The Midnight News 09.27.04

(Regarding last Thursday’s Guide to Life)

Whatever happened to men? How many of these whiny bitches are there that have these easily splved f*cking problems? Are these the only women they can pull, so they invest their entire emotional being into the relationship? It’s f*cking simple: bitch cheats, bounce. Bitch is unsure how she feels, tell her to give a an answer NOW or bounce. The dude checked his woman’s email, Im, cell phone, I don’t care if he read her goddamned mind – they’re in a relationship, then that personal privacy bullshit is just that: bullshit. I’m gonna share my bed with you, the mindf*ck that is love, & NOT check on your celly? Here’s a sawbuck, whore – get out. If you’re unsure about the cunt, that says it all – BOUNCE. Cry, get drunk, be miserable. But get on with it, & get it over with. Unless you’ve got a house together, or some kids, or some other extreme financial situation shared, bounce. Your bitchass heart will heal, but your ego 5 years down the road recalling how BITCH ASS you were, will not. This better be the first pussy these cats have ever tasted – no excuse otherwise. Maybe they need to taste the dick – fellas know loyalty. Your bitch is cheating because you are confused, & she smells blood in the water.

I’ve had my share of broads, great sex, great fights – even a gun pulled on 3 occassions. Now, I’m married to a wonderful girl, going on 5 years. And she agrees with me – these cats are pussies, their chicks will run away. The hardest part is getting a bitch – it’s cheaper to keep her, but easier to BOUNCE.
If a bitch, or punk bastard, f*cked with me or mine, or the least my car, guess who gets a quick as pistol whipping? Example: smae thing happened – ex trick keyed my car. I had my new trick key her breasts & belly – with a boxcutter. Example: bitch TRIED to have her new man jump me – 13 years (at the time) of kung fu would’ve taught kid not to f*ck with me barehanded. As it was, I was strapped. One week & 1 broken jaw later, he holds down the bitch while I let off a few into the air, & then burned between her ass cheeks w/the barrel. And on the off chance she reads this – Tell someone. I dare you. I STILL have eyes on you.

Grimmemoir

So yeah! Bounce! And if she gets mouthy, slice off her nipples!!!

Good luck in prison, stud!!

QUESTION: Who r all these Keller and Meltzer guys, I’ve never heard of them. Do a guide to internet ppl or something, and explain why u think they’re all wankers or something.

No name given.

Heh… love it.

The best place to get info on these guys I rag on would be to take a look at the IWC 100 List that Flea put together last year. There are three of them, the Summer ’03 edition is where he explains who they are and why they are ranked. The first one, the original list, was the all-time historic list… which I was, naturally #1 because I am one influential BASTARD!!

A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

Hyatte hasn’t been an entertaining writer in years. He’s become a parody of himself and quite frankly, doesn’t know when to quit. Whenever he misses a
column the world lets out a sign of relief and begins a new day with life and vigor.

There, now you’re smarter than you were a minute ago.

Jeremy Simpson

This guy has been flaming me since Scoops…. 7 years and he’s followed me EVERYWHERE.

And I’m willing to bet he really can’t DEFINE the term “parody of himself”… he just liked how smart it made him sound.

And I’m afraid it takes LESS than a minute to read that letter… some of us can actually read fast! We don’t have to sound out the tough words, like “parody” and “vigor”

Hello Dungfondlers, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News Alpha. We actually have a full plate of stuff to hit on this time out, so let’s get it going.

BUT, PLUGS

You MISSED last Thursday’s column? Then you missed a few words on Ray Traylor, charting the newsbreakers (my current favorite gimmick), Widro bitching about someone. Flea. A Sting interview. Wrestling quotes. AND Advice. Well worth your time. Nowhere NEAR worth the energy I put into it.

TRAYLOR AIN’T TRASHED

All week, people have been sending letters and Imming me and saying something along the lines of “Damn, you think the Bossman went down to drugs? Like everyone else in this crazy sick business? You think he OD’ED????

