such believes as scripture not being absolutely true, the importance of scripture and the role of the individual’s role in the interpretation of scripture. The play itself is a riff of Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf, as shown especially by the ending. Funnily enough, the ending was scrapped by the other cast members as they were worried whether people would get it, to which I replied “who f*cking cares?”
There is a group of five people in a living laughing and drinking. Ritschl stands up and goes to the bar. Jenny turns to him…
Mel: So Ritschl what do you think of the state of the faith?
There are exasperated moans all round. Ashley who is sitting next to her to turns and says
Ashley: “Ah your joking man, don’t get him talking about yer church, he’ll be talking about it all bleeding night man”
Ritschl has just finished pouring himself a drink he walks back into the centre and stands.
Ritschl: Don’t worry old chum I won’t speak long although seeing as a lady asked my opinion it would be rude to ignore.
Ritschl sits down as Ashley gets up to the bar.
Ashley: I don’t believe this…
Ritschl: Well now (turns to Mel) I quite frankly think that the church is in quite horrible state. I mean lets face it its been battered by the Enlightenment. With everyone know valuing science and reason and even worse disproving many of the biblical events things look very grim. (He stands up). To be honest unless something is done this could be the death of the lot of us.
Mel: Well what should we do… ?
Ashley: Yer do tell you big ponce. What should be done to save the church?
Ritschl: Well as I a ponce to an ignoramus let me tell you not what our beloved Pope is doing. We cannot ignore the modern world. Just standing like Canute at the feet of the waves and shouting the old disproved dogmas ever louder is no answer to the question posed.
Mel: What’s the question?
Ritschl: The question is first and foremost “what is the Bible?” Now I know what you’re saying it’s an account of the involvement of God in this Earth. And yes that has hitherto been the case (sits down next to Mel) but no longer. You see if you want to take the Bible, as a historical interpretation of God’s actions then it must historical be correct.
Anna: But it is, isn’t?
Ritschl: Alas no, events have already been disproved or they will be disproved in the future.
Ashley: I always knew it was a load of bol… .
Ritschl walks across to Ashley.
Ritschl: That’s not what I meant! The Bible is not rubbish it is still very valuable. It is my belief that the Bible was never a historical text but is instead a book messages from God to us. The writers of the Bible may have got the odd fact wrong or even the odd fable because they wanted to bring across a message that they have received from God. That message has been lost in the midst of Adam and Eve’s honeymoon as we all treat scripture as journalism. Unless we separate the true meaning from the questionable historical events then we will loose both.
Ashley: Damn! I knew if you got going you’d sober me up.
Jenny: That’s all very good Ritschl but you don’t answer the main problem with modern Christianity.
Ritschl: I don’t? Well tell me what the problem and I’ll solve or better yet hear your solution.
Jenny: You know how this the great era of liberalism, lassez faire and all that? (Everyone nods). You know how you can think what you like (as long as your middle class), say what you like (as long as your middle class) and do what you like (as long as your middle class)? Well in the midst of such freedom and reform what is the church doing? Only declaring that the Pope is infallible when it comes to scripture! Only declaring that what he says goes and it doesn’t matter if I or anyone else disagrees because HE’S THE POPE AND HE’S ALWAYS RIGHT!!! I mean where’s the freedom in that? I’m smart, I read, I think for myself yet can I speak to God or interpret scripture can I hell! That Ritschl is the main problem with Christianity today-no individual freedom.
Mel: I agree! There’s no freedom, its disgraceful and its so hypocritical of the Pope to deny us the right to through pray and reading scripture come to our own understanding whilst forcing his own which is formed in no different way than we would form our own.
Ritschl: I am sorry how could I have forgotten our dear friend’s Pius X (or is it IX I can’t remember and won’t look it up) power grab? You see I am protestant so we are allowed to interpret the Bible as we see fit without the Pope as our stern headmaster. But yes your quite right, personal freedom and interpretation must be allowed if the Church is to prosper.
Jenny: Also we must stop putting all our eggs in one basket! We can’t keep going about just scripture we need other things at the centre of our worship and faith.
Ritschl: I agree we must have more theories inspired by God I’m board of having to use Aquinas’s reheated versions of Aristotelian thought. What we must do is centre our ethical theories on heaven-what does it take to get there.
