The Midnight News 09.23.04


Hey, I’m Chris and this is the Omega MidNews and all I can promise is a lot of typos.

Let’s get through this together…


Real quick Flea is giving away autograph copies of Scott Keith’s book. Click here and find out how YOU can have a piece of recycled rants.

Told ya it would be quick.


I say that with love… with LOVE, PEOPLE….

But let’s face it, the Big Bossman was pretty much simple folk… if he didn’t make gobs of WWF/WCW money, he would be living in a trailer and would probably be cool with it.

He died from unknown causes. He was 42 and lived pretty hard. You don’t need steroids or a major drug problem to drop dead at a pretty young age, kids. He wasn’t exactly Jack LaLane. Then again… does ANYONE know the whereabouts of Nailz? Was he in Georgia last night? DID NAILZ FINALLY GET HIS REVENGE AGAINST THE BULL SCREW WHO MADE HIS PRISON STRETCH A LIVING HELL????? DEAR GOD!!!

Maybe the Bossman died from depression over not winning a seat as co-committee chairman in the Paulding County elections held last July? as I reported a few weeks ago at 411… and so far am the ONLY one to report this.

Maybe Momma Cornette had him whacked for abandoning her fruity son?

Wait a second… maybe he was killed by the Latin Kings! MAYBE THE BOSSMAN MADE SOME SERIOUS ENEMIES WHEN HE JOINED THE GUARDIAN ANGELS!?!?!?!

OR, perhaps Springsteen had him killed…. the man DID try to get away with calling himself “The Boss”… YOU REALLY THINK THEIR WOULDN’T BE RAMIFICATIONS???? Springsteen takes that shit DEAD ASS SERIOUS, YO!

Hmm…. oh wait… of course… Kevin Sullivan had him killed. He was in Sullivan’s “gang”… you just don’t walk away from your family, homey… didn’t he see Colors? Was he too mesmorized by Sean Penn’s hairsprayed Italiano ‘do to pay attention to the code of the hood??

Oh, nonsense… what killed him was Southern cooking… everything is deep friend south of the Mason Dixon… Traylor loved his country-friend steak and his biscuits and his lard gravy.

Can’t say that I’ll miss him… wasn’t like we were friends or anything… but the question is… where is he going? Paradise or with all the other wrestlers… that other place… the one run by the crookedest promoter of them all…

Well, if the phrase “You reap what you sow” has any valid truth to it… the bastard made life MISERABLE for poor, innocent convicts… I’ve seen Oz, I know what those guards are up to!


Someone’s serving hard times, god dammit!!!

Anyway… let’s switch things up a bit and see who scooped this news story FIRST!!

WEDNESDAY September 22, 2004: NO TIME GIVEN: This site, the Inside Pulse WAS THE FIRST to report that Meltzer reported that Biossman was dead… BEFORE MELTZER REPORTED IT. Of course, this is possible because Widro has built a time machine. I TOLD YOU ASSHOLES THAT WE WERE GOING TO RE-INVENT THE WAY THINGS ARE DONE IN THE IWC!!!!

THURSDAY September 23, 2004: 12:04:00 AM: Meltzer reports that the Bossman is dead. If he didn’t, IP wouild still have the post up and the Universe would have exploded. So you jerks better get on your knees thank thank meltzer… he just saved your lives. Then shoot off a nasty e-mail to Widro for mucking around with the space/time continuum. The shrewd little bastard wonâ??t LEARN if he isn’t scolded!

THURSDAY September 23, 2004: 12:04:29 AM:… Ryder’s site, less than 30 SECONDS AFTER MELTZER POSTED THE NEWS, said that “they just got word” that the Bossman was dead. Then proceeded to take Meltzer’s brief news piece on what happened, cut, pasted and paraphrased the SHIT out of it.

THURSDAY September 23, 2004: (NO TIME GIVEN): Ashish breaks the news to the 411 audience. Sorry Ash… WE BEAT YA!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAA BOSSMAN’S DEATH IS OUR GAIN!!!!

THURSDAY September 23, 2004: 3:22:00 AM: Wade Keller FINALLY uncorks himself from his lifemate, wipes the brown yuck off his crank, and tells the Torch audience that Meltzer says Bossman’s dead. He then offered a special rate on a new Torch subscription because Bruce Mitchell’s witty, yet heartfelt newsletter only obit will sure to be “the finest wrestling obituary ever written, only on the Torch newsletter! Subscribe NOW!“… the money hungry pipesmoker!

THURSDAY September 23, 2004: As of this moment, the Lords of Pain have NOT reported this. It’s understandable… it IS a school night and Calvin Martin has this, like, TOTALLY HUGE Algebra quiz for second period Math. The sad part is that they have a column on the site called “Riding with the Bossman”??… yet ironically, on his final trip, the Bossman is riding alone… with no Lord of Pain to ride with him…. DAMN THE HIGH SCHOOL GODS AND THEIR TRICKY WAYS!!!!!