Dammit people…. NOT EVERY WRESTLER WHO DIED HAS TO BE A GODDAM DRUGGIE!!!! LET THE BOSSMAN DIE NATURALLY!!!

Truth is, if the Bossman’s heart attack came from anything, it came from Southern Cooking…. come on people, remember the movie My Cousin Vinnie? They ordered breakfast and the black cook started melting a massive, artory-clogging glob of LARD. That’s how the south cooks!! They don’t have steak, they have CHICKEN FRIED STEAK!! They don’t have hot dogs, they have deep fried CORN DOGS!! Fricken’ EVERYTHING is rolled in something nasty and then dunked in a vat of boiling grease! The south INVENTED the concept of frying chicken! Those toothless hillbillys fry EVERYTHING….

And they use gravy instead of milk in their cereal, for crying out loud. With biscuits and sausage and bacon. Jeezus people, they serve steak for BREAKFAST!!

Traylor never met a dessert cart he didn’t molest…. my god, how on EARTH could he turn down something like
Fudge Brownie Sundae… Traylor had no problem jobbing to this fudge walnut brownie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and hot fudge sauce on top. Big enough to share, but Traylor never wanted to. AND LORD HELP THE POOR BASTARD WHO TRIED TO CADGE A HUNK!!

So ENOUGH with the OD speculation… let the man rest in reputable PEACE…. let him just be known as a man who got high on CHITLINS!!

Wait a second… an e-mail just landed in my box… hmm, I wonder what it could be…

Hey Chris,

I should’ve taken Bossman in Flea’s dead pool a long time ago… I delivered the guy a pizza some years back (1998-9, when he came back in black) and I swear
to God I caught a contact high the minute he opened the hotel room door.

No sign of Patterson, though

Mike

…..

well f*ck me

No… NO DAMMIT…. HE WAS CLEAN!!! JUST LOVED THE RIBS!!!

Nothin’ wrong with a little ganja, dammit… doesn’t mean you’re a junkie mother….

Man, Scott Hall and the entire Von Erich family ruined it for EVERYONE

TOTAL NONSTOP BLEEDING

Over in TNA, one of the Naturals Andy Douglas and Team Canadian Johnny Devine were both stabbed by an unidentified assailant in Nashville. Bob Ryder said that while AMERICAN Douglas walked away with a slight limp and a smile, CANADIAN Devine needed 14 hours of surgery and will be out of action for 4-6 weeks. When asked to comment a stunned Douglas was heard to say, “This isn’t fair! I never lost my smile! Why am I getting attacked at a club when I know where my damn smile is??

TNA’s creative masterminds: Hairy back Dutch Mantel and Jeff Jarrett have already began plotting how to turn this into an angle where Jarrett personally captures the sthe guy who does it and pins him on TNA’s first Sunday PPV, then pins Douglas. Then drives to the hospital and whacks Devine with his guitar, then pinning him. That’ll make him more powerful in the eyes of the fans than Triple H!

Vince Russo sent out a memo saying that even tho’ he now HATES this business with every fiber of his BEING, he will REMAIN at TNA and have all his ideas totally ignored and mocked, not because he can’t stay away from the spotlight… but because SOMEONE must be there to speak up for Douglas and Devine! WHO ELSE WOULD??? WHO????

TNA/Panda owner/president/whoever she is Dixie Carter is trying to convince Jarrett to find a way to blame Johnny Fairplay for this as an angle… because the man needs HEAT, dammit!!

I’m curious… is ANYONE a true fan of TNA? I mean, like a total MARK who can’t miss a show? I just never get that vibe. It’s like they are just… there.