Ashley: You know what my problem with the Church is? It’s not practical! It says nothing to do with my life? All it does is speculate it’s pointless.
Mel: Well you can’t expect the Bible to talk about sport and kebabs.
Jenny: No leave him alone he’s got a point. If the church is to survive we must make it more relevant to how people live.
Ritschl: I can’t agree more. For too long we have looked at the miracles in scripture as party tricks performed by the Trinity. They are not, they have meaning and they are done to reveal that meaning. That meaning will be a piece of moral guidance that will be perfectly relevant to our lives but our obsession with the events described has masked that meaning.
(Notices Anna hasn’t said anything goes to her)
You haven’t said anything my dear… not sulking are you?
Anna: No I’m thinking.
Ritschl: Think? Why are you thinking so quietly? Come on if your thought be the solving of our questions then do not keep them to yourself as that would be a very wicked… thing to do. SPEAK!
Anna: Very well. You say we should accept the mood of the times, does that mean we humans are not sinful creatures?
Jenny (leaps from her chair): Of course it does! I can’t stand it when the likes of you try to belittle us. We were designed in God’s image now sure we’re nowhere near as perfect as He is but we’re still pretty damn good.
Ritschl: I’d agree with Jenny. I think its best if with concentrate on what we have in common with God, the continuity (if you will) we have with our creator than stress the differences. This is especially true of Jesus who had many human traits.
Anna: Then you are making the creator and especially his son Jesus Christ less special. Indeed you making Christ seem nothing more than the ideal human.
Ritschl: I suppose I am yet whatever we may think it is not our to question why but to evangelise. If Christianity is to survive and remember I’m a protestant not a Catholic then we must do and say things that would have excommunicated ourselves centuries hence and not do and say things that would have had us beatified. That is not because we are afraid of the truth and unable to maintain but because that truth was misunderstood in the first place. For our message to be heard we must always evaluate it and consider new evidence and there has been evidence that disproves the idea that the Bible is historical fact and that means we must rethink what the Bible means to us and from that flows all you heard tonight. (Anna leaves) Where you going? Ah going to stick your head in the sand? Yeah you do that!
(He looks at the others he then begins to sign with the others joining in)
Sings : Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Virginia Woolf
Virginia Woolf
Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Anna walks back in the singing stops.
Anna: Who’s… afraid of… Virginia Woolf?
Ritschl: You are!
All Souled Out
One of the central questions of theology is “what is the soul” a question this sketch tries to take the piss out of with the views of Aristotle, Plato, Richard Dawkins and John Hick being represented by hideous caricatures. I had a lot of fun writing this and I think it shows, with a more inventive and old-ball approach taking to tackling the issue as opposed to the rather traditional and linear approach of Take A Sip. This also confirms my mate Ashley Denny (the infamous Mong of my football columns) as my muse as I once again have the most fun utilizing his skill at hilariously bad accents (he plays Aristotle).
The scene is a fairground with Plato’s stall in the centre. He and his beautiful assistant John Hick are working the crowd…
Plato: Ladies and gentlemen roll up and feast your eyes on the eighth wonder of the world, a man’s soul (put a can of beer on the table to represent the soul). Now I am sure you wondering just what the soul is, well let me tell you. The soul is your better half; it is the side of the man that is not slovenly, not leering at every passing woman and not eating his way to obesity. The soul is the side of us that yearns to know the highest truths, the side that allows us to know these truths. Don’t you agree (to John Hick)?
John Hick: I don’t actually.
Plato: What!?!
John Hick: I’m sorry baby but I just don’t think that way. You see what you talking about is that we have these two sides to our nature…
Plato: Why of course I am and this is the tru…
John Hick: But it’s not sweet heart. Look when you married me did you just consider my intellect or only my body? (nervous pause)Of course you didn’t you looked at the complete whole of me because I am a single entity.
Plato: Look baby I’m not going to tolerate any more of this from you.
John Hick goes to protest but Plato shushes her
Plato: Now I now what you wondering when did the soul exist and when does it die? Well here is the answer – the soul is immortal. It existed before the body and will exist after the body…
Aristotle: Oh, hold the phone grandpa that is like totally false!
Plato: EH?
Aristotle: I mean who is the guy? The “soul is immortal, BLAH! BLAH!” I mean HELLO?
Plato: Well do you have a better idea?