THURSDAY September 23, 2004: In a SHOCKING TWIST…. Pwinsider… Scherer’s site… the place that breaks EVERYTHING… as of this writing, a full SEVEN HOURS after the news… has YET to issue any report!! I wonder how Dave will spin this… I’m SURE he’ll just say he was at the gym and when he got back from the gym he checked his voice mails, got the news, verified it 500 times by calling all his WWE connections, THEN posted it… then went back to the gym for his afternoon work-out. Then he’ll spend an hour bragging about how awesome his site is on his Internet radio show. Skunk! HEY FATSO!!!! YOU DIDN’T BREAK THIS!! YOU’RE MELTZER’S BITCH!!! YOUR INSIDE PULSES BITCH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA

RIP Ray Traylor. Thanks for the good times.


Smackdown featured Austin, Hogan, Stephanie, Mick Foley, a poem, and someone gets the old haircut gimmick…. looks like a good show on paper.

Meanwhile, in TNA, Goldylocks was rumored to have made a fool of herself by going nuts at a bar and breakdancing to Janet Jackson’s Nasty Boys… this may have gotten her fired.

I say MAY… because Kevin Nash is coming in… and he’ll probably want a piece of that blown out ass…. God knows I do. Goldylocks looks like she could suck the engine out from the tailpipe.

Anyway… let’s see who got the spoilers up FIRST! WHO RULES THE WEEK??

WEDNESDAY September 22, 2004: 2:31 AM: This is an outrage… this is unreal… but there it is…. beating EVERYONE… Meltzer… Scherer….Ashish…. WIDRO…. Ryder…. KELLER… (well, it’s pretty easy to beat Keller with these)…. but for the second time within 6 weeks… those cut and pasting bad writing scamps at THE LORDS OF PAIN beat EVERYONE to the punch and get the SMACKDOWN SPOILERS UP FIRST!!! Deart God… dear CHRIST!!! Mr. Tito has signed a deal with THE DEVIL HIMSELF!!! That’s the only way I can see them pulling this off!!!

Wevv Mang gets the credit for this post…. what kind of f*ckhead would go by the name “Wevv Mang”? It’s almost as bad as naming yourself after a parasite that lives on the asshairs of canines.

WEDNESDAY September 22, 2004: 3:56 AM: 90… I say damn near 90 MINUTES after the Lords of Pain load up the spoilers, Meltzer finally letâ??s the marks go to bed after they waited up all night waiting for him to get the spoilers up. Meltzer probably had them since midnight… he just wanted to screw up some serious mark sleeptime! The unholy sadistic bodybuilding rat jap fudgepacker!

WEDNESDAY September 22, 2004: (no time given): Widro, like every other self-respecting man over the age of 16, totally ignores the Lords of Pain and swipes the spoilers from meltzer within SECONDS after Dave posts them! Then Widro went and sent me a lovely e-card thanking me for being me…. I swear. Widro knows exactly when I need a little ego stroke… he’s just pretty obvious about it…. God bless the little hebe! I’ll be with him until the day Hyatte dies

WEDNESDAY September 22, 2004: 6:44 AM: Bob Ryder looks at Scherer’s site… realizes that he has a chance to beat him to the punch, and posts the spoilers with great glee. Rumor has it he was so excited he attempted to do a cartwheel… but fell on his bald head and knocked himself out for a few hours…. Jerry jarrett was FURIOUS at him for being so late for work… “You ain’t gonna be the next Johnny Ace if ya can’t show up on time, Hard Ryde!!” he was heard to yell!. Poor Bob…

.WEDNESDAY September 22, 2004: (no time given): 411’s Larry Csonka swiped their spoilers from 1bob… which means we beat them by a few hours at least! First the Smackdown spoilers, then the Bossman news… they’re having a tough week!

WEDNESDAY September 22, 2004: 8:35 AM: Wha… wha… HAS THE WORLD GONE CRAZY!!! Dave Scherer… PWInsider… the asshole who LOVES to CROW AND CROW about how much better his site is than anyone else…. he doesn’t get his spoilers up until… until SIX HOURS AFTER THE LORDS OF PAIN!!!!! Wow! Maybe he is just as worthless as everyone else? Or maybe he had to slip his fat wife the ol’ Scherer Pickle? Or maybe he isn’t as great as he keeps telling everyone? Or maybe he was stuck all night with a barbell on his chest because he couldn’t get a spotter and he just HAD TO TRY to bench 300??? Let’s HOPE he offers an excuse for such TARDINESS!!