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MRS TRISH HYATTE (not really)

Wanna score a date with Trish Stratus? Well, you can’t…

Wanna score a date with Rebecca Wild, who looks enough like Trish for a porn clip to be making the rounds online that is titled Trish Stratus’s XXX Try-Out… well, uhhh

See, this is what happens when I take too long to get to a news story…

When the glamourous world of porn is just not enough to satisfy the sexual cravings of young, outrageously stacked, probably drug addicted/disease infested women, they rent themselves out to high profile ESCORT SERVICES!!

And Rebecca Wild WAS a part of it… thus the Stratus connection… but they pulled her profile. So no Stratus connection…

You CAN, however, rent out Jasmin St Claire by calling 866/252-2299. Her rates are on a call by call basis.

That number, by the way, leads right to Jasmin’s 3PW office (back of her garage), so if you’re VERY lucky, the Blue Meanie might pick up and you can ask him WHY his love is renting herself out by the hour. And ask why his hair is blue. And ask why he’s such a general moron.

Don’t like Jasmin? Then give Kendra Jade a call at 866/252-2299. Kendra soaks you for $1500 an hour and $3000 for two… anything else is on a call by call basis

What you say? You like them BLONDE? Well, then Chennin Blanc will take care of you. Just dial 866/252-2299. Chennin is hosing you down for $1500 for an hour, $3000 for 2, $5’500 for 4, $10 large for twelve, and $17’500 for a full 24 hours

EXOTIC??? Then hook-up-with-almost-Carmen-but-not-quite Jennifer Electra at 866/252-2299. Jennifer from your cock will stiff you to the tune of $1500 for 60 minutes (you can blow TWICE!) and 3 large for two (still only manage to blow TWICE, wimps)… anything above is on a call by call basis.

Now dfon’t tell me you like the CHOCOLATE…. well then Audree Jaymes is for you. This nubian beauty is only a 866/252-2299 away. And SHE’S discounting her yam yams for just $1300 for an hour and $2600 for two. Everything else is on a call by call basis… but I think you can jew her down for a full day at a 4 hoiur rate! Go to TOWN, my homie!

But if you want a GODDESS… a junkie slut, amazingly beautiful, why is she DOING this she used to be HUGE MAJOR porn star… then dial 866/252-2299 and get set up with none other than CHASEY F’K’N LANE! The former Wicked/former Vivid contract player can be yours for the low low price of… well, the same rates as Chennin Blanc… but I strongly suggerst you bring a little cocaine with you… help loosen Chasey up a bit!

Seriously, I’d act now… I can’t see these girls living too much longer!

Oh rest assured, these are ESCORTS… they are there to… ESCORT you to parties and functions and such… all business… no hanky panky.

I’dliketohearexactlywhatyouneedanescortforthatonlytakesanhour

Meanwhile, for a TOUCH of Trish news, the REAL girl recently relinquished her title as WWE BABE OF THE YEAR to flapjack tittied Stacey Keibler… isn’t it IRONIC that Trish lost the title A: During the best damn work she’s ever done as a major hot babe evil heel and B: Just as her contract with the company is a few months (March) from running out?

MY GOD, IS THERE A VOTABLE ELECTION THIS NUTTY ASS COMPANY WON’T RIG????

Taboo Tuesday WILL be Hunter defending his title against the most popular (picked by FANS) choice… Stephanie McMahon, cuz the marks LOVE Stephanie… trust me.

I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED LAST WEEKEND

Top five movies of the week, daddio!!

1) The Forgotten: $22 million opening weekend. Hey look, it’s BEECHER from Oz!!! This is a movie with the most ASS BLASTING trailer I’ve ever seen! But now all I’ve been hearing is that it sucks. Roger Ebert said that he’s glad Gene Siskel’s dead so he wouldn’t have to suffer through this tripe. Now that’s HARD core, people!!

Is Julianne Moore a red-headed albino? has she EVER seen the sun?

I think Rob Feinstein kidnapped Moore’s son and made everyone but her forget he even existed.

2) Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow: $6.7 million ($25.5 million total). Angelina Jolie’s character wasn’t supposed to have an eyepatch, but just before filiming she allowed a group of hot boys gangbang her eyeball…. yes, she is THAT horny… and whacky.

This movie is an official bomb. So far it’s made enough money to cover its first 5 minutes. Not good.

3) Mr. 3000: $5 million ($15.3 million total) Ironic, because a few more bombs like this and Bernie Mac’s asking price for filmwork will be about three grand a shot.

4) First Daughter: $4.05 million opening weekend. Katie Holmes needs a seriously racy sex scene… with me… that face looks BORN to have the ol Hyatte cock slappin’ against it.

Whatever happened to Michael Keaton anyway? Remember Night Shift? Remember his speech where he broke down the word “prostitution”? I’ll have to get that in on the movie lines segment one of these days. Point is, the man is FUNNY and Katie Holmes SERIOUSLY needs to eat something… food and otherwise.

5) Resident Evil: Apocalypse: $4 million ($43.4 million total) I SWEAR one of them zombies is just a drunk Michelle Rodriquez who wandered onto the set shouting, “Why wasn’t I involved in this film, ese??

In other movie TV news: The absolute BEST magazine interview EVER comes from this week’s Entertainment Weekly with the cast of the original CSI. Never again will you read a bunch of too damn lucky for their own good actors gripe about how they must sacrifice chances to EMOTE because of the tight storylines where the murder is the main character! NEVER will you see so many actors basically admit they ther are doing this job strictly for the money.

And you will HOWL as you read Nick Eads and Jorja Fox make excuses for how they tried to bluff CBS for more money… and was fired for it. Eads was particulary thick with the bullshit… “I overslept and next thing I know, I was fired! Huh? My alarm didn’t go off!! Gimme a break!!

And William Peterson… who NEVER had anything even CLOSE to resembling a hit… has a lot of nerve grumbling.

That said… the show rocks and GRISSOM IS GOD!… He doesn’t RULE, tho’… that honor still goes to Mandy Patinkin’s “Jeffrey Geiger” from Chicago Hope. God DAMN, he was the SHIT!

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. MosquitoPecker, who has never done anything for anyoneâ?ᦠand probably a fan of Ring of Honor too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Becauseâ?á¦

If he had to (and perhaps he has), he could have gay sex and NO ONE would question his heterosexuality afterwards.

THIS HAS BEEN â??TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOUâ??â?ᦠSTARRING TRIPLE H! WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

WRITING WITH BONERS

Okay, you want new material… let’s try this.

Someone showed me a site filled with “Erotic wrestling fiction”… in other words, bad writers telling sex stories starring YOUR favorite wrestlers.

So I thought it might be fun to take a snippet from one of the stories and post it for sits and giggles…

But then it occured to me that this is a FAMILY FRIENDLY column… and some of this stuff is too damn gosh darn racy for my more sensitive readers…

So I went Mad Libs on the bad part… but with a THEME to the Mad Libs.

Trust me, this might just take off.

So, I present to you, a few cuts from Sable’s Secret Lover: Part 3

The Mad Lib theme this week: DISNEY!

Enjoy!

I went over to Sable’s house, through my back garden, and gave a slight knock before entering.

“Up here!” Torrie shouted.

I headed upstairs and into Sable’s bedroom. I gasped as I saw Torrie. She was kneeling on the bed, naked. I looked her up and down, taking in all of
her gorgeous tanned body, glistening with what looked like (FAIRY DUST), her big, round (SIMBAS) hanging perfectly on her chest, her toned stomach, her clean shaven (BRIAR PATCH)and her smooth, tanned legs. My (DUMBO) immediately sprang to life in my pants. Torrie motioned for me to come over with her finger. I began unbuttoning my shirt as I approached her. Torrie crawled over to the edge of the bed and grabbed my belt buckle, undoing it slowly, looking up at me.

