The Crucifix


Alright so I’m doing away with the $$$ and *** ratings and will just tell it like it is from now on. I feel as though those signs were a diversion from my brilliance. On with the show…

Raw 9.20.04
-Vince McMahon announces Taboo Tuesday. First match is Eric Bischoff and Eugene.
-Stacy and Victoria def. Trish and Molly
-Randy Orton talks to Vince McMahon
-Gene Snitsky tells us it wasn’t his fault. (Kane/Lita baby thing)
-Tajiri def. Hurricane
-Hurricane starts heel turn
-Kane says the baby has a 50/50 shot and Snitsky is a dead man.
-Chris Jericho and HBK battled to a no contest due to outside interference from Tomko and Christian.
-Smackdown! Rebound is interrupted by the miscarriage of Lita’s baby.
-Maven def. Sylvain Grenier
-Lita lost the baby. Kane is sad.
-Simon Dean says hi again.
-Randy Orton, Shelton Benjamin and Chris Benoit def. Evolution

The Raw Weekly Membrane:
-Vince McMahon must consult the board of directors to allow fans to book matches. He never mentioned them.
-Gene Snitsky, if under oath, would be committing perjury if he said it wasn’t his fault.
-Hurricane taking his mask back was theft and on another level it was Indian giving, which is just f*cked up.
-Kane’s threat at Snitsky is verbal assault.
-Christian and Tomko ONCE AGAIN violate the Calvin Klein laws. When will these guys ever learn?
-Having a miscarriage isn’t illegal, but it sucks.
-Randy Orton technically violated the Calvin Klein laws because once you are removed from a match you may not return. A replacement may be found, however if you are taken out on a stretcher you should not return.

-THANKS VINCE! NOW I CAN VOTE ON EUGENE AND ERIC! WOW! FEELS LIKE FUCKIN’ CHRISTMAS! What in the hell are they doing? Bombshell? NO. Thank God he didn’t say it would “…SHAKE THE VERY FOUNDATION OF WWE!” If he did then he’d have to offer up Stephanie to all that wanted her. I just feel as though no matter how many people vote for Y2J vs. HHH or how many times Keith can vote for Benoit it won’t make a difference. We’re getting Orton vs. HHH.
-Gene Snitsky is getting a better push than Shelton Benjamin.
-Hurricane taking his mask back is f*cked up. But I have no sympathy for that kid. Fuck that kid. I never got Bret Hart’s glasses and I came out just fine.
-You know something, Kane is awesome. He’s tried so damn hard with this angle and sickeningly enough, the miscarriage got me to like the angle. Lita looked like Jeff Hardy before a house show in that bed.
-Jericho and HBK was fun.
-I figured out something with Randy Orton. He gets a HUGE pop whenever he comes out and it seems to dissipate by the end. Like “WE’RE SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!…Can you leave now?” He’s awesome don’t get me wrong, but I think he needs more. Like a manager. Maybe me.
-CHRISTY FUCKIN’ HEMME FOLKS! Yea! Sodas totally rule!

Smackdown! 9.23.04
-5 years and counting.
-Paul London def. Billy Kidman by count out. Kidman won’t fight.
-Booker T def. Paul London impromptu.
-Teddy tells Kidman he’s fighting London at No Mercy.
-Spike Dudley def. Rey Mysterio
-Teddy makes Kenzo and Rene vs. RVD and Rey at No Mercy
-UT def. Gangrel and Viscera
-Heidenreich reads Vince poetry
-Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young def. Torrie and Dawn Wilson (Yea you read that right damn it I stay with angles.)
-John Cena raps for the 5 year anniversary.
-Eddie Guerrero and Big Show def. Kurt Angle and Luther Reigns by DQ when Mark Jindrak runs in.
-Angle, Reigns and Jindrak tranquilize Big Show and shave his head.

NOTE: There were Smackdown! Throwbacks and interviews within this program.

The Smackdown! Membrane:
-Billy Kidman refusing to fight is breach or contract.
-Despite his name, Booker T is not a booker and can’t make matches.
-Mark Jindrak violated the Calvin Klein laws.
-Tranquilizers are illegal. Shooting someone with one is assault with a deadly weapon.

-If Kidman gives up so easily I am tapping Torrie Wilson’s ass in a week.
-Spike Dudley is starting to bother me.
-They should keep Gangrel and Viscera around.
-Heidenreich reading poetry sucks. He should just rape Michael Cole.
-Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young should team with Gene Snitsky. It’s money baby!
-John Cena should’ve included ” I wanna git the hell out this Smackdown! scene! Where can I sign to play the marine!”
-Tranquilizers are so only reserved for annoying women. Seriously you know the chicks that won’t shut up? Yea, just tranq’ them.
-The throwbacks and interviews were nice but honestly my care for Smackdown! is so minimal. Maybe it’s because Raw us the flagship and everything, but I just don’t buy Smackdown! So from now on, it’s just Smackdown, not Smackdown! I will take the exclamation out until I care again.

-Big Bossman dead at 42. Possibly of a major heart attack. See if you’ve read this column from the beginning you know that I started watching when Bossman got the shit kicked out of him by Nailz. So this affected me and made me think of my younger days. Days when I didn’t know about “kayfabe” “bumping” “angles” etc. That’s what I’m trying to relay in this column. Whenever you’re friends say “It’s not real ya know.” you reply “Yea I know.” I ‘m trying to get you to think “Really? It’s fake?” because this stuff is more fun that way. Either way, Ray Traylor was my introduction to wrestling so God bless him, his family and his nightstick. God finally has a bodyguard.

Here for you readers is a peek inside the InsidePulse Offices. Widro finally wrote us a letter about our recent problems in the office:

Rolling The Dice: WWE FANTASY
-I got my ass handed to me this week. I picked Charlie Haas, John Cena, Jericho, Triple H and Trish. The Raw side did alright for me but Cena’s damn rapping shit only got me 3 points. Haas is on Velocity so yea I’m pissed.
-Tip of the week: Keep in mind No Mercy is next Sunday. You might want to keep your picks on the Smackdown side and base it on the card at Pay-Per View points are higher.

-Still searching for Raw MSG front row!
-No response yet from Victoria. I think she broke up with me. It doesn’t matter I still have Christy Hemme. CONGRATS CHRISTY!

Credit:…”Thanks Vince”

‘Till next week
-Dan Hevia
“When life gives you lemons, blame Triple H.”