Dave’s spoilers were provided by “Cliff and Gwen”… yes, it took two people to send spoilers to Scherer. Either that or “Cliff” thought it would be cute to have an e-mail address with both him and his woman’s name on it… which makes “Cliff” a fagola…. and “Gwen” a royal bitch who knows how to whip her boys into OBEDIENCE!! .

WEDNESDAY September 22, 2004: (no time given): For some silly reason, Ashish posts the PWInsider spoilers on 411 even though he already had the spoilers up already. The guy can’t update 411’s comic book section so all the Inside Pulse guys don’t still have their farewell columns up, but by God heâ??s gonna frontload the rasslinâ?? page with all the spoilers that you readers can STAND!!!

Has Michael Huckabee gotten around to posting that pic of me that he supposingly has? There are a LOT… and I mean a LOT of people who would KILL to see that… and my sex life would improve DRAMATICALLY if certain people took a look and liked what they saw. So let’s go, son… step up.

WEDNESDAY September 22, 2004: 12:57 PM: The nightmare continues…. Wade Keller… PWTorch… a man trying so hard to DESPERATELY lay claim as being one of the most important Rasslin’ reports alive… for the BAZILLIONTH WEEK IN A ROW… shows up dead LAST with spoilers almost 2354 HOURS after they are posted. And for salt on the wound, Keller has to go on the word of new Torch “beat reporter” (ie: title instead of money) Brian Alston… who is 14 years old.

You people… how loud does Keller have to sob before you get it? Didn’t you LISTEN to him a couple of weeks ago when he said, “DO NOT ASSUME SOMEONE ELSE WILL SEND US THE RESULTS!!” It is up to YOU, the public… to bail Wade’s bony ass out of the HELL that is wrestling journalism and GIVE HIM HIS NEWS IN A TIMELY FASHION! Dear Christ, people… every week you force me to embarrass the man openly! He must be losing his MIND! Stop the madness… help Keller get the spoilers UP!! Only YOU can save the Torch from smothering out! Only YOU… Keller’s PEOPLE!!

Moses on a half-shell…. I LOVE this feature!


The Man Known as “Didn’t You Used To Be Someone?”, or Sting gave an interview with some guys… I’ll pop the links after I’m done recapping the recap.

-He was asked where can he get his anal sex with guys now that he’s only a part time wrestler? He said his movie, his church, his little bit of wrestling, and being a father.

-He was asked to explain to the youngsters how important it is to be a wrestling fan first. He said hewas not a wrestling fan growing up. Recently some old friends have tried to tell him they watched wrestling with him while growing up but Sting doesn’t ever remember watching wrestling on TV.

-He was asked point blank, which technical wrestling God inspired him to break in? He said that he got involved in the business when he was going to the same gym as Hulk Hogan. Hogan would come in and everybody would go crazy over him. “I knew him from the Rocky movie but for whatever reason, I was oblivious to it. I didn’t know anything about the wrestling,” said Sting.

-He was asked why Sting the singer hasn’t tried to sue him yet. He said he did not steal the name from Sting, the lead singer of the Police. “I think based on what I thought my style was in the ring … Actually, it was Stinger. People just called me Stinger. Yes, I knew of the singer. I don’t believe it would be a copy, though.” Then he busted out in a sweet rendition of “Don’t Stand So Close to Me… OWWWWW

-He was asked he hates the Ultimate Warrior, but was challenged to answer in the most diplomatic way possible. He said “He was a real intense kind of guy. The way he looked physically is the way he was mentally. He looked at things in a completely different way I did.

-He was asked to explain the Eddie Gilbert way of scoring Missy Hyatt and other rats. He said “Eddie taught us a lot at the beginning. He really worked with a lot and tried to teach us a lot of the psychology and timing.

-He was asked to keep the door opened for one nice WWE payday by sucking up to Triple H by sucking up to Ric Flair. He said, “He had the choice to make me or break me Make me look really mediocre. He chose to make me look really good. He had the ability to see beyond what I could see. So, I just followed his lead and he just took me under his wing and really showed me the ropes and taught me a lot. The first 12 months that I was in story lines and matches with Flair, I learned more… I was light-years ahead of where I was because of Ric.

-He was asked to trash someone… anyone for once in his life. He chose an easy target and went with Jake Roberts, “Is Jake compassionate about anything or anyone?” Sting feels Jake just blasts everyone these days. Then called him a worthless crackhead and a lousy lay.

-He was asked to explain how he made Vader his gay lover. Sting explains he was difficult at the beginning because he was fresh out of Japan and very stiff but Sting feels he “tamed him.”

-He was asked to lather up Hogan nicely and imply that Savage has always been Hogan’s bitch. He said “When Hulk Hogan came in, it was ‘Sting, step aside.’ But, I was okay with it because it was Hulk Hogan! Hulk Hogan was Hulk Hogan. It wasn’t like it was a cake walk for me to take it but I did. And then when Savage came in, it was ‘Oh, Savage is here. Step aside again.’ That one I had a struggle with.