Once she was done with the buckle, her hand began massaging my stiff (GRUMPY) through my jeans, cupping my (DONALD DUCKS) and rubbing the (UNCLE SCROOGE). She unbuttoned my jeans, pulling them down. I slid my ankles out of my jeans, and then my boxers, as Torrie clawed them off of me. She looked lustfully at my stiff (BRE’ER RABBIT), biting her bottom lip gently. Her smooth, bronze hand reached out and gripped my (GENIE), and slowly began stroking it. Much like Sable, Torrie’s hands were gorgeous and a major turn on for me. My (STEAMBOAT WILLY) became fully erect as her hand worked the shaft. She gripped it tight and worked it up and down, up and down.

Torrie leaned down and slowly began to lick the tip of my (BEAUTY), working her soft, wet tongue all over my sensitive (BEAST). I groaned softly at the sensation. She then pressed her smooth, soft lips against the tip of my (EPCOT CENTER), kissing it gently, her hand still slowly working my length. Torrie’s warm mouth then engulfed my whole (HALL OF PRESIDENTS), swirling her tongue around it while it was in her mouth. She worked her lips back and forth, just over my (MAGIC KINGDOM) as her hand continued to work my meaty (POCAHONTAS). She then slipped her mouth about half way down the shaft, following her hand. She moved her mouth and hand up and down simultaneously, giving my (TINKERBELL) a great treat. She got more and more of my large (CRUELLA DEVILLE) in her mouth each time, eventually getting all of it down her throat….

She began to massage my heavy (PLUTO) with her free hand, rolling them around and rubbing them. She released my (FANTASIA) from her mouth and worked her hand over it quickly. Her smooth palm felt great against my throbbing (LILO). I looked down at her gorgeous face staring back up at me, and I ran my hands through her silky smooth blonde hair. Her hand worked up and down, eventually stopping and just working over the (& STITCH), as she moved her lips down to my (POISONED APPLE). She sucked one (GLASS SLIPPER) into her mouth at a time, working it with her tongue, then took (PRINCE CHARMING) into her mouth, gently sucking and tickling them. She gently let them drop from her mouth. Her hand continued to massage my heavy (IT’S A SMALL WORLD), as her mouth licked all the way back to my (AFTER ALL). She licked, sucked and
kissed all over the shaft, as her soft, sexy hand kept working the head. Torrie began looking up at me and then she pulled away from my (DONALD DUCK), slowly.

She slid up towards the top of the bed, motioning for me to join her. Without hesitation, I crawled onto the bed and lay gently on top of Torrie’s amazing body. She put her arms around my neck, and I placed one hand on her smooth hip, the other on one of her awesome (WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISNEY). We stared into each others eyes briefly, then began to kiss wildly. Our tongues wrestled fiercly as my hands roamed all over her amazing (SINBAD).

So there you have it.

…..

The FUCK is wrong with you people?

DOING LINES CAUGHT ON FILM

I found a few websites, and a lot of you have been GREAT with the submissions. I’m doing okay with movies/TV shit… so if you don’t mind, focus on wrestling. I need wrestling promoes and little quips. Thanks.

This week, the emphasis is on CLASSIC movies…. no, not old fart flicks… I mean movies I’ve watched ten billion times over… AND NO, NOT STAR WARS EITHER, GEEKS!!!

I should say MOST of these movies are classic… others, not so much.

We start off with a quick riff from the funniest black man EVER…. until Chris Rock came along, that is…. no, not Bill Cosby, although he may very well be.

Oh, and we end with a different sort of quote, but it goofs on Canadians…. so I like it!

01): I like makin’ love myself, and I can make love for about three minutes. I do about three minutes of serious f*ckin’, then I need eight hours sleep! And a bowl of Wheaties!– Richard Pryor: Live in Concert

02)Where’d this [scar] come from?

When I was twelve, my old man went after my mother with a bottle. I got in the way.

You saved her.

Not for long.