Aristotle: Sure thing Gramps. The soul was born with the body; cause is so like the body’s animator.
Plato: No it’s not! The soul is the thing inside of us that can experience the absolute truths…
Aristotle: Oh because there so not like, all around us… D’UH. No you can take this the bank the soul is the thing that gives life to all living creatures.
John Hick: Even animals and plants?
Aristotle: Of course sister, from the lowest to the highest. All living things have soul it’s just that some living things have more soul than others.
Plato: Ladies and gentlemen please do not listen to this charlatan. (turn to Aristotle) Do you mean to tell us that we human beings leave no legacy… that nothing that is a part of us survives death?
Aristotle: Of course not that would be so WHATEVER!?! I think that part of the soul that allows humans to think survives the final curtain call!
Dawkins: Well then sir you are an ASS! I have had to put up with you morons just babble on about your precious souls. THERE ARE NO SOULS! NOT A SINGLE ONE! EVER!!! You intellectual cowards how created the “soul” as a security blanket…
Plato (depressed): Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the killjoy. Give the killjoy a round of applause. Oh killjoy, if you are right and we are wrong what goes in place of our dear souls.
Dawkins: My dear sir in place of your fraudulent concept of the soul I would place our genes (holds up a pair of jeans). You see in our genes everything about us is sown; our hair and eye colour, our like and dislikes, our gender and sexual determination, etc. It is here that you find everything you need to know about humans and its only threads from here passed through the generations that survive the death of an individual.
John Hick: Where does God fit into this theory, handsome?
Dawkins: Same place as Santa Claus, the Easter Rabbit and Cliff Richard. (Hick looks confused) Nowhere you simple-minded fool! GOD DOES NOT FIT INTO THIS THEORY, AS HE DOES NOT EXIST!!!
John Hick: But he does exist, he does.
Plato: Wait a minute baby! A minute ago you were saying we have no souls yet now your saying that God exists. The two don’t swing!
John Hick: Look what I meant earlier is that we are a whole. You can’t take away our thoughts and emotions from our body, they’re a package. I do believe in God, I believe in the afterlife.
Richard Dawkins: Stupid girl! Don’t you know that to believe in the Christian afterlife you must also believe in the soul?
John Hick: Look Sugar, I believe like all Christians that the real us goes onto the afterlife. However the real us must have both the body and our emotions because it is both of them that makes us, us.
Aristotle: But you cannot go onto the afterlife without the body dying. So how does your physical body go to the afterlife?
John Hick: I believe that God recreates us (body and all) and places us heaven.
Plato: But surely that will be a replica not you?
John Hick: Look what’s the difference? If it has the same emotions, the same memories and the same body then it is the same.
Plato: You coarse, vulgar, destruction creature. You disrupt my show and come up with this. You worship the disgusting physical body that you so shameless exhibit in front of these leering fools! The physical body and its constant need to be pampered stops the soul from experiencing the absolute truths. It is a cave where the soul is chained and blindfolded. The soul is the truth, the body is just illusion.
Aristotle: That is SO not true! The soul is what allows us to interact with the world.
John Hick: We cannot be who we are without our bodies.
Dawkins: The stitching of our bodies is what determines who we are.
Plato stays at the other three.
Plato: Screw it I’m having a drink (takes the can and leaves).
The Strange Death Of Go-Go Las Vegas Show Girls
As I went to a Catholic School we were asked to consider what exactly is conscience and if it’s God speaking to us how does this communication work. This is my barmy answer to it as the Grand Vizier conducts an interrogation of three terrorists who blew up his favourite strip joint Go-Go Las Vegas Show Girls. The terrorists represent 19th Century Catholic theologian Cardinal Newman who preached that the individual should stick to his own conscience and feels them through feelings of guilt and shame, Augustine who preached that God spoke directly to us through our heart and Aquinas who believed it came from our innate abilities. Also hidden is Freud who believed that conscience was the result of the conflict between our internal desires and external constraints.
This is perhaps my favourite of these first three as its completely wild and self-indulgent full of little in jokes to amuse me such as the bi King obsessing about going to my favourite gay bar, the terrorists blowing up a strip joint that Mong is desperate to go in, my sideswipe at the reformed hellraiser St. Augustine and hints at the true identity of God. Best of all there’s a delicious and intelligent pun surrounding Jocasta… however if the ending’s a bit crap its because its tacked on as I’ve lost the original
The King is trying on a new robe in the mirror when his Grand Vizier enters…
Grand Vizier: (coughs)
King: Oh what is it now? Can’t you see I’m busy?