-He was asked to make ther last Nitro where McMahon took over as melodramatic as possible. He said, “The enemy had come into our camp and held us prisoner

He also talks about Russo, the NWO, joining Smackdown (YEAH, like they wouldn’t put him on Raw before the ink of the contract could dry), and that God fellow… oh and he’s also in a movie about going through life with a forehead that makes him look like a cro-magnon… or perhaps even a Klingon.

Anyway, thanks to the interviewrs for keeping me on their mailing list… for the REAL interview, read the following from the guys…

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    There is nothing from Mr. McMahon this week, NOR is there anything from Triple H, who Vince promised to send in as a fill-in.

    I suspect they are quite busy.

    I sent off an e-mail to Vinceâ??s office letting him know about the week off last week, so he was forewarned.

    I’ll be honest, I’m not sure how seriously he takes this, I DO know, or I simply HAVE to beleive that this is very low on both men’s list of priorities, but in case they read this, I just want to say that I really do appreciate all the stuff Vince had given me, so far. He is my new hero and this whole experience has been an incredible boon to my self esteem. Thank you, Mr. McMahon. Hope to hear from either you or Hunter next week. :)


    Well, this didn’t take long.

    His name is Widro, and he runs this site. He ran the last site he and I were both at not so long ago, but this time, he REALLY runs it.

    Actually, he REALLY ran the last site too…. but that’s another story altogether.

    Well, for the first few weeks, Widro couldn’t have been happier with his creation, and the people who put stuff to read on it. Yup, the first few weeks here might just have been the BEST first few weeks in Widro’s LIFE… EVER!

    Alas… all trains must come to a stop:

    Widro: i dont feel like (NAME DELETED) came over to the new site with the commitment he promised


    The honeymoon is most assuredly OVER.


    *All Polar Bears are left-handed*

    And just like that, you’re already a little smarter than you were 3 seconds ago!

    Hyatte LIVES to inform.


    Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

    So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

    The following is 100% true… more or less:


    choosing between deaf and blindness?

    Keep my hearin’! I don’t know what I’d do without music… or the wife and kid yelling at me. And I ain’t done listening to Hyatte crow over the phone about inventin’ indoors and everything else for hours at a time. Blindness? I’ve seen enough already.

    Flea: A man who regularly calls people “Catfish”, then gets mad when I make him out to look like a rube.


    Okay, I got some stuff to work with now. Thanks to all who pitched in. Keep them coming. I still need submissions… but thanks to those who pitched in.

    Usual suspects LITTER this weekâ??s line-up, but stuff you will fondly recall hearing initially and enjoying… I think.

    01): I’m Curt Hennig

    And Big Scott Hall. As Tag Team champs, we’ll take them all

    So bring on the Long Riders, those dirt ball dumbos

    and smear those words and do the wrestle-rock rumble

    UHH– Curt Hennig and “Big” Scott Hall: “dueting” on a rap song. Late 80’s AWA

    02): All you kids out in TV land are not going to have any candy or Easter eggs tomorrow. I told the Claw to hide in the bushes tonight and wait for the Easter Bunny to come by, and when he does I told the Claw to jump out and put the claw hold on him and squeeze, and squeeze, and squeeze and then I told him, not to let go. No more Easter eggs, no more candy, no more Bunny!– Beauregarde: Portland Wrestling: the night before Easter, 1970

    03): Michael Hayes saying, Yeah, I grew up in Pensacola, and when I went to high school, I was voted most likely TO BEAT SOMEBODY UP!– “Freebird” Michael Hayes

    04): Hey, he speaks pretty well for a guy who just ate 2 lbs of crackers.– Bobby Heenan on Lou Ferrigno’s speech impediment

    05): That’s where he had the word “Goodyear” dermabrased off.– Jim Cornette on Dusty Rhode’s birthmark

    06): Here we are, the smartest mind in our sport, J.J. Dillion and the World Heaveyweight Champion who today just happens to be reeking of sex appeal. Now Sting, my friend, right now you just happen to be the focal point of my whole existence. You’ve been out here for weeks calling me out! Well now I want you to look around the dressing room and ask Luger, ask Road Warrior Hawk, Road Warrior Animal, ask Dusty Rhodes, ask anyone in this sport who’s anyone because to be anyone in this sport you have to get in the ring with Ric Flair and if you ask them you’ll find out that I beat ’em all. And on March 30, in Charlette It’s a big pay day for me . Whether its in L.A., Las Vegas, Greensborro, if you’re a betting man and I am, and you lay some money down, in my case millions, then you need to put your money down on the Nature Boy. And Sting I know you’ve been talking to those fifteen year olds in their training bras, well go ask some of those twenty-one year olds about me and they’ll tell you what my greatest attribute is – I’m a sixty minute man baby! And in Charlotte in the Colossium whether its a long sixty or a short ten, ask Luger, its takes more than AAAARRRRRRRRRGH! to get a Woooo! out of the Nature Boy!– Ric Flair: CLASSIC 80’s promo

    7): Did you know Tito holds a place in Guiness’ Book of World Records?