I’m sorry, Bud, it’s none of my…

He tied me to the radiator. I watched him beat my mother to death with a tire iron. He left us there. It was four days before a patrol officer found us. They never found the old man.

Was that why you became a cop? To get even?

I don’t know.L.A. Confidential

03): Where am I gonna find a piece of metal, here, in space, at this hour?Airplane 2: The Sequel

04): I’ll bet she’s not a real blond.

How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army, sir.M*A*S*H

05): I’m gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.

What’s wrong with lumber? I own two lumberyards.

I notice you don’t spend too much time there.

I’m not sure where they are.Caddyshack

06): If you’re from Africa, why are you white?

Oh my God, Karen, you can’t just ask people why they’re white!Mean Girls

07): Don’t have sex! Because you will get pregnant… and DIE!Mean Girls

08): Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?

I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You’re in the backseat.Old School

09): Ten minutes at Elton John’s and you’re as gay as a maypole!Love, Actually

10): Well, well, well! Well if it isn’t fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!A Clockwork Orange

12): Why don’t you take these CDs and shove them up your ass?

Because it would hurt a lot, Warren.Empire Records

13): That’s the bravest thing I’ve ever seen a vegetable do.Return of the Killer Tomatoes

14): You were on the Indianapolis?

What happened?

Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, Chief. We was comin’ back from the island of Tinian t’Leyte, we’d just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in twelve minutes. Didn’t see the first shark for about a half hour. Tiger. Thirteen footer. You know how you know that in the water, Chief? You can tell by lookin’ from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn’t know, was that our bomb mission was so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn’t even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Chief, sharks come cruisin’, so we formed ourselves into tight groups. It was sorta like you see in the calendars, you know the squares in the old calendars like the Battle o’ Waterloo and the idea was the shark come to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin’ and hollerin’ and sometimes that shark he go away… but sometimes he wouldn’t go away. Sometimes that shark looks right at ya. Right into your eyes. And the thing about a shark is he’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn’t even seem to be livin’… ’til he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then… ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin’. The ocean turns red, and despite all your poundin’ and your hollerin’ those sharks come in and… they rip you to pieces. You know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men. I don’t know how many sharks, maybe a thousand. I do know how many men, they averaged six an hour. Thursday mornin’, Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player. Boson’s mate. I thought he was asleep, Reached over to wake him up. He bobbed up, down in the water, he was like a kinda top. Upended. Well, he’d been bitten in half below the waist. Noon the fifth day a Lockheed Ventura swung in low and he spotted us, a young pilot, lot younger than Mr. Hooper here, anyway he spotted us and a few hours later a big ol’ fat PBY come down and start to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened? Waitin’ for my turn. I’ll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went into the water. Three hundred and sixteen men come out, the sharks took the rest, June the twenty-ninth, nineteen-forty five. Anyway, we delivered the bomb.Jaws

15): Canadians are… I don’t think they like Americans.

Oh really?

Well, they don’t like when we call ourselves “Americans”, they prefer “North Americans”.

North Americans?

Yeah. I don’t know, they don’t like us, but they show it in a strange way. Like, the other night I was coming home from a late night movie with my son, and my car had New York license plates. Well, I was at a red light in downtown Toronto when another car next to me pulled beside me and a bunch of guys screamed, “GO BACK TO BOSTON!!”

(audience laughs)

BOSTON? How… what…?

I had New York plates! I don’t know. Maybe Boston beat them in hockey or something?– Julianne Moore, discussing filming a movie in Toronto, on Late Show with David Letterman

BOSTON?? Oh you nutty mooseblowers, Boston’s like… 4 hours AWAY from NY!

Ohh, to be fair, most Americans west of the Mississippi… and south of the Mason Dixon line don’t know the difference either. Americans know two things: eating and having sex… and making movies/TV… and porn…. but that’s all we know. We ain’t geographically inclined. Too wrapped up in our own preivate little shit to care. Alas.