Grand Vizier: Oh of course your majesty but I think you may want to hear… (notices that the king isn’t paying attention)… excuse me your majesty.
King (obsessed with himself in the mirror): Oh yes, yes hurry up you know I hit the town every Thursday night with the lads…
Grand Vizier: Ah yes so you do, what will be this week the RnD?
King: Did you have a point you I am just paying you to waste my time.
Grand Vizier: Oh of course not your majesty… I mean paying me to waste your time, that is. As for my point, well I have some good news. You know those terrorists that we arrested last week. Well they’ve finally cracked…
King: You mean you know who point them up to it?
Grand Vizier: Exactly your majesty.
King: Oh wonderful, wonderful wait till the gang here about this… Er who is the ringleader.
Grand Vizier: Someone called God, your majesty. Now the trouble is we’ve no real idea who this God is nor do we know how he communicated to the terrorists…
King (nearly crying): That he wanted Go Go Las Vegas Showgirls blown up (burst into tears).
Grand Vizier: There, there your majesty. I want to interrogate them further see if we can find out exactly how this “God” character told them to (pause) do what they did.
King (see uncomposed): You, you do that.
There are four chairs arranged in a cross, with the chairs having their backs to one another. Each chair represents the cell of one the prisoners. Whilst seated the prisoners will not make contact with each other as there is “actual” a wall between them. The Grand Vizier is walking around the cross whilst interrogating them…
Grand Vizier: We know all about your little game you nobodies. Your organisation is in ruins, its aims defeated. Even know as we speak two new strip joints are being built to replace the one you destroyed. All your struggle has been for nothing, and your plight will get much, much worse very, very soon if your not careful. Last time we spoke one of you got smart and told me that it was God who told you to carry out the bombing. Now I’m hoping that one of you will again and tell how this God communicates with you…
No answer from prisoners
Well… we’ll just have to do it the hard way. (Goes to Newman) It was you who buckled last time maybe you’d like to do so again and gain even more privileges…
Newman: Oh please don’t tempt me again. I was weak back then, I was a damned, selfish fool. Do you know how awful I’ve felt all week, how ashamed I’ve been? Every waking hour I can feel him in my inside, hissing at me, telling me how I’d done wrong, how I’d been weak… how I betrayed him.
Grand Vizier: What’s that? Betrayed who? Is he God? Answer me dammit or I’ll give you something to cry about!
Newman: Oh no, no don’t make me tell you more. I’ve told you too much already. Please, please leave me alone, I can’t bear the shame.
Grand Vizier: Tough, how do you know what you’ve done is wrong.
Newman: I just do, I just do.
Grand Vizier: Is the pain your feeling your evidence?
Newman: No, no that just shows that he’s mad at me… ARRRRGHHHH!
Grand Vizier: Who’s mad at you? God? And if you got no evidence, how do you know anything?
Newman: (silent)
Grand Vizier: Tell me (kicks him)
Newman: Not all questions need evidence to answer them (oh god); you have the ability to answer them within yourself.
Grand Vizier: And that’s how he talks to you?
Newman: Oh forgive me, forgive me. No, he communicates when you do something wrong by making you feel ashamed.
Grand Vizier: What the hell are you on.
Goes to Augustine.
You know of all the people I would never have expected to blow up a strip joint it would be you flash.
Augustine: Ah don’t throw that at me G.V, I’m a reformed cat now.
Grand Vizier: Oh rubbish, it was only like yesterday when the only thing longer than the lines of coke you did was the queue to see you on Fathe’s Day.
Augustine: Don’t remind me about it G.V that was some sweet sinning, yeah!
Grand Vizier: Come on Flash level with me. I’ve known you for a long time; you would never have blown up a strip joint. What the hell has this God jerk done to you?
Augustine: Who the hell told you about my Tooty Fruity?
Grand Vizier: That damn limey back there… now answer my question Flash, or else.