    Yeah? For what?

    He picked 1,600 heads of lettuce in half an hour.

    WILL YOU STOP!!– Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon, WWF TV: mid 80’s

    08): Different people need different things. Some people need a family. Some people need titles. Some people claim to need neither. Diamond Dallas Page is a prime example. But I would have to beg to differ with Page. See I’ve known him for a very long time. We’ve been friends, we’ve been enemies, we’ve been friends, we’ve been enemies again. Diamond Dallas Page swears that he need nothing. Nothing whatsoever. Doesn’t need his U.S. Title. I don’t need this belt to show everyone how great I am. Yet he constantly brings it out with him. He says I don’t need anyone. I don’t need any people. I don’t need the support. I’m glad for it, but I don’t need them. Yet he brings his trashy Nitro wife out with im each and every single week. You know it’s a little odd to me. You know maybe Page isn’t giving the whole story. You see Page and I go back a long way. We both had the same mentor. And as our mentor told us there can only be one. There can only be one who is the best. And Page may have come up with the Diamond Cutter, but the Snake. He gave me the DDT. Quote the Raven Nevermore.– Raven: Nitro ’98

    09): What was once a captivating, trendsetting program, has nowdeteriorated into a cliched – let’s be honest – BORING SNOOZEFEST that is in dire need of a knight in shining armour!– Chris Jericho

    Uh oh, he’s talking about you, JR– Jerry Lawler

    And that’s why I’m here! Chris Jericho has come to SAVE the WWF!– Jericho

    Save us? from what?– JR

    Looks like your getting your pink slip again!– Lawler

    Now let’s go over the facts. Television ratings – downward spiral. Pay-per-view buyrates – plummeting. Mainstream acceptance – nonexistent. And reactions of the live crowd – complete and utter silence!– Jericho

    Who is he trying to kid?– JR

    Better start looking for another job, JR– Lawler

    And I know why you’re silent! You’re silent because you’re embarrassed to be here!– Jericho

    WHAT!?– Lawler

    And quite honestly, I’m embarrassed for you! And the reason why you’re embarrassed is because of the steady stream of uninteresting, untalented, mediocre ‘sports entertainers’ where you’re forced to cheer for and care for – no wonder you’re not cheering! You could care less about every single idiot in that dressing room…and especially this idiot in the centre of the ring. You people have been led to believe that mediocrity is excellence. Uh uh…JERICHO IS EXCELLENCE– Jericho: Early Raw promo – ’99

    10): You guys have anymore of that cool insider lingo like run in that kind of stuff?– Lawler

    It’s funny you should mention that cause today we’re going to shoot with you.– Christian

    Oh, they’re going to shoot with us, JR!– Lawler

    And just relax. It doesn’t mean we’re going to use a gun or ammo. In wrestling terms, we’re going to shoot from the hip or tell it like it is. Bet you didn’t know that one, huh JR?– Christian

    Yeah, never heard that. Duh!– Ross.

    11): I love LA! I love big breasted women! I’m addicted to internet porn… Oh, I guess I shouldn’t have said the last one.– Rhyno, WWE House Show 11/22/03 LA, CA

    12): I’m a better wrestler than Chris Benoit. I’m much better looking than Edge. And the Guerreros? Well I can actually speak ENGLISH for goodness sakes! And unlike Rey Mysterio, I’ve been through puberty.– Kurt Angle

    13): I treat everybody equally. If a person has one kidney I wrestle him the same as I would anybody else!– Matt Hardy: Smackdown 2003

    14): Aww, whats the problem, gertrude? You mean to tell me that you can’t walk into a bar with a $100 bill on your forehead and walk out with anything, either male or female? – Roddy Piper to a reporter who questioned Curt Hennig’s sexuality

    15): Paul Wight, you’re a no good bastard and your momma said so!– Big Bossman: Raw ’99

    Ahh, the Bossman…. heâ??s doing some hard time now as we speak…

    Ahh, that country-fried, grit eatin’, momma cussin’, barefoot-in-the-pig sty trompin’, Southern boy…. can’t say that I’m gonna miss him, but… I always sort of liked the goofy bastard back when he wasnâ??t stinkinâ?? up the ring.

    Anyway… those well-adjusted pychotics who are just too damn COOL to check out the sort of Advice I hand out, well, you can go now. We’ll see you next week. You all suck and you KNOW you suck but refuse to admit it… suckity suck suck suckers.