Well, it’s been a full column… I think I made you laugh…. I think I made you think…. I think I made you BELIEVE… but I’m not sure we’re done. No, I’m quite sure we have one, little piece of business left….

CHEERIN’ UP THE FLEABAG

If funny AIM chats and phone transcripts bore you, click away now. Cuz this is the go home segment.

If you like Flea… read on.

On Saturday, I talked to Flea… he wasn’t in the best of moods while I happened to be feeling pretty f*cking damn good for a LOT of reasons….

See, Flea has been, and is currentlky dealing with the THIRD major hurricane to run right through his town in Florida within what…. 6 weeks? I, of course, being too damn busy to monitor the news, hadn’t kept a serious eye on the tract of Jeane… so when I called him, in the best mood I’ve been in YEARS, I was making light of his situation. He finally told me to f*ck off and hung up.

So, because he (and everyone else in the Sunshine state… including another person I know who lives there and I hope all is well with HER)… dealing with this bullshit, I thought I’d do my part and give him, and you, a quartet of great Flea moments here in the Midnight News.

We start off with my personal favorite:

1)AND YOUR COCAINE TONGUE, YOU GET NOOOTHING DONE… (Midnight News: 12.09.02)

Hey FLEA… and the rest of you Guns & F’K’N Roses fans… all jacked to see their concert huh?

OOps… the tour’s been CANCELLED!!! Seems that the tour’s sponsor, Clearwater, is sick of the shit Ax’l’s pulled and cut the whole thing short. Somebody better tell Mr. Rose that it ain’t 1993 anymore.

Maybe NEXT decade! Heh..

For EXCLUSIVE reaction from a G’N’R fan who had tickets and couldn’t WAIT for the show to come to his town… we go to Flea:

Hyatte: (11:09:57 PM): oh, hey Flea
Flea: (11:10:08 PM): yo
Hyatte: (11:10:13 PM): Guns & Roses tour has been canceled
Flea:(11:15:03 PM): so i heard

Flea: (11:15:22 PM): where do we go now?
Hyatte: (11:15:40 PM): we? what do you mean we, white man?
Flea: (11:16:01 PM): f*cking AXl f*ck him

Flea: (11:18:01 PM): does that mean no concert next week?
Hyatte: (11:18:29 PM): nope
Flea: (11:18:39 PM): bullshit
Flea: (11:20:30 PM): that f*cking cocksucker

Hyatte: (11:21:35 PM): poor guy what will you do, Flea?
Flea: (11:22:09 PM): where did you read this at?
Hyatte: (11:22:21 PM): www.metal-sludge.com

Flea: (11:24:52 PM): okay…i have the concert people on the phone and they say it’s happening…but i trust you more
Hyatte: (11:25:38 PM): TRUST THE WEBSITE
Flea: (11:30:25 PM): you know…this is typical web bullshit…and i think i’m going to have the website people beat with bats on Tuesday….i know them and f*ck them f*ck these c*cksuckers

Hyatte: (11:38:00 PM): is there some way we can blame the JEWS for this?
Flea: (11:38:51 PM): no…you all suck
Hyatte: (11:39:21 PM): ME? What did I do?
Flea: (11:40:53 PM): METAL F*CKING SLUDGE this site is bull shit

2)THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA (Midnight News: 11.11.02)

The following excerpt is from a real life phone call between myself and Flea. Every word is true.

Flea: Christmas is coming, soon.
Hyatte: Yep

Flea: I think I’m going to rat out this bullshit about Santa to my daughter this year.
Hyatte: Emily? Isn’t she like, nine?

Flea: She’s seven.
Hyatte: Seven? Why ruin the magic of Santa to a seven year old?

Flea: Didn’t I tell you what she did to me on Halloween?
Hyatte: Probably. I forget.

Flea: Little brat decided that she wanted to hang out at the mall with her friends on Halloween rather than hang out with me.
Hyatte: So? She wants to be with her friends, big deal.