Augustine: Whoa have mercy there, seeing as the cat has been and truly let out the bag I may as well level with you like the commandments say. Now big G.V you got understand the life your leading may be pretty fine and dandy but its wrong. You see my Tooty Fruity came up to my and told to put my life together…
Grand Vizier: Yes but how did he tell you…
Augustine: (points finger at Grand Vizie’s heart) He reach there G.V, he spoke to me through my heart and told me what was right and what was wrong. When you get that message, there’s only one thing you can do… obey.
Grand Vizier: No man can talk through your heart, you raving loon.
Augustine (shouting): Who said anything about being a man G.V? This hip cat is way beyond you and I my main man. He’s something else entirely, something better.
Grand Vizier walks to Aquinas who is sitting crossed leg with a cat on its lap.
Aquinas: Ah, I’ve been expecting you.
Grand Vizier: So you’re the last one, No doubt your crazy as well.
Aquinas: HA! I don’t that, I’m sure you’ll find me perfectly reasonable. I’m of course willing to answer all your questions.
Grand Vizier: Well… good, that’s what your blood well meant to do.
Aquinas: Yes, that’s what I thought. I always like to be reasonable me. You?
Grand Vizier: Who told you to blow Go Go Las Vegas Showgirls?
Aquinas: No one did, I decided it would be the right thing to do all by myself.
Grand Vizier: But Newman said that a man name God put him to it. Augustine said that he spoke directly to him…
Aquinas: No, no that is quite incorrect… you see he is my teacher and mentor. It was he that gave me my morals, taught me a desire to seek out good and the ability to use my mind to decide what I want to do.
Grand Vizier: So by using these abilities you decided to blow the Go Go Las Vegas Showgirls?
Aquinas: Yes that’s about it. Did you have any more questions?
Grand Vizier: Er one more…
Another guard comes down to deliver.
Guard: Er excuse me sir, Jocasta just rang asking you to ring her back.
The prisoners hiss that “she’s a devil women”
(They walk to the phone)
Guard: So how’s the interrogation going sir?
Grand Vizier: Not well at all. It seems our Mr. Big gave orders to one of them by I guess altering his mood, directly to the other and let the other guess with the abilities he had given him… Excuse me.
Jocasta: Hi honey, how long will you be before your home?
Grand Vizier: Oh some time yet sweetie, the prisoners won’t give me a straight answer as to how their boss put them up to it…
Jocasta: Oh baby, you’re so naïve. Can’t you see it?
Grand Vizier: See what?
Jocasta: There’s no Mr. Big except for their dick… they’re just using him as an excuse for being freaked out about getting freaky…
Grand Vizier: Don’t be ridiculous sweetie; these men didn’t blow up a strip up joint because they’re sexual…
(The Grand Vizier drops the phone aghast… )
Cat Got Your Tongue?
Moving away from Theology we have two short sketches on a subject close to my heart-homosexuality. The first is one I’m very proud and it’s the most recent one I’ve written. This was written for performance to local civic leaders and is an attempt to advertise my local gay youth group, showing what it does and why it was worthy of their support. It’s a pretty simple story and yes some of this is semi-autobiographical. This also shows how much of an influence my Drama Teacher (and former theatre director and current play writer) Ed Applewhite has been with the mix of light comedic moments and more emotional material
(We start with a bare stage with three characters on stage. One (Dan) is at the front of the stage with his back to the audience whilst the other two are confronting him.)
Billy: Hello there Dan isn’t? You hang round with my brother? So how are you feeling today?
Adriana: He’s feeling fine you can see that in that lovely smile of his!
Billy: You know babe, you’re as ever right. He has got a lovely smile hasn’t he?
Adriana: Such a pretty little smile.
Billy: Which goes so well with his charming bag …
Adriana: … his danty little walk…
Billy: … his gorgeous Nike trainers…
Adriana: … his lovely hair…
Billy: Indeed babe this guy puts your old ape-man to shame. Our friend here isn’t like other blokes are you now? You do drama, you have feelings, you’re sooo sensitive…
Adriana: You dirty fag!
Billy: Well that’s what they say indeed. So how does that make you feel mate?
Knowing that people are going round calling you a faggot. Not me of course, but well you know…
Adriana: What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?
Billy: I think our mate’s pleading fifth, doesn’t want to incriminate himself. Ain’t that right?
Pause-Billy nods to Adriana. She strikes Dan down
Billy: Get him Adriana! Get him! Keep on him!