    This is Hyatte

    And for everyone else…


    It took a while, but now I have a pretty good backlog of questions to be addressed. Keep sending them in.

    This week, things go back to normal, as far as these questions are concerned. Four people looking for advice, all male, all dealing with one issue… girls!

    But nothing about self-esteem or confidence… in fact, all of these questions are pretty unique and rather direct.

    The questions will be plain text, my answers in bold.

    Dude, what the f*ck do you do about a girl who liked you about 3 months ago and now suddnely has a f*cking fiancee??


    Not a damn thing. It’s over, stud. You lose. Cry about it for a good two weeks then wipe those tears, clear that throat, blow that nose, take a few deeps breathes, and move along.

    Hey Hyatte

    I have a question for your awesome wisdom; one which is f*cking eating me up.

    I’ve been with this girl for nearly two years now. We still don’t live together or anything like that, but we hopefully will do one day, etc etc. I love her, and I always thought she loved me too. She always says she does, and I think she means it.

    Maybe she does, but about a month ago, when she was in the shower I just took a peek at her mobile phone. I know it’s a bit of an invasion of
    privacy and all that, but I did anyway. Too late now.

    So, I find a couple of messages on there from some guy called phil. One of them is talking about how he can’t wait to finally meet her again and all that kind of stuff. My suspicion was pretty damn piqued right there, so I puzzled over whether to ask her about it or not, and decided I didn’t want of risk what we have. So I let it lie.

    But then yesterday, she went out for a few hours and left me with her computer. This cocksucker called phil still on my mind, I boot up her PC, and check out the message archives or whatever those things are called on MSN messenger.

    I find them talking about meeting up one day. They’re talking about all what they’re going to do to one another. Nothing overly explicit, but
    there’s definitely a familiarity there. She’s not quite so forward as he is, but there’s definitely a few comments in there, innuendoes and those
    stupid f*cking winky smileys and shit.

    And one line that really made me nearly cry (I don’t care, I can admit it), it said: “ive liked you for so long now, i find it worse that nothings ever
    happened…. if it had, and it didnt wrk out, then id feel happier that way than never knowing”

    That was from her to this phil guy, by the way. I have a feeling she knew him before she met me, but nothing ever happened with him.

    But here’s the thing … as far as I can see, I have a few options:

    1) Do nothing, and hope it’s just harmless internet flirting and nothing will come of it. (which runs the risk of her ending up cheating on me for
    real – I really do love her, but if she did, I’d dump her, or kill myself)

    2) Ask her flat out about it (which could potentially land me in shit for reading her messages)

    3) Use the info this phil guy revealed about himself in the MSN chats – surname, his part time job, his phone number, where he lives and what
    college he goes to – to track him down and warn him off. (but then he’d probably tell the gf, and she’d kick my ass to the kerb, which despite all this, I don’t want to happen)

    4) Use the info this phil guy revealed about himself in the MSN chats – surname, his part time job, his phone number, where he lives and what
    college he goes to – to track him down and kill him. (problems – probable life in jail, probable life of ass rape in jail, etc).

    All these options seem shitty to me. Please help me, Unky Hyatte. Please.


    (Please don’t print my name … and this is really f*cking getting to me, so if you can’t help, let me know that even … so I’m not waiting around for a reply before trying option 4)

    Neil G

    Neil G… hmm…. Neil… GAIMAN??? HOLY COW, MAN!! I LOVE YOUR BOOKS!!!!

    Don’t kill HIM, kill HER… she’s the one messing around behind your back.

    Oh, don’t KILL her, kill her.

    So nevermind Option 4… but what of the other options?

    Option 1) With the Internet, chances are nothing really WILL come from it. I have a little experience with this. However, the fact is she is disrespecting you with this Phil guy. This means that you are not wholly satisfying to her. You are doing something wrong. You are not making her 100% happy. Perhaps you never can and this is her general make-up. Maybe she’s just a pig, but a safe sort of pig who only cheats on you online. If that’s the case, chances are she WILL cheat on you, or leave you for another dude the moment one becomes available. Just so you know.

    What I can tell you is that I was actually this “Phil” guy for a few years. Not literally, but I had a girl that I was pretty nicely into and was starting to make plans with her… but whenever she got a boyfriend, she tried to stay true to him. Usually, I eventually weaseled my way deep enough into her heart where she sort of cheated on him with me… but that act gets old quick (no matter how charming one is, you cannot compete with a live cock that she can have physical access to whenever she wants) and I’m not talking to her anymore. Eventually, the girl (and guy) gets tired of the voice on the phone and the words on the screen.

    Option 2) Don’t ask her flat out. You’ll lose her trust and it’s easier getting a cure for Aids than it is getting her trust back. That’s a world of shit that you DO NOT need. Plus it’ll make “Phil” look even better to her.