Flea: So? I’m gonna break her heart and tell her exactly where her presents come from!
Hyatte: What? BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE WITH HER FRIENDS??

Flea:She’s gonna pay for doublecrossing her old man.

After that, I cracked up for a good five minutes.

I swear, this really happened.

3)IT’S A FLEA WORLD AFTER ALL… (Midnight News 09.29.03)

The following conversation took place on Sept 18, 2003 at approximately 8:23 p.m.:

Flea: The Forbes 400 list came out this week, Hi-Weight!
Hyatte: Oh yeah? You on it?
Flea:Nah. Let me see here.

Hyatte: I imagine Bill Gates is number 1
Flea: Yup. Warren Buffet is 2

Hyatte: Makes sense. Then maybe the guy who created Apple?
Flea: No. Paul Allen. Then it’s all people from the Walton family.

Hyatte: Hmm. Yeah, that makes sense. They run a big food conglomerate.
Flea: (audible sigh)

Hyatte: Don’t they own a bunch of different food compan…
Flea: WAL*MART, ASSHOLE!!

Hyatte: oh…

and the big one… the most talked about Flea segment in Midnight News history…

4)IT’S FLEA’S WORLD AND YOU’RE JUST RENTING SPACE (Midnight News 12.02.02)

The following excerpts from a recent phone call is 100% true… I made nothing up:

Hyatte: Why wouldn’t they let you play piano in the lobby?
Flea: Those c*cksuckers, I was about to play the greatest song of all time too
Hyatte: Billy Joel’s “Piano Man”?
Flea: No! F*CK THAT NOISE!!!
Hyatte: Umm, something from Elton John?
Flea: No, no, no. those motherf*ckers.
Hyatte: Well then who..
Flea: WHERE’S MY POT? I LOST MY BAG OF POT
Hyatte: What? The f*ck are you yelling at me for?
Flea: Oh here it is. Good times.

Later:

Hyatte: I thought you had a “redneck Jew lawyer” to chase them away
Flea: They’re back, those motherf*cking c*cksuckers. I’ll throw some money at them and they’ll go away.
Hyatte: Yeah, I guess that’ll do it.
Flea: …
Hyatte: Hello?

Now, picture yourself completely under water. You’re running out of breath fast. You’re drowning. Suddenly, from the surface, someone sticks a coffee stirring straw… a little, teeny, tiny stirrer. Now, imagine the deep, pathetic sound you would make sucking air out of that pitiful stirrer for dear life… that’s what I heard

Hyatte: Whoa

Repeat sound… followed by a desperate gasp

Hyatte: Jesus Christ kid
Flea: *ahhhh F*ck yeah

Later still:

Hyatte: So that’s how I single handidly invented the question mark.
Flea: …
Hyatte: Yo?
Flea: …
Hyatte: Hey asshole!
Flea: This hotel room has flowered patterns on the wall.
Hyatte: Yeah?
Flea: One of them looks like the fingers of a dead baby.
Hyatte: okayyy
Flea: I gotta go. See you la…*click

This is a man who just retired… at age 30.

My God in Heaven.

He is, maybe the most fascinating man I’ve ever known….

He’s okay too…. his family survived…. this isn’t exactly a eulogy.

So…. there ya go. On Thursday, I got a whole lot of stuff lined up. It’ll be gangbusters… trust me! Message Boredom will be there. My own personal stat sheet will be there. Umm, FEINSTEIN will be there. Something dealing with Kurt Angle will be there. Lots. Tons. PORN will be there. Yup.

Ohhh, I don’t feel like calling you some name… I’m in a good mood! Happy, happy!! Why? I don’t know… who cares, just accept it, ya jerkweeds

Jesus, bunch of whiny bitches

This is Hyatte

Join our newsletter

never miss the latest news, reviews, live event coverage, audio podcasts, exclusive interviews and commentary for Movies, TV, Music, Sports, Comics, Video Games!