Adriana beats Dan down until all the fights gone, he then pulls him up to his feet and holds him whilst Billy speaks to him (Adriana/Dan have their backs to the audience).
Billy: This is nothing personal mate I just can’t stand stinking shirtlifters (delivers big right to Dan which knock him back to the ground). Stay away from my brother!
Adriana and Billy exit right. Dan is left lying in the middle of the stage.
Black Out
Dan is sitting on a chair in the bottom left corner of the stage with his back to the audience. He’s slouched like a boxer in between rounds. Christina (Chris) enters from the back of the stage.
Chris: He used to be such a lively, happy go lucky lad. I remember when we left primary school they put on a disco and I was his date. We had such a laugh just dancing to a load of god awful, cheesy songs. He was always a shy lad but he could if you got to know him he could be such a laugh…
She bends over to try to tidy Dan up…
Are we still going out? No we’re not… he was never really one for the girls. At first I thought it was just his shyness again but he really didn’t seem interested in them. Whatsoever! Then there was James. Dan loved James. He wouldn’t tell anyone, not even me but you just had to see how he acted round him and you knew. Then the rumours started, quickly followed by the names and then James’ brother found out. Well as you can see Dan didn’t stand a chance… James wouldn’t, couldn’t speak to him anymore. He’s lost now, I wish he’ll just talk to me and let me help him.
(Black Out
Dan is lying on a bed towards the back of the stage. Dan’s sister Alex and Chris are sitting on chairs at the front of the stage.
Lights Up)
Alex: He’s been like this for days. He came in a few days ago bawling his eyes out, waving his arms like Daffy Duck saying “leave me alone, leave me alone” and then went into here and slammed the door. The big baby!
Chris: You know how hard a time he’s having…
Alex: But he won’t let anyone help him, I try to sit him down and talk things through with him but he just explodes, says I’m just like all the others.
Chris: What did you say?
Alex: Well what can I say? That I know he’s queer? That I’ve seen the mags he thought he’d hidden ever so well? That judging from those he’s got no taste in men…
Chris: Don’t get on at him…
Alex: Look he’s my little brother, I want him to be happy, I really do. Look at the stuff I dug out for him (passes Chris a card).
Chris: What is it?
Alex: Oh it’s this gay youth group thing… er First Out. I think. I’ve got a friend who goes there, like every Thursday 7-9.30 and it seems a great place and I really want him to go but he only ever has hissy fits when I bring it up.
Chris: I’ll speak to him.
(Black out.
There’s Chris and Dan walking round trying to find directions.
Light’s Up)
Chris: Yeah we finally convinced him to go. He’s a bit nervous, so you’ll have to excuse him for not speaking. I’ve gotta hand it to Alex, this place does sound just the ticket for Adam, I mean if we ignore the (whispers) gay thing (normal voice) there’s no alcohol, no drugs, no smoking it’s just the environment for him to get his head together. Plus it’s completely confidential so he won’t have to worry on that score.
(Continue to look around… )
What are we’re doing now? Well I don’t really want to say it but I think we’re lost. I don’t how we can have gotten lost, I mean I’ve got the map here with 15 Wellington Street marked out (that’s where it is by the way) but I guess map reading skills aren’t high when you’ve got a puff and a girl together. And its not like we can exactly ask for directions, I got a funny enough look when I asked for the map… Oh screw it, I’ll have to ring them up and ask for help.
(passes bag to Dan. Gets phone out)
Can you hold that Dan. Okay 0.1.1.6.2.5.4.7.4.1.2… (its ringing) er hello, I’m with someone who would like to join your youth group and I was wondering whether you could help…
(Black Out)
Chris: Bye sweetie, I’ll meet you here at 9.30
There are three characters on screen; Adam has his back to the audience whilst the two others (two helpers 1 male, 1 female) are facing him.
Lights Up
(Helper dialogue is generic guidelines only-imbue it with your own personality)
Helper 1: Well hello, my name’s (insert names) and we’re just going show you round. Now you know all about the rules don’t you? No drugs or Alcohol…
Helper 2: Everything that goes on here is confidential.
Helper 1: You must respect others, this is a refugee for people. Don’t want anyone being made uncomfortable by other people’s stupidity…
Helper 2: And most of all be yourself. Now this here is the sitting room. If you feel you want to just chill out, smoke then you can come down here.