    Option 3) If you’re gonna track him down, you might as well beat the crap out of him. How far away is he? Is it worth going 2000 miles just to tell him to leave your woman alone? Hell NO it isn’t.

    I have an Option 5) for ya! Create your own MSN Messenger screen name… and if you can handle it, pretend to be a girl and go about becoming “friends” with Phil and learning all you can about him. Abe Lincoln once said, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” I think that once you get a handle on who this guy is, unless he’s some mega-rich movie star or pro athlete, you’ll end up laughing about this whole silly crush your girl has with this loser.

    Then, when you’re pretty damn tired of the girl and want to really win whatever fight you’re having with her, unleash your knowledge of “Phil” and really go to town on her. Amass a database on the guy to really throw it in her face whenever you need a low blow to really sting. Boxers spend nine rounds throwing jabs and hooks while just waiting for the tenth round chance to unload a nasty Uppercut or a brain splattering Overhand Right. You have some serious info on her now. Save it for that one, special, rainy day.

    Alright Hyatte, you may be able to help me out with something. I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of weeks, and I know how you’re looking for something other than the “how do I get girls to like me” questions, so here goes.

    I don’t have any problems with the ladies. I get my fair share of them. In fact, I get quite a bit more than my fair share of them and it has, in part,led me to this problem.

    There was a girl that I met in college and we started a relationship. I wanted it to be a situation where she was just the girl I got some ass from when I wanted, but as it always seems to happen, she wanted a relationship. I recently got out of a relationship that lasted for 3 years and truth be told I wasn’t totally over my ex girlfriend. I would always get drunk and talk about her and how I missed her, etc, and the new girl put up with it. Eventually that stopped, I got over the ex (I realize it wasn’t the ex that I was idealizing, but that particular time in my life) and I began a relationship with the new girl. There were good times and there were bad times, but our relationship carried through. From me moving to LA then back, and her spending summers in Spain, from Spring Break exploits to random videotapes of me and other girls that should have long been hidden better on my PC, we lasted. Fast forward 3 years and I wanted out. There wasn’t really anything wrong with this girl, but I wanted to see what else was out there. She and I had our good times and if we ended up married that was all well and good, but I honestly wanted to just sample more than just her (although to be truthful I was doing that during our relationship).

    Well, I leave college and come back to my home town. She would sometimes come and visit and I would still come down and visit her. Honestly I
    believed we were in love, but at the end we would always seem to be either fighting or in bed together. We were both crazy like that. From sending me pictures of things I’d given her burned to me totally ignoring her, no matter how we got away from each other, we’d always end up going back.

    After a while, though, I started seeing other girls. There was one she new about who I told her I was just friends with, and another she found out about by going through my email (still dont’ know how she got the password). Well, one day after me spending some time with her, I was sleeping and she went through my wallet. She found the business card of one of the girls I was seeing, then later called her at work. They talked and ended up finding out how I was playing them both (when in all fairness, the other girl knew everything already). My ex came up with a plan to get me back, but the new girl backed out of it.

    Then I found out how crazy my ex really was.

    One day around Christmas, I went out with a friend of mine. I came home around 4:30am to see my dad standing outside the house with a lantern. My car was totally vandalized. The outside had eggs, ketchup, flour, and paint (of course the paint said quite a few things I would have hated for my mother to see, like “Male Slut,” “I lie and cheat,” “STD carrier (which is not true)”). The inside had flour, eggs, and bleach dumped in it. My tires were also slashed. My dad called the cops and a report was made. I never spoke with her again after this.

    Now, here I am 9 months later and I’m in a money crunch. I had to pay for my car to get restored, and I’m thinking about suing her for the cost of it. I can’t prove she did it (and I don’t know if she’ll admit it in court), but she did conspire with the other girl to do it (who will testify to that fact) and she has done it before. I can also prove she was in the area at the time, which also helps considering she lives 2 hours from here. It’s all circumstantial, but in small claims, sometimes that’s enough.

    Now, it’s 9 months old, we’ve both moved on, but I could really use that money at this point. Not only that, I don’t like her getting on with the
    fact that she got the best of me (even though it’s no longer a big issue and it wasn’t even a big enough issue for me to try to pay her back). What do you think?

    PS- I just wanted to add that with my crazy girlfriend, the one who wrecked my car, I’ve never had as good of sex with anyone as I had with her. She was ultra hot, had huge tits, and could give a bj like you wouldn’t believe. You’re right, the crazy ones are always the best in bed.

    Tramel Raggs


    Well dude, from what you told me, she’s gotten her revenge fetish out of her system and is now doing what you wanted her to do, which is get out of your life. Why would you want to antagonize her and incite more crazy stuff?