Helper 1: Now if we got up these stairs, okay here have where the Youth Group meets. There’s two sofas and some mags for you to read if you so wish, there’s our office over there with a computer which you free to use, there’s a CD player-feel free to bring your own CDs.
Helper 2: If you come through here this is like our conference room, there’s a TV, a video, a Playstation oh and a Karaoke machine.
Helper 1: Also here and the office are used for one-to-ones where you basically just have chat with one of us helpers about something that’s getting you down, making you nervous-all completely confidential of course. Now through here is the kitchen, we’ve got a kettle, coffee, tea, milk, biscuits that you’re more than welcome to use
Helper 2: Make sure to wash your cups though.
Helper 1: Er thanks for that, and through there is the toilet and that’s it for the building. Do you want to mention about Outreach?
Helper 2: Oh yes! What we sometimes do is that we take the older members out around the scene and we just say stuff about the group offer them safe-sex advice and help. That sort of thing…
Helper 1: We’ve also been working on guides to the scene and coming out plus ever year we got on a weekend trip as a group, which are always a laugh.
Pause.
Helper 1: Don’t think there’s anything else. Any questions? No. Well we meet every Thursday 7-9.30 as you obviously know we also meet the first Saturday of every month 1am-4pm. But if you ever need any help then call us you obviously have our number or drop in. Now shall we go through there and join up with the others?
(Black Out
A selection is shown of photos of “Dan” enjoying himself at the group.
End of photos
Lights Up)
Dan: I’ve had a great time going to First Out, the helpers are friendly, laidback and helpful. I’ve made some really good friends who have helped me come to terms with who I am. It’s may sound silly but the little activities that we do have really help me come out of my shell and shown just what is out there for lesbian, gay and bi-sexual people today. However, the thing I love most about it is that it’s a place where I can be who I actually I’m. I don’t have to watch ever word I say, ever glance I give, ever judgement I pass for fear that I’ll expose myself. This is the first place I’ve been out and that means everything to me.
(Fade Out
Picture of First Out Logo with caption: Giving Young Lesbians, Gays and Bi-Sexuals Their Voice!
End)
The Shuffle
If I was ever to put together my top 10 favourite pieces of writing this would be up near the very top as I achieved almost everything I wanted to even despite working within quite narrow confines. Okay this was a drama A-Level exercise last October where we were meant to construct a scene using themes and lines of dialogue that we were given in a bag. We didn’t have to use all or just them but we had to use some. Now I was meant to miss this exercise as I had been absent from the lesson at a homophobic bullying awareness course, but girls being girls they had ran over so I was faced with the choice of skipping two lessons or writing a monologue. Now despite most of the homophobic bullying awareness course being excellent there was one thing that really got my back up and that was a drama scene performed by a neighbouring school, which was not only badly performed but had a very dodgy subtext. Here’s what I said about it in a letter to the conference organisers:
“If I were to select one part of the day that was poor it would be the Theatre in Education piece that Burleigh Community College performed. Whilst it was performed with passion and energy, the message it sent out was wrong and offensive. By having the girl’s life be ruined by the allegation of homosexuality and then for it to only get better when the allegation is comprehensively refuted shows homosexuality in a purely negative light. The casting of the class “nerd” as the homosexual furthered this negative portrayal of homosexuality by restating the association of unpopularity and weirdness with homosexuality. I was not alone in this assessment, as it was an assessment that the other people I attended the conference with shared.
What also harmed the drama piece was the omission of the positive side of being LGB. Whilst I of course acknowledge that coming to terms with your sexuality is a hard process and usually makes your life more complicated in terms of identity, relationship with friends and family. However, the process of accepting your sexuality causes you to grow as a person and in doing so become a better person.
The fact that the piece featured no LGB characters (indeed it went to great lengths to emphasise that the lead character was in no way a lesbian or bisexual) meant that this side of accepting your sexuality could not be included at all. Whilst I understand that you wanted to emphasise the fact that homophobic bullying can and does effect non-LGB children, I feel that only by featuring LGB characters could you fully address all the issues and stop the drama presenting homosexuality as an insult. By featuring only heterosexual characters and (presumably) performers it made the piece very heterosexual-centric, with its fundamental basis being heterosexual perceptions of homosexuality, which are often fearful and negative.