    You won’t be able to prove a damn thing in court. She won’t admit to doing it and all you have is circumstantial evidence and hearsay. Unless someone saw her directly f*cking with your car at the time, you shouldn’t assume you could get her into court and recoup your money. All you’ll end up doing is pissing her off even more.

    I know money is tight right now, but I suggest you be the bigger person here, do what she couldn’t do and ignore your thirst for revenge (and let’s face it, that’s all this is), and live on Ramen Pride Noodles for a few weeks until your wallet catches up with your bills. You’ll probablky always regret not getting your revenge on her for getting revenge on you, but you’ll also be thankful that cooler heads prevailed and you listened to ol’ Hyatte.

    And if you HAVE TO get revenge… well, drive to her place one night and dump three pounds of sugar or three gallons of water in her gas tank. While the damage to your car was cosmetic, you’ll be ruining her engine and essentially totalling her car. She’ll never drive that thing again without a new engine.

    Or, just so you can never be accused to doing anything illegal… just get under her hood and rearrange all the hoses connecting her spark plugs. It’ll be days before the mechanics can figure out what happened, and it’ll take hours of crucial, paid by the hour labor to put them back in the right order. Now THAT’S sweet revenge… cuz you didn’t break any laws! You’re home free!!

    Hyatte!!!! I have been reading your stuff for a while now but rarely get to since you left 411. I just don’t have as much time and frankly my lack of interet in wrestling has kept me away. I know I’m ashamed. Anyway, I have a different type of question for you. I met a girl in a bar about a month and a half ago and we clicked pretty well. This is awfully surprising since usually I don’t meet decent girls in bars. I have been seeing a few girls off and on over the past severl months, usually none last more than a month or so. Well this girl really likes me. I have a great time with her and shes very loyal and sweet. She is also from Southern Missouri and went to a small school in Nebraska for college, she JUST got out of school and is in Grad school in Philly where I live. (technically suburbs but you get the drift.) Anyway, things are kinda cool except for we have some philosophical differences. She is pretty ! religious and I personally think that organized religions are a load of shit. I never say this thoguh and respect her beliefs. She is also a conservative Republican and I’m a middle to left leaning Democrat who despises the President. The big issue in our relatinoship is that physically things are going nowhere. We’ve gone on several nice dates as well as have had several nights of partying with friends. Its been roughly a month and a half and we’re just making out a little now finally. Shes not a good kisser either. She is a virgin and waiting for marriage. I respected this but she also just told me the other night that no guy hjas even seen her toppless. Its something to do with her “respecting herself.” She already has trust issues and not a lot of confidence thoguh I’ve tried to build it up the past month. I’ve already decided that we’re just not right for each other and I’ll try and just be friends with her still.! I just am troubled since I’m very attracted to her roommate. The roommate who I have been hanging out with since I met this girl (group thing at a bar), is much more like me. We get the same jokes, have similar sense of humor, make the same TV and movie references, both smoke pot, are both very social and she is as sexually open and enlightened so to speak as I am. Is it possible to end things with the one and start something with the other. Even if it takes some time in between the breaking up thing and the hooking up with the other girl. For an age reference here, the girl I’m still (as of now) seeing is 23, I’m going to be 26 in November, and her roomate is 23 also. Sorry about the length of this but I didn’t want to sound like a prick when it was boiled down to current girl doesn’t put out at all and is in general boring while herroommate is fun, social, and a sexual person like me. It is a lot more than jsut the nakedness obvious! ly but that also polays a major part. THANKS for your help… and if its not too much to ask… return the e-mail just letting me know when your column will answer this. I’m not online a whole hell of a lot except to check my e-mail and make my football picks. I gots teaching shit to do.


    Well, first of all, how tight is she with her roommate? Are they the best of friends or is this just a business relationship?

    If they are good friends, then I would go about mutually breaking up with the virgin (If you don’t feel the chemistry, she doesn’t either – unless she’s blind, desperate, or both) and then asking her if its okay for you two to stay friends. If she geniunely likes you as a person, then ask her permission to ask out the roomie. She’ll probably say no, but who knows?

    If they are just connected as a way to pay rent, then go about feeling out the roomtate for the mutual attraction thing. If she’s into you, then you might be able to pull off the sneak around play. What the virgin don’t know won’t hurt her.

    I wouldn’t get my hopes up, either way. The roommate switch is always a risky endeavour that takes more stealth and cunning than most guys are willing to invest.

    And that’ll do it. For the advice, for the column, for EVERYTHING… done, pal… gone. Finito.

    On Monday, Message Boardom, hot, HOT ass gossip, and finally, how you can score a date with Trish Stratus… not WIN a date, GET a date…. yeah, you…

    On Thursday, hopefully HHH will deliver his long promised column. This should be interesting.

    Beyond that, I don’t know what I’ll be doing next week…. although I’m sure masturbation will play a big part in it.

    This is Hyatte