I would urge you to get current or former LGB students (open or closeted), in particular drama students, to engage with the school staff preparing the drama piece. This will hopefully overcome the problem highlighted by the teacher in charge; namely that she felt unable to feature LGB characters due to having not gone through their experiences herself.”
And it was this spirit that motivated me to write and perform this story, something that was bloody brave/reckless of me considering I was still closeted at that time. I wanted to show the whole arc of coming to terms with your sexuality by not sugar-coating the horrible, scary bits but also including the good bits, the bits where you’ve accepted yourself for who you are actually. In addition I wanted to do it in a way that was different and didactic, partly because I’m an arty bastard when I want to be and also because if I delivered the conventional monologue of the power I knew I could write then no one would be in any doubt. I think this fear caused me to not perform it properly and I’m desperate for an opportunity to perform it again properly. As it were some actually took it to have a religious meaning although those who got the correct meaning certainly gave me some dodgy looks. Enjoy
There is a chair in the middle of the stage
I am sitting in it, talking direct to the audience.
I have something to tell you…
It’s about me…
I just want someone to understand.
(Black Out.
Chair placed on the right of the stage.
Light’s up.)
I’d hate you if you existed.
I’d hate myself if you existed.
They’d hate us if you existed.
It’s a good job you don’t exist then.
Isn’t it?
(Black Out.
Blank Stage.)
NOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Light’s up/
NOOOOOOOOO!)
Get away from me. I want nothing to do with you!
(Black Out.
There is a table with a chair either end.
Light’s up.
I walk in I sit down at the right side of the table.)
I’ve came to talk about us.
We’re going to kill each other you know. You might kill me or I might kill you.
Of course knowing you, you won’t have me killed direct will you?
No, no you’re too smart for that. You’ll just line them up to do it for you.
My parents, my brother, my friends. You’ll get them all to do your dirty work.
I am talking to you. I don’t want you. I don’t need you. I was happy without you. Just go.
Just go.
Please.
I’m begging you.
Leave me.
I can’t cope, I can’t.
(Black Out.
There is a small table with toiletries on at the centre of the stage.
I am having a wash using the fourth wall as a mirror.
Light’s up.)
This is probably the worst it’s been.
The noise… always the noise.
It’s never been a problem before.
He’s never been a problem before.
You’re a bad influence.
Why are you always with me? Why can’t you just go?
You think I’m going to surrender to you? Well I’m not… I have a mind and I decide.
I decide.
(Black Out
Empty Stage.
I am sat in the middle.
Light’s up. )
Oh God. It’s not my choice is it? I never had a choice did I? He was always going to win wasn’t he?
Why didn’t you tell me?
Why wasn’t I warned?
Why did you do this to me?
I hate you! I hate you!
Please don’t leave me.
Please save me.
Please… please… please… please
I get up and talk direct to the audience.
He never did.
I miss him so much. I hurt so much. He hurt me.
(I get up and genuflect)
I don’t think I’ll stay.
I’m no longer welcome.
(A table in the middle of the stage with a chair either end.
Light’s up.
I walk in I sit down. I deal a set of cards.)
You won’t leave me will you?
You win. I fold.
(I fold my hand and walk across and sit in the other chair.)
We are one now.
How does it feel? I don’t know, I don’t know.
I just don’t know.
(Black Out
Empty Stage
Light’s up.)
I can’t believe I’m doing this.
I can’t believe I’m actually going to tell them.
I can’t believe I don’t feel sorry for what I’m going to say.
(Walk across the stage.)
I’ve got something to tell you…
I know your not going to like it…
But this is me…
… And I’m happy.
(Black Out
There are two tables on the right side of the stage.
I am standing by them.
Lights Up)
Hi, Are you still coming over tonight?
Oh great, everyone’s looking forward to seeing you.
You’ll never guess what I’ve got in store for you.
You cheeky sod! I’ve slaved over a hot stove and you’ve got only that on your mind.
No I am not cooking sausages.
I know. I’ve missed you too.
Really? Ah you shouldn’t have.
I love you too, see you soon.
(Dream A Little Dream by Mamma Cass starts to play as I sweep up and start dancing.
Fade Out)
Well that’s it, so much for a short column.
See you next week.
